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AIBU?

To not be able to forgive DH for wasting all the milk

276 replies

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 10:57

DH went to take some stuff out of the basement freezer, took out the box with the frozen breastmilk and did not put it back in.

I found out after too many hours, breastmilk is now back in the fridge but it was maybe 18hours at room temperature. I do not trust it is still good. It was "warm" at the touch.

It was all i had, ounces and ounces of it. So many middle of the night pump sessions, so many rounds of washing parts, so many hours spent to build the milk stack.

I am now back at work and do not produce enough during my pump sessions at work.

Long story short i started to give formula to DC.

I am so mad. So mad. I just cannot find a way to forgive him. And i know it is a small thing in the big picture but i am so so so mad.

Also what can i do with the milk now?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

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Loopyloopy · 15/09/2022 12:43

Oh OP, that's awful!

I know this probably doesn't help at all, but just in case, I personally felt a lot more comfortable topping up with formula one my kids got to 6 months. I figured they weren't exclusively breast fed any more as they were starting solids. A bit of formula didn't take away the benefits of the antibodies and things that they were still getting in the breast milk.

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DelphiniumBlue · 15/09/2022 12:43

I'd be furious. It's not just a mistake, it's really careless. I don't think I've ever accidentally left something out of the freezer , because I'd look around and check that everything has gone back in again. A box of milk isn't small, is it? It shows a lack of understanding and care that would seriously piss me off.

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SophiaLarsen · 15/09/2022 12:44

OP, YADNU. I really really feel for you! I used to feel so demoralised when my baby spat up her milk so losing a whole supply through carelessness is awful. No one can appreciate the devastating loss unless they have had to pump. It's such a commitment and the whole shebang with breast feeding and/or pumping is extremely emotional (and hormonal).
I was absolutely driven to breastfeed and felt passionate about it when I was doing it when before I had my baby I was not at all bothered and very much had an 'as long as they are fed' attitude. Then when I has established breastfeeding I was absolutely focussed on continuing and also providing for her when I was not available.

Looking back now I can see it was really single minded and focussed and with hindsight I can see it was emotionally and hormonally driven. I could have swung for my mum who binned my frozen milk in favour of formula when I needed her to look after DD one weekend. Now I still feel grr about it but I have got over it in regards to my feelings about her. DD is now 12 Grin

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LuckySnips · 15/09/2022 12:45

Cantthinkofausername01 · 15/09/2022 12:15

Have you never made a mistake before OP?

Why are you pretending not to know the answer to this? Say what you have to say without pathetic jibes.

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LaJoconde · 15/09/2022 12:46

You’ve done a great job for six months, and your baby is thriving!

I spilled a bottle of expressed milk once, took me hours to get even a few ounces, so know how heartbreaking it can be.
Its tempting to get really upset, and start blaming people for carelessness and everything, as it’s so emotionally charged...

and that’s why there is a saying, “There’s no use crying over spilt milk”.

really, congratulate yourself over keeping your baby alive and fed, and start thinking about how you mother your baby when weaning with food. Buy yourself something nice- tell your DH what you want and ask him to gift it to you.

My DH bought me a pair of earrings when my baby stopped breastfeeding, and it was so nice to mark that milestone.

Chin up, weaning is not the end of the world, just the beginning of something different.

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MoltenLasagne · 15/09/2022 12:46

OP I'm so sorry. I remember the night time pumping sessions which were to try to give me some breathing space for DH to give a bottle.

It is hours of your life you put into it and you trade the very limited sleep you have as well so for your DH to say "just pump more" is almost callous in its disregard for the cost to you. Especially as its so hard to rebuild supply once it falls.

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TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 12:47

Mumoftwoinprimary · 15/09/2022 12:29

I think that you should pump more. But you need to fix it so that he feels every last drop of it.

”Sorry - you’ll need to make dinner and look after the baby - I need to go and pump”
”Sorry - you’ll have to do all nights with the baby for the next month - I have to get up in the night to pump”
”Right - let’s make a list as to what housework is needed to be done this weekend. Gosh - what a long list! I might be able to water the plants but I’m going to be pumping all weekend so I’m afraid the rest is all down to you. Still - 7 bottles down - only 20 to go before we replace all the ones you trashed! It’s exhausting pumping though so I will need like in’s both days in order to maximise production.”

How sad to be in a relationship where you would behave like this. Punishing the husband for his mistake means you believe it was intentional, so what does that say about your opinion of him? Or alternatively it’s just that you’re nasty and vindictive and enjoy sticking the knife into someone (you’re supposed to love) who made a genuine mistake and feels bad. Either way, eeek. Not a good sign about your relationship.

