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AIBU?

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1215 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
JustKeepLookingWithYourEyes · 15/09/2022 11:17

I’m so sorry OP, I lost my stash when our freezer broke and that was heartbreaking enough, I think I’d be feeling the same as you if my DH did that! Why don’t you try and do a really nice photoshoot with the milk as a milk bath? I have some gorgeous pictures of DC2 from using some expired milk

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phishy · 15/09/2022 11:18

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:04

I would be upset, yes but I don't think I would be mad at someone for making a mistake. It happens. I think you have to ask yourself how you would have reacted if he had accidentally left ice lollies or burgers or something else out of the freezer to help rationalise.

Yet another cool mum

Of course you’re angry, OP, and anger and be healthy.

What is his reaction?

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Seaweed42 · 15/09/2022 11:18

Another person's mistake is something outside of your control.
Yeah, I'd be very upset.
Because the feeding our baby is so directly linked to our emotions and instincts as a mother. It goes beyond just an accident.
Some of your very best intentions towards your baby were stolen in this accident.
You are a good mother, doing your best.

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Suzi888 · 15/09/2022 11:20

FeltCarrot · 15/09/2022 11:07

But burgers and ice lollies can easily be replaced by going to the local supermarket. Bottles of breast milk cannot.

🤔 Replaced by the supermarket? You mean binned and repurchased surely. Still a waste. Something has died to be chucked away. Money has been lost.

Either throw the milk away or bathe in it.


Upsetting but it’s done and literally no point getting upset over spilt milk- it’s not going to make it come back. I’d be annoyed but nothing you can do now. I hope your other half was apologetic.

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sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:21

Yet another cool mum

Is that supposed to be an insult?

I don't see any difference between accidentally leaving milk or burgers or ice lollies out the freezer. The act of forgetting is the same no matter what the product. I'm not cool at all but I don't get mad about accidents.

The resulting loss however is of course very different and yes I would be upset.

The idea that OP can't forgive her DH for an accident is extreme to me

I'm not sure why that needs a 'cool mum' comment which tbh I don't even fully understand.

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JustKeepLookingWithYourEyes · 15/09/2022 11:21

Just to add, my DH does silly things like this as well. His defence is always “it was an accident”, like that means my upset and anger should just melt away! I am not upset about the accident itself, it’s more about DH not taking care, not paying attention etc. sorry, that’s probably not very helpful, the anger will lessen over time!

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newjobwhodisperhaps · 15/09/2022 11:22

I'm not sure there's a way to express the anguish of spilt breast milk after you've been pumping and pumping for a tiny ounce and someone spills it.

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't felt that distress! Sounds dramatic but when you are sleep deprived and feel your body is failing you, it hurts!

I would be upset but in time you will get past it xx

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bellinisurge · 15/09/2022 11:23

I'd be fucking livid.

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thenightsky · 15/09/2022 11:24

it's awful because you're not losing milk, you're losing hours and hours of your life spent pumping. And all the hours that you'd hoped to buy yourself by allowing someone else to feed them

This^

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anon5678 · 15/09/2022 11:25

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:21

Yet another cool mum

Is that supposed to be an insult?

I don't see any difference between accidentally leaving milk or burgers or ice lollies out the freezer. The act of forgetting is the same no matter what the product. I'm not cool at all but I don't get mad about accidents.

The resulting loss however is of course very different and yes I would be upset.

The idea that OP can't forgive her DH for an accident is extreme to me

I'm not sure why that needs a 'cool mum' comment which tbh I don't even fully understand.

OP is looking to vent her anger and looking for support from people who understand what it would feel like to pump for hours on end just for the milk to go bad out the freezer because her husband didnt think about what he was doing.

Calling it extreme is really unhelpful.

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sashh · 15/09/2022 11:25

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:04

I would be upset, yes but I don't think I would be mad at someone for making a mistake. It happens. I think you have to ask yourself how you would have reacted if he had accidentally left ice lollies or burgers or something else out of the freezer to help rationalise.

You can buy replacement burgers an ice lollies.

OP

For me this would be a huge red flag, it's not just a mistake or a 'forget' thing, that milk was created by your body for you, and his, baby. An old teacher of mine used to say, "You didn't forget, you couldn't be bothered to remember".

Now your baby is on formula I hope your husband is doing all the feeds himself and at least letting you get some sleep.

