Argument situation with husband

[IHateArguments]

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

Think back to when you met him. Would you have entered a relationship if you thought he was going to treat you like this?

These abusers hide their true selves and then when they get their partner stuck, they show their true colours.

As to your statement "they should be with both their parents." Yes, ideally. But you've been on eggshells for a long time with this man. He thinks it's acceptable to shout at you for over an hour, and then to blame you. Read your posts back, this is not a healthy relationship by any stretch. Your children should not be with a man like this.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother. Way too many screaming matches. To this day I am terrified of angry men. Keep your children away from this awful man and look after yourself. You haven't failed. My mother stayed, she failed to protect her innocent kids.

I take propranolol for anxiety and it helps me with chest pain, tightness and palpitations. When I have a lot of bowel movements due to feeling anxious and nervous I will take some Imodium. (Not healthy long term but it is a short term solution if you feel like you are going multiple times a day).

I spoke to my GP about medications the other day and she wasn't keen to recommend antidepressants or anything at the moment but did mention propranolol. But then she checked my blood pressure and it was really low, so she said it might be a problem to take it. Good idea on the immodium. I've been going, like, 20 plus times a day and it's quite stressful, so something short term would help. It's definitely just from anxiety, because I get panicky about sth and my stomach starts cramping straight away!

Thx for the reassurance on doing the right thing for the kids x

I’ve done antidepressants (SSRIs) in the past and they were awful. But everyone reacts to medication differently, definitely go with the advice of your GP. I know there are some herbal things for anxiety like Bachs Rescue Remedy.

Can really relate to the going to the toilet constantly, it isn’t nice at all - wish I could give you a massive hug and tell you everyone will be okay💐❤

You are doing brilliantly!

I'm quite keen on trying the propranolol because I feel like it might take the physical edge off the anxiety. But I guess that the low blood pressure is an issue. I'm not too sold on the idea of SSRIs and the GP seemed to think that it wouldn't be necessary or the best idea ATM.

I'm a bit surprised by how ... for want of a better word, happy the kids seem to be. They really like the air b'n'b too, which helps! I said it's where we've come to "be quiet and peaceful".

lovely that the kids are enjoying being more relaxed, speaks volumes xx

That your kids are feeling safe and happy says it all, doesn't it?

The kids are happy because you've done the right thing. Your instinct that this had to change is right.
They will be happier with you without him. He is still their dad and you will work out in the future how he will see them . But from now on you will provide them a calm happy home . That is amazing
Reset, relax eat some soup or whatever you can and enjoy your reset getting your strength back time

Your husband needs to know what your eldest has said -scared and sad when he hears the shouting .

Could you get some Dioralyte or other rehydration stuff ?Just thinking that if your going to the loo all the time and struggling to eat (and drink?) that your low blood pressure might be partly due to dehydration .And you need as much physical as well as mental strength as possible at the moment .

"suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder".

Well he's right about this! After years of living with this abusive bully and tip toe ing around his moods.

It must feel wonderful to be somewhere peaceful. Lucky kids.

Have you tried some exercise or meditation to take the edge off your anxiety? Might help with the way you're feeling at the moment. BTW the way you're feeling sounds totally proportional to what you've been through.

I've used propranolol for anxiety, it stopped the physical symptoms rather than making me 'foggy' I've used it on and off for about 10 years now and it's been fine, no side effects.

I'm really really worried that he might take the kids from school next week and just take them home and refuse to let me see them. I don't see that there's anything which could legally stop him doing that.

They are okay here, so it's not as though there's a question over their happiness and safety. My eldest asked if we could stay at the air b'n'b forever this morning and seemed quite disappointed when I said no!

My friend is coming round today again, he lives nearby this area, and we're planning to go out in the afternoon to get to know our way round a bit.

I'm worried about getting unwell and not being fit to look after the children or having the strength to do what's needed. I have a really bad stomach again during the night and I got a bit dizzy after I had been to the toilet a lot of times. Giving immodium and diarolyte a go and hoping that this will help. Weirdly, I have a lot of energy though - I don't know where it's coming from!!

OP,
I would talk to Women's aid for advice.

Ask them should you call the police and tell them you have left the home.

Tell them your children do not wish to return.

Do not protect him by staying silent.

Tell the school you have fled the family home.

By telling people the truth including the police ahead of the week you are protecting yourself.

Bullys don't like a light being challenged and others knowing.