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5YearsLeft · 15/09/2022 12:47

Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 11:40

He was apologetic, he said he was sorry and so on. But he also said "sure you can pump again?" which drove me f* crazy.
Anyway even if i wanted to i would not be able to pump enough milk.

I invested so many hours in this and hated every second of it. It was all pointless. I could have used the time to sleep. I cannot stand the idea.

I know i will forgive him overtime but now i cannot stand looking at him.
A bit extreme maybe but it is how i feel.

I think you know exactly why you can’t look at him. This comment probably made you feel like you might strangle him: “sure you can pump again?” Because it makes the entire thing feel to you like:

  • He doesn’t understand or care or paid attention to the hours that it took you.
  • If he did, maybe he wouldn’t have been careless and had this “accident.”
  • You know exactly how many hours it took, so you feel you would never have made this mistake.


You’re angry because on some level you feel that if you had something in your freezer that, let’s say, your husband had spent 200 hours making - some bizarre work of art or food or something - HE wouldn’t have thoughtlessly left it out. But he didn’t pay attention to your breast milk.

And it’s okay if that’s why you’re angry. Often when a DH ruins a beloved sweater in the wash or does some shite like this, and then says it was an accident, and a woman asks AIBU to be so mad, I say - well, has he ever ruined something he spent tons of hours on for himself? Has he ever ruined his own favorite sweater, or maybe hobby equipment might be a more fitting analogy in some households? If so, then he’s just careless, and maybe you SHOULD be less angry. If he never ruins his own things, but he didn’t pay any attention to yours, it’s okay to be angry for a while and let it all out, tell him WHY you’re angry, and if it’s a pattern, nip it in the bud before ten more years of accidentally ruined ___ (anything special that isn’t his), and then hopefully with the air cleared, you can both move on.
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Beseen22 · 15/09/2022 12:49

I exclusively pumped for a year with DS2. Just discussed this scenario with DH and we both agreed that I would be upset but not that angry. I was a careless child and was made to feel awful for everything that I did (undiagnosed ADHD and dyspraxia) and now I'm much more easier going about stuff that while upsetting relatively doesn't matter. I had to go back to work at 3 months and I did love that i could still provide milk even while feeling all the mum guilt so I understand that side of it. But I guess to me it was an accident, what response do you want from him to make it better?

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Iwantmymilkback · 15/09/2022 12:50

Thanks a lot everyone for the kind words and virtual support.

It is not only because of the milk. I mean, formula is perfectly fine. It is more the wasted time, the missed hours of sleep, the feeling of doing it for my baby...i need to process it.
I know i will eventually forgive him.

OP posts:
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LivingDeadGirlUK · 15/09/2022 12:54

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:42

It’s true though.

i mean if breastfeeding comes easily to you then that’s great. But if you’re all crying over how difficult it is to pump milk then why bother? Why? The benefits of breastfeeding over formula, in individual cases, particularly in the west, are so negligible. I’m watching my best friend tear herself into pieces over it and no. I don’t get it.

It just seems a complete and utter waste of energy to me.

Don't shit all over OP just to make yourself feel better about your choices. I think your posts on this thread are some of the most selfish posts I've ever read.

You don't care, we get it, the OP does care though and is here for support.

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TheHideAndSeekingHill · 15/09/2022 12:54

I would count up how many hours of your time that was, and show him. Ask him how he would feel if he spent X hours making something hugely personal for your child, including in the middle of the night after a long day, and you just smashed it up "by accident".

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WaltzingWaters · 15/09/2022 12:55

Oh gosh I’d be extremely upset too. It’s such an effort. I think the time spent washing and sterilising even more than the actual pumping. I’m so sorry.
I’m glad your DH was apologetic at least.

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LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 15/09/2022 12:58

I wouldn’t be able to forgive either. It’s the futility of all those nights spent pumping, wasted so carelessly. It’s not like he can replace it, is it? I’d also be annoyed that I’d been forced into using formula. If that isn’t what you wanted to do, you’ve the double whammy of the waste and then the decision on formula being taken out of your hands. I honestly don’t know what he could do to make it up to you.

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Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:59

LivingDeadGirlUK · 15/09/2022 12:54

Don't shit all over OP just to make yourself feel better about your choices. I think your posts on this thread are some of the most selfish posts I've ever read.

You don't care, we get it, the OP does care though and is here for support.

I’m quite comfortable with my choices. My girls are 8 and 5 now. They’re happy, healthy, clever and bright. I have no regrets about my choices.

