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AIBU?

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1215 votes. Final results.

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You are NOT being unreasonable
72%
shinny · 16/09/2022 18:10

Totally understand your rage and the utter disappointment of losing all that liquid gold. I would have been gutted. Take time to process it and hope you feel better about it soon.

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Anonymouslyposting · 16/09/2022 18:24

I remember once, when DC was a couple of weeks old, my DH knocked over a bottle of breastmilk. He was nearly in tears telling me as he “knew how hard I worked for it”. That was probably an overreaction brought on by lack of sleep and worry that DC wasn’t feeding properly - but I’d want some pretty serious apologies if he wasted a whole box.

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pollymere · 16/09/2022 18:27

It has quite a short life even frozen. You have a right to be angry but I think you are also angry at yourself because you aren't pumping enough anymore. Any breastfeeding is fabulous. Keep up what you can and work to stop feeling angry at both your husband and yourself.

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AmberMcAmber · 16/09/2022 18:39

You can make soap with it - or if your lil one is eating solids you can use it to make things like pancakes etc
you can also use it in the bath directly - this is really good for skin conditions

im really sorry your DH is a pill and I hope he’s learned his lesson - I used to go nuts at mine when he’d forget to put my expressed bottles in the fridge between getting up from sofa and going to kitchen - I did warn him I’d consider divorce if he was careless enough to destroy our sons food /my hard effort & so far that’s worked

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Blueink · 16/09/2022 18:51

So careless and infuriating! I would be the same, struggling to let it go. Not much. Throw it away, sadly. Sorry all your efforts have gone to waste. Obviously it was a (very) stupid mistake (and consequence or losing your whole supply and impacting your child) but not deliberate.

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PurpleCatLady · 16/09/2022 19:00

TwoWeeksislong · 15/09/2022 14:00

I’ve never really understood how forgiveness is supposed to work to be honest. In a case like this, it’s an unfixable mistake. That milk is irreplaceable. And I would feel like the accident was partly due to a lack of respect on your DH’s part. Like, if he understood and respected how important this was to you, how much time and effort you were willing to put into it, he would have been more careful and the milk would not have been left out.
I could possibly move on. If I loved him and felt he loved me and that our lives together were worth enough to me that I could let the anger and hurt flow over me and be replaced by the next feeling and then the next, until the anger and disappointment are a memory and not how I feel all the time.
For the Formula Feeding advocates who don’t get it, because formula is just as good as breastmilk, imagine having a precious artwork you spent months creating as a expression of love to your child accidentally burnt to ashes. Then people say, don’t worry, IKEA sell pictures now, you can replace it. It doesn’t even matter if your child prefers the IKEA picture. It’s not the same thing to the person who painted the destroyed art.

Yes - exactly this!

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TeenyQueen · 16/09/2022 19:02

I would quite honestly be tempted to force him to wake up in the middle of the night for a few hours every night to do something useless. After a few months of this check how he likes it!
That might give you some perspective of how much time and effort you've put into it.

Can you carry on breastfeeding, try to offer more feeds to stabilise your supply? You could feed in the morning, straight after work, bed time and then at night?
I never pumped at all and carried on feeding until DD was 16 months old.

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Newbie20 · 16/09/2022 19:09

Hi @Iwantmymilkback I completely understand this feeling. You are allowed to be upset about all the time, effort etc that feels wasted to you. If you still have the milk you can turn it into soap, you can bath baby in it as its really good for their skin. This might have some other things you can do with it that aren't throwing it away www.google.com/amp/s/milkology.org/content/what-to-do-with-leftover-breast-milk%3fback=www.google.com/search%3fclient%253Dsafari%2526as_qdr%253Dall%2526as_occt%253Dany%2526safe%253Dactive%2526as_q%253DHey%2bSiri%2bcan%2byou%2bsearch%2bif%2bI%2bcan%2bput%2bmy%2bleftover%2bbreast%2bmilk%2bin%2bthe%2bfridge%2526channel%253Daplab%2526source%253Da-app1%2526hl%253Den&format=amp

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Annatinks · 16/09/2022 19:11

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 13:54

Yes i am doing it. But i pump maybe 0.5 oz total per session. Not enough for a full feed. A ridicolous amount honestly. While i had hundreds of oz in the freezer stash.

The breastfeeding network were great at supporting me with pumping too. I had video calls with them about how badly it was going (while pumping) and they could see my boobs and give advice about the position, falange and settings for me to try. It really helped me get the hang of it and they guided me on routines to increase the pump production. Only with this support was I able to make it until he turned 1. We were exclusive pump feeding from 4m old due to poor latch and flat nipples and it was hell! I also sobbed like my heart was broken both when I, and later my husband, dropped bottles of milk and spilt it. Eventually my pumping got so good that I could pump 3 times a day and it was sufficient in quantity for his 4 feeds a day but it was a hell of a slog. I was told that if I needed for my welfare to go part formula and part breastfed to go for it because by that age 250ml a day gave them a decent usable amount of the antibodies and benefits breast milk has.

