ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

[gobblefiend]

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

Just pay for yourselves - most people don’t get endless handouts.

Also, it’s just a wedding and it doesn’t need to cost much. Save sticking your hand out till you need help with something important like school fees or an op, you’ll have more credit that way.

Also I am not sure it’s favouritism so much as the wedding costs probably galloped away from them and ended up more than double what they expected.

Your MIL’s comment has the air of shell shock

My in-laws were the same, fawning over DH's siblings and paying for wedding gifts etc. Never contributed to our wedding, no housewarming gift, not even a gift or card when our daughter was born. Admittedly it was hurtful, but I brushed it off saying at least we didn't have to thank them for anything.

Everyone ought to pay for their own! If you can’t afford it you can’t have it

This isn't about money, it's a power play, showing you & their son their disapproval. his place & value in the family.
He takes it because he was subjected to their toxicity since childhood, being the the less loved 2nd child, & he hasn't got the character & courage to change it.
Please read & re read billy's posts.
The only potential solution with your Husband 1000% completely on board is to go Low to No contact, avoid them, move a good distance from them, don't go at Xmas etc, don't expect any love, help, support or care, & if there is any it will be a double sided sword that will return & cut the legs from under you.

& for all that is holy, keep you future children far far away from them

I'd elope with a few choice people..then I'd tell them it was a small do because you wanted to keep costs down hence why they weren't invited but then I'm petty

Like other posters have said, I would be rethinking the marriage. What you know describe as 'laid-back' in your DP may not look that way in x years time after years of this shit and him not really doing anything to address it. Add children into the mix and either she treats them as lesser or tries to take a controlling roll, cutting you out of the picture as much as she can, with your DP still not really having the balls to rock the boat too much. Imagine however many years more of that. It also sounds like you have got tied up with her in business, which is absolutely mad to be honest.

Can you have a wedding, with reduced numbers, just your best friends & loving family ?
Mine was fabulous, (& without being biased !!) the best wedding I have every been to. We did the paperwork at the town hall, then everyone walked to a lovely restaurant, we had privatized, had champagne & fab food, which we could afford as reduced numbers. etc, then most of us back home to party & dance into the night.
Informal, full of laughter, with only the people we really wanted there

Have a destination wedding.
don’t invite them. If they ask why no invitation just explain it’s a destination wedding for friends and family who have contributed and made it possible.
She is poison. Don’t hang around to watch BIL inherit it all run now and keep them at arms length.

😂

I would just elope and not tell them until after you're married

I get where she's probably coming from. Aside from people should be able to pay for their own weddings or cut their cloth accordingly, your SIL's family didn't have the means to pay for her wedding, but your family do.

I can see why it’s pissing you off a bit but honestly just rise above it; she sounds like a right sour faced cow.
Personally I with your future husband would write a beautiful speech for your wedding breakfast thanking your wonderful parents for all the love & support they have given you both during the planning; preparation & execution of this wonderful day without they’re love & help you’d all be eating corned beef sarnies.
id make it crystal clear that his parents have done fuck all to help in anyway & if your lucky the miserable bitch will get the message & will piss off home with her pointed hat wedged firmly up her arse.
Good luck love your going to need it with a mother in law like that x

I’d focus more on your marriage and life going forward than the wedding.

Yes you should be seriously considering marrying this man. I wouldn’t do it unless you live some distance away from the ILs and they have minimal involvement in your lives. Which doesn’t sound like the case.

Do you want DC? Any feelings about unfairness now will be intensified multiple times over when you see your DC being treated unfairly. And yourself being disrespected in front of your DC. If your OH wants your marriage to be successful he can’t afford to be laid back and accept rudeness towards you.

Do some advance searches on MIL threads on here. Think very carefully about how you want your life to look.

Totally agree.. My MIL was the same.. BIL got a large contribution to their wedding as the bride was single and I was a divorcie.. Bride's Mum and Dad paid for the wedding and MIL's money was deposit for house.. We got £250 towards our honeymoon and we paid for our own wedding.... But I'm still with my DH after 33 years and BIL AND SIL divorced 10 years ago.. She backed the wrong horse

MIL sounds like a a-hole to me. I would stay well clear and be petty enough to prioritise your own family and their needs on the wedding day.

I think you need a long talk with your partner to agree what you will and wont tolerate in terms of her behaviour. He may have brushed off her behaviour, as likely he has for a long time, but you need to think how this toxicity will continue to affect you 2 and possibly children as you move forward.

As for the wedding, having the money yourselves without family strings is an absolute gift. Have the day you want without guilt which many of us couldnt do.
Repeat and smile to MIL, you are a guest, not a host and sit her at the kids table

I'd invite them to the evening reception...even if you're not planning one, that at a push would be my offering.

