To feel hurt they’re planning holiday without me?

[MarvelMom]

I (36) fell out with my sister (23) about 6 months ago, we haven’t spoken since. Prior to falling out, me, my sister, my other sister (30) and my mum had planned a trip to Paris to celebrate my youngest sisters 21st (belated due to covid).

After the falling out I decided not to go and pulled out. It was a big falling out, family agree she was the a-hole in the situation and without giving every little detail, it boiled down to me feeling like I’m always there when she needs help e.g uni work (we did the same course), boyfriend trouble, any time she was upset, etc, but then talking to me and treating me (and everyone else in my opinion) like crap. She honestly won’t even ask you how you are when meeting up and just flat out lied to my face. I’d had enough.

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??) so now none of them are going. But, and here’s now where I’m feeling hurt, my mum and two sisters and planning another trip for next year, just the 3 of them. I still get on with my mum and other sister. I’m not sure what I expect? I don’t want to go, well I would want to if we hadn’t fallen out, but I’m worth more than being spoken to how she speaks to me and will not pretend it’s ok, like the family seems to.

AIBU?

Did you have to be this rude?

@Thereisnolight really? This is an acceptable way to treat an elderly person? I’m talking about showing a bit of kindness. My Nan gives her money, paid for her holiday, shows lots of interest in her life. I didn’t come in heavy handed (why to people keep giving responses to things I haven’t actually written), it was an example of the behaviour. I have shown respect, it isn’t returned. I remember her having an eye appointment that was about 45miles away, I drove her otherwise she’s have to wait months for a more local appointment. No thank you and nothing but attitude on the way there. She’s phoned me in tears after arguing with my mum and I drop everything I’m doing.

I’ve excused the behaviour before thinking oh she’s only 15, she’s only 19, she’s only 21. She’s now 23 and I’ve had enough.

This post wasn’t really about whether she or I was right, or even making amends, it was about the holiday they are planning. I feel much better about it as I’ve changed the way I’m looking at it due to what some peoples responses have pointed out.

i know what you mean you feel the rest are enablingher but until she does something to them then things wont change

just get on with your life and try not to let it get to you

You are so rude. How can tell that someone is argumentative and loves drama from one post? She’s obviously hurt and her sister sounds like a spoiled brat.

I think if this was a seperate, new trip they had just decided to all go on without you then you would have very good rights to being annoyed/hurt. But this is still her 21st celebration and you said you didn't want a part in it. That's probably the reason nobody talked to you about it. You have to just stop thinking about it and move on. Also you need to understand we cannot control how others behave only how you react to the behaviour and while you may not like her behaviour, not speaking to her and avoiding family holidays/ events etc is not going to effect her as much as it clearly is you. It may be best to just leave her be her and try to ignore it.

I can’t change it but I can remove myself

Exactly. And as you have made that choice then the rest of your family will have to make their choices around your decision.

I wonder if you are feeling hurt because you also feel that they are choosing you over her. Maybe that has felt like a pattern over time as your sister is clearly able to make herself fairly centre stage!

It's hard I know but I suspect it is hard for your Mum and sisters too.

I’d just distance myself with all of them and no contact :) simple don’t have another thought about them and get on with your life

Family will always take sides, it's rarely just one member.

My family stopped talking to me after I tried to talk to them about my brother's alcoholism (both parents already dead for related reasons).

Everyone denied it was an issue and said it was because I didn't drink at all that I was misjudging the situation. They maintained this to me even when he'd been admitted to hospital for alcohol-related reasons and was referred to a rehab unit.

They still don't talk to me.

I get you op. I've had similar myself, where my sister had a blow out with several people but is fine with everyone else now, apart from me, because I don't go along with her behaviour. Ìt is hurtful, because they choose to enable her, which does feel like they take her side/prioritise her. I have no advice, because I don't know how to handle it either, but just wanted to say I empathise!

