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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

258 replies

gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 16:08

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 17/09/2022 17:10

If you don’t invite her that will just cause grief for you DH, unless he dosnt care.

Personally I’d treat her just as any other guest but make a point of her being on the outside. Absolutely no wedding talk around her or let her have any input, Her invites delayed, when she gets it it says Mr & Mrs Goblefiends parents would like to invite you to the wedding of our daughter and future son-in-law, making a point of leaving her name off. She gets seated randomly away from the bridal party and not included in any wedding photos with you or the full bridal party. Not included in speeches while you gush over your family, talk about what an amazing husband you have and how he’s always achieved things himself without anyones help…And I certainly wouldn’t be presenting her with any mother of the bride and groom gifts, or if you do a small posy of flowers compared to the humongous bouquet and anything else your DM gets.

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:11

FloofyUni · 17/09/2022 17:06

@gobblefiend

It's not the nightmare in-laws that are the issue

It's the unsupportive partners

I've lost count of the posts on here over the years of women who married into families where their in laws didn't like them, their DH wasn't supportive but thought once they had kids it would change (clue - it doesn't) then after 10-15 years get to the end of their tethers.

Your DH should be in your corner, he shouldn't tolerate parents being rude or dismissive to his partner. They never change, this will then continue to issues around your children (if you want to have them that is) and that's usually when wives start to get really pissed off. As it's one thing prioritising parents over your partner, it's a whole other thing when the kids get involved one way or another.

My partner is supportive of me but he's incredibly laid back about things. He has stood up for me but just doesn't get as emotional about things as I do.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 17/09/2022 17:11

I don't think I could be bothered to care about this, to be honest. £35,000 is an obscene amount to spend on a wedding and it would make me ill to contemplate splashing out that much - even of someone else's money.

They paid because the bride's parents couldn't afford to and they wanted to. They believe your family CAN afford to pay so don't see why they should contribute when it's not needed. That seems reasonable enough.

I personally think adults should pay for their own weddings and then they can have what they are prepared to fork out for. If you are grown up enough to be married, then you should be grown up enough to budget for what you are spending on YOUR special day. Not expect Mummy and Daddy to pay for it.

diddl · 17/09/2022 17:13

My partner is supportive of me but he's incredibly laid back about things. He has stood up for me but just doesn't get as emotional about things as I do.

What about if you have kids?

Will he offer them up to be treated like shit to keep his mum happy/in his life?

Butchyrestingface · 17/09/2022 17:13

My family have done more than their fair share of helping us. My dad would probably say the same about them-it's their turn.

Maybe that's it then. She thinks you've made enough withdrawals from the Bank of Mum and Dad and need to stand on your own two feet.

I would be hurt at the disparity but not surprised, since it seems clear from what you've said that the woman doesn't like you. You don't seem to like her either so why would you want her money?

Lunificent · 17/09/2022 17:13

This is, as you know, because she doesn’t like you. Forget about it; you can’t make people do what they don’t want to do.
You could not invite her, or you could heap burning coals on her head by being ultra nice and pretending you haven’t noticed.

Butchyrestingface · 17/09/2022 17:14

I don't think I could be bothered to care about this, to be honest. £35,000 is an obscene amount to spend on a wedding and it would make me ill to contemplate splashing out that much - even of someone else's money.

I'd accept it if they gave it to me as a deposit for a house.

Fuck dropping £35,000 on a wedding though. Gretna Green here I come...

Angrymum22 · 17/09/2022 17:15

It may be that she is inviting you to “beg” for financial help, which gives her control in the future.
My MIL provided childcare for my SILs ( who are both her DIL). She told me, before DS was born that she wouldn’t be able to help out. She offered occasional help in emergencies but DS went to nursery at 5 mnths and that was that. She loved to criticise my childcare choice, I always reminded her that I had no choice.
Independence from a controlling MIL is difficult if you accept too much help early on. They are usually sweetness and light until they have their claws in you.

BelleMarionette · 17/09/2022 17:17

Yabu to expect your wedding to be paid for, but Yanbu about the favouritism.

If she's not paying for the wedding then she shouldn't expect to invite any friends, or have any say as to the organisation of the wedding.

Fwiw I think £35k is a rediculous amount to spend on one day. Weddings can be far cheaper, and still be a great day for guests. Mine was a fraction of that, but still lots of excellent food and wine.

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:17

Lunificent · 17/09/2022 17:13

This is, as you know, because she doesn’t like you. Forget about it; you can’t make people do what they don’t want to do.
You could not invite her, or you could heap burning coals on her head by being ultra nice and pretending you haven’t noticed.

