Argument situation with husband

[IHateArguments]

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

His behaviour is so so so not acceptable. I think you should talk to him when nothing has happened and say you’d like to talk about how upset he’s getting at the moment but when he starts shouting you just shut down. See if he can have a conversation when he’s not directly been ‘triggered’, explaining calmly how you feel but the minute he gets heated you just say calmly that you’d like to contribute the conversation when he isn’t shouting. If he can’t even manage this it truly will become an LTB situation. You shouldn’t have to live like that. See if you can find a marriage guidance counsellor if you think things are salvageable.

I'm not going to defend your DH because it is never acceptable to verbally abuse someone and shout in their face.

I read an article on how different people handle arguments in relationships. Ultimately, it reports that we should have empathy with the way others deal with conflict. My DH hates any kind of confrontation whereas I am quite emotional - I need to get it off my chest. By shutting me down (telling me to calm down and shushing me) I end up immensely frustrated and then blow up even more. So we kind of come to an agreement that he won't shut me down but I won't go on at him for a response once I have got it off my chest.

Sorry but in no way should OP or anyone else have empathy for her DH.

Like you said, it is never acceptable to shout in someone’s face.

Her DH is abusive. This is obviously not a one off situation. OP has admitted she’s scared of him.

Honestly, this sounds horrendous. Please take note of the replies here, and try to take it on board that this is not normal, and very much not okay.

OP, I obviously don't know you or your husband but I'd be willing to bet a great deal that most of what you've said about yourself here (that you're annoying, anti-confrontational, holding a grudge etc) are things you're repeating parrot fashion from what he's said to you.

He's an abuser. It's absolutely 100% clear. I bet he doesn't "fly off the handle" like this at work. Or with any of the men in his life.

The fact that you're either delaying or electing not to tell him things due to fear of his reaction isn't normal. It's not you're fault he reacts like this. He is an adult and ought to be capable of controlling his emotions and not act like that.

Ask him why everything is your fault and nothing is his...and listen to him.
You'll hear what he really thinks of you both.

Let's see does he make as many excuses for your behaviour as you do for him.

Sounds as if your husband needs some anger management counselling.

This is from an Irish website but I'm sure someone can find a uk equivalent.

It's a list of warning signs that you are in an abusive relationship.

You have described the first 4

www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIsZf5gPaP-gIViL7tCh02ugHAEAMYASAAEgKRvPD_BwE

Please check it out. You are minimising and excusing his behaviour

You really have not made it sound worse than it is
I don't care how stressed or unwell he is.
There is nothing that can excuse his way of behaving

Why the fuck is that not a LTB. To give you a counterpoint to base your "normal" on, me and my DP have never shouted or sworn at each other in anger in 16 years. We've gotten frustrated with each other, we've snapped, we've said things we regretted. But if either one of us berated the other for an hour over anything less than a murder, let alone a child care issue, the relationship would be over.

If everyone who got a LTB response actually did, I swear we would have just 4 people left in the country that were still married.

men and women can both be arseholes…but both can also react in an unreasonable manner, the question is what they do next. If his rage is an issue he needs to confront the source, counselling, medication, job change, etc…other things need to be considered.

op has stated she doesn’t feel it’s a LTB situation, so unless people think she is in danger, it’s not necessary to bang on about leaving him. That being said @IHateArguments you do need to carve out some time to actually have a frank discussion with him on what is and isn’t ok, because if it continues then you should
consider whether or not to stick it out or to seek better for yourself.

stop minimising his behaviour, it really is a LTB situation. YOu literally live in fear of him. That is not ok

The problem is that he has historically been a kind and caring husband. I would have said that he had a good relationship. But the last few years have been stressful (for everyone) and I think he's got into this pattern or mode of thinking or being. And I am also a little bit to blame because I have let it get like this.

I've tried to raise it a few times (I've said I don't like it - that it makes me really anxious - that it's unhealthy) but when he's in a good mood, he just brushes it off or changes the subject. When he's in a bad mood, he just blows up.

I do think it's a problem and I'm absolutely not saying it's fine, he's fine, there's no problem. I just wish there was a way to address things - like, properly. I never would have imagined myself feeling like I wanted couples' therapy or anything, but I feel that's what would be needed at this point. And I don't think he'd agree.

I'm sorry for coming across as feeble. I don't think I really am gaslit and worn down and subjugated because I know it's not right and I actually am not content to put up with it. But I just feel, I don't know... tired and sad.

I have been intimated by my H for a long time. I decided a while ago it was easier to keep quiet rather than face his sudden anger over stuff that seemed to come from nowhere, or if I ever pushed back.

We are both retired and I mentioned about perhaps sharing the cooking. I do it all. He started doing the dishwasher off his own bat and I took that as his answer ref cooking.

He has been putting stuff in the wrong places, it varies so when I’m cooking I’m opening and closing drawers looking for things. I haven’t felt able to tell him this because at best it will be ignored or he’ll get really arsey with me. Obviously this is just one example of very very many. But it meant second guessing myself everytime I wanted to open my mouth.

This is no way to have a marriage. I was so unhappy I went to therapy. I was told that he treats me like a child. More accurately he behaves like an authoritarian father that will permit no lack of respect to his senior position.

