To feel hurt they’re planning holiday without me?

sheenapunk · 22/09/2022 21:40

People do fall out, adults; it's pretty common. You sound rather unkind.

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incognitopurple · 20/09/2022 16:32

YANBU. I’d be hurt too

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IAmGoals1119 · 20/09/2022 16:31

Not today, but yesterday*

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IAmGoals1119 · 20/09/2022 16:30

you’re actually the first person I’ve ever seen use you’re in place of your, lol

The reason I “felt the need” was because I just saw it today for the first time, as an article just dropped about it today in my country. I didn’t read all the “numerous” things that you said, I simply left my comment. I am sure you’ll still continue to get messages from people who see it for the first time unless you decide to delete it.

I answered your question, with a caveat. Feelings of hurt are visceral — you can’t possibly be “wrong“ for your natural response to a stressor — so I added that you were unreasonable for not expecting them to cancel — which is in no way contrary to anything else I’ve said.

I also never said you were wrong for “falling out“ with her — moreso confused as to why you even care what she’s doing anymore, when you have your own life and family to plan your own celebrations with.

you’re free to say I feel angry if that’s what you think. Maybe one day you’ll realize you’re wrong about that as well Shrug Good luck.

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MarvelMom · 20/09/2022 16:16

@IAmGoals1119 I’m not sure why you felt the need to post this. This thread is pretty much finished now.

🤦‍♀️ I have written numerous times I did NOT expect them not to go because of me. So you’ve said I’m unreasonable for something I didn’t say. I said I was hurt, AIBU? Which you said I’m not unreasonable for feeling? To the thing I was actually asking. So make up you’re mind. I’ve realised I was looking at this situation wrong, but I am not in the wrong for ‘falling out’ with anyone that continually speaks and treats me like shit on their shoe, no matter their age.

P.S. not saying you are but you sound like an angry person

OP posts:

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IAmGoals1119 · 19/09/2022 21:07

MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 08:50

I (36) fell out with my sister (23) about 6 months ago, we haven’t spoken since. Prior to falling out, me, my sister, my other sister (30) and my mum had planned a trip to Paris to celebrate my youngest sisters 21st (belated due to covid).

After the falling out I decided not to go and pulled out. It was a big falling out, family agree she was the a-hole in the situation and without giving every little detail, it boiled down to me feeling like I’m always there when she needs help e.g uni work (we did the same course), boyfriend trouble, any time she was upset, etc, but then talking to me and treating me (and everyone else in my opinion) like crap. She honestly won’t even ask you how you are when meeting up and just flat out lied to my face. I’d had enough.

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??) so now none of them are going. But, and here’s now where I’m feeling hurt, my mum and two sisters and planning another trip for next year, just the 3 of them. I still get on with my mum and other sister. I’m not sure what I expect? I don’t want to go, well I would want to if we hadn’t fallen out, but I’m worth more than being spoken to how she speaks to me and will not pretend it’s ok, like the family seems to.

AIBU?

Completely unreasonable. I’m your age. I can’t even imagine falling out with a 23 year old, but OK - she does sound like a sasshole (I was too at 23) but YOU pulled out of the trip, and it’s HER birthday!!

Are you really that entitled to I think that the rest of the family was going to forego their vacation to appease you … when it is not even to celebrate YOU?! Her birthday isn’t canceled just because YOU don’t like her.

i’m sure you will have another birthday this year, most people do… Plan your own trip without her, and exclude her. You’re not unreasonable for feeling hurt, but you’re unreasonable for thinking that anybody would really have your back once you posted this petty ass pity party on the internet!

PS: not saying you are, but you definitely sound jealous as hell of her.

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AryaStarkWolf · 19/09/2022 10:16

MarvelMom · 17/09/2022 09:15

@Thereisnolight really? This is an acceptable way to treat an elderly person? I’m talking about showing a bit of kindness. My Nan gives her money, paid for her holiday, shows lots of interest in her life. I didn’t come in heavy handed (why to people keep giving responses to things I haven’t actually written), it was an example of the behaviour. I have shown respect, it isn’t returned. I remember her having an eye appointment that was about 45miles away, I drove her otherwise she’s have to wait months for a more local appointment. No thank you and nothing but attitude on the way there. She’s phoned me in tears after arguing with my mum and I drop everything I’m doing.

