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AIBU?

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1215 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
28%
You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
Marvellousmadness · 15/09/2022 12:03

"I invested so many hours in this and hated every second of it."

Then maybe... it was a blessing in disguise

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Regularsizedrudy · 15/09/2022 12:06

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 11:40

He was apologetic, he said he was sorry and so on. But he also said "sure you can pump again?" which drove me f* crazy.
Anyway even if i wanted to i would not be able to pump enough milk.

I invested so many hours in this and hated every second of it. It was all pointless. I could have used the time to sleep. I cannot stand the idea.

I know i will forgive him overtime but now i cannot stand looking at him.
A bit extreme maybe but it is how i feel.

I’m sorry but this would not be good enough for me. Does he not realise the work that went into building up the stash? I would want my husband to be really upset with himself and tbh I would want to be treated to make up for it. I’m talking monetary compensation!

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puddleduckle · 15/09/2022 12:06

oh lovely, I can imagine how you feel. I cried for hours and hours when I spilt my very last bottle of breast milk all over the kitchen floor. I had nothing left and was distraught. I was already struggling with the feeling of failure from being unable to breastfeed my NICU baby. Pumping is exhausting and my supply waned at 4 months.

milk baths are great for babies skin, so not completely wasted but I understand your frustration. Keep telling yourself that baby has had x amount of breast milk and the benefits that that it brings. hope you’re okay x

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Levellingdown · 15/09/2022 12:06

When I had loads frozen I used to worry all the time about a power cut. I get it.

It was a mistake though - and assuming he’s suitability sorry - you just have to work towards forgiving him as you would with any other major mistake. For your own mental health

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LuckySnips · 15/09/2022 12:08

I genuinely cannot stand 'but it was an accident!' as an excuse for not having to accept the consequences of what has happened.

Accidents and mistakes have consequences, that is why they are mistakes.
To reduce the risk of bad consequences, you take specific care to avoid mistakes.

I'd be pissed off too, although hopefully you can forgive him eventually.

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BatshitBanshee · 15/09/2022 12:09

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 11:40

He was apologetic, he said he was sorry and so on. But he also said "sure you can pump again?" which drove me f* crazy.
Anyway even if i wanted to i would not be able to pump enough milk.

I invested so many hours in this and hated every second of it. It was all pointless. I could have used the time to sleep. I cannot stand the idea.

I know i will forgive him overtime but now i cannot stand looking at him.
A bit extreme maybe but it is how i feel.

I'd be so livid I don't think I would be able to look at him either. I think I'd be strapping a breast pump to him and see how he finds it. It's fucking hours and hours of work and it's not fucking easy and it is fucking painful and it is not a walk in the fucking park.

I'm actually burning with rage for you OP.

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phishy · 15/09/2022 12:09

Marvellousmadness · 15/09/2022 12:03

"I invested so many hours in this and hated every second of it."

Then maybe... it was a blessing in disguise

Are you just going around making insensitive comments on every thread? I’ve just seen you on the thread about the poor OP posting about her husband’s burial plot.

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CaptainNelson · 15/09/2022 12:10

YANBU. Pumping is hell.
Having said that, my mother in law, according to her own legend, once had so much breast milk in the freezer that she gave it to the postman to drink (chilled, it was a hot day).
When she revealed what he'd drunk, he threw up.
Does you DH like milk?

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PolkaDotMankini · 15/09/2022 12:12

Your MIL is a nutter @CaptainNelson!

OP, I'd be furious too. It was bad enough when DS sicked up some milk after a feed, the ungrateful blighter!

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Parky04 · 15/09/2022 12:13

Well, if you can't forgive him, then you may as well LTB! I'm sure you're perfect though OP and have never made a mistake in your life!

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MyDucksInARow · 15/09/2022 12:14

I’d be sad at the loss of the milk. I exclusively pumped for 2 DC and was devastated to spill even an ounce. I couldn’t be mad at DH though for what wasn’t deliberate.

YANBU to be upset about the loss of the milk.
YABU to be mad at DH over a mistake if he has apologised.

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Y7drama · 15/09/2022 12:14

I’d have been so upset too OP. I found pumping so hard just to get a couple of ounces out. I can see why you’re furious with him.

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oakleaffy · 15/09/2022 12:14

That incredibly annoying.
Of all the things to leave out, it would have to be that.

I'd be really frustrated, but your baby will have had all the valuable colostrum and early bonding from when you began BF in the early months.

Personally, I'd not risk using it once it had thawed.

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Cantthinkofausername01 · 15/09/2022 12:15

Have you never made a mistake before OP?

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Discovereads · 15/09/2022 12:16

You definitely cannot refreeze the breastmilk after 18hrs at room temperature and then safely use it to feed anyone. Not even a cat.

