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To feel hurt they’re planning holiday without me?

196 replies

MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 08:50

I (36) fell out with my sister (23) about 6 months ago, we haven’t spoken since. Prior to falling out, me, my sister, my other sister (30) and my mum had planned a trip to Paris to celebrate my youngest sisters 21st (belated due to covid).

After the falling out I decided not to go and pulled out. It was a big falling out, family agree she was the a-hole in the situation and without giving every little detail, it boiled down to me feeling like I’m always there when she needs help e.g uni work (we did the same course), boyfriend trouble, any time she was upset, etc, but then talking to me and treating me (and everyone else in my opinion) like crap. She honestly won’t even ask you how you are when meeting up and just flat out lied to my face. I’d had enough.

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??) so now none of them are going. But, and here’s now where I’m feeling hurt, my mum and two sisters and planning another trip for next year, just the 3 of them. I still get on with my mum and other sister. I’m not sure what I expect? I don’t want to go, well I would want to if we hadn’t fallen out, but I’m worth more than being spoken to how she speaks to me and will not pretend it’s ok, like the family seems to.

AIBU?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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TonTonMacoute · 16/09/2022 09:52

Your family may agree with you that your sister behaved badly, but they clearly don't agree that the best way of dealing with this is to cut her out.

You do what you have to, but let them deal with your sister as they see fit. You have withdrawn so you will be left out for the time being.

I hope the situation eases and you can find a way to makes it better soon.

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Mrsjayy · 16/09/2022 09:53

You have "fallen out" with your 13 years younger than you Sister and now you are annoyed they have not invited you on a trip that you said you didn't want to go on ? Maybe it's you and not them.

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MessyBunPersonified · 16/09/2022 09:56

You want them to invite you so you can decline.

Your hurt is coming from the fact the decision was taken out of your hands.

You can't expect to be invited on a trip you pulled out of, for the birthday of a person your not speaking to.

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NotJustAnybody · 16/09/2022 09:56

I get you but unfortunately you're the one that's missing out. Not just this holiday, there will be other stuff no doubt. She's not going to change but you can change how you deal with her.

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CJsGoldfish · 16/09/2022 09:57

If you’re sat there and one of your family members is talking to another like absolute crap, you’d just sit there and think ‘not my problem’?
Isn't it up to the person being spoken to? If they're enabling such behaviour, surely it is on them?

There is an identical gap between my youngest and the next child and I find the dynamics completely different between the youngest and the rest. Not in exactly the same way but I know that, no matter how much my youngest loves her siblings and they her, she feels that she missed out on a lot of things (and she doesn't have the 'shared' experience the others do) and I guess she did. Not an excuse for bad behaviour of course but if your parents and other sibling are 'allowing' her to treat them badly, perhaps they feel something similar?
Again, not saying they should accept it, but obviously they do. And it's on them, you can't take that on.

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MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 09:59

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination I think I’m thinking of it as an entirely different holiday, and feel like I’m being ostracised, rather than a replacement, because it’s so far away.

For clarification, 3 of us sisters in total, one of my sisters is 30, the one I’m not speaking to is 23. The holiday is a belated 21st for her. I pulled out of the holiday but it wasn’t cancelled because of that. It was cancelled coincidentally a few months later by the airline.

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Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 16/09/2022 10:02

MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 09:59

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination I think I’m thinking of it as an entirely different holiday, and feel like I’m being ostracised, rather than a replacement, because it’s so far away.

For clarification, 3 of us sisters in total, one of my sisters is 30, the one I’m not speaking to is 23. The holiday is a belated 21st for her. I pulled out of the holiday but it wasn’t cancelled because of that. It was cancelled coincidentally a few months later by the airline.

Butbits not different. You were happy when it was cancelled did you think they'd just do nothing?

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AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2022 10:02

If you've changed your mind about going tell them, they're not mind readers though

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Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/09/2022 10:04

MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 09:59

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination I think I’m thinking of it as an entirely different holiday, and feel like I’m being ostracised, rather than a replacement, because it’s so far away.

For clarification, 3 of us sisters in total, one of my sisters is 30, the one I’m not speaking to is 23. The holiday is a belated 21st for her. I pulled out of the holiday but it wasn’t cancelled because of that. It was cancelled coincidentally a few months later by the airline.

But it is a replacement. For a holiday you didn't want to go on. It got cancelled but they still want to do the holiday so have rearranged it. YABU to be upset about that. There was no point inviting you as you didn't want to go.

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Mrsjayy · 16/09/2022 10:05

You made it clear you didn't want to go to Paris they probably didn't want any bad feeling on the next holiday, if you want to be included in family things you might need to go to them and accept your sister for who she is.

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MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 10:06

@Mrsjayy @MessyBunPersonified Like I said I don’t know what I’m expect, I not expecting them not to go. I’m not expecting them to cut her out. But I do feel like they ignore and accept the behaviour. I’ve got a feeling that I didn’t know what to do with, seems shake it off is the answer.

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MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 10:09

I feel like it’s worth knowing, I did say to her a few weeks after, if she wanted to talk about it then we could, she didn’t take me up on it.

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Sceptre86 · 16/09/2022 10:10

I'm 35 and have a younger sister who is 25. She's self absorbed and selfish as rather a lot of people her age are, it isn't helped by the fact that she is the baby of the family and very much babied. Like your sister she often reaches out when she has a work query, we do the same job but gets annoyed when I don't immediately respond (currently on mat leave with baby). I cooled the relationship because life is too short to be dealing with that crap when I've got a busy life of my own as she does too. We are friendly when we see each other but don't have the closest sister bond and I'm fine with that. I just got tired of always being the one reaching out and being an afterthought. I have another sister and their relationship is their own. You can be upset that you are being left out but you aren't talking to her and it is a special milestone.So whilst I totally understand why you are upset yabu.