This is not a marriage of equals. I am divorcing him.

Even if you don’t think this is a LTB, it may well be in five years time. The resentment at having your voice silenced will be soul destroying.

I honestly believe if you don’t get this sorted soon you will be following in my footsteps. There’s been some good advice on this thread. Please try and regain some power in the relationship, or you’ll end up hating him by the time you decide to leave.

Thank you for this.

I genuinely don't feel "in danger". I feel sort of emotionally not safe, because I feel like I'm under emotional attack (if that makes any sense). But while that makes me unhappy, it doesn't make me fear for my safety.

And I would like to work things out, or at least try to. Perhaps I am being unrealistic and minimising. But I just feel like something is wrong, and while that doesn't make any of this okay, I'd at least like to try to figure out what is wrong and look at whether it can be put right.

It's not a LTB situation

I'm very sorry, I think it really might be.

Do you want to subject yourself to this for the rest of your life. I hope you find the strength to arrange a better environment for yourself. And your DC.

Oh come off it there wouldn’t be 4 married people still left married. What a bizzare comment.

A lot of women who are being emotionally abused don’t feel like they are in “LTB” situations. But this is because they’ve been gaslit, coerced and conditioned to think their husband/partners behaviour is normal and acceptable.

The OP’s H’s behaviour, from what we’ve read is neither normal nor acceptable. It’s nowhere close to that.

We can bang on about leaving him all we like thank you. There is clearly a sad and low woman and innocent children at the hand of this vile man. It isn’t okay.

I, and as well as many others do think she is in danger. This clearly isn’t a one off. This type of behaviour only escalates.

This is an excellent link. Thank you for posting this. If anyone is watching bad sisters, it is a tv drama version but spot on in regard to the doubt these types.of men instill in their partners.

Oh OP, please trust your gut. When you feel like something is wrong, it most likely is. An emotional attack is just as harmful and abusive as a physical attack.

Please do not minimise or excuse his behaviour. You have children. It is not okay for them to be around this toxic environment. Even if his anger is not directed at the children they will hear it. They will sense it. They will know something isn’t right.

If he can treat you like this then he isn’t a good parent. Period.

You say you want to work things out. Okay, so have you asked him what is wrong? Do you communicate with him about this?

If the answer is yes and you get show down or shouted at then I’m sorry but there will be no getting through to him.

If the answer is no, are you able to get a mediator? A trusted friend or family member to come round and be present in the house? Then ask him them. See if he is big and brave another to abuse you infront of someone else.

Couples therapy? Would you be willing to try? If so, would he also be willing to try?

Maybe I made it sound worse than it is.

My reading is that you are minimising how terrible it is. As abused people so often do. This is really no ok

The amount of someone shouting at you which is acceptable in a relationship is zero. You should not be feeling on tenterhooks around him, especially if you have 'bad news'. He should have your back, not blame you for things beyond your control. And then refuse to discuss a way forward.

It is disappointing when someone who was a good 'un changed behaviour. By all means have a conversation. Please keep at the back of your mind, though that his behaviour is not ok and that if it doesn't change, you need to consider your options, not just try and work around him.

Working round someone screaming is ok for a baby, even a toddler. It's not ok in a husband or any adult.

I'm very sorry.

At the very very least and I mean VERY !!! he has NO respect for you. If you don't speak up now and defend yourself with limitations and consequences of his behaviour toward you , this will only escalate. I don't necessarily mean to violence, although it is possible if he struggling to hold his temper in check, but verbal abuse can be incredibly harmful too.

@IHateArguments, just how far are you prepared to let it go?
I realised, several years after XH and I separated, that I was afraid of making any man angry with me (I had a situation arise one day and I suddenly realised that was how I felt - it was horrible).
I'm several years on from divorce now, and I still can't trust that I can put that awful feeling behind me, so I've stayed away from meeting someone, as much as it would be lovely to have someone who values me and wants to take care of me. I just don't feel I can take the risk of being hurt so deeply again.
You might not think that's not where you are and I sincerely hope not, but I would urge you to search your heart and have a good think about it.
Maybe the way forward is counselling for you both, but if he's already manipulating you so that you keep things like that to yourself, it might be too late already.

He shouted at you for over an hour? I mean, if you had admitted to an affair, theft, something truly awful then ok…. But he sounds unhinged.

I’d record him next time- and there will be a next time. I’d see a solicitor too.

OP,
This is neither normal nor healthy.

He is now regularly emotionally abusing you and you are tired, sad and worn out by it.

Why wouldn't you be?
It must be truly awful.

Why would you quickly get over someone grinding you down like that?

It is awful.

Unfortunately your children cannot be immune to what is happening and how he behaves.

Your home is a truly awful environment to grow up in.

You have two choices.
You address honestly that you are a victim of domestic abuse and tell your husband he addresses his behaviour or leaves.

Or you remain a victim and rear your children to be victims too.

Call Womens aid for a chat.
Your children may well confide in someone as time goes on.

I appreciate this is a very difficult situation for you, but you have to hang on to the fact that he thinks it is acceptable to treat you like his emotional punching bag.

The only person who can stop this is you.

You and your children deserve better.