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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

239 replies

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:50

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:

Bordesleyhills · 14/09/2022 21:28

Being a SAHM has its advantages - I have an ill father so I can help with him, a 3 year old who now does two whole days at nursery and rental business. I do all husbands self employed stuff too. You definitely need some time- my husband is off on Saturday to a steam fair taking our son as I’m 34 weeks pregnant. I can’t wait- I used to get an hour on my horse but of course no longer riding . Enjoy your hour but join something- book club, exercise class and go. You need some time out too. Personally I will look for a little teaching job just to provide me with some money- I’m fed up with having none and I would like the occasional thing.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/09/2022 21:29

@SophieSellerman

when you say you didn’t do anything else besides look after your kids, do you really mean that?

You never went for your hair doing or for a drink with your mates or to an exercise class or a hobby or anything??

if that’s the case I really feel sorry for you

Howardsbend · 14/09/2022 21:35

SophieSellerman

Your experience would have most of us committed to the nearest psychiatric unit. Many people enjoy work and don't enjoy wall to wall children. Stay at home mums may not be like you and going to work isn't such an awful thing that you can be a lazy git at home.

Tooshytoshine · 14/09/2022 21:38

You also have a high stress job.

He needs to up his dadding game. Parenting isn't a voluntary hobby.

Notsoglamanymore · 14/09/2022 21:41

No, you’re not being unreasonable at all, his job is to go and spend however many hours doing whatever he does at work. Your “job” for the time being is to bring up your baby while he’s at work.
when he gets home from work you both need to be splitting the parenting and household duties 50/50, is really the only fair way. Otherwise you are never off duty and at some point you’ll reach burn out. He should be able to work with you to come up with a plan so that both of you can get time to yourselves to relax and unwind. You are literally keeping a human alive all day, his job is no more stressful than yours.

And while we’re at it he needs to be doing his share of house stuff too, it’s his house, his washing, his laundry, his ironing, his mouth eating the food…. The list goes on, he doesn’t get to be a passenger.

pinok · 14/09/2022 21:43

What’s with all these men on mn who have a baby but aren’t willing to do any parenting. Depressing

Floomobal · 14/09/2022 21:43

Well it’s tough shit for him that his “down time” when he gets home from work (at least half the week) is making dinner.

Also tough shit that his “down time” on the weekend will need to include some housework.

We have a 5 month old and I do the majority of the parenting. That’s how it works out when one of you breastfeeds and one of you is back at work. But he needs to be doing a lot more, for you and with the baby

Leopardpj · 14/09/2022 21:44

This. You sound like you're in a relationship from the 50's. As soon as he gets home the evening job load (cooking, cleaning, putting baby to bed) should be split 50/50 - same for weekends - do this now or it'll become a huge issue in your marriage, I guarantee you.
Same goes for "oh I get up in the night because he needs his sleep because he is working" - er no. You need your sleep too because you are working and if you are exhausted your child is less safe. End of

N0tfinished · 14/09/2022 21:50

Be careful OP - your DH is on track for weaponized incompetence. If he has a high stress job then he's surely able to cope with an infant for an hour.

Verbena87 · 14/09/2022 21:51

Over my pelvic floor was up to it I was running 3 times a week including a 2 hour run at weekends. Definitely schedule in regular alone time where you can’t be disturbed.

JenniferBarkley · 14/09/2022 21:53

YANBU OP. Sounds like you need to have a chat with your DH. Your life has changed in every respect - he doesn't get to continue on as he was. Make sure in particular that he understands what's expected of him when you finish maternity leave. Drop offs, pick ups, sick days (half of them), housework, laundry, food shopping, the works.

SillySausage81 · 14/09/2022 21:58

Is this a joke? Of course it's not unreasonable. In fact, you should make it a regular thing and do something where you can't be disturbed, eg. have a bath or leave the house completely.

Cm078 · 14/09/2022 22:17

I've forgotten what it was like at that age but even now, DS is 2.5 and as soon as DP is through the door i go up for a bath, then I come down relaxed and he goes up for half hour. I do have to ask him at times to do certain chores but he will. We both work, we both parent. Admittedly I am the more present parent but we still do our share.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He should WANT to give you a break. I really do feel for women like yourself that get taken for granted. Put your foot down and enjoy some you time!