I’ve excused the behaviour before thinking oh she’s only 15, she’s only 19, she’s only 21. She’s now 23 and I’ve had enough.

This post wasn’t really about whether she or I was right, or even making amends, it was about the holiday they are planning. I feel much better about it as I’ve changed the way I’m looking at it due to what some peoples responses have pointed out.

But it's not just a holiday that they organised and excluded you from, it was re-booking the birthday holiday that was cancelled that you had already said you didn't want to go on. Why would you go on a holiday to celebrate your sisters birthday when you're not even speaking to her

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Nanacairns · 19/09/2022 04:03

Ok so you fell out with your sister and pulled out the first time , probably because you felt you had to in a way as it was for her 21st not because you really didn't want to go, however I maybe wrong about why you pulled out, but it sounds like your going through what I go through with my mum and sister. See I also don't speak to my younger sister ni fault of my own but her faults just like you she speaks bad about me calls be horrible names disrespectful constant to me. Unless she wants something from me then she will contact me like nothing has happened untill next time she goes on a wicked b..ch spree. And I'm ment to just leave all the hurt she causes me and get on with it happily. I did once but not now. And my mum and her have been on 3 holidays abroad together and iv never once been asked witch has broke my heart so much. I go daft at my mum she is our mother and should tell her she is out of order to her face no point telling me you know she's wrong mum I tell her. Anyway I feel left out in everything they do my mum visits her goes out for meals ect with her but never me . So I get how you feel 100% . And all you want is to bloody go with them and make memories but you can't till you get the respect you deserve from your sister and your mother should be telling her this. And now they have booked up again and didn't even ask you if you wanted to make up and go that's heartbreaking. So keep to your morals and self respect and tell your mum how you feel about it all and about her as a mother not making it happen as a mother she should be telling her to grow up respect you and apologies. And no matter what anyone argues that you pulled out first time this time you should have still been at least asked to go. Your mums hurting you by showing she is sideing with her. Your not overreacting people don't understand the hurt of it all if it's not happens to them. Chin up don't keep it to yourself speak to mum about it all hope things get better soon

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Pompom1919 · 18/09/2022 11:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines, as we have suspicions about this user.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 18/09/2022 11:28

Your Dsis is treated as a DC by all of you helping her with uni, boyfriends etc.

It isn't surprising she can be selfish.

Yabu as it is her Birthday trip, why not make up with her, put boundaries in place and enjoy the family holiday.

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adultchildofalcoholicparents · 18/09/2022 11:21

Tallulah1972 · 18/09/2022 10:06

Give it time…she’ll soon start using & abusing her other sisters kindness…

But, for consistency, they will tolerate her behaviour, continue to align with her, and invite her to family events.

There will be subtle language changes so the family use of 'we' will, by default, not include you. If challenged, they will tell you they are over-thinking things.

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Tallulah1972 · 18/09/2022 10:06

Give it time…she’ll soon start using & abusing her other sisters kindness…

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WizdomE · 18/09/2022 10:05

Oh I really do empathise with you, things like this can be very difficult. You do have some important decisions to make. Do you want a future relationship with your sister (understanding that if you don’t there will be ongoing consequences for both of you and other family members), if you do, you need to reflect upon how your sisters actions effect you, how you contributed to the falling out (maybe in how you handled it, due to feeling hurt), and then take 100% ownership to fix it. Yes I said 100%. To fix something it does not require the allocation of blame, but a very mature discussion, including an apology of how you contributed to the fall out and then a calm explanation of why you feel hurt and how it has built up over time resulting in a less than desirable outcome, be clear of you intent “I love you, I want to clear the air, make up and find some shared understanding of how we can both rebuild our relationship… family is too important to give up on too easily…. It’s easy to be stubborn and righteous, but more painful if not fixed sooner rather than later.

