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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

239 replies

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:50

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
mowglika · 15/09/2022 20:37

No, make it a regular thing. He will adjust. My DH was like this with our first but he’s a fab dad now - he just needed a wake up call as to the new normal.

LaDamaDeElche · 15/09/2022 20:41

I don't get this. Single people with high stress jobs have to cook their own food, clean their own house, do their own food shop, do their own admin etc. What is it that changes for some men, usually after kids, and sometimes after marriage without kids, that they are too tired to do all these things that others in the same position have no choice but to do? Does he honestly think he can work and then all his downtime is his to chill? If so, he shouldn't have got married and had kids.

What happens at the weekend? Seriously, don't have any more kids which this man and go back to work asap as this isn't how a family dynamic should be, unless you transport back to the 1950's.

Blueink · 15/09/2022 20:43

He's being an idiot and needs to step up and take over some of the evening care and household duties. You have nothing to feel guilty about, it's really important you get more support from him and time to yourself to relax or you will get worn out. You are both tired in evening, so is every new parent. I don't know why he wouldn't want to have more involvement in bath time, bedtime etc, since he has been away from the baby all day.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/09/2022 20:43

lemonyanus · 15/09/2022 18:41

You have to force them into looking after their children if they're reluctant at the start. They'll never grow accustomed to it otherwise. It's quite shocking that some men can be such twats that they have to be pushed into looking after their own children for AN HOUR but sometimes that's the way it is.

Why do this happen do we think?

when like you say some men are so desperate for a child, sometimes way more than their wife (or partner/gf)

wentworthinmate · 15/09/2022 20:47

Was he there when the child was conceived? If so, he pulls his weight regardless of his job.

Poppingmad123 · 15/09/2022 20:49

I would definitely not leave baby for even a moment Op for safety reasons.

I know a lot of people are saying your husband should do more but if he’s in a stressful job and doing long hours, he probably hasn’t got much more to give in the week.

However, scheduling in some daddy time on the weekend, where he takes your child swimming or something he can do himself is a great idea.

I would also look into local nurseries and see if your baby can do a couple of mornings or afternoons during the week to give you a break. It’s no fun for you or your child when you’re constantly exhausted. If you can afford that, I would do that and it means your baby is safe as well. Good luck op, don’t feel guilty for needing some time to yourself xx

Rmw12 · 15/09/2022 20:52

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. If he thinks you have the easy job then it should be easy for him to do it for an hour! I’ve had this argument with my husband many times. They don’t seem to understand that doing the childcare non-stop is tiring. A change is as good as a rest as they say and even if his job is stressful, going out to work, doing something different to constant childcare and chores should have him feeling like he’s happy and excited to do some of the childcare and spend time with his child when he gets home. Sorry you’re having this problem and please don’t feel guilty at all about taking some time to yourself.

Mollymoostoo · 15/09/2022 21:01

Your DH has a stressful job and wants to unwind when he gets home. You are raising a baby which is your F/T stressful job and you also want to unwind. Someone needs to look after baby whilst you de-stress so either DH does this or you get in help so you can have a break.
YANBU. I did what you are doing and ended up with post partum psychosis. Don't do it, take a break and enjoy it. Baby won't know and will feel more secure with a happy mummy.

WTAFhappened123 · 15/09/2022 21:22

Your husband is a selfish A hole

Waxwing23 · 15/09/2022 21:45

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

"Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent".

I went back to work full-time (insanely high pressured job) when my baby was 4 months old. No support from her deadbeat dad, so in effect her ONLY parent. Yet apparently not even 50% of one. Wow.

Jack80 · 15/09/2022 21:51

You deserve a break, more than an hour a day so enjoy your hour

1000N · 15/09/2022 22:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Teenagehorrorbag · 15/09/2022 23:42

Haven't RTFT but am going against the usual MN views here.

I think YAB completely reasonable in wanting some time to yourself when he's home, and you need to discuss that. And he totally needs to take responsibility as a Dad for his daughter, when appropriate.

But I'm not so comfortable with this view that partners who work long or stressful hours when their OHs are home, should necessarily be doing half of everything when they're back from work. Looking after a baby - especially if you only have the one - isn't usually a full time job, at least until they're mobile! I know some are colicky or clingy or whatever, but usually they sleep lots so you can get the housework etc done, and also spend time relaxing (reading or watching TV) when they are awake.

I know DCs are all different, and if you have several young ones it must be a really full time job - but one or two is not usually comparable to a stressful or manual long hours job. And if partners are working, they need sleep in order to function at work - whereas SAHPs can exist in a more zombie-like state for the first few weeks without the same risks!

Before I get shot down in flames - I do accept that tricky babies, PND and other issues may totally affect things, but the general MN view that having a baby is always a full time job seems slightly over-generalising to me. My DH does a manual job and is physically in need of more rest than I was when looking after twins. I had a great time when they were babies - gardening in the lovely summer weather and visiting friends/strolling around with them in their buggy. I suppose it was busy but I had no trouble doing the housework and cooking etc in between baby stuff, and lots of 'me' time as well. Trust me - I'm no superwoman but the first year or so was really pretty chilled. I'm sure I was lucky that they were good sleepers, but still feel the need to put across a slightly different viewpoint.

