To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

[Mamabearv]

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

No. Enjoy your hour.

No, you should do it more often and tell him it’s daddy-baby bonding time.
He’s 50% of the parenting that should be happening.

You need to nip his selfish behaviour in the bud. I went back to work full time as a nurse when my son was 6 weeks old as a single mum and never had a break ever, no relatives nearby.
Going to work doesn't mean he can't look after his child. This isn't 1950.

Your husband should be spending one to one time with his baby

having an hour just to yourself is good allows you to regroup

You are not being unreasonable at all, it's his child too. And you need a break.

He should be able to look after the baby on his own perfectly well.

Plan for a regular activity - gym class , yoga etc. He can look after his child and get some housework done whilst you’re out. DH and I took it in turns to go to the gym in the evenings when DC’s were tiny.

Not at all. In fact, make it a regular thing. It will be good for you, and good for both your husband and baby to allow them to build a bond.

So what’s the point of your husband exactly? Sounds like he’s just someone else to clean up after. Yanbu.

And while you are at it divide up the evening jobs as well, He is perfectly capable of putting his child to bed or cooking a meal. You have both been working all day.

Youre not “leaving your baby” Youre rightly expecting your partner to be a coparent to your baby. He should be doing at least an hour a day, every day in the week and at least half a day on the weekends solo time with the baby in order to establish a trust bond. I’m shocked you’ve gone four months doing everything by yourself! Don’t worry if the baby cries at first, they’re just not used to having a Dad yet. The more time he spends with her, the happier they will both be.

You should get equal amounts of downtime. Going to go out on a limb here, and guess that since you had the baby, he's had more than one hour when he wasn't working, wasn't doing housework, and wasn't looking after his baby.

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

Sorry but your husband is an arse. A high stress job is absolutely no excuse to leave you to do everything!!!

You deserve a break. You deserve time away from your child and home to unwind. Time with friends. To let your hair down.

Just because you’re a mum it doesn’t stop you from having a life. Yes your priorities will have changed and your routine but it as absolutely reasonable and normal to be away from the baby for a few hours.

Do you friends, family and support away from your husband

Do you friends, family and support away from your husband

Sorry that was ment to say: Do you have friends, family and support away from your husband??

By 4 months I found I could leave my bottle refusers for long enough to go to a fitness class which was healthy for body and mind.

It's also importance for dads to have time alone with their baby and get used to caring for them independently.

My partner has a high stress job. He was one of the most selfish people I knew before our seven week old son came along, and I’ve still had bags more alone time than you have managed. Doesn’t your DH want some alone time to bond with your baby and increase his confidence at parenting?

I think you should use this time to sort in your head what you want him to step up on, and go back ready to discuss it.

He is not doing anywhere near enough.

As a minimum, I'd go back and say

• as of 6pm Friday to noon Saturday, dh is on duty. He does anything and everything dd needs. You will have time for a bath, or to meet a friend, and have a lie in and get yourself rested before you join him at noon Saturday. If you bf, then say he can bring dd for feeds if needed.
• He will make sure twice a week he is home to do bathtime with dd (Friday counts as one) and you will leave them to it for a short walk or whatever.
• He can take the same lie in time on a Sunday morning or use it for his own hobby/ free time.
• Saturday and Sunday afternoons are family time and all tasks for the house, the baby and each other are shared

This is literally bare minimum. Most dad's do more in my friends/family.

He’d daddy and daddy have to suck it up and deal with being a family as well as mummy’s

I agree with doing it on a regular basis. When mine were babies, we each had a couple of hours on our own once a week. He went to the gym. I went for a walk or went swimming. It was perfect.

100% make time for yourself. I had weekly hour long baths when I had my DC. It wasn't even about the bath but about shutting the door!! I'm due dc3 next week and have stocked up on millions of bath bombs, a new book, a Bluetooth speaker etc. I'm not even going to ask DH. In the summer I would put headphones on and go for a walk for headspace as I found it so joyful not listening to cbeebies or walking at a snail pace to look at every leaf and twig along the way. Find time to do whatever gives your head clarity, and time to breathe. It's his baby too. In the long run he will probably also be glad of it himself as he will sure see a difference if you completely burn out!!!

Whaaaatt

No way RUBU

You're both working during his working hours. Once he gets home, the childcare and chores should be split - both evenings and weekends.

Why are you doing bedtime AND cooking and cleaning?

When your husband is home from work, you should split the load. That means one of you makes dinner, cleans the surfaces and runs the hoover around if necessary and the other one does bath and bed.

Unless your husband is willing to share the load, I'd stop cooking for him tbh.

I have had both a high stress job and a 4 month old and I can absolutely promise you that he has the easier deal.
An hour isn't enough, you need an evening off sometimes.

Why can't he do bathtime like many fathers do? Mine loved it - proper bonding time with their children. My son and sons-in-law the same

I have a high stress and long hours job OP. I’m still capable of looking after my baby. There are basic things like whoever doesn’t do bath and bed time tidies round the house and gets dinner ready. He needs to give you breaks in a way that works for you both (eg I do all nights so I get lie ins because that works for us).

looking after a baby is a lot more exhausting than working full time. He needs to experience it to know it. Make him step up now or you are setting yourself up for a life of misery.