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Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/09/2022 10:10

A lot of surprising responses here, telling OP that she is wrong and the younger sister is just ‘immature’.

No one else is bothered by the 75 year old grandma story?

OP your sister is more than ‘immature’ she’s selfish and unpleasant and seems like you’re the first one who’s had enough. The problem is that your other family members haven’t stepped up in the way they ideally should - ie telling 23yr old sister to pull her socks up and behave appropriately or else. A family needs to work together when one is out of line, rather than continuing to accept the status quo, especially as she’s in the wrong.

You need to work out if your mum and other sister would isolate you rather than her - and then decide if so what you are going to do, be isolate or get a truce and have higher boundaries.

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MrsSkylerWhite · 16/09/2022 10:11

YABU. Book a separate trip with your mum and your other sister.

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Glitteratitar · 16/09/2022 10:11

I know others have said the same thing but I just want to check…

It’s a holiday to celebrate your sister’s birthday. The sister you’re not talking to. And you’re upset you’ve not been invited. Really?

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sweetbambi · 16/09/2022 10:11

@MarvelMom I kind of get what you mean. your family's positions of neutrality in all this is what is frustrating you is that what the problem is?

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Pipsquiggle · 16/09/2022 10:12

@MarvelMom YABU. Your sister sounds immature but then she is young.

You are at your most selfish when in your early 20s. Your brain is still developing until your mid / late 20s. You have all the freedoms of being an 'adult' yet not quite the full emotional maturity to assess whether you are acting appropriately.

This is when you need your siblings / family to point out that you are being a dickhead. You have done this. She won't change over night. To cut yourself off like this seems very dramatic when she is acting like a selfish 20 something which TBH is pretty normal. You need to keep telling her that she's out of line, otherwise, how will she learn?

I remember being a dickhead in my early 20s, making some bad decisions. My family had to keep reminding to be more altruistic etc.

Perhaps you need to swallow your pride. Offer an olive branch. Say you'd like to go along, however, you won't tolerate selfish behaviour and will point it out if it happens. Tell all your sisters and DM so you are all clear on how you feel

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Glitteratitar · 16/09/2022 10:12

MarvelMom · 16/09/2022 10:09

I feel like it’s worth knowing, I did say to her a few weeks after, if she wanted to talk about it then we could, she didn’t take me up on it.

After you had decided to stop speaking to her?

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CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 16/09/2022 10:13

You sound like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face.

The example of your sister having the pillows and not giving a pillow to her nan, doesn't exactly cover her in glory, but is it really worth all this upset?

Has your nan fell out with her?

She sound immature, but you do too.

Life is too short.

Can you not just accept she is a selfish person and treat her accordingly. Be civil, but don't do her any favours etc.

Your mums heart must be breaking over this. I bet she feels like she can't do right for doing wrong being torn between the pair of you.

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Beautiful3 · 16/09/2022 10:13

What's the alternative though? You make up and go? If not, then this is how it is. No point moaning about it, just forget it and move on.

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Midlifemusings · 16/09/2022 10:13

Everyone's dynamic within a family is different. So your interpretation of your ssister is through the dynamic the two of you have. The relationship and dynamic she has with your other sister and your mother are separate from yours. HOw you and your sister each act and react to each other and your assumed interpreations of each others intentions or motivations shapes your own dynamic.

Everyone deals with conflict in different ways. Some ignore, some avoid, some flounce, some argue, some defend, and a smaller number resolve. Likely your mother and sister have chosen differnet ways to deal with the challenges based on who they are and their relationship to your sister. It isn't right or wrong, it is just how families are.

I have a brother who I have been in a high conflict dynamic with since we are children. We are little more than acquaintances and while civil as adults, there is no bond or connection and I spend as little time as possible with him. However he is very close to my dad and one of my sisters. They do not see him at all how I see him and have their own separate relationship, which is great. I make my own choices and decisions about how and when I choose to spend time with him and they make their own decisions.

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TrashyPanda · 16/09/2022 10:15

What do you want them to do?

not go on the holiday?

ask you, even though you pulled out of the previous one?

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beastlyslumber · 16/09/2022 10:17

I sympathise, OP. I have a younger sister who sounds very similar to yours. Ultimately, you can make the decision to not have contact with her, but you have to accept the price for that is not being included in family things. Or you can decide to tolerate her in order to still be included with your family.

What you can't do is persuade your family to turn against her, to sanction her, to push her to change. Even though they maybe should do so, and it's hurting you that they don't, you can't control that.

It's very painful, because it feels like you are the one being pushed out, or that they are prepared to sacrifice you in order to maintain the relationship with your sister. That may reflect a deeper dynamic within your family. Or it may just be that they have no choice, since you've decided to cut one of them out. It sounds complicated. But I don't think there's anything you can do to change it. You must take care of yourself.

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Onlyhuman123 · 16/09/2022 10:20

@Badger1970 it's the 'unfairness' though isn't it. YOU know the real truth and your sister has manufactured a different one which people are being made to believe...so frustrating and annoying. I have similar with my sibling; he's married to an awful woman and her 'version of events' means he no longer speaks to me/DH. This was 14 years ago and it STILL has the ability to annoy me so much sometimes that he won't listen to me and she is the one who is 'right'. At the risk of sounding childish, it is so unfair and it still drives me mad!!

It's so much easier said than done when people say 'oh just ignore' etc...I can't, not when my true version of events needs to be discussed!! grr...

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