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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my baby for an hour as I need a break

239 replies

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:50

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 14/09/2022 20:47

Not sanctimonious. Just the truth, based on my own experience.

Oh I think you know you sounded like a pious, sanctimonious martyr.

And the 'truth' is an objective fact, observable by all. What you stated, was your opinion, based on your experience.

Suprima · 14/09/2022 20:50

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

How bloody sad

My DH bestowed the ‘immense privilege’ of me not being able to work and is currently bathing our daughter and doing bedtime whilst I sit with a glass of wine.

He has her regularly when he is not working and encourages me to go to fitness classes, out with friends and to book solo things to look forward to.

because he values what I do, and knows that what I do requires a break at times and adult company for a healthy body, and healthy mind- so I can be a much better mother and happier person. He certainly doesn’t expect me to be a grateful surrendered little wife and do it all. How low must your self esteem be to think that’s ok?

give your head a fucking wobble- begrudging the woman a hour to herself because you are so grateful to be the domestic skivvy

a privilege indeed

TheMagicDeckchair · 14/09/2022 20:52

Definitely not unreasonable. When my eldest was tiny, DH would take her out for a walk every evening after work in the sling. I used the time to rest/clean/admin/have a bath or whatever.

I did most of the nights as she BF, but he’d take over if I was having an awful time and needed some sleep.

He worked full time from home and I was on mat leave. Mat leave is damned hard work. Going back to work was a break! Raising babies and toddlers 24/7 is relentless, and harder than a stressful job.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/09/2022 20:52

An HOUR? You deserve a week gal!

Ponderingwindow · 14/09/2022 20:57

You should be getting equal amounts of down time.

when you tally up your downtime, the reality is that there will probably a tendency for yours to be chopped up in little snippets inside the house. It’s partly the nature of infancy and breastfeeding, partly that you are at home right now, and partly some sexism. You don’t have to fight that completely, just acknowledge that it is happening. As you negotiate this going forward, you both need to remember that 20 minutes or even an hour with the baby nearby is not the same as being in a separate place from the baby. As long as you are and baby are both at home you will be listening for the babies needs and won’t be able to fully shut off. The option for him to tag you in too easily will also remain. To get real mental rest, you need to be able to know that he is 100% in charge of the baby during that rest.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2022 20:59

Has your husband actually said that he needs to unwind after grueling days at his high stress job?

If yes, then that's his little way of telling you how important he is, just so you don't get notions that growing an entire human being and delivering her into the world is anything special.

Take an hour every single day from now on, and several at weekends.

holidaynightmare · 14/09/2022 21:00

@Mamabearv

Why don't you book that baby I to a nursery a day a week that's what I would do if your finding it that bad??

I personally loved that baby time it'll fly by but it is tiring

mathanxiety · 14/09/2022 21:02

Don't negotiate time for yourself.

Don't ask for time for yourself.

Claim your time. Brook no opposition.

Raise your eyebrows as high as they can go if he objects, and tell him he can't possibly be serious.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 14/09/2022 21:03

I have a high stress job, and I still parent my 3 toddlers. I can’t imagine a mother totally checking out of parenthood the way some dads seem to think they can… and I wouldn’t want to!

I thought you meant leaving your baby ALONE when I read your title. Leaving WITH THE FATHER? You are only being unreasonable insofar as one hour is not nearly long enough.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2022 21:04

@Giraffe888

He's not the boss of you.

Tell him, don't ask.

Orangello · 14/09/2022 21:04

it's not only about your break but also his time to bond with his baby. If he works entire day and then comes home and relaxes while you do bedtime, plus you don't get any time to yourself over the weekends either - when does he see his daughter?

jannier · 14/09/2022 21:06

Mamabearv · 14/09/2022 17:50

Im a first time mum to a four month old, and I love my baby and being with her. Since my husband went back to work after paternity I’ve been with her constantly. He works a high stress job and wants to unwind when he gets home or she is already asleep by the time he gets in.

He is an active father when he can but I honestly don’t get much of a break. I rarely have time to myself, I don’t have time for activities on my own anymore and I’m getting fed up with my husband telling me how tired he is when I barely get half an hour to myself anymore.

when he does get home I do bedtime and also all the cooking and cleaning. When I do get a few minutes to myself he ends up calling for me to help with something.

today I’ve had enough so I just told him I was going out for an hour for a break. He asked me if I was taking our child and he seemed amused when I said no. I’m sitting outside and now just feel guilty. I get he has a high stress job but he doesn’t really get that I’m rarely alone at all anymore. AIBU?