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madasawethen · 18/09/2022 09:13

What did she do that you don't speak to her anymore?

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eggcustard1 · 18/09/2022 09:04

Pippylongstock · 16/09/2022 09:40

It’s okay to feel hurt. But as others have said, maybe just find some centre ground to ‘make up’. While her behaviour sound horrendous your other family members don’t want to ostracise her. I think as others have said she may grow up in time and reflect on her bad behaviour. Or not and you simply remain low contact

I agree with this. I imagine you feel a sense of injustice that the family are just continuing as normal with your sister, despite her behaviour, and you are missing out. I do think that in time you will probably be the one who misses out the most on family events etc. If you are not comfortable with that I would find a way to be in touch with all of your family. That doesn't mean you are condoning your sister's behaviour, just preserving your rightful place in your family. Thankfully it's not your job to police her behaviour towards other family members.

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Roxy69 · 18/09/2022 09:02

I don't suppose there are many families that don't have a few minor simmering resentments. You have to grow up, not her. This is too much about you and what you want, presumably your ideal scenario is that they all follow your lead and cut her off. Perhaps the fact that they don't might be a wake up call to you to reassess your own rather extreme reactions.

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Toomuchtrouble4me · 18/09/2022 08:35

TeeBee · 16/09/2022 08:54

Hang on...so they're booking a replacement trip for the one that you said you didn't want to go on. Now you're pissed that they're going without you? Or even going at all?
Despite you and your sister falling out, she is still your mums daughter and your sister's sister. Whatever people's shortcomings, your family still love her and want to celebrate her 21st.

I think that’s a different sister - the fall out one is 23. Nonetheless op is 36, she needs to grow up and sort it.

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Naerub · 18/09/2022 08:32

Would you prefer the whole family never speaks to her ever again ?
You will end up "falling in" again at some point. Life is too short- do it now. She may be an a hole but she is your sister.

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Hesma · 18/09/2022 07:57

You didn’t want to go so you’re not involved… YABU

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Badunkadunk · 18/09/2022 07:55

What are you looking for? Everyone else in the family to fall out with your youngest sister? That’s not going to happen, particularly on the part of your mother (you’re talking about her child). I know it’s hurtful when others don’t take a principled stand but that’s life; most people do not and go along with the herd for an easy life. Organise a holiday with your middle sister and your mother, but you can’t expect them not to go ahead with this holiday just because you (quite rightly it would seem) pulled out. You don’t need others to validate your decision to freeze out your narcissistic little sister.

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Marvellousmadness · 18/09/2022 07:01

So.
You dont want to go
But if they go
You are hurt that they go without you

Right...

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Cornishclio · 18/09/2022 05:52

You cannot change others behaviour, only the way you react to it. If your youngest sister talks to you nastily then either cease contact with her or call her out. Don't put your mum and other sister in the middle.

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JayBayTay · 18/09/2022 04:25

Listen, you don’t have to take crap from anyone. And it’s ok to feel left out. The fact that the people In these comments are giving little sister a pass for her childish behavior is exactly the reason why she still acts this way. why should you accept being mistreated just because she is a brat. Eff that.
My baby sister is the same way and I ice her out until she apologizes everytime.

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T1Dmama · 18/09/2022 01:43

You’re being unreasonable because all they’re doing is rebooking the trip you didn’t want to go on.
Maybe you need to ask you mum and sisters you do get on with to book a separate holiday with you as well?
maybe you mum and sisters need to suggest to the sister that she needs to apologise to you?…
Think you need to tell your family how you’re feeling!

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MummyIsJustDoingThis · 18/09/2022 00:24

I’m an only child but this just stinks! I would hope that your mother would be more grown up and realise this is ridiculous! Your sister is a twat and I imagine you wouldn’t want any part of the trip, but to have it planned in front of you is absolutely shocking. I always find families shocking as my dh’s are all nobs. If I could just stick to my parents being invited, I would.
Your mother needs a shake. Terrible parenting.

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