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ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/09/2022 11:25

FeltCarrot · 15/09/2022 11:07

But burgers and ice lollies can easily be replaced by going to the local supermarket. Bottles of breast milk cannot.

They literally can though, with formula. It doesn't give the time back sure.

I'm sorry you're so upset @Iwantmymilkback. Carelessness with something that means something to you can be really devastating. I'd be really cross too.

I'm not sure how you get over it other than just giving yourself time. Allow yourself to be annoyed and it will lessen. I hope he's suitably apologetic.

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Skinnermarink · 15/09/2022 11:25

@sidewayswalking you definitely can’t ever have pumped milk to feed your baby if your this blase about someone carelessly ruining it.

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Pyewhacket · 15/09/2022 11:26

Just waiting for the cod psychology from Atilla 🙄

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Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2022 11:27

Crying over just one bottle of spilt breastmilk is justified. I would be devastated over a full stash.

it is also an honest mistake so you will have to forgive him.

it’s ok to have complicated thoughts and emotions about this one.

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sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:28

@anon5678

Funny thing is when I first posted about rationalising things I was trying to help OP.

The extreme comment came because I got drawn into defending my initial comment which had been taken completely the wrong way. I have been called 'cool mum' and I haven't even mentioned my parenting? Come on, I was never having a go at OP.

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sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:29

Skinnermarink · 15/09/2022 11:25

@sidewayswalking you definitely can’t ever have pumped milk to feed your baby if your this blase about someone carelessly ruining it.

I don't think saying I would be upset is blasé but I think it's best if I stop responding to all the comments now as it's just derailing.

Being upset but not mad is reasonable imo.

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caffelattetogo · 15/09/2022 11:30

Can he help you build it up again? Sterilise the pump, take over your share of housework while you pump until it is replenished?

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Hugasauras · 15/09/2022 11:31

@ChiefWiggumsBoy Formula is not breastmilk though so it's not an equivalent replacement. I have no issues with other people's use of it and I'm glad it exists, but I choose not to feed my DC with it for various reasons and would be upset at essentially being forced to do so when I had made such an effort to have breastmilk for them.

So yes it's a mistake but it's an extremely careless one that I would be very upset about.

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Skinnermarink · 15/09/2022 11:32

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:29

I don't think saying I would be upset is blasé but I think it's best if I stop responding to all the comments now as it's just derailing.

Being upset but not mad is reasonable imo.

That wasn’t a dig by the way, it’s no concern of any one’s what way you feed your baby, but I’m just saying the hours and inconvenience and discomfort of pumping to build up a store is bloody hard, and then when you don’t even get to use it it’s gutting! If you haven’t done it it’s not easy to understand.

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billy1966 · 15/09/2022 11:32

I too would be very upset at his carelessness.

Very annoying.

The comparison to ordinary frozen food is obtuse.

Collecting breastmilk is a huge effort.

I would be looking to cook it, and make up baby rice etc so as not to allow it perish.

Google uses to cook and refreeze.

The annoyance will pass soon but it is very understandable

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Yesthatismychildsigh · 15/09/2022 11:37

Oh my love. I thought the headline was a bit dramatic until I read what had happened. I’ve no words of wisdom but really do feel for you.

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phishy · 15/09/2022 11:39

@sidewayswalking

I think you have to ask yourself how you would have reacted if he had accidentally left ice lollies or burgers or something else out of the freezer to help rationalise.

Funny thing is when I first posted about rationalising things I was trying to help OP.

Cool mum is a description. Comparing OP's breastmilk that she has spent days pumping to ice lollies and burgers is cruel at worse, thoughtless at best.

And it's not funny. Do you generally lack empathy?

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Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 11:40

He was apologetic, he said he was sorry and so on. But he also said "sure you can pump again?" which drove me f* crazy.
Anyway even if i wanted to i would not be able to pump enough milk.

I invested so many hours in this and hated every second of it. It was all pointless. I could have used the time to sleep. I cannot stand the idea.

I know i will forgive him overtime but now i cannot stand looking at him.
A bit extreme maybe but it is how i feel.

OP posts:
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LT2 · 15/09/2022 11:41

As someone who is breastfeeding and has tried pumping... YANBU. It takes ages for me to manage to express just 2oz! I was also going to suggest a milk bath. Supposed to be great for their skin.

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