He is a house terrorist.

Contact the police for support.
Ask for their Domestic Abuse section.

Your children don't want to return home.

This is key.

Wishing you strength.

Hi OP,

I am going to second what @billy1966 has said. Please speak to the police, the school and WA about your concerns.

The fact that your children have told you that they feel scared when they hear the shouting and want to stay at the Airb&B, means that they are suffering from abuse also. They are anxious etc. This is NOT normal!

You need to stay away and speak to a solicitor.

Agree with others about contacting school etc talk to people.

Are you familiar with the fight or flight response? Bit of info in the link below. This is responsible for your symptoms. Dizziness, upset stomach etc.

www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/exploring-your-mental-health/panic/the-flight-or-fight-response/

Ps. Your manager sounds supportive and has already guessed that something is going on. Tell her everything. Let her help.

I'm really really worried that he might take the kids from school next week and just take them home and refuse to let me see them.

This is why you should contact the police. Also the school, ask to speak to the schools safeguarding lead. Please don’t go through this alone xx

Please listen to PP about contacting the relevant authorities ( school, womens aid, a solicitor, the police, your GP ) today if possible or as soon as you can.

This is NOT about punishing your husband. It’s the only way you have to protect your children.

It’s really important that you do this.

Perfect advice here* *from SeaToSki

I did speak to the police before leaving as a precaution - so that is on record. I've also made an appointment to speak to a solicitor for advice through my work EAP (the programme also offers advice for personal, non work-related matters, and my manager suggested it would be a good starting point). I've spoken to the school quite at length, but not the safeguarding lead. I'm writing them an email, but realistically I don't think they can stop him from collecting the children if he decides to? My eldest has now said he doesn't want to see him (husband), which makes me feel bad. I don't want for them to feel upset or angry with their dad.

Honestly, I don't think these are his 'true colours', I just think something is really wrong and it's making him behave very badly. But he is an adult and it's up to him to change that.

We had a relaxing day with my friend and his partner, and had a 'picnic' back at the quiet house (as it's now named by my kids) with M&S deli food, weird special grapes and Percy Pigs. Cannot do this every day, but it was a feel-good treat! My bank balance is a bit depleted but fortunately (I won't go into too much detail) we've always had separate accounts and paid into a joint account for mortgage, bills, etc. So my savings, income, personal outgoings etc. are all on my own account. I even managed to eat a bit but my stomach is protesting now!

I'm not a safeguarding lead but at the school I work in at times of family concern the residential parent has collected the children a bit early to avoid this situation and any confrontation which of course would be awful for the children. Would be best to get head and DSL buy in from the school but could be a good idea .

You can't stop your kids being angry and upset with their dad. You have to allow them their emotions.

It sounds like they are happy and feeling safe in the quiet house. It must have been quite traumatic for them to live in an abusive household.

It's up to your H to mend his relationship with his kids and it sounds like he's got a long way to go if he wants to do that. Your children have told you very clearly they are scared of him. He may not be a bad person but he certainly acts like one. Don't give him another chance to hurt them.

This man is making you ill , physically and mentally. What are you waiting for?

💯 your children are affected negatively by the toxicity of this situation. If you can’t leave him for your own well-being, leave for theirs.

I did leave mine for pretty much what you are describing though he was also smashing things. But I made the mistake of allowing the children to keep seeing him. I have had to call police on my children 6 x now as they reenact their dad’s rages. So that’s what is in store for you.

She’s not waiting . If you read the thread you will see that she is acting.

Im sorry for what you have been through. But it’s not up to the OP to stop then seeing their dad, there are processes that have to be gone through. It sounds a bit as though you are trying to blame her and that’s not fair.

Oh calm yourself. I did read the thread. I am not blaming anyone and I speak from experience. Stop being so reactive. You are not the thread police.

OP,
You have to acknowledge and accept what your children are telling you.

They have been living in a highly abusive home.

The ly in their beds scared and sad as their father screams and abuses their mother.

They don't want to return home.

They don't want to see their father.

Your children are clearly telling you of the huge damage that has been done to them by this situation.

Don't deny them that need to speak clearly about how they feel.

Hear what they are saying.
Acknowledge it.
Respect that they know how they feel.

Them knowing you hear them is so important.

Tell the school.
Your GP.
Women's aid.
The police.

Tell them your children do not wish to go home or see him.
Ask what they advise.

Glad that you have eaten a bit.