ILs won't contribute to our wedding but spent fortune on BIL

[gobblefiend]

Would you be annoyed if ILs paid £35000 + for BIL/SIL wedding but did not want to contribute a penny to yours?

Both my family and ILs are well off. SIL family aren't rich so ILs paid for their entire wedding. Big big wedding, country house, entertainment then paid honeymoon business class flights upgrade for them both. Spent a fortune on them.

MIL made it very clear she did not want to pay for our wedding by saying 'I'm not paying for it' very bluntly after we announced our engagement. We were shocked she was so tactless but she has form for not wanting to help us. This furthered my already deeply held suspicion of favouritism towards BIL/SIL anyway (long story).

Now, firstly let me say that we didn't expect any contribution from ILs, genuinely. We were going to pay for it ourselves, but am I wrong to feel hurt that she said this? To not want to contribute anything for her other son? I feel she is jealous of my family's money (even though she is rich herself) and it stems from this (plus the favouritism) that she'd go as far as not wanting to contribute anything. Our feelings weren't considered and never are, it's all about pleasing her son/DIL.

My family don't splash the cash like her, in fact the opposite, they are very frugal. I couldn't imagine doing it to my kids, I would always treat them fairly but AIBU?

I would say her saying she won't contribute to wedding is a knock meant for your parents. If they are well off she's making it clear she expects them to pay for their daughters wedding. Are they very traditional?
Why aren't your parents contributing?
I'm guessing she's thinking why should I pay if they aren't.

I'd pay myself and elope I think!

She might be saying this as a way to control you.

She has to "buy" BIL's love/attention - just be glad he isn't your partner, and that MIL has no financial control over you. You are so much better off in the long run.

Most people pay for their own weddings these days, so if she brings it up again, just tell her you wouldn't dream of asking her, you are quite capable of paying for it yourselves.

I wouldn't invite any of MIL's friends and extended family to the wedding reception - if she complains, tell her that as you are paying for it, you get to choose your guests for your wedding.

If the wedding is some time away, I would make comments about having the reception at a pub and asking guests to pay for the wedding - maybe your MIL will be so shocked and offer some money to save herself embarasment.

I'm going to be honest here, she will never change and you'll end up going around in circles hoping she'll be kinder.
My MIL favours my SIL and her kids. It's so blatant and hurtful. They are there every night, even bath the kids and have them for whole weekends at points. When they visit us they are always late because they call in there.
These days and really the last few years, they never offer any help to us at all and my kids are starting to see their behaviour.
My husband is in therapy and he's so hard to live with 20 yrs later. Much is coming out about his childhood. Just go carefully with everything. When I tried to speak to her about things, she was awful tbh.
Wishing you well with it all...
Weddings aren't important, the marriage is. Just go carefully Xx

I agree with this. It is a flex and a point scoring exercise.

As you said, you and your DH can bear the cost.

If I were you, I would bury the hatchet and be the magnanimous one. Remember, marriage is a long road. Don't fight every battle.

Go overboard, make her feel welcome, give her her place (even though she may not deserve it) and be the righteous one.

You're right in being hurt, but move on and start the relationship on the right foot.

You only have one life. End this relationship now before it's too late. I have loads of friends who regret marrying a man with a MIL like this. It only gets worse, especially if you have children.

"Start the relationship on the right foot"? Have you not noticed that the OP and her fiance have been together for years and his mothers has ALWAYS been like this to her?

Don't reward bad behaviour. It only encourages more bad behaviour.

This; it's the only sane/adult/reasonable way.