To feel hurt they’re planning holiday without me?

[MarvelMom]

I (36) fell out with my sister (23) about 6 months ago, we haven’t spoken since. Prior to falling out, me, my sister, my other sister (30) and my mum had planned a trip to Paris to celebrate my youngest sisters 21st (belated due to covid).

After the falling out I decided not to go and pulled out. It was a big falling out, family agree she was the a-hole in the situation and without giving every little detail, it boiled down to me feeling like I’m always there when she needs help e.g uni work (we did the same course), boyfriend trouble, any time she was upset, etc, but then talking to me and treating me (and everyone else in my opinion) like crap. She honestly won’t even ask you how you are when meeting up and just flat out lied to my face. I’d had enough.

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??) so now none of them are going. But, and here’s now where I’m feeling hurt, my mum and two sisters and planning another trip for next year, just the 3 of them. I still get on with my mum and other sister. I’m not sure what I expect? I don’t want to go, well I would want to if we hadn’t fallen out, but I’m worth more than being spoken to how she speaks to me and will not pretend it’s ok, like the family seems to.

AIBU?

[Mary46]

Op had this myself. Only thing is it drags on and on... maybe you need to take this step away from family. My sister is a madam and tries to control everyone. Its much better Im polite no more than that.

[butterfliedtwo]

Karma doesn't exist. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. All the time.

Always good to remember.

[MarvelMom]

@LIZS i have already said this is not what I expected

at family gatherings since I said we stay away from one another, not that I outright ignore her. Although she pretty much blanks me. She came to my sons birthday, at my house, I did not exclude her, she said goodbye to everyone except me.We went to my nieces birthday, I was in charge of handing out cake, I asked her if she wanted some and cut her a slice. Other than stuff like this we don’t speak. I’m not mean but I don’t strike conversation.

[Mrsjayy]

@MarvelMom

@Mrsjayy @MessyBunPersonified Like I said I don’t know what I’m expect, I not expecting them not to go. I’m not expecting them to cut her out. But I do feel like they ignore and accept the behaviour. I’ve got a feeling that I didn’t know what to do with, seems shake it off is the answer.

You are hurt that they see her as "can do no wrong" I have a same gap sibling so I get it but sadly they won't back you up. She won't change until she matures and stops thinking the world revolves around her.

[Sashimiandhisthunderpaws]

@MarvelMom does your mum spoil your sister and enable/allow her behaviour?

Yes YABU, you pulled out. But I understand your frustrations.

Maybe be more assertive with sister's bad behaviour instead of not speaking. Instead of rescheduling to look at dates. Tell her that rescheduling doesn't work for everyone else, as she's to lazy to load laptop. Go and get laptop, switch it on, get her to log in and tell her she can make you all cup of tea to give her a chance to reflect on behaving like a self-absorbed child.

We grew up with 3 siblings that were family friends. There was only a year between the older two, then four years between the middle and youngest. The older two were given firm boundaries and weren't spoilt whereas the youngest was spoilt, no firm boundaries and the mum would give in to every time. Also poor behaviour was tolerated. Middle child usually had the thin end of the wedge.

[Thinkingblonde]

You fell out with your 23 year old sister and then opted out of going on holiday to celebrate your youngest sisters 21st birthday right? The trip was then cancelled altogether and now you’ve heard that your mother, youngest sis and another sis are planning another holiday without you?
Don't you think your youngest sister must have been very hurt by your decision to cancel and probably doesn’t want to take the risk of it happening again.? I know I would have been.
The 23 year old sounds immature but hopefully that will improve as she grows older.

[NoDairyNoProblem]

So you pulled out due to sisters shitty behaviour. Holiday was a belated birthday treat for the sister in question.
Flights cancelled so no belated trip now happening.
Same group have now booked another trip and you are upset you haven’t been invited?

All this has happened in six months?

I can see why you feel hurt, however given it’s to celebrate the sister you aren’t talking to I can fully understand why. Do you feel like no one should go as a group?

[InsomniacVampire]

I suppose it would be nice if either your sis or Mum offered to do a trip with you, and there would be no issue.
Some people here think 23 yo are children- your sister is not a child and her behaviour is shitty and upsetting and it seems your Mum and other sis enable it by not confronting it.
Go to Paris on your own or with a friend and have the best of times!

[Thinkingblonde]

I’m sorry, your OP is misleading, it reads like there are four of you.

[Dixiechickonhols]

@Thinkingblonde

You fell out with your 23 year old sister and then opted out of going on holiday to celebrate your youngest sisters 21st birthday right? The trip was then cancelled altogether and now you’ve heard that your mother, youngest sis and another sis are planning another holiday without you?
Don't you think your youngest sister must have been very hurt by your decision to cancel and probably doesn’t want to take the risk of it happening again.? I know I would have been.
The 23 year old sounds immature but hopefully that will improve as she grows older.

23 and 21 year are the same sister.
I think it’s op eldest 35 (with children) middle sis 30 (with a child or children) and youngest sister now 23.
A holiday was booked for all to celebrate youngest 21st. It’s been cancelled and re booked so she’s 23 now but it’s her birthday trip paid for by her mum.

[Vikinga]

@Thinkingblonde

I’m sorry, your OP is misleading, it reads like there are four of you.

