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AIBU?

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1215 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 12:24

@phishy

I responded to your unkind posts

I just went to briefly return to clarify I absolutely did not mean to be unkind and if I have upset OP I am truly very sorry.

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CaptainNelson · 15/09/2022 12:24

Yesthatismychildsigh · 15/09/2022 12:22

What a foul thing to either do, or pretend to have done.

I don't know if it's true. She was a bit nuts. She died a few years ago so I can't question her on it. Maybe she didn't like the postman?

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Suprima · 15/09/2022 12:24

‘Can’t you just pump more?’

I could have forgiven the accident- but not that. What a monumental twat. The disrespect of it. He really hasn’t got clue and hasn’t cared to.

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HannahsLife · 15/09/2022 12:26

You can't stand to look at him? You're being ridiculous. He made a mistake, I hope you never make one with that attitude.

Your baby is going to be 10000% fine. Bf when you can. Ff when needed. Absolutely no ill effects at all.

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whynotwhatknot · 15/09/2022 12:27

cant you just pump more-no twat can you

i bet it was something for him that he went to get out aswell

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AreYouAFeminist · 15/09/2022 12:27

This is not going to be popular....

What age is your child? I'm guessing over a year if you're back at work. The child can drink regular cows milk over 1 year so you need to try to get over it. Maybe it's time to say goodbye to breastmilk.

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Ponoka7 · 15/09/2022 12:27

If he's a job-half-done person then he needs to get his shit together quickly. It's difficult to live with when you have a baby. A lot of these men are only careless when it doesn't impact them.

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TheOrigRights · 15/09/2022 12:28

Oh goodness, this invokes such strong emotions in me, even though the son I expressed for is now 23 (I didn't need to express for the younger one).
It's liquid gold and its loss is enough to make you weep.
He made a mistake in trying to make it better by suggesting you can pump more, but if this is a one off then allow yourself to be upset and angry and then move on. It's done.

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Mumoftwoinprimary · 15/09/2022 12:29

I think that you should pump more. But you need to fix it so that he feels every last drop of it.

”Sorry - you’ll need to make dinner and look after the baby - I need to go and pump”
”Sorry - you’ll have to do all nights with the baby for the next month - I have to get up in the night to pump”
”Right - let’s make a list as to what housework is needed to be done this weekend. Gosh - what a long list! I might be able to water the plants but I’m going to be pumping all weekend so I’m afraid the rest is all down to you. Still - 7 bottles down - only 20 to go before we replace all the ones you trashed! It’s exhausting pumping though so I will need like in’s both days in order to maximise production.”

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Smineusername · 15/09/2022 12:30

That's right he has to pay

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dementedpixie · 15/09/2022 12:30

@Iwantmymilkback Could you heat the milk and then refreeze it?
Not sure if it affects the properties of the milk but at least it wouldn't be wasted

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gamerchick · 15/09/2022 12:30

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 11:21

Yet another cool mum

Is that supposed to be an insult?

I don't see any difference between accidentally leaving milk or burgers or ice lollies out the freezer. The act of forgetting is the same no matter what the product. I'm not cool at all but I don't get mad about accidents.

The resulting loss however is of course very different and yes I would be upset.

The idea that OP can't forgive her DH for an accident is extreme to me

I'm not sure why that needs a 'cool mum' comment which tbh I don't even fully understand.

I'm wondering how many hours you put into pumping.

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ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/09/2022 12:32

phishy · 15/09/2022 11:50

Breastmilk is not the equivalent of formula. Have you been living under a rock?

It's not the same but of course it is an equivalent. Else solely bottle fed babies would die. Or require something else to be healthy. Which we categorically know they don't.

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Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 12:33

Baby is 6 months old. I was hoping to continue the exclusive BF journey still for a while. I have nothing against formula, but i hate the fact that i was forced to start using it when i really did my best to continue with EBF.

Baby is also our second and most probably last child so there is also this "the end" feeling.

OP posts:
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gamerchick · 15/09/2022 12:33

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:16

God almighty the angst over breastfeeding. Angst angst angst.

Formula fed both of mine. Can’t tell the difference. No green skin, no webbed feet, nothing.

You can tell. So many people missing the point 🙄

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zoopigi · 15/09/2022 12:36

Hugs...I totally feel your pain. I remember losing my stash of breast milk due to power failure while we were away, it was totally heartbreaking! Here is a good article though, on things you can do with the breast milk milkology.org/content/what-to-do-with-leftover-breast-milk

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AreYouAFeminist · 15/09/2022 12:37

You will start to grieve the loss of the milk soon I think. Hopefully this thread was cathartic for you.