I can honestly say feeding him exclusively for a year was the hardest thing I have ever or will ever achieve!

please be careful to remember that formula now is NOT FAILING! I found it very, very punishing keep bullying myself about when I should keep feeding until. The cost to your mental and physical health while working is not worth it. I did it then because I was possessed with hormones that made me crazy but now he’s 1, 3/4 years old I wonder why I did it to myself.

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Manicpixidreamgirl · 16/09/2022 19:33

It’s not an accident though. It’s carelessness. I found it horrifically difficult to breastfeed and to pump. If what I did managed to pump got spoiled because someone was careless enough to leave it out then I’d lose my bloody mind. People are seriously underestimating the hard work that goes into pumping

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Blueink · 16/09/2022 19:34

To add, I don’t know why some posters are questioning your first preference to BF/pump. Obviously the breast milk produced by the baby’s parent is what is ideal for them in most cases, versus artificial/commercially produced dried milk sold for (huge) profit.
Not everyone can breast feed for physical or psychological reasons and the pumping regime OP followed could be too much for some, depending what else they are dealing with, hence FF.
Obviously the companies that sell powdered milk would love it to replace ALL BF as it’s in their financial interests. Far more money spent promoting FF with bounty packs, commercials etc.

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Lcb123 · 16/09/2022 19:36

I’d be annoyed but it’s an accident. As long as he has said sorry, I don’t know how being angry with him will help.

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csigeek · 16/09/2022 19:41

Send some off to milk diamond and have DH pay for a lovely pendant or ring made with your milk 💐

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Yourcatisnotsorry · 16/09/2022 19:53

I am so upset on your behalf. I wouldn’t forgive him either.

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Amaksy · 16/09/2022 19:58

Oh no!!!! Sorry to hear but hope he’s sorry. This reminds me of when hubby’s colleague came round and unplugged the fridge/freezer full of food and BM to charge his mobile. I was annoyed to say the least but clocked just in time before any damage was done.

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PeachyPeachTrees · 16/09/2022 20:49

I'd be furious, all that hard work for nothing. I know he didn't mean to do it, but men just don't understand what us women go through. Flowers

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Whinegumz · 16/09/2022 21:07

Omg OP. My DH once told me to leave my milk on the side and he’d freeze it. I went down the next morning to pump and it was sat on the side. I was LIVID and that was only about 3oz! Yanbu… heartbreaking 😩

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Whatmeagain · 16/09/2022 22:27

I feel really sorry for the partners of all these perfect mumsnetters who clearly never make a mistake. Yes - it would be very annoying but unforgivable? You are going to have a difficult marriage if you don’t realise we all make mistakes- some even big ones - sometimes!

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phishy · 16/09/2022 23:10

@TwoWeeksislong

You have missed my point. Or you’re ignoring it. Sometimes telling someone to move on or get over it is counter productive. You have to acknowledge the anger first and then let the person process that feeling in their own time.

Well said. OP has already she will forgive him in time, but so many posters don’t even think OP deserves some time to feel the anger and to process it, she’s supposed to just shrug her shoulders and get over it instantly, like some handmaiden.

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WhoNeedsToSleepAnyway · 16/09/2022 23:16

I'd refreeze and get some breast milk jewellery made. In time it will (hopefully) remind you of the love and time you invested in breastfeeding and hopefully not the, understandable, rage you are currently feeling. I have a pandora bead and have also considered a ring. I have some in the freezer still from some time ago. 4 years ago!

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N1no · 17/09/2022 07:39

OMG I am so sorry! I can absolutely understand how you feel. This will probably take you years to get completely over. My partner has also spoiled some milk but by now way that sort of quantity.

I hope you can continue to pump. There are things that helped me to increase the pumped amounts: super malt and Galactogil. The first is easy to get in the UK, Germany, France and other countries and some sell a lower sugar version. You’d need a bottle every to every second day.
Galactogil is easy to get in France.

I never got enough pumping to feed exclusively on bb but I nearly always had enough to bb when I was with her. I also increased to 4 ounces per session.

good luck and make him wash the pump!

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brianna5 · 17/09/2022 07:47

this 👏🏽👏🏽

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ilovechocolate07 · 17/09/2022 08:17

I really feel for you! I wasn't good at expressing and my children just guzzled it in no time if I went out. I remember accidentally spilling an oz and crying. I'm angry for you but in a year or two... maybe three, you'll laugh about it.

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HoarHouse · 17/09/2022 09:53

I would be very pissed off. Give it to a cat.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 18/09/2022 11:49

HoarHouse · 17/09/2022 09:53

I would be very pissed off. Give it to a cat.

@HoarHouse

or maybe just put it in the bin?

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