ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

[gobblefiend]

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

FIL is her yes man. Laughs off her behaviour. Does her bidding on her behalf. I've wondered if she may be narcissistic and he's her enabler

My MIL is like this with DH and BIL. It upsets me on DHs behalf that BIL is so clearly the golden child. It has affected my DH in many ways. But I'd never expect a penny off her (good job as we're not getting any), so if it's about the money YABU, if it's about your DH and favouritism then YANBU. My MIL is very difficult, and she likes people to hold court to her. It didn't stop me marrying DH, but i did make it clear before we got married that i was marrying him and not his family, and I would not be doing any dutiful DIL stuff. I said that he would be required to arrange visits, keep in contact and sort out birthdays and Xmas, and that I would of course host her / visit her as required but he was expected to be there too. I said my relationship with her would always be as my husband's mother, and I didn't want an independent relationship with her in my own right (no spa days, phone calls etc.). She has over the years tried to get me to do various things (but never stuff I'd actually want to or which didn't have a selfish motive) and I've always politely declined. I suspect she hates me these days, but as all contact is through him it makes little difference to me.

What other sort of shit has she done?

Can I ask what the situation is wrt children in BIL's marriage?
Because can you imagine something like struggling with infertility and her shoving photos of SIL's babies in your face?
Yes. They can get that fucking nasty.

Helpfully, my PILs announced upfront that whenever our wedding was, they wouldn't be free to attend it.

Yes, there was a golden child in both our families. No, golden child was not my DH (or me for that matter).

Marrying a scapegoat can comes with a lot of grief and difficulty. As PPs say, it's almost impossible for some of them to create, recognise, or support a normal family dynamic to the point where they seem incapable of learning how to value someone who treats them well without constantly testing them with acts of sabotage.

Think very carefully about your future.

I hope your BIL and SIL will be helping them out in old age as you and DP won't!

Maybe she’s overstretched or may have some other reason. It’s really not good to fall out over money. It’s not a good look. What does DP think. Is he bothered? You either have to accept ILs warts and all or have a be angry all the time. Let it go.

I feel sorry for your fiancé, it’s not so much about who can afford to contribute towards his wedding more about the fact that they won’t, and have made that clear. He must feel somewhat resentful and rejected. I am sure you’re making him feel loved and needed, even if his parents can’t do!

This is nothing to do with money. You'd have to have been party to this sort of dynamic to ever understand it. It's along the lines of these stupid tiktoks that you see women doing singing along to 'I loved him first' or something. It's weird Freudian fucking Shakespearean madness lol.

The money to me represents favouritism. It is absolutely this. We were funding the wedding ourselves then she made it clear she didn't want to contribute.

I understand some peoples views that I probably sound spoilt to expect an equal financial contribution. I understand why she paid for BIL wedding. But I can't get past how terrible it's made me feel.

Has your partner asked her why she said that she wont pay when you had no intention of asking her

Yep so familiar. ILs barely even managed a smile at our engagement. They wanted DPs brother and partner to be engaged and were too busy worrying about her feelings because she also wants to be engaged but 10 years and a couple of kids and BIL hasn’t asked her. Can guarantee if it was them PIL would be offering money but we will get 0. DP says he’s used to it they’ve always pandered to his DB.

Traditionally the bride's parents pay. Your FIL and MIL covered BIL's because the bride's parents couldn't pay. Your parents can afford to pay. It's rather declassé and embarrassing of them to expect someone else to pay for their DD's wedding. If they don't want to pay then, as an adult, you pay for your own wedding. But you don't expect PIL to pay simply because your parents don't want to.

Yes I can definitely see it’s hurtful. It’s more for your husband to raise with her then you - why spend so much on one sons wedding but not the other one? She sounds awful to make her favouritism so obvious and be so blunt. I would massively distance myself from her after this.

She's demanded a lot of money from my dad to help us start a business; she turned everyone against me on holiday once because I didn't pay a toll booth; called me a snob to my face, so many other examples.

Too many grabby posters on MN confuse money with love.

Hardly grabby

When spending significant amounts on one child and nothing on the other is can definitely align with a difference in love

@gobblefiend

What did your partner say when she called your a snob to your face?

No he didn't. We would never have asked. She's just vile

She did it when he wasn't around. Classic behaviour. I was young and naive and didn't challenge it. No way in hell I'd put up with it now. I don't know what to think of everything now.

Yes, you’re unreasonable. And childish.

Of course she isn’t @BigChesterDraws
It’s the principle of both sons being treated differently, not the money. Can’t you see that?

@gobblefiend I would be very wary of marrying into this family if your fiance isn't going to stick up for you.

PMSL. It's almost word for word the shit that I went through. I can just warn you that you'll never be good enough for her because in actual fact, she knows that you're better than her and that's the problem.
I can tell you that my 7 year relationship with an eldest son died whereas my brother is married about 20 years and lives on another continent, is happily married with 3 children and our lovely mother has never been invited over ;) while my SIL's mother goes over several times a year.

It took him moving continents though.

Are you Gavin and Staceys long lost in-law?

I'd invite her, shove her in a corner and move her son as far away as possible. Then never visit her or invite her to your house.

Can I ask all of you who are saying that the OP is being grabby? You wouldn't be parents of precious first-born sons by any chance?

Why can't people just pay for their own weddings? You have the wedding you afford. Over my dead body would I be asking my widowed mother for money and if she offered it would have been a swift no thank you.