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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 15/09/2022 11:00

I think milk soap or milk baths is all its good for I'd say. I'm so sorry, I struggled to express and the thought of wasting milk like that is heartbreaking to me too.

Is he at least sorry? Its such a small mistake, but seems so huge at the same time!

HeythereDelilah101 · 15/09/2022 11:01

Argh I’d be bloody pissed. What was his reaction? Did he apologise? Was it a genuine mistake? I guess nothing you can do now… not sure what you can do with it. But you can’t be mad at him forever…

Skinnermarink · 15/09/2022 11:02

I would have been gutted at this!

my dad’s new girlfriend thought she was being helpful when she swooped on a bottle I’d left on the side for two minutes when I went to the loo- and washed it up for me- it was the breast milk I’d been pumping at 4am instead of sleeping as that’s when the health visitor told me you get more out.

i burst into tears. Pumping was hard.

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/09/2022 11:04

Oh god YADNBU. My ex once knocked over a bottle of breast milk I'd spent hours pumping and I went mad. Pumping is so difficult. Your poor thing.

ChagSameachDoreen · 15/09/2022 11:04

I would be FURIOUS.

RoutineLow · 15/09/2022 11:04

How has he responded?

I completely understand your feelings. Something similar happened to me and it's awful because you're not losing milk, you're losing hours and hours of your life spent pumping. And all the hours that you'd hoped to buy yourself by allowing someone else to feed them. It honestly did take me a while to get over. I'm sorry you're dealing with it now 💐

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:04

I would be upset, yes but I don't think I would be mad at someone for making a mistake. It happens. I think you have to ask yourself how you would have reacted if he had accidentally left ice lollies or burgers or something else out of the freezer to help rationalise.

Skinnermarink · 15/09/2022 11:06

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:04

I would be upset, yes but I don't think I would be mad at someone for making a mistake. It happens. I think you have to ask yourself how you would have reacted if he had accidentally left ice lollies or burgers or something else out of the freezer to help rationalise.

Unless I’d hand reared the cows for the burgers myself, slaughtered them with my own hand and then lovingly minced them into patties ready to feed to my hungry children I couldn’t see this as the same thing at all.

FeltCarrot · 15/09/2022 11:07

But burgers and ice lollies can easily be replaced by going to the local supermarket. Bottles of breast milk cannot.

maddy68 · 15/09/2022 11:08

It's so frustrating and upsetting

But also an accident

You'll laugh about it one day

anon5678 · 15/09/2022 11:08

Gosh I'm really sorry, I would be furious with DH for this. It does feel very "unthinking" of him - surely not hard to see the breast milk you've removed and put it back?

However it is just a mistake and no amount of anger will reverse it. Think it's one of those thing you just have to give time to, in a few weeks I'm sure the anger/annoyance will have subsided and you will care less.

Liked the suggestion from someone above about soaps etc! Also could get a breast milk necklace perhaps

cstaff · 15/09/2022 11:09

@sidewayswalking
Sorry but that is not a good comparison. You buy a few ice lollies or burgers and they are left out - all you have lost is the few quid you have spent and while it may be frustrating it is not comparable by any stretch of the imagination.

nervousnelly8 · 15/09/2022 11:09

YA SOOOO NBU. Pumping is brutal and I would also be completely gutted by this. I think my response would partially depend on DH's response. If he is grovellingly apologetic I think I'd work on trying to let it go. If he is defensive about it I'd find it harder.

In terms of moving forward, try to remember that whilst breastfeeding there are loads of hormones floating around making these things feel much worse. I say that as someone who has definitely cried over spilt breastmilk on more than one occasion. In the grand scheme of things, giving baby formula versus expressed milk is not going to make any difference to their health, happiness or general wellbeing. Why not do a milk bath and get some nice pictures, and/or do a bit of milk jewellery/keepsake if that's your thing?

2020nymph · 15/09/2022 11:10

I would be livid.

My DH forgot to put a bag in the freezer for me and I didn't realise until it had been left out in the side in a heatwave for the day. I was so cross.

On the subject of formula. I had to mix feed my firstborn after four months. I had some health issues and had to do some fasting blood tests which really affected my supply. It bothered me at first, I think because it felt like I had no choice, but I made my peace with it.

ifonly4 · 15/09/2022 11:11

I understand you're upset and frustrated, but I think it was a genuine mistake which we all make from time to time. Even if he's not showing it, I would think he's feeling really bad about it and no way it'll happen again.

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:11

cstaff · 15/09/2022 11:09

@sidewayswalking
Sorry but that is not a good comparison. You buy a few ice lollies or burgers and they are left out - all you have lost is the few quid you have spent and while it may be frustrating it is not comparable by any stretch of the imagination.

Of course it is a good comparison. That's the whole point. Being mad at someone for an accident isn't rational. I understand the loss is greater and I would be upset, but I wouldn't be mad at someone for accidentally leaving anything out of the freezer.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 15/09/2022 11:11

Assuming it was a genuine mistake, just let it go.

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:12

@Skinnermarink

I'm not saying it's the same thing though.

Skinnermarink · 15/09/2022 11:12

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:11

Of course it is a good comparison. That's the whole point. Being mad at someone for an accident isn't rational. I understand the loss is greater and I would be upset, but I wouldn't be mad at someone for accidentally leaving anything out of the freezer.

Show quote history

They you must be a saint, because you definitely can be angry at people for accidents and carelessness.

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:12

FeltCarrot · 15/09/2022 11:07

But burgers and ice lollies can easily be replaced by going to the local supermarket. Bottles of breast milk cannot.

Quite. Which is why I said I would be upset. I would not however be mad, because accidents happen.

minipie · 15/09/2022 11:13

Oh god I’d be so so upset and furious. That’s hours of work when you were exhausted too. Pumping is a labour of love.

Taste it - does it taste off? If not, then if you heat the milk to boiling point and then cool it, I think you could safely refreeze and use it. It won’t have all the same enzymes etc after heating but will still have lots of goodness (basically you will have pasteurised it). It may not taste the same though so if your baby doesn’t like it maybe you could mix it into purees for weaning?

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:13

They you must be a saint, because you definitely can be angry at people for accidents and

I'm not a saint I'm just able to step back and rationalise.

Skinnermarink · 15/09/2022 11:14

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:13

They you must be a saint, because you definitely can be angry at people for accidents and

I'm not a saint I'm just able to step back and rationalise.

What about if someone accidentally left your door unlocked and you got robbed of all your belongings? Or accidentally didn’t clip your dog’s lead on and they ran in front of a car? It’s just an accident right, no need to be upset or mad…

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:15

What about if someone accidentally left your door unlocked and you got robbed of all your belongings? Or accidentally didn’t clip your dog’s lead on and they ran in front of a car? It’s just an accident right, no need to be upset or mad…

But I said I would be upset, so stop trying to change what I said to make your point.

Hugasauras · 15/09/2022 11:16

I would be absolutely fuming. Heartbreaking for you, OP. I remember spilling a bottle in the early days and just weeping over it.

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