I think it must be. I find her so difficult. She throws her toys out of the pram so often her family laugh it off. I'm not willing to put up with it anymore though. To feel second best

OP posts:
cptartapp · 17/09/2022 17:18

Well off PIL paid for all SIL wedding and contributed nothing towards ours. They left that for us and my widowed mother.
Still, they gave her £10k for a house deposit and nothing for DH so shouldn't have been surprised.
Expect any favouritism to be extended to any GC too.

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:19

BelleMarionette · 17/09/2022 17:17

Yabu to expect your wedding to be paid for, but Yanbu about the favouritism.

If she's not paying for the wedding then she shouldn't expect to invite any friends, or have any say as to the organisation of the wedding.

Fwiw I think £35k is a rediculous amount to spend on one day. Weddings can be far cheaper, and still be a great day for guests. Mine was a fraction of that, but still lots of excellent food and wine.

Initially she was expecting to invite her friends who we'd never heard of. We said no

OP posts:
wholesomen · 17/09/2022 17:19

gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:17

I think it must be. I find her so difficult. She throws her toys out of the pram so often her family laugh it off. I'm not willing to put up with it anymore though. To feel second best

Show quote history

Well, I suggest you get used to it.

I bet your future husband is her oldest son?

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:21

@wholesomen

Spot on, he's the eldest

OP posts:
applesandpears33 · 17/09/2022 17:22

"Expect any favouritism to be extended to any GC too"

I agree that this is very likely. And it may be when you see that your children are treated as second best that you find you get really annoyed about this.

But every cloud has a silver lining and you will not be expected to look after her in her old age.

wholesomen · 17/09/2022 17:22

Yeah well, welcome to your new life.

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/9911807/bitter-mother-of-groom-sends-wedding-guests-invite-two-bit-tramp/

TaureanGemini · 17/09/2022 17:24

@gobblefiend does your MIL get on with her other DIL?

NotMyDust · 17/09/2022 17:24

re the not marrying him option. I have a fierce (not in a good way) MIL and was too naive to see it when I married DH. DH was enmeshed at first but was at times naturally in the firing line and able to see her behaviour for what it was.

He has become very supportive over the years, as life and dc have happened, we do a lot of grey-rock with her as well as trying to be decent people and having the occasional gentle laugh at her favouritism, attitudes, lack of tact etc.

So I'd say trust your gut as to whether your future DH will be supportive and try and accept the situation as is.

Your family will take centre stage, not hers and going forward she will ultimately be the loser.

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:26

TaureanGemini · 17/09/2022 17:24

@gobblefiend does your MIL get on with her other DIL?

She thinks the sun shines out of her backside. I realise now that this and a lot of her previous behaviour towards me is because she simply doesn't like me. We are polar opposites in personality for a start

OP posts:
PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 17/09/2022 17:27

gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 16:31

Do you think we should go as far as not inviting them?

Show quote history

I wouldn't have anyone at my wedding who disliked me and didn't appear very fond of my partner either.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2022 17:29

My partner is supportive of me but he's incredibly laid back about things.

There's a big difference between laid back and dismissive. Your partner is dismissive of your feelings.

Original poster
gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:29

She may not like me but I can't understand how she can treat my partner this way. Her hatred of my surely doesn't surpass her love for him?

OP posts:
wholesomen · 17/09/2022 17:30

I'm a middle child and my elder brother (only son) moved continents to stop our own lovely mother coming between him and his wife. That's how fucking strange these sorts of mothers are. She was probably happy to marry the younger fella off, where as 'my litttle boy' aka your fiancé, she'll never let go of. She'll try to curry favour and play you off each other.

With the wisdom that I have, I would never walk into that dynamic again. In my case, I was with 'the eldest son'. I was seen as 'above myself'. I'm not sure how one can be above oneself, but apparently that's where I was.

Don't do this to yourself.

How do you get on with the FIL?

wholesomen · 17/09/2022 17:31

gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:29

She may not like me but I can't understand how she can treat my partner this way. Her hatred of my surely doesn't surpass her love for him?

Her love for him trumps yours 😝

Butchyrestingface · 17/09/2022 17:31

gobblefiend · 17/09/2022 17:29

She may not like me but I can't understand how she can treat my partner this way. Her hatred of my surely doesn't surpass her love for him?

She's not throwing you in a dark cupboard and starving you though. Ultimately, she's just telling you to pay for your own wedding, a fate shared by millions of couples throughout the world.

You can have your revenge when it comes to picking her nursing home.