I’m not trying to “shit all over” (urgh) anyone. It is awful when your hard work is wasted, everyone has experienced that at some point in their lives and it feels awful. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to perpetuate the lie that this is all necessary. Because it isn’t.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 15/09/2022 13:00

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:42

It’s true though.

i mean if breastfeeding comes easily to you then that’s great. But if you’re all crying over how difficult it is to pump milk then why bother? Why? The benefits of breastfeeding over formula, in individual cases, particularly in the west, are so negligible. I’m watching my best friend tear herself into pieces over it and no. I don’t get it.

It just seems a complete and utter waste of energy to me.

I agree

what so wrong with mums making life a bit easier for themselves?!

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Melonymelony · 15/09/2022 13:00

I’m sorry OP, I once cried over one spilt bottle at the waste of time and effort… pumping is so hard… Your DH should
acknowledge that and apologise. I know he won’t get it, but he should see how much of a big deal it is to you at least

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FeatherBlower · 15/09/2022 13:01

Milk bath, skin care etc.understand the frustration, pumping was so hard I only got a few oz after hours of pumping. I was devastated whenever it got wasted.

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Howardsbend · 15/09/2022 13:01

I think a piece of jewellery or a mini break as a gesture of true remorse.

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3WildOnes · 15/09/2022 13:01

phishy · 15/09/2022 11:18

Yet another cool mum

Of course you’re angry, OP, and anger and be healthy.

What is his reaction?

I don't think it is about being a 'cool mum'. I work be devastated if this happened to me but I would try not to be angry at my husband because it was clearly an accident.
If I accidentally spilt a glass of milk over my husbands computer and he lost a weeks worth of work I would be apologetic and understand his upset and frustration but i would expect him to accept my apology and not be furious with me. In my house we just don't stay angry at each other over mistakes. We have all made them in the past and we try to accept apologies without holding on to anger.

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TheNoodlesIncident · 15/09/2022 13:02

I have been in this situation too. DS started sleeping through the night quite early on (sorry...) and I'd wake him up to feed him. When I mentioned it to the HV she was Shock and said "Don't wake him if he's sleeping!" So I set my alarm for 2 am and got up then, pumped for an hour and went back to bed. We used to put the milk in ice cube trays so we had one ounce cubes frozen and it was easy to take a measured amount out. Only, one day DH took the bag of milk cubes out, took enough out for a bottle and forgot to put the bag back in the freezer.

At the time, we were both upset. DH was horrified and apologetic. I got over it because he is a fantastic person and genuinely would not have had a scrap of bad intention behind it. It was just an accident. I've done careless things myself so it would not be on for me to bear a grudge over it.

Having said that, OP sounds like she lost more (and thus more time) and struggled more to extract it, so I truly have bags of sympathy. It really is crap, and her DH's response is not great. I hope he finds a way to make it up to her.

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Mumoftwoinprimary · 15/09/2022 13:03

TiddleyWink · 15/09/2022 12:47

How sad to be in a relationship where you would behave like this. Punishing the husband for his mistake means you believe it was intentional, so what does that say about your opinion of him? Or alternatively it’s just that you’re nasty and vindictive and enjoy sticking the knife into someone (you’re supposed to love) who made a genuine mistake and feels bad. Either way, eeek. Not a good sign about your relationship.

It’s not about punishing him. It is about fact that something valuable has been destroyed and so it needs to be replaced and so the person who was careless and did the destroying needs to make the most effort to do so.

Unfortunately he has no breasts so he can’t provide the milk himself. So he has to do everything else in order to give the Op the needed time and energy to do the replacing.

Incidentally I’ve been married to dh for over 20 years so I think we will be ok. Sometimes I hash up and so I rectify it. Sometimes he hashes up and so I expect him to rectify it. If he needs my help to rectify his hash ups then generally I will help - but it still needs to be him that puts the effort in. I’m not his mum - I’m his wife.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 15/09/2022 13:04

Cara87 · 15/09/2022 12:59

I’m quite comfortable with my choices. My girls are 8 and 5 now. They’re happy, healthy, clever and bright. I have no regrets about my choices.

I’m not trying to “shit all over” (urgh) anyone. It is awful when your hard work is wasted, everyone has experienced that at some point in their lives and it feels awful. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to perpetuate the lie that this is all necessary. Because it isn’t.

@LivingDeadGirlUK

she’s right it isn’t necessary

if it causes so much stress and is so difficult what’s wrong with the perfectly acceptable option of formula?!

why make something harder for yourself then it needs to be?!

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KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 15/09/2022 13:04

I couldn't BF.

Reading some of the Batshit over reaction on here makes me glad kiddo got formula.

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Mariposista · 15/09/2022 13:05

Normal to he upset and irritated but being in a strop for days on end when he has apologized is not on. See it as a turning point to move to a more adaptable and less exhausting method of feeding.

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