To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

[Mamabearv]

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

Your husband needs to step up.

I work full time in a senior stressful role. I'm also a sole parent. So when I finish work, of course I don't get a chance to unwind - instead I'm straight into bath/bed routine. Then tidy up house and cook my own dinner. Or often no time for my dinner, since I'm straight back once the kids are in bed for more meetings.
Tell him he can unwind once all the jobs are done for the day.

When you go out for the hour, why can't he mind the baby and also start dinner/put on a wash etc.

@Poppingmad123

you wouldn’t leave the baby for even a moment for safety reasons

what do you mean?!

I raised mine on my own - no down time, no me time, not a single break ever. I thought i would explode some times! Not having a conversation on an adult level sends you bonkers! Take that hour, enjoy every second of it and tell him he'll be doing the odd hour of parenting seeing as you too work all day in a stressful environment. Sometimes us mums just need an hour to regroup, settle our tempers, destress and reset otherwise we will blow at something random.

I find it sad you feel the need to ask this question. Why would you be being unreasonable?! Everyone needs a break

No you are not being unreasonable. Your baby is not hours old and even then it's ok to leave them for an hour with another parent if really needed, and in your situation it sounds like you really need it. Even if you are exclusively breastfeeding at 4 months a child can last an hour between feeds 😊
I left my youngest at 3 weeks for an hour with my husband when I had a dental appointment that I could not move. I know it's different but you have no reason to feel guilty, your husband is a parent as much as you are and even though baby may need you more right now his parental responsibilities are not on hold until the child reaches a certain age .
enjoy your hour, maybe make it a regular thing.

YABU to feel guilty. He is her father.

You need to start delegating stuff to him if he won't actively take it on.

OP, my DH was a bit like yours and ran his own business and never really switched off - always sending emails and whatever. If there's any advice I can give you, it's that some men are better with babies when they're out of the house. Mine used to go out at 6am on weekends with the baby in the buggy and just walk about and let me at least have an hour first thing and then he'd bring me back a latte! Honestly, even an hour being out of ear-shot is helpful.

Where he was not so great was just being in the house with the baby because, whereas I could just sit in the floor and do the whole to face time la la la and just sing and waffle on, this didn't really come naturally to him. Some men seem to need a "task," otherwise they're at a loss how to fill time with babies. I think this is quite common actually.

The first time I physically went out left DH with DS actually in the house was when DS was about 7 months old. I only went opposite as a friend asked me over for a drink. I'd only been there 5 mins and DH is knocking to say DS had rolled off the bed and he wasn't sure but he might have fallen on his head!

This is what I mean. Some men aren't with it.

With our second DS, he was once with him for ten mins in the living room (so I thought) while U was with a friend and other kids in the back garden. The next thing, a neighbour is knocking - "Is this your baby?" Can you imagine?! DH had taken a delivery of a computer or something and just left the front door open and DS who was aged 1 and only walking for about 3 days, had toddled off down the pavement of a London street and walked three houses down. DH was, "oh, I didn't realise he was that quick..,"

So you may have to build up to leaning your DH for stints in the house - but he can definitely go for walks. Or drives - this is another good one. DH used to drive in circles around Richmond Park. Good luck OP!

You need some rest so that you can do your caring job safely.

HE has a high stress job.....YOU have a high stress job !!! Self care is so important....you will be a better mum and wife for it...if he can't see that it's so sad....perhaps have a day break or overnight and he might understand more !!!

I can relate to you and had the same experience. My husband would just come home from his stressful job and unwind with wine and tv while waiting for his dinner. I used a babysitter for many years to help with the children’s dinner and bathtime. It was better than doing it all by myself. If your husband will not help, he should at least pay for help so you can have some time for yourself. And he should definitely be able to take care of the baby during the weekend, i.e. take him for a long walk while you go to the gym or do something for yourself. Best wishes

BeanieTeen I would definitely not leave baby for even a moment Op for safety reasons. I know a lot of people are saying your husband should do more but if he’s in a stressful job and doing long hours, he probably hasn’t got much more to give in the week

Eh what? Dear Me! I mean good heavens a stressful job and cant give anymorte. Isnt he lucky to apparently have a choice!!🙄.

An active father? In what way? He sounds like am absent father who happens to be there physically.

Lots of the non full time carers just don't get it. They need to be shown.

After 11 weeks of no sleep, I started a new regime! I would feed around the time here was due home. Wait 15 minutes after feed, then I would hand over the baby and leave the house for an and a half hour. That hour and a half included bath/too and tailing then bed time.

Its a jolt of reality. When he expressed how unfair it was that I "accosted" him almost as soon as he walked through the door and how tiring it was to have to look after her after a full dya at work - I pointed out how ridiculous he sounded given that I did this 22.5 hours, 5 days a week and was expected to also find the time to do all domestic chores, cook, shop etc.

At 7 months (after returning to work full time) the issue changed with the expectation being that I worked full time, continued to do everything (he'd ring me at work to ask what we would be handing for dinner!). I ivlunteered at work to go to some meetings abroad. I hated wvey minute I was away as I really missed my baby (and I was drill breast feeding), but that 4 day trip had the desired effect. From then on, we shared everything.

They just don't realise, sometimes and need a good dose of reality.

You need to set the expectations NOW before it's too late. Let him have his sukjs or whatever. And if he won't engage to talk about it properly, then so be it. Just give him the baby and go out for a drive, to a friend, for a coffee - just remove yourself.

Good luck

I would argue that looking after a baby with no breaks during the day could also be considered a high stress job. If it’s not, he should have no issues with just an hour of it.

@poppingmad123
Have you seen behaviours in your husband that scare you?