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Original poster

Argument situation with husband

259 replies

IHateArguments · 12/09/2022 18:41

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 12/09/2022 18:51

I’m sorry but this is a LTB situation.

OP this is emotional abuse.

Original poster
IHateArguments · 12/09/2022 19:00

I think perhaps he is stressed and mentally unwell. But then he needs to address this, or it won't get better. I said that (admittedly in the context of the argument) and it didn't go well! Now he's kind of pretending the argument didn't happen, so he won't be up for discussing anything.

I will freely admit that I'm annoying as hell in arguments because I just go quiet or say I don't want to continue the discussion while he's so angry. But I don't think it's okay to say things in anger and then it's alright 20 minutes later because you "didn't mean it."

OP posts:
NovemberRain2 · 12/09/2022 19:00

Agree it is very much a LTB situation. What did your friend say?

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2022 19:02

It is a LTB situation. He makes you feel frightened over trivia stuff. And he is trying to limit you ability to advance in your career.

That is text book LTB.

What do you get out of this relationship? And what has happened to you to make you believe you deserve to be shouted at because of something completely outside your control.

Fuck that. Seriously. You have a job, which is good. Do you have somewhere to go?

FatCatSkinnyRat · 12/09/2022 19:03

This is DEFINITELY a LTB situation.

My DH works in a stressful job. Very stressful. But if he ever shouted and swore in my face I would be showing him the door. No excuses or qualification.

Think about your kids. Is this the example you want them to grow up seeing?

Hotandbothereds · 12/09/2022 19:04

This is awful! He shouldn’t be shouting for an hour about a simple change of plans that needs sorting out - the fact you were worried about telling him says it all, that’s not right at all ☹️

Loics · 12/09/2022 19:07

My ex was mentally and verbally abusive - like you, I fell over myself trying to excuse his behaviour and see how I could be to blame. Long story short, you're not to blame, there's no reason for him to take his anger out on you and he is 100% abusive.

DashboardConfessional · 12/09/2022 19:08

If you wouldn't take this (shouting, swearing and scaring you) from a friend, you shouldn't take it from your husband.

Do be aware that some men "change" like this when they are having an affair as they justify to themselves that you aren't "getting on". See the OW discovery thread!

FlissyPaps · 12/09/2022 19:08

Stop making excuses for him and stop blaming yourself.

He may be stressed or mentally unwell, but that is no excuse for his behaviour and treatment of you. No excuse at all.

If he isn’t willing to accept his behaviour and do something about it then you need to leave him. This will only escalate and get worse. It will escalate to threats. Then physical.

You need a happy and safe environment for you and your children. Your children will pick up on his behaviour, and that is not fair on them.

Please get out OP. Before it’s too late. Speak to a trusted friend or family member. If you can’t, contact WomensAid. They will support you and give some advice.

Keyansier · 12/09/2022 19:10

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that!

Yes it is.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 12/09/2022 19:11

Would YOU shout and swear in someone’s face for an hour? Over ANYTHING, let alone over something relatively trivial?

If you wouldn’t, then why is it ok for him to do that to you?

Don’t minimize his emotional abuse, because that’s what it is. My DH and I have had our share of snappy arguments over the years, because who doesn’t, but I have never, ever been afraid of him or of his reaction to what I’m about to say. That’s no way to live. You need to realize your worth as a human and get yourself (and your DC) out of this situation.

Merryoldgoat · 12/09/2022 19:12

t's not a LTB situation, or anything like that!

Why not exactly? He’s abusive. He’s a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
IHateArguments · 12/09/2022 19:14

Maybe I made it sound worse than it is. But I'm not sure. I don't think it's okay. I don't think he should feel that it's acceptable to shout and swear at me.

He just seems angry, all the time, lately, and about such trivial things. It's just so wearing, but I do feel like it is my fault because I have let it get too normalised.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 12/09/2022 19:16

Nobody has the right to shout at you. For 1 minutes or 1 hour. As soon as someone, anyone, raises their voice to me I tell them "do not shout at me. I understand you are angry and we can talk shout that and i will listen to you but do not shout at me" and if they continue I walk away. I refuse to engage as long as they shout. If that results in sulking (because most people who want to use you as an outlet for their emotions will sulk when you take away that opportunity) I don't give in, just calmly go about my life. Life is 100000x less stressful when you don't allow this. Even the stress of silent treatment goes away after a couple of times.

