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AIBU?

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1215 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:42

phishy · 15/09/2022 11:39

@sidewayswalking

I think you have to ask yourself how you would have reacted if he had accidentally left ice lollies or burgers or something else out of the freezer to help rationalise.

Funny thing is when I first posted about rationalising things I was trying to help OP.

Cool mum is a description. Comparing OP's breastmilk that she has spent days pumping to ice lollies and burgers is cruel at worse, thoughtless at best.

And it's not funny. Do you generally lack empathy?

It's deliberate isn't it? Just to keep going? To try and goad me?

Like I said, I'm not going to derail any further.

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BungleandGeorge · 15/09/2022 11:43

I agree some people clearly can’t empathise as their situation is different. I’d be furious as pumping was such hard work for me with little to show for it! That would be literally hours work for me and clearly I wanted to use breast milk not formula for my own reasons so that would be no replacement. Was he apologetic?

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cavia · 15/09/2022 11:44

So sorry OP. I'd be fuming 😕

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UWhatNow · 15/09/2022 11:44

“Formula is not breastmilk though so it's not an equivalent replacement.”

That’s exactly what it is though. 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he doesn’t mess up like this all the time and it was a genuine mistake then I think you are overreacting. We’d all be pissed off in your shoes but do try to move on and forgive him for your own sanity.

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HappinesDependsOnYou · 15/09/2022 11:48

How old is the child?

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ReneBumsWombats · 15/09/2022 11:48

I'd have felt the same way, OP. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced the exhaustion and misery of pumping can get it. I used to cry when mine didn't finish their thawed milk and I had to chuck small amounts of leftovers. I cried when they spewed it up.

It sounds trivial but it isn't. It isn't as easy to replace as that.

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HandbagAtDawn · 15/09/2022 11:49

I invested so many hours in this and hated every second of it. It was all pointless. I could have used the time to sleep. I cannot stand the idea

Oh you poor, poor thing. I would be utterly gutted too.

Tell him he can make it up to you by paying you all those hours back in uninterrupted sleep!

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reallydoihaveto · 15/09/2022 11:49

I really feel for you, pumping is such hard work and irreplaceable.

I would refreeze some of it (labeled up as inedible), and then take some time to choose some really lovely milk jewellery to have made (at his expense obviously!).

I wish I’d done that as by the time I got round to it there wasn’t enough milk left to make anything and I feel sad there is nothing to show for all the hours I put in. Apart from (somewhat ungrateful) DC of course!

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phishy · 15/09/2022 11:49

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:42

It's deliberate isn't it? Just to keep going? To try and goad me?

Like I said, I'm not going to derail any further.

What are you on about, you asked me a question?

I responded to your unkind posts because I wanted OP to see that lots of us can see why she is angry and upset.

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phishy · 15/09/2022 11:50

UWhatNow · 15/09/2022 11:44

“Formula is not breastmilk though so it's not an equivalent replacement.”

That’s exactly what it is though. 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he doesn’t mess up like this all the time and it was a genuine mistake then I think you are overreacting. We’d all be pissed off in your shoes but do try to move on and forgive him for your own sanity.

Breastmilk is not the equivalent of formula. Have you been living under a rock?

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Iwouldlikesomecake · 15/09/2022 11:50

UWhatNow · 15/09/2022 11:44

“Formula is not breastmilk though so it's not an equivalent replacement.”

That’s exactly what it is though. 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he doesn’t mess up like this all the time and it was a genuine mistake then I think you are overreacting. We’d all be pissed off in your shoes but do try to move on and forgive him for your own sanity.

Formula is a lot of things but what it 100% definitely is NOT, is breastmilk.

So no. It isn't the same.

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10HailMarys · 15/09/2022 11:53

Well, I think in this situation I'd be absolutely gutted and really upset, but I don't think I'd be angry with DH for what was presumably a completely honest mistake that anyone could have made. I certainly wouldn't 'not be able to forgive' him.

God only knows I've made some terrible absent-minded mistakes in my time, so I'd be a hypocrite to rage at someone else.