I also exclusively breastfed and that meant a lot of pumping both at work and at home as I went back to work FT after 3 months maternity leave. It is exhausting, and uncomfortable and stressful. I would be absolutely devastated at losing my entire freezer stash due to a mistake. Luckily that did not happen to me.

So I would be upset, and angry at the situation, but I would not be taking that out on my DH by being mad at him and unable to forgive him unless he was completely unapologetic and dismissive. It was an honest mistake, and sleep deprived parents are more likely to be forgetful and make stupid mistakes like this. I don’t think we get to choose what we forget, so I don’t agree with the pp saying it’s a red flag and so on.

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Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:16

God almighty the angst over breastfeeding. Angst angst angst.

Formula fed both of mine. Can’t tell the difference. No green skin, no webbed feet, nothing.

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StoppinBy · 15/09/2022 12:17

We once had a batch of 5 roosters that we raised and then butchered.... like a total dickhead I took 3 out of the freezer for some reason or another and left them on the bench when we went out for a full day, being super hot, by the time we got home they were unuseable.

I can tell you hands down that I was very upset about it BUT being a Mum who could barely get 30ml every time I expressed, if my hubby did this the feelings about those roosters would pale so far in comparison so as to not be in the same universe.

I would be angry and upset and think it almost unforgiveable too OP but it was an accident and so it will be forgiveable in the long run for you.

I'm sorry you lost all that milk xx

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Glitterblue · 15/09/2022 12:17

I'd be so upset and frustrated - having had to express for 3 months for my premature daughter, I know how hard it is and how frustrating when you don't seem to be producing much. I wouldn't be mad at DH for a genuine mistake though, awful though it is.

When I was in hospital having DD, and the midwife was teaching me how to hand express into a syringe, she told me she'd just come from a mum who'd expressed into a syringe and somehow, she didn't even know how, when the midwife was putting the plunger bit just into the top to put the whole thing into a bag, she managed to plunge the whole thing right down and it squirted up and hit the ceiling 😳 The mum went absolutely MENTAL, screamed at her to get out. She said she just stood there, rooted to the spot when it happened, it was one of those times that was really funny but also wasn't, and she didn't quite know what to do!

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oakleaffy · 15/09/2022 12:19

Re pumps... I wonder if they vary as to efficiency?

The hospital had a superb one, mechanical, that they used for donating to the Milk Bank and that was brilliant as being fast and easy to use, but a small ''Hand pump'' {That the hospital also had} was hopeless in comparison.

Had I just used the hand one, I'd have thought my supply was poor, but using the Bank pump 'Daisy' showed that wasn't the case at all.

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Crunchymum · 15/09/2022 12:19

I pumped for 6 months (DC3 had an NG tube and didn't feed orally).

I had to set fucking alarms at night to pump as well as doing it in waking hours.

I'd have been fucking livid. Not so much at the initial accident of leaving the BM out but at the lack of remorse and understanding as to what goes into pumping. Your DH's blasé response shows at best a lack of understanding and at worst utter ignorance and disrespect.

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Openup · 15/09/2022 12:20

This happened to me when my dh didn’t close the freezer properly. I lost about 500oz of milk. I was so upset, but nothing compared to my dh who was devastated when he realised.
It’s now 17yrs later and forgiven many years ago.

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Discovereads · 15/09/2022 12:22

oakleaffy · 15/09/2022 12:19

Re pumps... I wonder if they vary as to efficiency?

The hospital had a superb one, mechanical, that they used for donating to the Milk Bank and that was brilliant as being fast and easy to use, but a small ''Hand pump'' {That the hospital also had} was hopeless in comparison.

Had I just used the hand one, I'd have thought my supply was poor, but using the Bank pump 'Daisy' showed that wasn't the case at all.

Pumps do vary widely. I did a ton of research and bought a hospital grade one for myself. I never could hand express or use a hand pump. I never leaked either…not a drop. But with a proper pump, I did manage to exclusively breast feed my DC for their first year of life. (At 6mos they started on solids, but all liquid was breastmilk).

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Yesthatismychildsigh · 15/09/2022 12:22

CaptainNelson · 15/09/2022 12:10

YANBU. Pumping is hell.
Having said that, my mother in law, according to her own legend, once had so much breast milk in the freezer that she gave it to the postman to drink (chilled, it was a hot day).
When she revealed what he'd drunk, he threw up.
Does you DH like milk?

What a foul thing to either do, or pretend to have done.

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MarianneVos · 15/09/2022 12:23

I cried when my DH poured away an expressed bottle and that was just from one pumping session so I totally get the justified anger and devastation.

The flippant response would totally enrage me. He's really not making an effort to get it at all.

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Midlifemusings · 15/09/2022 12:23

It is a small accidental mistake but with a big impact. Kind of like accidentally throwing out a wedding ring or a very sentimental item. It isn't replaceable and yet the incident itself is understandable (and happens frequently but without a high price). Intense emotions for awhile are fine - just don't take them out on him. Your emotions are about the loss and the impact.

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