To feel hurt they’re planning holiday without me?

[MarvelMom]

I (36) fell out with my sister (23) about 6 months ago, we haven’t spoken since. Prior to falling out, me, my sister, my other sister (30) and my mum had planned a trip to Paris to celebrate my youngest sisters 21st (belated due to covid).

After the falling out I decided not to go and pulled out. It was a big falling out, family agree she was the a-hole in the situation and without giving every little detail, it boiled down to me feeling like I’m always there when she needs help e.g uni work (we did the same course), boyfriend trouble, any time she was upset, etc, but then talking to me and treating me (and everyone else in my opinion) like crap. She honestly won’t even ask you how you are when meeting up and just flat out lied to my face. I’d had enough.

Fast forward a couple months and the airline cancelled the flights (karma??) so now none of them are going. But, and here’s now where I’m feeling hurt, my mum and two sisters and planning another trip for next year, just the 3 of them. I still get on with my mum and other sister. I’m not sure what I expect? I don’t want to go, well I would want to if we hadn’t fallen out, but I’m worth more than being spoken to how she speaks to me and will not pretend it’s ok, like the family seems to.

AIBU?

It’s understandable OP.

I had a similar thing two years ago, fell out with my eldest sister and years of being treated like crap. The whole family agreed she was in the wrong and I did the right thing standing up for myself, two years down the line hardly any of my family speak to me now because they are too scared to upset her.

it sucks knowing you aren’t the one at fault but others don’t side with you

Only on MN would someone recommend cutting contact with the entire family because the youngest is a spoilt brat 😂. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face!

I know I’m in the minority here but I do understand how you feel. I think you want to feel some loyalty from your mum and other sister and by going on holiday with her they are betraying you.
I’ve been in a very similar situation but with different relatives and it’s a really difficult situation and there’s not much I can offer as advice only that I do understand how you feel x

I'm kinda torn.

You have filled out with the sister who the trip is for and pulled out of the trip.

The trip is cancelled and they have rebooted.

You don't get to be included because you have made your position clear.

That said I do get the pain of having an a-hole sister who gets away with treating everyone like shit. I am NC with mine and have been for about 3 years now. And in the same way as for you everyone including my parents knows and admits my sister is the one in the wrong.

Her and my mum regularly plan trips away together but my mum never wants to do anything like that with me. It does hurt.

But you can only have an impact on how you react and feel about the situation.

Just smile and know your life is better without the drama.

You pulled out of the trip. You also said you wouldn't have gone on the new trip anyway. I'm not sure why you are hurt that they're going ahead with the trip without you - as your actions indicate that you genuinely don't want to go. This is why I voted YABU.

I think the treatment of your Grandma (by your sister - refusing to let her have a dry pillow) was horrible. If you have asked if it was worth falling out with her over that - I'd have voted YANBU. She sounds young/immature and entitled - but has time to grow up a bit. Her priorities and reactions will probably change as she matures.

I do sincerely hope you can work things out with her, it's such a shame when siblings fall put. It sounds like your family are all otherwise quitd close.

Your posts read a lot like my narcissistic sibling. A word of warning, don't make this a competition, because you will not win. You are apreading toxic anger where you're constantly going over perceived minor offences from a decade ago, and being happy your mum and the sibling you supposedly like lost a holiday, well that is just not ok.

Leave your family to have whatever relationships they want, and to have the relationships that you want. By the sounds of it, younger sister is not keen to have a relationship with you either, so just come to terms with it peacefully. If you want a holiday with mum and another sister, then you arrange it.

I would make up with her for family events but not go away with her, can you not go away with mum and other sisters without her

If you decide to go NC with a family member then you have to accept that this will inevitably mean missing out on some family stuff. Your sister sounds like a twat, but cutting a close relative out of your life is something that most people would consider quite extreme. That's not to say it was the wrong decision, you have to do what's right for you, but it would be unreasonable to expect your DM and other sister not to see her or plan things with her anymore just because you've taken that decision. They're in an impossible position really. If they didn't re-book the cancelled holiday purely so you wouldn't be left out then they would effectively be trashing their own relationship with your sister over an argument that isn't theirs.

What I would say is that when it comes down to it you have to fix this.
it doesn’t matter who’s fault it was. Who did what to who and who started it etc.
This argument has fractured your family and will continue to do so.
I’ve had friends who are still not speaking to their sibling 15 years after an argument and met the estranged sibling at
their patients funeral.
No argument is worth the on going breakup and the upset you’re going to suffer.
Fix it. Be the glue. Make it up and go on the next trip. X

Maybe she is neurodivergent? I never remember to ask how people are doing and Exocet them to just tell me if they want to discuss something. I wouldn’t be able to guess this, maybe she can’t either

Your 36 acting like a spoilt brat; she’s done this , she says that !! Grow up why shouldn’t your mother go on holiday with two of her daughters ? That chip on your shoulder is like a fucking oak tree get over yourself 😂😂

You pulled out and were happy when their trip was cancelled. Now they rescheduled and you say you don’t want to go anyway. Of course YABU to be upset they are going without you.

Fiddle de dee Miss Scarlet.