It doesn't.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Vikinga

It doesn't.

It actually does a bit

[Dacquoise]

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow

A lot of surprising responses here, telling OP that she is wrong and the younger sister is just ‘immature’.

No one else is bothered by the 75 year old grandma story?

OP your sister is more than ‘immature’ she’s selfish and unpleasant and seems like you’re the first one who’s had enough. The problem is that your other family members haven’t stepped up in the way they ideally should - ie telling 23yr old sister to pull her socks up and behave appropriately or else. A family needs to work together when one is out of line, rather than continuing to accept the status quo, especially as she’s in the wrong.

You need to work out if your mum and other sister would isolate you rather than her - and then decide if so what you are going to do, be isolate or get a truce and have higher boundaries.

I was thinking the same thing. If my daughter behaved like that towards an elderly person I wouldn't just ignore it, I would point out how unkind it was. Otherwise how does that person learn and grow? This is typical dysfunctional family behaviour, ignore, minimize, enable. My brother was and has always been a callous git because he got away with it.

@MarvelMom has identified ongoing nasty behavior in her sister, no one else seems to be bothered, by the sounds of it and the behaviour is tolerated and goes unchecked. I can understand the frustration having spent a lifetime traumatised by my mother's promiscuous, neglectful behaviour that everyone else in the family ignored. Op has reached her tolerance level and decided to back off, well done!

As for her mother and sister, she is powerless here. It's not unreasonable for them to book another trip. It's also not unreasonable for the Op to have feelings about it. I don't think this is about the trip but 'the elephant in the room'.

[Dixiechickonhols]

No one knows what mum and sister say to baby sister though. Op has chosen to ignore this sister. They may take view that speaking to her, spending time with her and modelling correct behaviour will rub off eventually.
Holiday booking example mum may have thought youngest was being ungrateful and had a quiet word when 2 eldest siblings had gone home.
It’s horses for courses. Some parents would cancel party if child is a brat, some would speak to them and let party go ahead. Some would ignore the bad and praise the good (was that super nanny) ‘Child’ is in early 20s but it’s same concept - Op seems upset they aren’t dealing with her same way she is but there’s more than one way to approach things.

[Dacquoise]

@MarvelMom

@Mrsjayy @MessyBunPersonified Like I said I don’t know what I’m expect, I not expecting them not to go. I’m not expecting them to cut her out. But I do feel like they ignore and accept the behaviour. I’ve got a feeling that I didn’t know what to do with, seems shake it off is the answer.

@Dixiechickonhols , I don't get the impression they do anything about her behaviour from the Ops posts.

[butterpuffed]

OP , you've only given snippets of your sister's behaviour , you haven't actually said what the big fall out was about .

As neither of you are speaking , it's just as well you aren't going on the holiday , the atmosphere would spoil it.

[LightHousePanda]

I think if this happens again then I'd be annoyed but it was already planned and so it's hard for others who don't want to fall out with your sister to refuse to go on the trip. It is always difficult when fallouts like these happen in families.

[MarvelMom]

@butterpuffed its a bit long is all, there will be opinions and I just wanted to keep what I was asking focused. I’ve also posted the issue on here before under another username and most agreed she was wrong. After this she blanked me and rather than let that slide and try to talk to her I’d just had enough.

[Dixiechickonhols]

@Dacquoise

@Dixiechickonhols , I don't get the impression they do anything about her behaviour from the Ops posts.

She doesn’t see everything though. Op prefers to call her out publicly and then when that’s not worked ignore her.
But Op’s mum obviously has a different style. It might be perceived as letting her get away with it - she might see it differently and prefer to spend time with her, model good behaviour etc. There’s more than one way to parent.
Op is effectively criticising her mums parenting of the youngest. It’s a difficult situation.

[Dixiechickonhols]

I’m not saying you aren’t entitled to have had enough and not put up with her immature behaviour. That’s fair enough. You can’t have it both ways though.
Personally I’d try and find a middle ground of tolerance and be able to do things as all 3 siblings with your mum otherwise it’s you who misses out. But you know her and your tolerance for her entitled behaviour.

[Thinkingblonde]

@AryaStarkWolf

It actually does a bit

Thank you. I read it three times.

[Thereisnolight]

I think the parents are often to blame for these poor relations between siblings. Not always but often.

Like I said, c’mon, detach a bit OP. Be an adult in your dealings with them and expect the same in return. Blank any childish behaviour and step away until it stops..

And afford the same respect to your mostly spoiled younger sister. She may be spoiled but she may also be angry at being treated like a child. I’m with her on the grandma thing. Grandma sleeps in her bed, spills water, expects your sis to hand over her pillow, then bitches about her when she doesn’t. I’d be with your sis on this one. At the very least, I wouldn’t go in all heavy-handed on her for it - it’s really not your bizz. Respect her and she may return the favour.

[TheWayoftheLeaf]

@hellosunshineagainxxx

She is 20/21 and you are 36. She is going to be a bit self absorbed and selfish. Make up with your sister but give less of yourself to the relationship until she matures a bit.

This

[TheWayoftheLeaf]

I mean she certainly sounds like a selfish and annoying little bint but there's not much you can do.

Make up or don't those are the options

[Mary46]

Op if an atmosphere do you want to go. Families are exhausting at times