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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

239 replies

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:50

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
ItsAlwaysThere · 14/09/2022 19:49

Good. Do this more often and he'll have to get used to it. It isn't fair to expect you to do everything, also he's missing out on valuable bonding time.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/09/2022 19:50

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

Good for you. Hope you don't get a nasty crick in your neck, looking down from your high horse!

How bloody sanctimonious.

Giraffe888 · 14/09/2022 19:50

My second child is 8 months and I’ve not had time away other than nipping to the shops for 15 mins or when I get in the shower. It’s mentally and physically draining. I’m desperate for a break but my DH would never agree

stormelf · 14/09/2022 19:51

No you are not unreasonable at all. I'm a sahm to three children under the age of five. My oldest has started reception this week but only in two hours a day so most of the time I have all three children by myself. My husband works extremely long shifts and often works up to nine or ten days without a day off. It is very hard as I do all the wake ups, all day and then evening routine and bedtime with all three the majority of the time. However when my husband is off work he takes over with the kids as he wants time with them. Friday is his first day off in eight days, I know he is going to need a rest as he's exhausted this week so I'm going to let him have a lie in and then I'm going out for a few hours by myself. I haven't had a break from the children in a over a month. It will do both me and my husband good I think.

coldcaff · 14/09/2022 19:52

Doesn't matter what his job is, he's a Dad now and should be quite capable of taking care of his child. There are mothers with highly stressful jobs who still have to take care of their children when they're not at work!

cobblerwobbler · 14/09/2022 19:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mariposista · 14/09/2022 19:53

Gosh no, YANBU. As much as you love your baby you need a break from him! And husband needs to get used to helping out - once your maternity leave is over it will be a shock to him otherwise.

bakewellbride · 14/09/2022 19:56

Do it op! I have a baby and a four year old and the other week I said it was getting too much and asked dh (also high pressured job) to take them both to the park for an hour. I slept for that hour! Zero guilt and would do it again. You deserve it Flowers

cptartapp · 14/09/2022 19:59

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

If it's such a privilege we can assume her DH would happily swap roles then yes? Who on earth would rather work? Well he would obviously. He can't even give her an hour. Or is it just a privilege for the mother?
Let's be honest he can't be arsed. It doesn't bode well.
YADNBU op, and remind him he'll be managing sole care 24/7 half of every week if you split over this. That should put the wind up him.

CanofCant · 14/09/2022 19:59

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

She's not a SAHM, she's on maternity leave! She gave birth four months ago and is shattered looking after a newborn while her husband fart arses about.

OP, YANBU. On what way is he an active parent? He's only adding more work for you. I can't believe he comes home from work, watches you continue cleaning, cooking and taking care of the baby, asks you to fetch him things and still complains he is more tired than you.

RancidRuby · 14/09/2022 20:08

When my youngest was a newborn my husband had started a new job which was long hours and highly pressured. Regardless of that I still threw the baby and our toddler at him as soon as he walked through the door and took myself off upstairs for some me time. YANBU, hand the baby to him and enjoy some time to yourself.

Hollowtree3 · 14/09/2022 20:21

Take time for yourself. Otherwise you will end up in a deep dark hole. Don't feel at all guilty. You are an adult that needs adult time, and free time to do non-child things that keep you sane.

If he seemed amused that you wanted to go away for an hour, seriously book a couple of days away at your parents/with friends and leave him to experience all day childcare. Even say to him to book a couple of days off work to do it, and see how he feels after compared to 'work'

SisterBeaverhausen · 14/09/2022 20:23

I've just got back from a week in Portugal baby and husband free. It was bliss. Don't feel bad for you time. You're a Mum 24/7 you need time to be you and unwind.

SavingsThreads · 14/09/2022 20:24

He sounds like a shit partner and father. Reset this now or you'll be parenting alone for 18tn

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 20:25

YADNBU op, and remind him he'll be managing sole care 24/7 half of every week if you split over this. That should put the wind up him

In what universe would any mother want to hand her child over to a crap father for half of every week? This is always wheeled out on MN, and it's stupid every time. If a woman wants to be with her DC full time (and is able to be with them), then why would she punish herself by losing them for half of every week?

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 20:26

CandyLeBonBon · 14/09/2022 19:50

Good for you. Hope you don't get a nasty crick in your neck, looking down from your high horse!

How bloody sanctimonious.

Show quote history

Not sanctimonious. Just the truth, based on my own experience.

Orangello · 14/09/2022 20:28

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

so children who have 2 working parents are what, basically orphans, because neither can do 50%? Or does that only apply to the male parent?

Hobbitfeet32 · 14/09/2022 20:32

@SophieSellerman my poor children must be orphaned then as both parents work. Oh but wait a minute, that’s how we pay for stuff like food, a house, clothes etc.

Teenprobs · 14/09/2022 20:34

I didn't even read the age of your child. Before saying this in my head. She could be 1 day or 18. If you need an hour to yourself for a bath, adult chat, or just get out of the house you do it. Assuming there is someone capable able to care for them x

Hobbitfeet32 · 14/09/2022 20:37

@Mamabearv time to yourself is essential. What is your husbands job?

Moancup · 14/09/2022 20:38

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

Many people would need a mind and body of jelly to find this approach tolerable.

The OP is talking about an hour to herself. I’m sure some fathers have had longer shits.

HeythereDelilah101 · 14/09/2022 20:39

What a prick. Nope you are not unreasonable

Lcb123 · 14/09/2022 20:41

You are not ‘leaving the baby’. He’s as much a parent as you. You need to have a serious discussions about division of childcare and household tasks.

Vikinga · 14/09/2022 20:43

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

50/50 when they're home. Surely that is logical???

Daisymae55 · 14/09/2022 20:45

Nip this in the bud now! My husband was just the same for the first 3 months of baby until I did something very similar! We ended up sitting down and split our time up more fairly and honestly having the time for a hobby for a couple of hours or a bit of extra sleep has been an absolute life saver for my well being and our marriage! I think you need to have a similar chat and make sure he pulls his weight a bit more so you can have a bit of you time! Every mum needs it.