Acreativeusername · 14/09/2022 22:38

Congratulations on recognising that no one can do a full time job without anytime off! My biggest regret, never standing up for needing some time to be without a small
child in tow! And the resentment that created in marrige. I too adore mine …. But I think I would have adored some time away too!! Hope you can negotiate what you deserve! Xx

ehb102 · 14/09/2022 22:39

Best thing I ever did was go back to personal training and leave my husband to cope. He worked it out. I had to put on my Teflon coat when he had a bad two hours with the baby (baby cried because after weeing on the change mat he didn't notice or maybe bother that the babygrow was damp. I came home to him with a face on, but I shrugged it off. He lived and is a better father for it ).
Leave you husband alone to parent in his own way, and he will manage. So long as no one is hurt, everything else can be made okay.

Tuilpmouse · 14/09/2022 22:43

@SophieSellerman

I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school.

I love my children dearly but this sounds like you're straight out of the handmaid's tale!

SophieIsHereToday · 14/09/2022 23:04

I do a "high stress job" by most people's measures. Looking after a 4 month old is harder and more draining. I suspect he is struggling to empathize with that.

WorryMcGee · 14/09/2022 23:04

My husband has been very ill and also has a stressful job. We have a 5 month old baby. I have had nights out, I go running in the evenings because he cooks dinner every night, and now it’s my turn to be ill because the universe hates us so I have hospital appointments to go to and can’t take the baby with me - not once has he uttered a word about parenting his child on his own. An hour to yourself is the bare minimum, I love my daughter but I’d have gone insane without some space. He needs to step up and parent equally.

IhateHermioneGranger · 14/09/2022 23:08

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

This isn't healthy.

a1poshpaws · 14/09/2022 23:13

I haven't read the whole thread (it's late, it's been one of those days ..) but has anyone else pointed out to you, that your husband is not the only one now who has an important and high stress job?

Looking after my baby is one of the highest stress jobs I've ever had. And in past times, I've been a Social Worker and a Lecturer of teens on a day at college from school who had zero interest in listening to me try to teach them .. you don't get a lot more stressful than that unless you're working in an NHS A&E, so that's saying something.

Tell the big selfish baby that he needs to grow up and start doing his share of parenting the tiny, vulnerable baby while you get YOUR time off.

Icedlatteplease · 14/09/2022 23:21

Just to clarify you are leaving your DC with its father or some other responsible adult, you are not just up and leaving the child on its own?!

Smineusername · 14/09/2022 23:48

I'm on baby no 2 now, and this time round I try to get out alone for at least an hour every day to take exercise and it has made an absolute world of difference to my mental health. DH who I struggled a lot with first time round has simply adjusted and picked up the slack, no bother. Has helped his relationship with both kids and, dare I say, made him appreciate the work I do a bit more. Make it a part of your routine, you will all benefit

Original poster

Mamabearv · 15/09/2022 01:14

Thanks for the replies everyone- confirmed what I thought and that I’m doing too much. I’m going to take some regular time to myself and have a proper chat with him tomorrow.

I do all the bed times as he doesn’t want to. He loves our daughter but he’s not pulling his weight, it’s like he’s doing us a favour sometimes when he does help and it’s not good enough and I’m fed up with it. Even when he does help I have to help him do it like run the bath when he does bath time or make the bottle so he can feed her, I don’t get help to do any of those things so why does he?!

He doesn’t cook or clean either and doesn’t seem to understand (or want to) that there’s no break looking after a small baby. He thinks I have the easy job but it doesn’t feel like it when I have a baby on top of cooking and cleaning everything.

he has a physical stressful job in the public sector which is why he wants to unwind and doesn’t want to help me straight away when he gets home. When I have tried to say can you help after I’ve had a hard afternoon when he gets in he has got funny with me as if he can’t believe I’m asking him when he just got home. So when he gets home he relaxes and I’m still running around looking after everyone.

OP posts:

JenniferBarkley · 15/09/2022 02:39

Well if your job is so easy, then it will be easy for him to take some of it on, won't it.

bakewellbride · 15/09/2022 05:55

What's his job op? Dh is a paramedic and does loads with our 2 as soon as he's home (unless he needs to shower first). A stressful Job is no excuse.

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