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TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 12:38

LazyJayne · 15/09/2022 11:54

  1. How long did you spend pumping the milk (answer with best guess in hours)?

  2. In what ways was it uncomfortable (e.g. had to stay awake when you were tired, strap digs in, pump hurts nipple, couldn’t do other things when you were pumping - list everything)?

  3. What impact does not having it have on you/baby (e.g. baby now has to have formula instead of mothers milk when you’re in work, which is often reported to be less beneficial for development)?

    Write down your answers to the above and then either give him it written down or read it to him.

    Give him the chance to understand what you’re feeling. He should understand without you having to do this, but maybe he’s just particularly dense.

    If, once you’ve calmly and rationally explained why you’re so upset, he’s still defensive or dismissive, you’ve got a husband problem.

    Think about what you want from him to make amends. Is it a proper apology? Is it getting up to feed the baby so you can catch up on sleep (if he’s not doing this already, why not)?

I don’t disagree with most of this, but I object strongly to point 3 and it could be very damaging to vulnerable mums reading this. There is literally no, not one iota, of reliable evidence (isolating other factors by using sibling studies) showing more favourable developmental outcomes for bf babies. I don’t want to turn this into the usual bf V ff bunfight but couldn’t leave this unchallenged. It may be ‘often reported’ on mumsnet, but it’s completely unevidenced.

The OP has every right to feel devastated and upset that her choice to feed her baby breast milk has been taken away, but please let’s not pretend it will make a difference to her baby’s development.

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TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/09/2022 12:39

I agree with sidewayswalking actually. Yes I would be upset, and angry, and DH would swiftly learn that no, I can't just replace it ffs.

But...it was an accident. We all have accidents, and we all do stupid things occasionally. And if I had a DH who could not let go of it when I made a stupid mistake, and who held onto his anger and kept punishing me because nothing I could do would ever make it ok, then after a while I would start thinking "You are just being a dick about this now. I'm actually getting less sorry every time you try to make me feel more shit about it. Because you know it was an accident."

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LuckySantangelo35 · 15/09/2022 12:39

gamerchick · 15/09/2022 12:33

You can tell. So many people missing the point 🙄

@gamerchick

err how can you tell?!

there is nothing wrong with formula feeding

op said she hated every second of pumping that milk and for what?!

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beansprout55 · 15/09/2022 12:39

You are being unreasonable by not forgiving, BUT, I know how you feel. I've just finished that journey myself. Im actually angry at my husband right now for no good reason just from reading your story. Which is totally cray cray.
Hormones are a B.

I had to dump some of my stash when we discovered DS has CMPI. I was devastated, like you, hours of pumping when I could have topped up on the 3 hours of sleep a night I was getting.

You'll get over it in a week or two. It is soul destroying. x

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TheOrigRights · 15/09/2022 12:39

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:16

God almighty the angst over breastfeeding. Angst angst angst.

Formula fed both of mine. Can’t tell the difference. No green skin, no webbed feet, nothing.

Oh bore off. You are completely missing the point. A point that I'm afraid you simply cannot empathise with if you have not expressed.

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Goldbar · 15/09/2022 12:42

I would bill him for your time. I would estimate how much time you've spent expressing and bill him at a decent hourly rate for that time. I would also bill him for the lost time that you had hoped to spend away from the baby with the baby being fed using your pumped milk. If he's not properly remorseful and he just doesn't 'get it', put a monetary figure on it for him.

I'd also ask him to do extra chores and babycare to give you additional time to pump.

It really fucks me off when people say that breastfeeding is 'free'. I had to express after every feed for the first 2 months of my DC's life and that (and sterilising bottles etc) reduced my window for sleep from around 3 hours after each feed to 1-2 hours.

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Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:42

It’s true though.

i mean if breastfeeding comes easily to you then that’s great. But if you’re all crying over how difficult it is to pump milk then why bother? Why? The benefits of breastfeeding over formula, in individual cases, particularly in the west, are so negligible. I’m watching my best friend tear herself into pieces over it and no. I don’t get it.

It just seems a complete and utter waste of energy to me.

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CoffeeBeansGalore · 15/09/2022 12:42

Mumoftwoinprimary · 15/09/2022 12:29

I think that you should pump more. But you need to fix it so that he feels every last drop of it.

”Sorry - you’ll need to make dinner and look after the baby - I need to go and pump”
”Sorry - you’ll have to do all nights with the baby for the next month - I have to get up in the night to pump”
”Right - let’s make a list as to what housework is needed to be done this weekend. Gosh - what a long list! I might be able to water the plants but I’m going to be pumping all weekend so I’m afraid the rest is all down to you. Still - 7 bottles down - only 20 to go before we replace all the ones you trashed! It’s exhausting pumping though so I will need like in’s both days in order to maximise production.”

This ^^^

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