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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt they’re planning holiday without me?

196 replies

MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 08:50

I (36) fell out with my sister (23) about 6 months ago, we haven’t spoken since. Prior to falling out, me, my sister, my other sister (30) and my mum had planned a trip to Paris to celebrate my youngest sisters 21st (belated due to covid).

After the falling out I decided not to go and pulled out. It was a big falling out, family agree she was the a-hole in the situation and without giving every little detail, it boiled down to me feeling like I’m always there when she needs help e.g uni work (we did the same course), boyfriend trouble, any time she was upset, etc, but then talking to me and treating me (and everyone else in my opinion) like crap. She honestly won’t even ask you how you are when meeting up and just flat out lied to my face. I’d had enough.

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??) so now none of them are going. But, and here’s now where I’m feeling hurt, my mum and two sisters and planning another trip for next year, just the 3 of them. I still get on with my mum and other sister. I’m not sure what I expect? I don’t want to go, well I would want to if we hadn’t fallen out, but I’m worth more than being spoken to how she speaks to me and will not pretend it’s ok, like the family seems to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TeeBee · 16/09/2022 08:54

Hang on...so they're booking a replacement trip for the one that you said you didn't want to go on. Now you're pissed that they're going without you? Or even going at all?
Despite you and your sister falling out, she is still your mums daughter and your sister's sister. Whatever people's shortcomings, your family still love her and want to celebrate her 21st.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/09/2022 08:56

Of course YABU. It’s a replacement 21st b’day trip, which you said you didn’t want to go on.

Make an effort to make up with your sister, as it sounds like the family dynamic will bother you if you don’t. You don’t have to be close.

girlmom21 · 16/09/2022 08:58

Yeah they're rebooking the holiday you pulled out of.

NovaDeltas · 16/09/2022 08:58

You've 'fallen out' with them (are you 12?) and pulled out of the trip. Of course they're not taking you. You're argumentative and love drama a d that's clear from only one post.

hellosunshineagainxxx · 16/09/2022 08:58

She is 20/21 and you are 36. She is going to be a bit self absorbed and selfish. Make up with your sister but give less of yourself to the relationship until she matures a bit.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 16/09/2022 09:01

You and your sister have fallen out but those two in the middle will need to maintain relationships with you separately.

You need to understand that this is just the start.

Birthdays, Christmas, holidays. Everything. They are going to have to do things without one of you present.

You are going to have to accept that this is just how it is now.

giveovernate · 16/09/2022 09:02

NovaDeltas · 16/09/2022 08:58

You've 'fallen out' with them (are you 12?) and pulled out of the trip. Of course they're not taking you. You're argumentative and love drama a d that's clear from only one post.

She's fallen out with her one of her sisters, not the whole family.

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 16/09/2022 09:02

Your sister sounds needy and selfish. But does that really warrant cutting her out of your life as you seem to have done? If you're jealous of this trip perhaps now is the time to reach out an olive branch.

It sounds as though your mum and sister are accepting your other sister for who she is, rather than "pretending it's ok". (Your language comes across a little childish)

FWIW, you pulled out of the trip and seem pleased it was subsequently cancelled. Your family are booking a replacement for that, of course you are not invited.

lickenchugget · 16/09/2022 09:02

Yabu, you cancelled.

NanaNelly · 16/09/2022 09:03

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Original poster
MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 09:03

@TeeBee No I’m not ‘pissed’, I feel hurt by the whole thing honestly, I would want to go had we not fallen out but I’m tired of her behaviour, helping her out whenever she needs it yet being disposable to her.

Just for insight, she once shared a bed with my 75 year old grandmother (she stayed overnight with my mum and youngest sister who live together), my grandmother spilt water all over her pillows and my youngest sister wouldn’t share either of the 2 she had. Making my grandmother sleep with her head on the mattress while she still had her two cosy pillows.

Its this sort of thing I’ve had enough of

OP posts:
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 16/09/2022 09:06

MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 09:03

@TeeBee No I’m not ‘pissed’, I feel hurt by the whole thing honestly, I would want to go had we not fallen out but I’m tired of her behaviour, helping her out whenever she needs it yet being disposable to her.