Daddy's break is a change from work to helping with baby he could bond by bathing etc while you cook.....my son gets up does am feeds for his twins and 4 year old while mummy gets stuff done for day then heads to work for 7am returns at 4.30 and takes over care or cooks....mum sometimes pops to shop or nails or work. At weekends he does Saturday while mummy works and he can be on call overnight and weekends so sometimes will be looking after his 18 month twins and 4 year old with only 3 hours sleep. Tell daddy to step up parenting is 24/7 for both of you except for an hour or two break

G5000 · 14/09/2022 21:07

Giraffe888 · 14/09/2022 19:50

My second child is 8 months and I’ve not had time away other than nipping to the shops for 15 mins or when I get in the shower. It’s mentally and physically draining. I’m desperate for a break but my DH would never agree

a father refuses to spend time with his own children for more than 15 minutes? Not a very 'D' husband,

ParentallyUnprepared · 14/09/2022 21:08

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

Oh god, your life is my idea of hell.

How utterly, utterly boring to have literally nothing else going on in your life than being a mum.

I hope things have improved for you now.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/09/2022 21:10

holidaynightmare · 14/09/2022 21:00

@Mamabearv

Why don't you book that baby I to a nursery a day a week that's what I would do if your finding it that bad??

I personally loved that baby time it'll fly by but it is tiring

So the op should pay someone else to look after her child because her husband's penis is getting in the way of his good judgement and fair thinking capabilities? 🤔

I'm guessing that if her husband won't step up, he'd also begrudge spending money on nursery/childminder - not to mention babies take time to settle in and very few nurseries/childminders take babies for an hour or two a week.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/09/2022 21:10

No. You need a break. It’s a job, everyone needs breaks.

It’s good for you and it’s good for the baby to spend time with her father,

Talk to him about how you’re feeling, and what you need from him. Work it out together. He needs to step up a bit.

Hugasauras · 14/09/2022 21:11

I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school

I think this is really unhealthy actually Sad Overnight fair enough, but a single hour? You never met friends or did anything just for yourself for more than five years? I find that really sad and hard to understand. I hope you've found more of a balance to life now Smile

CandyLeBonBon · 14/09/2022 21:13

Hugasauras · 14/09/2022 21:11

I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school

I think this is really unhealthy actually Sad Overnight fair enough, but a single hour? You never met friends or did anything just for yourself for more than five years? I find that really sad and hard to understand. I hope you've found more of a balance to life now Smile

Agreed

SpotlessMind88 · 14/09/2022 21:14

What you're doing is called self-care. You need time alone to do whatever it is that you want. Even if that's sitting outside. It's what's best for your mental health and ultimately will make you a better mum.
your DH needs to bond with your baby too and an hour in a day is not hard. Please don't feel guilty

madasawethen · 14/09/2022 21:16

He doesn't think being on the clock 247 is stressful????

TokidokiBarbie · 14/09/2022 21:19

Regularsizedrudy · 14/09/2022 17:57

So what’s the point of your husband exactly? Sounds like he’s just someone else to clean up after. Yanbu.

The high earning job?

Londonderry34 · 14/09/2022 21:20

Does a high stress job pay well? Buy in some help,

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/09/2022 21:22

SophieSellerman · 14/09/2022 19:47

I'm afraid I'm one of the tiny minority who said YABU, OP.

In my book, and in my experience, being a SAHM is an immense privilege. Who wants to work when they have a fascinating little person at home? I was quite happy to suck up not doing anything else, so long as I didn't have to work. I didn't have an hour away from the DC, never mind a night, until the youngest started school. IMO, my husband had the worse deal, as he just had to work, whereas I got the delight and love and fun bits as well as the rubbish bits.

Anyone who is working full time can't be a 50:50 parent, and it's nonsensical to expect them to be.

This is nothing to be proud of.

It did your kids out of an early relationship with their dad, and having meaningful relationships with more than one adult. It did your partner out of being an active dad.

No one is suggesting couples with one at home and one in the office are going to be 50/50, but downtime should be split for the benefit of everyone in the family, and for society.

Sparklythings1 · 14/09/2022 21:22

They just don’t get it at all! The snide comments about him working used to really annoy me when I was on maternity leave 😑 he just didn’t understand what it was like at all

momtoboys · 14/09/2022 21:27

You are NOT being unreasonable. You also need way more than an hour every once in a while and don't ever feel guilty about it.