I think you are hoping your mother will do some mothering and address your sister's behaviour but if that has yet to happen and she is now 23, it will not happen. As everyone else has said, cutting her off is going to lead to a lifetime of division and stress for your family leaving you feeling hurt when it seems as if they have chosen you. I would see an independent counsellor if I was in your situation to help you find a way to manage your reactions to her appalling behaviour

They have chosen to go on holiday with her. They presumably see good qualities in her that you don't see. None of us have any idea who is right. Probably there is right on both sides. But they definitely have the right to go on holiday with whoever they chose, as do you. You have all made your choices.

Would you have gone if they’d asked you? If not you’ve made your bed so lie in it

I second counselling as a minimum it will help you with extra support.

Wheneber I am faced with any situation, I let people choose whatever they want to do - sometimes I will say I am hurt if we are close, or nothing if that’s better. And go ahead and make my own plans with good friends/close family! I’ll try and do something that’s really meaningful or super fun and leave them to it. If you are on SM block or mute and move on.

Then you are on an equal footing and you can decide the best move in future or let time pass.

I think it’s okay to tell others until she grows up and learns some manners you are not willing to do any more favours/bail her out. It’s up to them what they do with the information.

You are doing wrong by expecting to be treated with respect

I understand what you are saying she sounds like a narcissist.
Let them go away and you plan something of your own to enjoy.

This could be ME talking. I completely, completely understand exactly where you are coming from. I really absolutely do @MarvelMom .

The exact details are obviously different and due to the fact that if I give too many details it could be outing to those who know either of us I need to keep this vague but I recognise the feeling of 'something' which isn't quite identifiable but leaves me feeling sad/angry when certain things happen. Logically I can see (as you do) that there is no reason why something should or should not happen but on these occasions I still feel bad anyway

A couple of things I would say that I have discovered along the way ( with a little background):

I am very angry with my Sister and haven't got on with her for a very long time especially in regard to the way she has treated my elderly mother over the years - but also the way she speaks to and behaves to other Family Members: Unless she wants something in which case she is all sweetness and light until she gets it as she is also very manipulative and a bit of a bully too. Trust me when I say she has done some really pretty very reprehensible things over the years. My Mother has been upset often and both very angry and very hurt at my Sisters behaviours and things she has said and continues to say to My Mum

But the thing is, Family dynamics and relationships are not straightforward. Ever. My Mother says often that she doesn't like my Sister but she Loves her and I'm sure that is true. She is delighted on the rare occasions that my Sister meets up with her in spite of everything she has been angry/upset about - because the alternative would be to never see her at all if they had a major falling out. That would be far worse, as far as My Mother is concerned than putting up with my Sister's unkind and horrible behaviour

It is also true that other family members, like your Mum, your other sister or my family may genuinely totally agree that someone has behaved very badly/unkindly, even dishonestly but they are at a step removed from how you ( or I are feeling). They do not feel the anger first hand and it may be much easier for them to stand back, just a little and decide they want to keep the peace even if they do entirely agree with you

Like you I find it difficult to pin down exactly what I am feeling: but for me, I think it's because I feel as if by not doing what I am doing (not speaking to my Sister) they are somehow not supporting me and it isn't fair!! I think it is a perfectly understandable reaction and I can't help feeling the way I do ( nor you do) so that isn't going to change but I think the only way to deal with it is to try and accept that the others still speaking to your sister are not actually dissing you personally. They just are dealing with difficult family dynamics in the way which is best for them.

It's really hard, so don't beat yourself up. Sometimes I have found that telling my woes to good friends, who will be honest, rather than family I can get the validation I am looking for, if they agree about the situation (which they usually do, or if they don't I get other points of view to think about, which can be just as helpful

I say this as nicely as I can, but YABU. This is a 21st birthday trip for the sister that you do not get on with, so I can understand you not being invited, and as you say it is a replacement trip for the cancelled one that you pulled out of.

You just need to readjust your thinking, you have not been left out, you chose not to go.

So you don’t want to go but you should be invited? Is that what you’re saying?