INeverSawAPurpleCow · 12/09/2022 19:16

Everyone gets angry, but to shout at you for an hour? A lot of people would be crying after that. Then to shout at you because he's upset you? What a wanker. I'm firmly in camp LTB.

Heronwatcher · 12/09/2022 19:17

Yep emotional abuse. Could he be having an affair- trying to get you to leave him or giving himself excuses to leave? Either way if you’ve got kids time to start making a plan to get out if this doesn’t improve. You did nothing wrong. He’s abusive.

pompomseverywhere · 12/09/2022 19:17

If it's ok for him to behave like this, why don't you start telling some friends and family in real life and see what they say.

Or even just to prove everyone wrong here, why not ring womens aid and see what they say just to put your mind at rest.

girlmom21 · 12/09/2022 19:18

You're scared to talk to him. It's a LTB situation.

tobedtoMN · 12/09/2022 19:19

So you're at fault for not now pretending it didn't happen? Is everything your fault? I bet it is. He is a monumental shit.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 12/09/2022 19:19

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that!
it literally is. This is the boiled frog dilemma. Speaking from experience. I was trying to make things work and an amicable split right until the night I was forced to leave because the shouting and screaming turned into throwing things around the room which turned into violence and even after I left I STILL blamed myself.

You’re too far in it to see how unreasonable you’re being by staying in this situation. You don’t get to walk away from shit like this and just forget it. The longer you’re in it, the more years of bad memories you’ll spend the rest of your life reliving. And your kids will too. Were you raised by abusive parents? Is that why you think this is ok?

BatshitBanshee · 12/09/2022 19:26

This is the most LTB situation I've seen for a long while. I say this kindly, but you're even now trying to backtrack on your OP because you're trying to diminish his behaviour so he doesn't come off that badly. He's emotionally abusing you. I'm afraid OP, it does sound that bad because it is that bad.

ParentallyUnprepared · 12/09/2022 19:27

You're scared of him yet you don't think it's serious enough to leave him?

SeaToSki · 12/09/2022 19:28

If historically he has been a kind and caring husband, and this behaviour is new…

Can you ask him to sit down and have a chat with you when you are both calm and the dc wont need you. So not ‘in the moment’ iyswim

Use I statements. I am beginning to be afraid of you. I am avoiding telling you things.

Then get curious, ask questions..why is he feeling this way, what is he actually angry about (because it sure as heck isnt a child care issue) why is he shouting at you now when he didnt used to.

I would suggest you write some things down so that if he does start shouting you have something to look at that might help you say something instead of freezing up or running away (both classic symptoms of fear). Try

That isnt what we are trying to discuss right now
That isnt the issue
This anger is what I am talking about
You are scaring me

and the kicker if he cant acknowledge the change

I would like you to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and decide if you like the man you are turning into. I know that I dont.

I hope you can both find a solution because it doesnt sound as if it is livable with at all.

(if he is open to seeking help, I would suggest a visit to the GP and maybe a therapist. I would also have a snoop and see if he could be having an affair / lost loads of money gambling / been fired and it is his guilt that has him lashing out)

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2022 19:28

IHateArguments · 12/09/2022 19:14

Maybe I made it sound worse than it is. But I'm not sure. I don't think it's okay. I don't think he should feel that it's acceptable to shout and swear at me.

He just seems angry, all the time, lately, and about such trivial things. It's just so wearing, but I do feel like it is my fault because I have let it get too normalised.

You’re not making it sound worse than it is. You’re trying to minimise because he has done a number on you.

We are all telling you this behaviour is beyond the pale. What are you going to do about it?

CactusBlossom · 12/09/2022 19:36

I would say this is a clear LTB situation. You avoided telling him because you knew how he would react - how is that OK? It shows you know he has unreasonable behaviour most of the time.

"Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper."

He got angry because you had a cry with a friend over his behaviour and he got angry? Later he said he was sorry (yeah, right...) but it was your fault. Read that again... he said he was sorry but it was your fault. No, no, no. You are walking on eggshells and he is a bully. I'm afraid that is typical of narcissistic behaviour. Your loyalty to him is misplaced. You deserve better. Here, I've made a graphic for you.

Argument situation with husband