ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

[gobblefiend]

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

I think YABU to expect money from them for your wedding.
But - she sounds a nightmare. Are you sure you want to marry into this, especially with a DH that is "conditioned" to accept her behaviour and won't stand up to her. Add DC into the mix and this will be a nightmare...

Why would it be petty? She has treated OP poorly and is not entitled to an invite

Yes he would have known. He doesn't care. He's incredibly selfish. My partner helped him pay off debts, we paid for their wedding cake etc but they do nothing in return for us

Remember in their dotage to remind them they have The Golden One to take care of them...
My ils paid for nothing for their ds and me. Their dd on the other hand... Same when the dgc came along. We divorced so don't see them now. During covid apparently they didn't hear from either of their dc - no checking in on them or errands etc.
Back away op or ime it will eat away at you
.

Fair point

Well would you treat your children so differently? If it makes me childish to be hurt by this then so be it

So they have two sons? And one they pay for and one they don’t?! Wow! The person comparing it with a son and a daughter is missing the point!

I mean parents paying for their daughters’ weddings is batshit old fashioned nonsense but if you’re going to do it for a son you do it for both!

And the money?!! What an utter obscene waste of £35k!

From your update I have changed my attitude, would stuff the lot of them, dont help his brother any more and let them get on with their silly games. Pay for your own wedding and invite who you want.

You know what you are marrying into so set the boundaries now and make sure DH is in agreement.

Mil gets an invite like any other guest. Keep her out of the way and excluded from the photos as much as possible (assume she does not want to be in them) and just smile & wave.

From that point keep all communication to a minimum.

@gobblefiend no you’re most definitely not being childish!

They recently paid for them to go to Mauritius with them too. We didn't get invited

I did wonder about that. Having paid for the wedding, SIL will feel under obligation. Possibly BIL too, although that depends on how used he is to Mummy funding his life, he might be an entitled little shit. (Aside - what's your view on BIL as a person, OP? Does he see the disparity between how he is treated and how his brother is treated?)

To be honest, I see your partner's acceptance of this treatment as more of a problem than her treatment. He should be pissed off at being the constant second-best. Which puts the onus on you to protect him from her, rather than both of you being a united front. Something to watch out for in the future.

Again why are you marrying this man?

However good he is in bed I guarantee its not good enough to put up with this woman for the rest of life.

Evil lives! She will live to spite you.

I wouldn’t book or announce a wedding if I expected someone else to put towards it or pay for it.

My ILs are exactly the same with the way they treat their kids. We’re so used to it now that no, I wouldn’t be hurt by it, but it has made me change the way I feel about ensuring they’re invited or included in anything to do with our kids, since they show no interest (and yet their other GC are their absolute reason for being, as is their other child).
Some people are just like that, and it sucks, but it’s on them and not you or your DH.

I'd also do my best to distance my life fro that of his parents. If they need any looking after, I'd be pointing them in the direction of BIL&SIL. Who knows, putting them under obligation to her might be part of her retirement plan. Just sayin'!

Sounds like she doesn't like you. Try not to let it get to you.

I would invite them. Otherwise you're pretty much handing her a stick to beat you with later.

She does sound like a vile old goat though. I'd keep a big distance.

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but was it their daughters wedding they paid for, ie, in the traditional parents-pay-for -daughters wedding. Or sons wedding?

At least you know. You don’t have to try to please any of DHs side.

I would imagine he’s very hurt. Send them an invite (unless dh really doesn’t want to) and mentally move them to distance relatives you’ll see at weddings and funerals, but won’t bother giving any headspace too.

It's in the OP.

"Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this?"

We didn't expect anything as I've mentioned but her lack of tact and disparity between what she is willing to do for one but not the other is my point

Traditionally the bride’s family would pay for the wedding, so your IL’s just did as tradition dictates.

So traditionally it should have been your family who paid for your wedding.

God, OP, count your blessings!

In my wedding, MIL offered to pay a significant amount. Like 5K I think. We accepted because hey why not? She invited people neither my husband nor I had even met. We didn't even recognise their names. (Why did they come?). On the day itself she told me the ceremony had to start with a song of praise to Jesus and I had to say no. Most of my family aren't Christian. I really regret taking any money.

I bet your SIL hated her wedding .

Sons wedding