Or none of them should go on this long belated 21st birthday holiday? Why?

It does sound like this new trip is to replace the cancelled trip that was for her birthday tho, so why would they invite you if you'd pulled out of the cancelled trip already?!

I would be a bit pissed off with my family if they did this, I think. I’m not sure it would be entirely reasonable if I wouldn’t have gone on the trip with them anyway.

Your sister sounds self-centered and not nice to spend time with. But your mum and other family members still want to maintain a fairly close relationship. You, on the other hand, have gone past your tolerance level and don’t want to put up with it anymore. These two approaches don’t really work in the same room well, so I can see why they feel that a trip away can’t include the two of you. But to not try and include you in something similar when they have agreed with you in the past that she’s at fault would really sting.

There is a possibility here that you can’t see past your own passion about her behaviour and have, actually, been unreasonable yourself to the extent your family pander to you telling you what you want to hear about your sister but don’t really mean it. It doesn’t sound like they’re very up front. Possibly you’ve crossed the line a time or two and they see you as as much a “problem” as your younger sister. You haven’t posted anything that particularly gives that impression, I’m just putting it out because it can be difficult, when you’re feelings are heightened, not to be a bit tunnel visioned about things.

But assuming that’s not the case I think a bit of a heart to heart with your mum., not blaming her but pointing out that you were hurt, might be useful. It does, as I said, look like your family have a tendency to sweep things under the carpet/avoid/minimise that means they may not think about the impact of their actions on you because they’re too use to ignoring things. Letting them know it hurt you (but not going on about it and becoming another unpleasantness they just pretend hasn’t really happened) might help make them think twice in the future

I understand you are upset. Your sister sounds narcissistic to me. Just be careful that she doesn’t turn your family against you behind your back! Narcissists recruit disciples to further their agenda and they don’t care where they recruit them from as long as they win the battle and the war! Get some therapy to help to deal with the hurt this fall out has caused and to find a way to deal with the narcissistic crap she will continue to dish out. Don’t loose out on family relationships that you value because of her.

I seem to be in the minority. I'd feel hurt too. I think they should have invited you considering it's a new holiday in the future. Then it's up to you to say yes or no.

My sis in law is 10-12 years younger than me and her siblings and is just the same as your younger sister. Her parents enable it and so it will carry on. She's mid thirties now, so can't use immature as an excuse. I keep a wide berth, fortunately not my actual sister though.

Look on the bright side, you won't need to do all those favours anymore and can spend time with others that appreciate you.

You’ve shot yourself in the foot by “falling out”. Loads of families have members that don’t get on or actively dislike each other but for the sake of harmony just keep conversation brief and polite. You could have just stepped back from communication and stopped doing favours altogether. You didn’t have to “fall out” and pull out of the holiday, that was your choice.

I can understand OP why you feel left out.
I think even if it wasn't a rebooked holiday, perhaps it could well end up something else in the long run (them going for a meal without you) your other family members probably feel torn but not wanting to rock the boat with your sister (who sounds bloody dreadful with her behaviour the way)
I too couldn't sir there and tolerate a family member treating another family member badly and not react or say anything however if the other family members are unwilling to out a stop to her behaviour there's not much you can do.
All I can suggest is let them get on with it, it will eat you up else. Continue your relationship with your family members when your sister isn't there stirring things.
Ignore the fact that they are holidaying together, book a holiday for yourself with a friend/partner etc.
Sometimes people can be blinkered and willing to let family do whatever they like and the person in question comes out smelling of roses, life's too short to let it get to you. For your own self worth just let them make their own beds and lie in them. This could go on for decades else.

YANBU OP.

However, I think you are very silly to be allowing her anywhere near your children or to come near your home.

Very silly.

Her behaviour towards your grandmother is disgraceful and your mother is a disgrace too to allow such behaviour to go unchecked.

No doubt your mother is the reason she continues to behave as she does.

Protect yourself and stay away from her.
She will not change, this is who she is.