To feel hurt they’re planning holiday without me?

[MarvelMom]

I (36) fell out with my sister (23) about 6 months ago, we haven’t spoken since. Prior to falling out, me, my sister, my other sister (30) and my mum had planned a trip to Paris to celebrate my youngest sisters 21st (belated due to covid).

After the falling out I decided not to go and pulled out. It was a big falling out, family agree she was the a-hole in the situation and without giving every little detail, it boiled down to me feeling like I’m always there when she needs help e.g uni work (we did the same course), boyfriend trouble, any time she was upset, etc, but then talking to me and treating me (and everyone else in my opinion) like crap. She honestly won’t even ask you how you are when meeting up and just flat out lied to my face. I’d had enough.

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??) so now none of them are going. But, and here’s now where I’m feeling hurt, my mum and two sisters and planning another trip for next year, just the 3 of them. I still get on with my mum and other sister. I’m not sure what I expect? I don’t want to go, well I would want to if we hadn’t fallen out, but I’m worth more than being spoken to how she speaks to me and will not pretend it’s ok, like the family seems to.

AIBU?

@Glitteratitar i said I haven’t spoken to her in 6 months, she completely blanked me on Mother’s Day (after I told her she was out of line) when I visited my mum and we haven’t spoke since.

@CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop Yes, she and my Nan do not get on now. Something I feel my sister has kept up more than my Nan.

I get it OP. I have a similar situation.
I felt hurt as when she was very young I did a lot with her and cared about her a lot. But she always saw me as old and dull and irrelevant. She is very self-centred.
However things have improved as she has matured - or rather as both of us have matured because I’ve learned that her behaviour isn’t a personal insult, just who she is, and I have to let some things slide. I treat her as an adult now instead of a child (which she hated - she always felt that we were leaving her out of things). However I still do have to bite my lip and be patient at times (so she’s not as adult as she thinks she is). She will always be selfish but she has good points too and our relationship has improved.

It helps that she lives far away lol.

At 36 you might need to mentally detach a bit from your family and expect more adult relations between you - this will include you NOT getting involved in any dramatic big fights bur stepping quietly but firmly away for a while until things have cooled down. And don’t get angry over how she behaves to others eg your grandmother - your sis is an adult and her relationship with other adults is NONE of your business.

So if you haven’t spoken to her in 6 months, do you honestly think she shouldn’t have the holiday that was planned for her birthday, that you pulled out of whilst you glee in the alleged karma causing the cancellation?

She is allowed to carry on having relationships with other family members…

Basically you are sad they've 'picked her' rather than sided with you in the argument (even though they shouldn't have sided with anyone).

You have fallen out with your family, haven't spoken to any of them for six months and have nothing to say about any of them, so why are you in any way surprised or hurt that they haven't invited you on holiday, which is a rearrangement of the previous holiday you pulled out of?

I think it's inevitable that they would re book trip and you have already made clear you don't want to go by cancelling and by not speaking to sister - you wouldn't go to a birthday celebration of someone you don't speak to.
In a few years for your 40th if it's not resolved then presumably you will go away with mum and middle sister and not invite youngest you don't speak to.
I'd personally use this as something to think about and if you want to carry on like this. You obviously want to go with them the only thing stopping you is you.
You don't have to like all her behaviour or be best pals but the ignoring her is petty and will be causing your mum stress. It sounds like you thought you could change her by ignoring her.

@MarvelMom yep, I followed the sister count & cancellation issue 🤣

Help YOURSELF out here, it's a belated 21st trip that you chose not to go on. You've not been excused from a 'new' holiday. It's still mini brats birthday that you (understandably) chose to pull out of.

going forward, what are you going to do though?

she's a brat, but you're the one making a stand. YOU have chosen to exclude yourself from some things. Given it's been two years, you've had time to decide how to deal with birthdays/Christmas etc. How have those occasions been?

I do understand how you feel as I have a similar situation with my brother. But it's complicated as he lives overseas, near my mum. I won't bore everyone with the details, but I do understand.

work out what you 'realistically' want/need to happen now. Then work on making it happen. (The realistically part is important.)

Given your undertones I suspect that your equally childish karma really? The fact your other sister maintains a relationship and your mother suggests that she maybe not the problem. She is alot younger and lacks life experience of someone in there 30s. Did you expect them all to turn their back on her and rally around you. That doesn't happen.

I think it’s normal the holiday has been rebooked without you. You cannot expect to people to live in limbo because you’re cross with your sister, who sounds selfish. I don’t think there is any taking sides. Your sister is possibly being pragmatic and decided the positives with your sister outweigh the negatives. Your mum also isn’t necessarily taking sides. She is going on a trip with her dds as agreed.

Why should the mum and other sister have to pay for a 2nd holiday when it's the op who pulled out?

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??

Yeah, it's the karma bit that has lost you any sympathy here OP. You were pleased that her holiday didn't go ahead as planned, yet you're surprised that they are rebooking without you. It would seem that you fell out with her over an incident that didn't even involve you (your grandma?) and yet you wonder why she didn't take up your offer to 'talk it over' a few weeks later?! She's an adult, she decides what she does not you - have you complained about her a lot within your family previously?

Basically you need to back off (and stop complaining to your family if you do that). Your family get to decide their own boundaries, you do give the impression that you think they are wrong in not following your example and that means that not only are you not talking to your sister, you family can probably feel the disapproval from you as well!

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus @MrsSkylerWhite Yes I feel booking a separate trip would be a bit of a statement and purposely leaving her out. Which I’m not a out

@Bananarama21 ive said more than once I do NOT expect them to cut her out or not go on the trip. I don’t know what I expect, hence me writing something here, not going to the family. I have this uneasy, upset feeling and I didn’t know what to do with it.