Shauny098 · 16/09/2022 00:36

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:50

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

Hun if you don’t nip this in the bud right now you’re in for a long time of misery, and with every subsequent child it will get worse! Get booked on to an evening class once a week and tell hun he’s putting the baby to bed, end of.

Autumn61 · 16/09/2022 00:56

You have a highly stressful job too and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. An afternoon into evening night out with your friends would maybe show him just how much you do ( a weekend away would be even better) Until men can piss a melon through their urethral meatus then spend months of broken sleep, they know fuck all !

Kennykenkencat · 16/09/2022 01:03

Looking after a baby - especially if you only have the one - isn't usually a full time job, at least until they're mobile! I know some are colicky or clingy or whatever, but usually they sleep lots so you can get the housework etc done, and also spend time relaxing (reading or watching TV) when they are awake

🤣🤣🤣

I also heard babies sleep a lot

I also heard that they can’t walk till 10 months old
Think they have to be older still to be able to jump off windowsills and climb the curtains

Unfortunately no one told Dd and Ds.

Ineke · 16/09/2022 02:59

Having a high stress job would probably benefit from baby down time. It’s his child too, so YANBU to want some time to yourself. Make it a regular thing, perhaps going out an evening a week for a class or with friends.

Blueink · 16/09/2022 05:01

Who are these mythical Mumsnet 4 month old babies (even twins!) who sleep (almost) all the time while you merrily read books, watch TV, clean and cook?
Meanwhile, jobs so gruelling you can’t put the baby to bed without risking a terrible accident, or even fetch yourself a glass of water. Amazing they can make it home at all, let alone every night, then find energy to stay awake dishing out their instructions.
Never left OH in charge of their own child for an hour, or indeed anyone else, until they turned 4 and went to school. As gratitude for not being in one of these jobs.
Ridiculousness.

BeanieTeen · 16/09/2022 07:09

I would definitely not leave baby for even a moment Op for safety reasons.

I know a lot of people are saying your husband should do more but if he’s in a stressful job and doing long hours, he probably hasn’t got much more to give in the week.

Right… I mean my DH can be working up to 8 weeks at a time abroad, meanwhile I’m also managing to do my stressful job and look after the kids once I bring them home from their childminder despite being absolutely knackered. Should’ve got an evening and night nanny for ‘safety’ reasons 😂
Poor men and their ‘high stress’ jobs where they can’t look after a baby for a mere hour when they get home. Presumably they do manage the commute though and if they were living alone could fix themselves a meal - despite not having ‘much more to give’. And they manage to wash and brush their teeth before going to bed?
Fuck me… sounds like a lot of MN DHs are taking their spouses for a jolly ride here, feigning deadly exhaustion when they get home. Reminds me of ‘man flu’. Wilful incompetence is all this is, catch on.

MrsSteveHarrington1 · 16/09/2022 07:09

Some of the this could have written myself! My baby is just over 9 months old and I hardly get any time to myself. He doesn’t sleep that great, and most of the time he sleeps on me during the day. He absolutely will not nap in his cot during the day, so whoever said that SAHM’s have loads of free time because the babies sleep loads need to remember that no, not all babies sleep loads and a lot of them do but won’t go in their cots!! I have to push my baby around the house in the pushchair sometimes for his naps if I want to even think about doing stuff like washing, cooking etc. My husband works from home, he’s always very busy and stressed. He usually takes the baby for a walk in the morning so I can go back to bed.. this is about three times a week. Sometimes due to late wake ups I only get time to shower and then a half hour nap. At the weekends I have to pretty much beg to have some time to myself, I don’t always get it. And I never get a lie in. Husband goes out doing his own fitness related hobbies.

lcl · 16/09/2022 07:27

I have been there and definitely did that !
My husband works very high stress corporate job and I did everything with both our children. He vacated to the spare room both times for 6-8 weeks to get enough sleep. I was on maternity leave so it made sense. Definitely ensure you ask for whatever you need. It worked for us but if you are needing a break make sure you get it. The baby is his responsibility too.

TooHotToTangoToo · 16/09/2022 07:31

He's not helping you! He's being a responsible parent and adult. If he doesn't want (Confused) to be with his dc, then he can do the housework and cooking

NeoXY · 16/09/2022 07:33

@Mamabearv I can see you already have a plan of action but you might find this post interesting. In our case I work and my DH looks after our DD and definitely he doesn’t have any guilt issues… So you don’t need to either 😉www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4621111-work-full-time-and-do-all-of-the-childcare-during-the-weekends

DWMoosmum · 16/09/2022 07:37

You are not being unreasonable. And who the hell are the 2% that say you are?

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 16/09/2022 07:42

Everyone has a very different experience with their babies so those saying ‘my baby slept a lot, I got all the housework and laundry done and still had time to solve world hunger so you shouldn’t be asking for an hour to your self because your husband has a stressful job’ That’s great for you but for the OP who is saying she does need a break, life feels different so why compare your lovely unicorns, sunshine and rainbows experience other than in an attempt to make the OP feel shit or brag about your own wonderful time with your babies?

@Poppingmad123 so a father with ‘nothing left to give’ due to a stressful job is a safety risk, but an exhausted mother who is desperate for an hour to themselves isn’t? I remember being so tired in the early days I honestly couldn’t see straight and could fall asleep standing up!