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Blackmetalmama · 15/09/2022 11:53

Hi OP, I would be devastated too. Pumping is so hard, and it would take me a long time to forgive this. He was careless and I think it would show to me that he never appreciated the effort that went into pumping all that milk for his child. If he had appreciated the effort and how precious the stash was, he wouldn't have just left it out with no concern. What a waste.

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LuciusMeowFoy · 15/09/2022 11:53

My DH left our freezer door open on Xmas eve once and all the contents (including tonnes of breast milk) defrosted. I can just about laugh about it now- 7 years later! It was heartbreaking at the time, but mistakes happen.

I do check the freezer as part of our Christmas Eve traditions now though!

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/09/2022 11:53

He doesn’t get it does he? How precious that milk was?

Having never made milk with his own body, he doesn’t seem to understand how much it takes out of you do to do so. But he should at least have understood on an intellectual level.

Id be fuming tbh.

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SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 15/09/2022 11:54

He is a stupid arse. I bet he would have taken care to put it back if he had pumped it out of his body.

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10HailMarys · 15/09/2022 11:54

really lovely milk jewellery

This feels like an oxymoron to me

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LazyJayne · 15/09/2022 11:54

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 11:40

He was apologetic, he said he was sorry and so on. But he also said "sure you can pump again?" which drove me f* crazy.
Anyway even if i wanted to i would not be able to pump enough milk.

I invested so many hours in this and hated every second of it. It was all pointless. I could have used the time to sleep. I cannot stand the idea.

I know i will forgive him overtime but now i cannot stand looking at him.
A bit extreme maybe but it is how i feel.

  1. How long did you spend pumping the milk (answer with best guess in hours)?

  2. In what ways was it uncomfortable (e.g. had to stay awake when you were tired, strap digs in, pump hurts nipple, couldn’t do other things when you were pumping - list everything)?

  3. What impact does not having it have on you/baby (e.g. baby now has to have formula instead of mothers milk when you’re in work, which is often reported to be less beneficial for development)?

    Write down your answers to the above and then either give him it written down or read it to him.

    Give him the chance to understand what you’re feeling. He should understand without you having to do this, but maybe he’s just particularly dense.

    If, once you’ve calmly and rationally explained why you’re so upset, he’s still defensive or dismissive, you’ve got a husband problem.

    Think about what you want from him to make amends. Is it a proper apology? Is it getting up to feed the baby so you can catch up on sleep (if he’s not doing this already, why not)?
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EarringsandLipstick · 15/09/2022 11:54

Unless I’d hand reared the cows for the burgers myself, slaughtered them with my own hand and then lovingly minced them into patties ready to feed to my hungry children I couldn’t see this as the same thing at all.

Brilliant! 😂

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Yesthatismychildsigh · 15/09/2022 11:54

OP whilst hitting him repeatedly with a frozen leg of lamb would be a perfectly reasonable option, just remember, it will be frowned upon. Hope that made you smile.

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MyNoseIsCold · 15/09/2022 11:56

I struggled a lot with the gaping chasm between mine and dh’s experience of parenting.

There we’re times when I hated him.

We’re sold this complete lie about equality and mothering was my first experience of the utter inescapable unfairness of being female.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

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Restingpotato · 15/09/2022 11:56

Ask your DH for some flowers and make a lovely milk bath with flowers. Take some beautiful pictures of your child and hopefully that'll take the sting out of the mistake. I would be angry too (but I had rage issues due to prolonged lack of sleep!)
If you're still angry in a week or so, breastmilk jewellery at his expense!

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ReneBumsWombats · 15/09/2022 12:00

I never liked the idea of breastmilk jewellery but after an incident like this, it might be a good idea. He should definitely buy it for you.

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Herejustforthisone · 15/09/2022 12:02

I didn’t BF but I can fully understand your distress at his callous disregard for the effort it took. I’d bear an almighty grudge. So no advice, but some solidarity.

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TheEponymousGrub · 15/09/2022 12:03

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP if it tastes OK, definitely re-freeze it all, then rethaw one pot to double check that it still tastes OK. If it is, then you still have a useful resource there. It might not be OK for your tiny baby, but one day - very soon - you will have a toddler who eats things off the floor/ground and it will be so special that you can give them delicious breastmilk to drink from a cup!

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