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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

239 replies

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:50

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tiswa · 15/09/2022 06:39

JenniferBarkley · 15/09/2022 02:39

Well if your job is so easy, then it will be easy for him to take some of it on, won't it.

I agree - his argument doesn’t stand. Either it is easy and therefore he can do it or it’s really tough and you need a break

and childcare and household chores are separate . You are currently on maternity leave looking after your DD, that doesn’t mean all the chores should fall to yiu

a chat is needed OP no job is so demanding or stressful you can check out of everything else

hellcatspangle · 15/09/2022 06:57

Of course not. My DH used to take ours for a walk in the pram as soon as he got home from work for that very purpose! Even in winter I'd have them all wrapped up ready (and he would have his dinner ready when he got back so it was a win win)

Moancup · 15/09/2022 07:34

I’d seriously consider shared parental leave OP. I was adamant my DP was taking some, partly because I think solo care of a baby helps the other parent appreciate how relentless the days are.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/09/2022 08:01

What was he like round the house before you had a baby?

mummaforever · 15/09/2022 08:42

My sons father needs to read this thread

BeanieTeen · 15/09/2022 08:53

@SophieSellerman you do realise that many people actually find their jobs enjoyable and fulfilling? And most SAHM don’t have children as a ‘get out of work’ card. How sad you and your husband have only experienced jobs you hate.

sidewayswalking · 15/09/2022 08:53

YABU to think an hour to yourself will solve your problem. You are essentially a single parent. What does he bring to the table?

cupofdecaf · 15/09/2022 09:00

He's a parent. It's hard and relentless.
You both work except you're working 24/7 and that's not fair. If he thinks it's so easy leave them to it for some longer stretches or suggest shared parental leave.
We've got 2 DC, we both work full time. Before having children I thought my job was hard and stressful. Now going to work is the closest thing I get to a rest. Wouldn't change it for anything though.

Orangello · 15/09/2022 09:02

OP, read your own message. He doesn't want to do bedtime. He does not want to help. He wants to relax. It's all about his wants, he gets to pick and choose, but you have to do it. It's a joint child and household, not your personal hobby. Tell him that you also now want to relax and you do not want to bathe the baby this evening. If he protests, ask him to explain slowly why he gets to choose and decide but not you.

pastatriangles · 15/09/2022 09:10

A better question would be 'Is H being unreasonable by refusing to spend a single hour with his baby'

LannieDuck · 15/09/2022 14:08

Moancup · 15/09/2022 07:34

I’d seriously consider shared parental leave OP. I was adamant my DP was taking some, partly because I think solo care of a baby helps the other parent appreciate how relentless the days are.

This

JenniferBarkley · 15/09/2022 14:18

Moancup · 15/09/2022 07:34

I’d seriously consider shared parental leave OP. I was adamant my DP was taking some, partly because I think solo care of a baby helps the other parent appreciate how relentless the days are.

A great point. DH took a month when I went back to work both times. It worked brilliantly in terms of it being easier for me to settle back in at work, and rebalancing the parenting at home.

SillySausage81 · 15/09/2022 15:45

If looking after a baby is so easy, he won't mind doing it for a couple of hours every evening, plus a few at weekends too while you have a break.

And if it's such hard work that he can't possibly be expected to do it after a hard day's work, then why should you be expected to do it 24/7 with no break?

See how this works?

You should be aiming to both have about the same amount of rest time per day and per week.

JournalistEmily · 15/09/2022 18:06

I too am a first time mum to a four month old so congrats (and I know how bloody hard it can be!) Firstly you are not BU AT ALL! After I had a baby I was staggered by the sexism that still exists around parenting gender roles. All classes I went to were full of mums, all meet ups and everyone I know who had a baby at the same time has seen their husband or male partner go back to work. It also seems to be assumed that the woman will put her career on hold while the man is the breadwinner. I am technically more more successful than my husband (longer in the same career) but even he seems to assume it’ll be me giving up work to care for the baby he was so desperate for. What I’m trying to say is this isn’t fair on you and it is all too often assumed by men who in everything else seem to be pro feminist, pro women etc etc. I think I would sit him down and say that when he gets home it’s his turn to take the lion’s share of the baby care. And don’t step in to help - he needs to find his feet. Basically these situations only spring up because we women allow them. Stand your ground.

Passthegin99 · 15/09/2022 18:08

Hi stress job my arse. I bet he's been doing that job - or a version of it - for years. He's totally used to doing it. It is NOWHERE NEAR as hard as looking after a baby when you've never had one before. My son is 4 and even now a stressful day at work is easier than a day at home being Mum. It's an age old con. Don't fall for it.

Candlesoftime · 15/09/2022 18:08

Wow you sound like Supermum. Not unreasonable at all. Take a deserved break and enjoy. Make it a regular thing xx

jumperfromasda · 15/09/2022 18:10

I haven't had a chance to read all of the PPs so someone else might have said this:
Take an hour for yourself now and then and don't feel guilty. As for DH, I think the best thing is for him to have the baby all day sometime soon.....he'll realise how demanding that is and understand your perspective better for it. My DP had this revelation when DS was a few months old and it improved things greatly. Up until that point my "job" was to look after the baby and house as I wasn't at "work", but of course my job was 24 hours a day 7 days a week whilst DP got time off!

Madamum18 · 15/09/2022 18:15

I do all the bed times as he doesn’t want to!

Well bully for him! This sentence sums up the problem ...he is being selfish and is not behaving like a caring husband and father. He needs to grow up!

onehundredmillionyears · 15/09/2022 18:15

He has a high stress job?

Well, so do you

Cooking and cleaning should be shared

Bed time too

Tell him you're going out for a few hours on Saturday. Alone

BakedBeeeeans · 15/09/2022 18:16

YANBU. When you get back tell him you'll be having an hour to yourself each day to keep yourself sane.

Insanelysilver · 15/09/2022 18:23

It’s not fair that you’re being left with the baby 24/7 with no break. It’s not good and not good for your mental health.
My husband used to have a very high powered stressful job with long hours but insisted on getting up once during the night for the baby and gave me a break by taking over for bedtime in the evening when he was home in time and over the weekends.

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 15/09/2022 18:24

You sound like a wonderful mummy and you haven’t done anything wrong. I swear mothers are gifted with guilt as soon as the baby arrives. Your husband should be sharing the cooking, cleaning and bath time with you. You also have a full time job and are the reason he can go back to work full time! Do not feel guilty - he should. 💓

icallitaday · 15/09/2022 18:25

Op being at work is easier then being a mum, you get a break at work IMO although I wouldn't change it, you DO need that break and time out for you!!!!

slipperhopper · 15/09/2022 18:25

Your post reminds me so much of my feelings after my first child. I’m sad that the attitudes of some husbands haven’t moved on from 35 years ago.
Take some vital time out from the exhausting business of looking after a newborn, and don’t feel guilty. You will be a better mother, and hopefully, your husband a better father as a result.

MamaBearof4 · 15/09/2022 18:25

Parenting a young baby while being the sole cleaner/cook/housekeeper is also a stressful job. Yes, he gets paid for his work, which keeps you able to stay at home with your baby, but it's by no means unreasonable for you to have a little time out for yourself - in fact, it's a very sensible thing to do. Baby is your husband's responsibility too, and it really should not a big deal for him to look after his child. Try not to let him guilt trip you into not enjoying a little well deserved time out, he needs to step up to his responsibility towards regularly making time to spend with his baby, and thus allowing you a little freedom to be able to relax and recharge.

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