Count your blessings even though it may not seem like that at the moment. We had what you’re experiencing now.

Trust me .. when I say all this will work in your favour in the long run. She can’t dictate anything at all for the wedding or otherwise in your life, vacations , family get togethers, even their retirement plan you don’t need to step into anything.

have a dreamy, cosy wedding with close and dearest people. Ignore those who don’t like you. Best wishes!🍾

You all sound toxic!

She doesn't like you. You clearly don't like her. Why would something she says (and which, by your account. is a totally expected comment) upset you so much? Surely you're being naive...?

You keep saying it's not about the money as you were going to pay for the wedding yourselves but all you e talked about is the money. And how well off you are. The title of your AIBU is very telling.

As is:

firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. So what's the problem?

We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? She has form - why are you surprised and hurt?

I feel she is jealous of my family's money... and the issue is???

it stems from this what does? Her dislike of you or her not contributing or both?

Our feelings weren't considered and never are why are you surprised? You know what she's like.

it's all about pleasing her son/DIL we cannot control how others feel towards us or who they prefer or who they want to please. Also, this sounds like something a teen would say!

The (perceived) favouritism is not your concern. If it's real, it predates you and is between your DP and his DM. No one else. If he doesn't have issue with it, that's his choice. Just know that this favouritism will filter down to any children you may have.

The whole thing seems weird - but the most bizarre part is your take on it and reaction to it.

Not getting on with ILs is a major issue that couples in love gloss over. It rarely improves - it gets worse. I have wonderful DC that have made it all worthwhile but I can assure you from experience - if I hadn't had DC and I could speak to my younger self I'd tell her - "yes, it's true love, yes he's probably your soul mate and yes, you'll have some wonderful times BUT it's not enough and you deserve better. End it now. Deal with the heartache then meet that love who, ideally, doesn't have a fucked up family and, if he does, is mature and strong enough to be in your (plural) corner.'

If ending it is not an option, the 'healthiest' solution is NC or very low. Pay for the wedding yourselves as originally planned. Have a wonderful day. On the day, treat your ILs as if they are the most perfect ILs one could wish for - honestly, it will be worth it and will make everything go as perfectly as possible. After that - minimal/no contact. What your husband to be does will be up to him.

These situations never improve - especially when both sides have deep rooted issues.

This means you are under no obligation to consider her opinions in any way from now on. She gets no say in the wedding, or anything else you and your husband do.

How does your fiancé feel about the way his mother treats you? It sounds like he sees what she is like and so, you probably ought to consider living as far away from her as you can, and not making many visits to see her. Sad, but that’s her choice.

@Tree543 ·

My PILs paid for their daughters entire wedding. We got married 5 years later and they didn't offer a penny. I'm still annoyed

Are you their DIL or SIL? It's a generational/cultural thing for bride's parents to pay. My DPs offered and paid a (sizeable) contribution towards our wedding (back in the dark ages) but PIL did not. PIL paid for SIL's entire wedding

@gobblefiend

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Yes. It sounds like they are being deliberately hurtful. We have two sons and try to treat them equally and fairly.

Sounds like you need to stop leaching off your parents!

I’ll second this.

Not the same as I wasn’t married to him but my ex’s mum hated paying for anything to do with me because of my mums money, even expecting me to pay for mine and exes share of meals outs while she paid for his brothers and his girlfriends.

My family have always been well off, my mum was 35 when she had me and my dad 33 so both already had an established career, marriage, and home on top of them both already coming from a well off family. Whereas Exs mum had him at 17 with a man who left her 2 years later when she had his brother, shes never worked and lived in a council house up until she met her partner but even then they were far from well off. Exes brother’s girlfriend was the same, young parents council house etc. While I never looked down on either of them they certainly resented me because my parents, not me, were well off.

Sad thing is his brothers girlfriend was fully supported financially by her parent whereas I got no financial support from mine and hadn’t done since I was 16. She ended up making her sons life harder because of something fully out of our control when actually I was in a worse financial position than all of them. she was actually the reason we broke up if that surprises you 😅

Enjoy your wedding op, the plus side is you can have your wedding exactly the way you want with only the guests you want as MIL won’t get a say in any of it.

Sorry, forgot the comment I was replying to 😂 I agreed with it because she’d often say to ex that my mum can pay for this or that if he ever asked. She didn’t like that she couldn’t control us the same way with treats and days out like she could his brother and his girlfriend as I had my parents who could afford to do it bigger and better. She actually admitted 2 years into our relationship that she realised girlfriend was actually a bit of a spoilt brat and I was much more humble and shortly after switched to wanting to do things with us instead of them which made it obvious she just wanted to control people and have them rely on her so she could always have her way.