Just for insight, she once shared a bed with my 75 year old grandmother (she stayed overnight with my mum and youngest sister who live together), my grandmother spilt water all over her pillows and my youngest sister wouldn’t share either of the 2 she had. Making my grandmother sleep with her head on the mattress while she still had her two cosy pillows.

Its this sort of thing I’ve had enough of

OK. And?

None of your issues with her affect her relationship with the other sister and your mum.

BamBamBilla · 16/09/2022 09:07

The trip was for her birthday and you pulled out.

lickenchugget · 16/09/2022 09:07

MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 09:03

@TeeBee No I’m not ‘pissed’, I feel hurt by the whole thing honestly, I would want to go had we not fallen out but I’m tired of her behaviour, helping her out whenever she needs it yet being disposable to her.

Just for insight, she once shared a bed with my 75 year old grandmother (she stayed overnight with my mum and youngest sister who live together), my grandmother spilt water all over her pillows and my youngest sister wouldn’t share either of the 2 she had. Making my grandmother sleep with her head on the mattress while she still had her two cosy pillows.

Its this sort of thing I’ve had enough of

That’s up to you. You can’t dictate that your mum and other sister do the same. They are carrying on their relationship with her.

butterfliedtwo · 16/09/2022 09:08

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Agree.

YABU. They're going on a holiday you decided not to go on.

RealBecca · 16/09/2022 09:09

What did you think would happen?

And they agree you're right...to your face. They obviously agree with her other face as well.

broodybadger · 16/09/2022 09:11

You're not only unreasonable but you're being really childish

But having been in a position with a dick sibling sometimes they push you to a point where you act a bit crazy so just be kind to yourself op, you stepped back on that relationship for a reason - remember that

toomuchlaundry · 16/09/2022 09:12

Which sisters are going?

Mamamia7962 · 16/09/2022 09:14

How your sister treats other members of the family isn't anything to do with you that's for them to sort out with her if they are unhappy.

The holiday is a replacement holiday for the one you cancelled from. YABU

OakAshBeech · 16/09/2022 09:14

If you want to go on the holiday you need to smooth things over with your sister.
No, you shouldn't have to put up with her selfish behaviour, but by going NC situations like this will keep happening. Your mum and other sister will spend part of their time with her alone and you will be left out on these occasions. It's up to you whether you're okay with that or not.

Original poster
MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 09:15

I haven’t said anything to them and don’t speak to them about it or expect them to be in the middle. She’s 23 and yes a lot younger than me, she should still take accountability and doesn’t, I can’t change it but I can remove myself.

Any family occasions, we’re both invited and just stay away from one another. She still sees my children whenever she likes

OP posts:
TeeBee · 16/09/2022 09:17

OP, I totally understand what you're saying about her behaviour, it sounds terrible. And your stance on that is to distance yourself from her...fine. But you must be able to understand that the rest of your family won't want to deal with it that way. Do you want them to all fall out with her? You're being childish if so. It would serve your interests better to smooth things over with her, so you can still join in with family things, but totally pull back on any favours to her. I have a sister who takes it in turns to fall out with various people. The best way I've felt to deal with it is empathise with her but continue my relationships with everyone. I'm not saying she's wrong in her feelings, they belong to her, but I'm not falling out with everyone just because she is. Far too much drama. Just keep a healthy distance from each other.
You do know that you falling out with your sister won't change her behaviour so just protect yourself from it.

Vikinga · 16/09/2022 09:18

I think you're spending a.lot of energy avoiding her. I would kiss and make up and no longer do her any favours until she grows up. Humans don't fully mature until they're 25 and can be selfish etc. You don't have to pander to it, but no point in missing out and creating a horrible atmosphere.

Regarding the pillows - couldn't the grandmother have found some other ones or used a cushion or some clothes? Are you sure your sister didnt offer and your grandmother refused?

Original poster
MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 09:18

@Mamamia7962 really? If you’re sat there and one of your family members is talking to another like absolute crap, you’d just sit there and think ‘not my problem’?

OP posts:
Marynotsocontrary · 16/09/2022 09:20

Other that a personality transplant for your sister (which may actually happen somewhat as she matures) what are your looking for here OP?
What is your best case scenario?
Do you not want your mum and other sister to see her on their own without you? Is that it?
Because that's asking rather a lot imo.