To feel hurt they’re planning holiday without me?

[MarvelMom]

I (36) fell out with my sister (23) about 6 months ago, we haven’t spoken since. Prior to falling out, me, my sister, my other sister (30) and my mum had planned a trip to Paris to celebrate my youngest sisters 21st (belated due to covid).

After the falling out I decided not to go and pulled out. It was a big falling out, family agree she was the a-hole in the situation and without giving every little detail, it boiled down to me feeling like I’m always there when she needs help e.g uni work (we did the same course), boyfriend trouble, any time she was upset, etc, but then talking to me and treating me (and everyone else in my opinion) like crap. She honestly won’t even ask you how you are when meeting up and just flat out lied to my face. I’d had enough.

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??) so now none of them are going. But, and here’s now where I’m feeling hurt, my mum and two sisters and planning another trip for next year, just the 3 of them. I still get on with my mum and other sister. I’m not sure what I expect? I don’t want to go, well I would want to if we hadn’t fallen out, but I’m worth more than being spoken to how she speaks to me and will not pretend it’s ok, like the family seems to.

AIBU?

It’s a rebooking of the trip you pulled out of

It’s a trip to celebrate the birthday of the sister you’ve fallen out with and clearly don’t like

I expect they presumed you wouldn’t want to go.

If you’d been invited would you have said yes and gone along? How would that work when you “stay away from” the sister whose birthday it’s for?

@Vikinga no my grandmother was really upset about it the next day. She asked for a pillow and my sister said no. She’s an old 75 if that makes sense, quite stiff after being in bed for a bit.

Can't you just swallow your pride and move on from it all? Is it really worth missing out on quality family time with the rest of your family for the sake of biting your tongue and simply ignoring her bad behaviour?
You can't expect your mother & sister to take sides & miss out because you don't want to go, I'm sure they'd rather you go with them but if you refuse then what else can they do?

I'd offer to plan a trip for you your mum and the other sister and see what is said. If they plan to ostracise you from the group totally because you don't get on with your sister then it would be useful to know that. Whilst I don't think you should go/be invited on this trip necessarily as you already pulled out, I would be pretty hurt if what is actually happening is your mum and sister are taking sides and you are the one now loosing out on a family - although sadly that happens.

I'd be careful about giving someone who you says acts as bad as your sister does unsupervised access to your children though.

Your sister sounds a nightmare... But to avoid being and feeling excluded in the future, I'd try to improve things. Your mum and other sisters, having seen the fallout from you taking a stand, won't ever risk calling her out. You need to slide back into some familiarity with the annoying sister - organise another day out soon, cook for them all, think of something. They may not know how to rectify the situation but will probably feel relieved if you make a move to get back to some sort of status quo. Good luck.

I’m not expecting them not to go, I asked if I was being unreasonable to feel hurt about it, I can can see that everyone thinks ‘yes’

Feeling hurt silently and gauging reaction to either validate or shake off. I got my answer , thanks all

This is ridiculous. So because of the argument they now have to pay out for two holidays. In this economy?!

This isn't their fault.

You’re kind of unreasonable to be upset about the holiday because it’s inevitable that that’s what they’re going to do when rebooking a holiday that you said you don’t want to go on. But the fallout sound horrible and you’re not wrong to feel aggrieved about the whole thing - you’re more sad about the falling out than the holiday, really. And the other family members not “siding” with you. That’s v hurtful. Poor you xx

i don’t understand being hurt at all.

You pulled out of the original trip. This trip is being rearranged. A trip you chose to not be part of.

Grow up! You fell out with them, said you didn't want to go on holiday with them and now they are going without you.

I see no problem there except with your attitude

@LittleOwl153 thanks for you’re input, it isn’t unsupervised, my mum, my partner or family are always there. Nothing has made me think she speaks ill of me in front of them of anything.

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim Huh? No the airline cancelled and refunded, had nothing to do with me pulling out

@MarvelMom I hear you on this. I know someone exactly like your sister and 23 is not exactly young so her behaviour should not be so easily dismissed. Of course, it hurts as being left out is never nice but you made a decision that in the long term (whether you make up or not) will probably be more positive for your own well-being.

Other posters are right when they say you can't expect them not to rebook especially as it is a belated 21st celebration. Your sister and mother have made their own decisions knowing what they know. I think you need to try and deal with your own hurt and make sure you have plans during the time they are away.

I think most people are muddled here. Your youngest sister who you get on with is turning 21? You also have a 30yr old sister you get on with.
Middle sister is 23 and the one you have fallen out with.

Your sister sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do but by not speaking to her, you could be enabling all sorts of family drama and tension. If I were you, I'd call a truce but keep firm boundaries in place and just stop doing things for her. As she matures and faces some of life's hard stuff, a lot of this selfishness will probably drop off.

Unless a situation is completely toxic or abusive (which is a totally different scenario), I much prefer living in peace with people.

YABU. You pulled out because you didn't want to go. The others did want to go. Their holiday then got cancelled so they're rearranging it. YABVVU

It’s okay to feel hurt. But as others have said, maybe just find some centre ground to ‘make up’. While her behaviour sound horrendous your other family members don’t want to ostracise her. I think as others have said she may grow up in time and reflect on her bad behaviour. Or not and you simply remain low contact

@MarvelMom I think you need to take some time out to think about WHY you're feeling hurt. On the face if it, you said you didn't want to go because she's acting like a brat (fully agree by the way, but she's 21, hopefully she'll grow out if it).
then it was cancelled (not by them) & they've booked another one. You're still avoiding your sister, so what do you think has changed that would make them think they should invite you? You made your position clear, you've stuck to it. It's essentially the same trip....
I'm confused about WHY you're 'hurt'

its not even as though they've just randomly booked another holiday, they've booked it to replace the one you pulled out of!!

ask the others to go away for the weekend or whatever for your birthday/Christmas markets/whatever.

you could slowly start not avoiding her & just pull her up every time she acts like a brat.

It's all very confusing but if she is the youngest and both you and other sister are 30+ I think it unlikely she will ever act very mature around you. The dynamic is almost like a parent as well as sister, she won't be doing it on purpose. She probably acts differently outside of the family.

@Boomboom22 I took it to mean the OP has fallen out with her youngest sister who is now 23, but the trip was for her belated 21st which had been postponed due to Covid.

Yes I think you're right 😁

I don't know what you are replying to but that isn't related to anything I have said.

Choose the hill carefully that you're planning to die on, OP.

When I went NC with my sister, she made sure that she ran to extended family/mutual friends and got her story at the forefront. I'm now completely excluded from family events, and also my DC which has really really hurt. It's on them, of course, but I've had a lifetime of being the family scapegoat and nothing has changed for me. I've just spread the field even wider for myself.

However, my mental health is far better for not waiting for the next poisoned barb to land in my skin from her - so overall I have to accept the price for that not happening.

So your Mum and two sisters get on just fine, and you are the one who has got stroppy. Now you are hurt because they are going on a holiday you backed out of because you were being stroppy. My sympathy is with the rest of your family - there’s nothing worse than a judgemental sibling claiming the moral high ground and causing trouble.

Well I wouldn't love it. It sounds as if you were hoping they would follow your lead and withdraw from your sister to show her her behaviour is unacceptable. Instead they have "chosen her", leaving you isolated. I would guess there is also an element of the older more dutiful sibling watching the cute younger sibling get away with murder and seething with resentment.

She may improve with age, or she may not. I think the important thing is to actively maintain your relationships with your mother and other sisters - not as a group which excludes the problem sister, but as individuals.