Maybe this isn't so much about the holiday and more about you wanting your family to stick up for you. You will have to write the holiday off. Just think you would hate it anyway and she will probably behave like a dick to everyone when planning it and when there so they can deal with it.

I've known that sort of person and it's almost like a personality disorder. You want her to suddenly see how selfish she is but lack of self awareness is part of it and she really isn't going to realise. In fact she probably thinks she is hard done by most of the time. Only extensive therapy would solve that for her.

Her behaviour will slowly alienate everyone if she keeps it up. I suppose it's up to everyone else in the family as to how long they pander to it. You can't control what they are going to do so you will have to leave them to it. You have put up your boundaries for your own protection and that's the only thing you can do really.

Just think it must be hard work being her on a day to day basis living with that level of conflict and at least you have the self awareness to know that you arent an arsehole. It's ok to feel bad about the holiday.

Is there a reason why you don't cut her out completely? I can't imagine inviting someone to my child's birthday who doesn't even have the decency to say goodbye to me at the end. That level of rudeness is nasty.

It sounds to me like your other sister and your mum see all of the person your youngest sister is, whereas you only see the behaviour (perhaps understandably).
Try taking a bigger step back viewpoint, wise, and see if you can find aspects of her personality that are good company.
If you can, then focus on those.
You can still be clear on what you accept for yourself, but you can't control what others will have less of an issue with, or not want to pull her up on. That's OK them.

that's ON them

Is your Nan on your mum's or dad's side of the family?

I think it's interesting that your mum acknowledges your sister's selfish behaviour to you but doesn't appear to have confronted her youngest daughter about it directly. Why do you think that is? I was wondering if your Nan is your dad's mum and if that's why your mum isn't too bothered about getting involved? But then why is your other sister ignoring the poor behaviours too?

I also find it bonkers that so many posters seem happy to gloss over your younger sister's dreadful treatment of your Nan and are happy to blame you for taking a stand and falling out with her.

I guess you can only hope she'll mature in the next few years but if she's always been a spoilt madam, I think it unlikely.

Reading between the lines here, so sorry if I am wrong… also, ignoring her interactions with others, it’s not yours to police, yup, even the gran situation.

Your younger sister has always come to you with her problems and being the bigger sister you took care of her. This has been going on since she was a kid, so for 20 years.

As she got older the initial dynamic continued, she had a problem, reached out you dropped everything and became what she needed.
Meanwhile you start to resent her behavior with her interactions expecting her to behave another way, but most likely didn’t have a conversation with her, I’m guessing you made a snarky comment here and there, that she ignored (or simply didn’t get).

Then, out of nowhere you blow up… and start listing all of the past transgressions when she should have behaved differently.
This is the thing, at all of those times you made a choice too, you put her needs ahead of yours, she did not do that. Can you blame her for acting how you have allowed her to act for the past 20 years?

Is she selfish or or does she put herself first? Seems that you may envy her ability to say no when she doesn’t want to do something, but you think morally she should do it regardless,because that is what you would do.

Human beings do not all behave the same way. Are you projecting expectations of her behavior based on what you would do? If so, stop, that leads to nothing but frustration. Accept her for who she is, take control of your behavior.
She is now a quasi adult, so you don’t have to drop things to address her issues, you can say no! Be explicit, if something is bugging you speak up, but allow her the same courtesy, she could be experiencing you as domineering, always right somewhat critical big sis?

Go to Paris, you will regret not having that experience with you mom!

eYou want her to behave like an adult, it’s about time you did the same here.
Talk to her!

Best of luck!

I also find it bonkers that so many posters seem happy to gloss over your younger sister's dreadful treatment of your Nan and are happy to blame you for taking a stand and falling out with her.
We are getting one side of a tale from about ten years ago when little sister didn't give up a pillow on one night. The other side might be that she didn't fully wake up, or that it never happened. I took into account OP's style and content before deciding she was not a reliable witness, and as she is an unreliable witness I can't justifiably criticise the sister.

Your mum shouldn’t be encouraging this so I think YANBU!!

I’m an only child but this just stinks! I would hope that your mother would be more grown up and realise this is ridiculous! Your sister is a twat and I imagine you wouldn’t want any part of the trip, but to have it planned in front of you is absolutely shocking. I always find families shocking as my dh’s are all nobs. If I could just stick to my parents being invited, I would.
Your mother needs a shake. Terrible parenting.

You’re being unreasonable because all they’re doing is rebooking the trip you didn’t want to go on.
Maybe you need to ask you mum and sisters you do get on with to book a separate holiday with you as well?
maybe you mum and sisters need to suggest to the sister that she needs to apologise to you?…
Think you need to tell your family how you’re feeling!

Listen, you don’t have to take crap from anyone. And it’s ok to feel left out. The fact that the people In these comments are giving little sister a pass for her childish behavior is exactly the reason why she still acts this way. why should you accept being mistreated just because she is a brat. Eff that.
My baby sister is the same way and I ice her out until she apologizes everytime.

You cannot change others behaviour, only the way you react to it. If your youngest sister talks to you nastily then either cease contact with her or call her out. Don't put your mum and other sister in the middle.