To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

[Mamabearv]

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

Honestly some men are such bloody babies. I’ve just gone back to my high pressure job from mat leave, straight into board meetings etc despite waking up every 2 hours in the night to bf my baby. It’s not fun but it’s completely expected of working mums to do their day job then seamlessly transition into their mum job. And quite often doing both things concurrently! So yes of course he can manage an hour bathing/playing with the baby so you can stare at a wall in silence (which is what I chose to do when DH came home from work and took the baby) or whatever the heck you want!

You need at least a few hours each week not just a one off. Sit your husband down explain to him in detail why your role as mother is stressful. Then start negotiations about what child free time you are going to have each week. It could be a Sunday afternoon or half an hour each evening...whatever works for both of you.

These sort of talks need to happen regularly because the babies needs will change.

My husband had our babies solo from day 1 on both occasions. Why shouldn't he? He's just as much their parent as I am!

He doesn't work around the clock with no breaks - why should you?

Go and don’t look back!! Babies are exhausting in a very unique way. It’s fine to have some time when nobody is needing you to do anything.
it’s also very good for her dad to properly spend time with her and get to know her and find his own ways of dealing with her!

If he gave a minute of his time to engage with your baby he would know that you too have a high stress job! You need breaks and you need to share the chores. Looking after a baby is full on full time day and night.

Bloody hell.

He doesn't deserve to be a father!

The time your DH is out of the home working is also the exact same time that you are working. When he gets home you both clock off for the day and jointly parent your baby. Including through the night!

He wants to relax and unwind when he comes home from work? Doesnt everyone! But just doesnt happen when you have a small baby

He needs to understand that:
Looking after a young baby is hard work
If he disagrees and thinks it's easy well then he can take the baby and have a rest
You both work hard and need the same time off to yourself to do hobbies / chill / see friends

No you are definitely not be unreasonable but I would suggest that you need to communicate YOUR needs to your husband.

you also have the right and need to wind down after a long day with baby on your own.

Nope, enjoy your peace. Doesn't matter what his job is, both myself and my partner have high stress jobs, but when I had DD2 he would come home from a 10-12 hour shift AND still help with everything, including the night feeds.

I always left my DH with my babies every Saturday without fail. I was a SAHM for three years and loved it but relished leaving the house at 8 every Saturday morning and going into the nearest city for a day of wandering around the shops, sitting in the park with a sandwich or hanging out in the library. You don’t need to spend money to have a break so it’s doable to have a day out.
Good luck but take my advice and set a precedent, and let him flounder and learn on the job like Mums have to do. I don’t for one second get the whole concept that kids need their mums more.
I went out once for an evening wander around the supermarket (how glamorous!) when we stayed with my MIL. She greeted me at the door in hysterics that the baby was being put to bed by her son, where had I been!!! She was told in no uncertain terms that as an adult and the father he was more than capable of putting the poor unfortunate child to bed.

OP, the fair way is when he's home you do 50/50 housework and parenting. That's it.

Nothing is like the relentlessness of caring for a baby - even when they are sleeping you are on call, there is no true rest.

For various unavoidable reasons I didn’t get any time away from my second baby until he was 6 months old, when I got to go to the supermarket on my own and I can’t tell you how delirious with excitement I was. Absolutely giddy dancing down the aisles of Tesco.

YANBU at all, you DH needs to step up.

Exactly this. Time to do something for you will be good for you mentally as well, catch up with some friends, do a gym class or anything you enjoy.

It's good for baby and dad to bond and good for dad to get used to taking care of your child as they grow.

Good for you, @Mamabearv

Most "hands on" dad's pick up the baby slack when home so do bath and/or bed, most see this as their bonding time with their child. His job doesn't trump yours.

No offence to your husband OP but highly stressful job usually means an office job with a normal commute. He’s lazy, looking after a baby is a full time job, you deserve a break at the weekends. I’m sure he’s cope- make a plan and bugger off for a few hours at the weekend.

Enjoy your hour and make sure it’s a regular thing otherwise you’ll be less and less likely to get any time to yourself. When you have very little children going to work is sometimes a break so he gets his break from childcare then. And his commute is time to himself as well, I loved my hour each day commute, that was my time to myself as a single mother.

I used to do this op - many times I have sat in the car on the drive with a flask and a book.

You have to leave the house or you get sucked into the childcare

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

Sounds like my exH op. Absolutely unacceptable of him. Enjoy your hour and make it a regular occurrence.

We are in the teenager years. My DH also had a high pressure, could potentially go to prison if he made a mistake, doing exams as well as working full time job

1. he did bedtimes- it’s a nice bonding tjme
2. he did Friday and Saturday nights. And the occasional week night when I was exhausted
3. On Saturday he took the baby into town, they had a walk and went to a cafe together

all this increased his confidence. I got a rest and some sleep.
Your DH needs to do more. You need to leave him to it or be will never figure it out.
Good luck