Also, there seems to be a lot of confusion not fallen out with anyone else. Only my youngest sister.

A lot of attention on the karma comment, yes deep down I felt like she deserved for it to be cancelled. On booking the trip the price kept increasing ‘by that way I want to do this, this and this’ etc and when I pointed it out her reaction was ‘and?’. My mum is paying for her which is why she isn’t bothered about price. We all arranged a time to go over to their house to sit down and book the trip, we got there and she couldn’t be bothered to get her laptop to do it ‘as it takes ages to load’ so we had to arrange another meet up. Maybe it does sound bad that I felt it was a bit of karma, but I kept it to myself.

Your mum is never going to cut your sister out - she has 3 daughters. It sounds more like youngest is immature perhaps has been babied, in a way you are criticising your mum by the fall out.
Seriously think on how this is going to be longterm - eg you won't be at her hen do or wedding, logistics if your mum is in hospital or mum's funeral. How will you explain to your kids - auntie was being a rude idiot so I never spoke to her again. Your family aren't going to cut her out for being an immature brat some evertimes.
Would a family member help smooth the way and mediate.

Op I understand, I have more than one toxic family member. Sometimes you put up with it so long and then realise they cause more drama and upset then anything else. Sometimes it’s better to just move on from trying to constantly fix the relationship.

I don’t begrudge my parents or any of my other siblings planning outings etc with them though. I’m not sure what you expected in this situation.

It’s equally karma that you made the holiday about you by pulling out, and now they’re going ahead without you. Kind of deserved IMO.

She sounds immature and princessy but not something for a lifetime rift. Holiday example - get your laptop don't be a prat 'Katie' we've come over to get everything booked. Point out the extras will be another 200 and mum is paying for you so that's 400 for her thats not fair. Maybe we should do either river cruise or wine tasting etc.
They were inevitably going to re book for 21st trip.
The uneasy and upset feeling is because deep down you don't want to be in this no contact stuation. Sort it before it festers.

I feel for you OP. Especially when previous posters are telling you to accept being treated like utter crap or lose your family. It isn't fair that you are the one excluded from family things when you haven't done anything wrong. A lot of people seem to think that just because she is younger than you that you should just suck it up and take the abuse.

I would invite the rest of the family to your own events (trips, bbqs/picnics/dinner at yours, meals out). If they won't make the effort then I would look into golden child/scapegoat dynamics and see if they fit with your family dynamics. Protect yourself and your kids from this kind of scenario. Hopefully just because you've taken a stand against your horrible sister, you won't have lost the rest of your family. I would still attend wider family functions and just ignore/grey rock your sister and not partake in any drama whatsoever. If she can't do the same and you somehow end up being the excluded one, then I guess you have your answer and can withdraw from them.

Best of luck op

Have you tried to talk to your sister OP? It's a big deal to cut a sister out of your life (especially as it will have flow on effects on how the rest of your family deals with it, and you will find yourself in these situations feeling left out a lot - and she will too, I'm sure). I get feeling sick of her behaviour, but you are the older sister, and she's still very young (our brain doesn't stop developing till 25!). Maybe she'd be receptive if you opened up and tried to actually talk to her about everything and get through to her. It would be sad to just cut off such an important relationship, imo.

with the age gap you must feel like more of an aunt than a sister but it seems silly to let an argument go into a lifetime grudge. Be the bigger person and try to fix it. Don’t engage in the stonewalling.

It's not a family thing though it's a specific birthday trip. Op hasn't been excluded she cancelled and now that trip has been re booked - if airline hadn't cancelled then Op wasn't going as she had pulled out.
You don't go to x's birthday party if you aren't friends with x.
Family events the family still invite Op and she ignores her sister.
Potentially awkward things in future will be events that blur line eg is sisters wedding her party so Op not invited or a family event, same with sisters hen do etc.

But they haven't really, the holiday was literally for the sisters birthday. She's not said they sided with anyone and I don't think going on the birthday holiday is siding with her, they're not siding with either sister just carrying on as normal, it was the OP who pulled out after all

I’m in a similar situation, I get it. Even how you’re feeling @CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop

it’s the lack of solidarity or understanding that the siblings behaviour towards you/others is unacceptable, it’s isolating and sad that nobody else seems to want to take this kind of treatment of others to task, which of course allows it to continue

I’ve been treated appallingly by my sister and then my mother. Other people being supportive of me is good, but they carry on as normal with these people and somehow it feels like I’m not believed, or I did something to warrant it. It feels raw somehow.

If you pulled out due to the falling out why would you expect to go on a rescheduled trip? If it had been due to timing or logistics instead then you could feel upset but not as you had excluded yourself.

What do you actually want here? No one to reschedule her birthday celebration holiday? Confusing post.

Karma doesn't exist. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. All the time.

The cancellation of the trip doesn't mean the universe has dictated that you were in the right. It literally just meant the trip was cancelled.

You go no contact for you. Because you will be damaged by ongoing contact. It actually doesn't matter what other people do because you have done it for you because the alternative would be worse.

However this actually isn't what you have done. You've gone non contact to punished and correct and thetefore you expect others to validate you opinion and follow suit. It will not work

Going no contact to punish, when you have people you care about in common never ever works. Joint relations still care about both of you and they will go with whoever makes it easier to maintain joint contact. That isn't you. It will impact more negatively on your relationships than your sisters

Falling out with family is hard. However right you think you are in your head, its rare other people will see it exactly as you do.

Make sure it is not you who is losing more they are gaining by this non contact