Argument situation with husband

[IHateArguments]

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

OP
take a look through here and see if anything rings a bell

You say he is mentally unwell or stressed, but does he shout at strangers in the street, at his boss, at his mum or his friends if they do or say something he doesnt like?

Can you pinpoint when it changed? was it after the child was born? Or after you went back to work and he was expected to do more because you picked up the slack during maternity, hence he resents your work and independance as he'd hoped you would carry on doing all the housework and kidwork as well as bring in an income? These are the two main starting flashpoints.

It is completely unacceptable that your children are being forced to live in this environment. I feel so sorry for them.

Unfortunately your children cannot be immune to what is happening and how he behaves.

Your home is a truly awful environment to grow up in.

You have two choices.
You address honestly that you are a victim of domestic abuse and tell your husband he addresses his behaviour or leaves.

Or you remain a victim and rear your children to be victims too.

It's this, OP.

He shouted at you for an hour because you told him on Saturday work plans had changed?

And there are some excusing this?!

I'm so glad you have a friend to confide it. I think you need to outright ask her what her true feelings are about the situation you have described here. I think you'll find that she's more than happy to help you get out of this situation.

And you know what? Maybe he is unwell. But it's not your role or responsibility to be his emotional punching bag. If he's unwell, he needs to engage with professionals and get well. Maybe he doesn't seen how bad he's got. But again, it's not your job to just put up with that.

Personally, I think this relationship is dead unless he has a major personality overhaul. And I think he should do this alone because I don't think you sound safe @IHateArguments. Only once he can control himself and can acknowledge and apologise for past behaviour can your relationship begin to heal.

You're not being unreasonable. Let me repeat that. You are NOT being unreasonable.

He needs to deal with this anger situation. It's not ok. Quite simply.

He has taken your voice from you - you can't discuss it for fear of his reaction.

He has taken your sense of security & safety from you - you are threading on eggshells

He has taken your confidence from you - you feel you can't stand up for yourself without retaliation

He has taken your spirit and happiness away - you are sad and lonely

He is also making you doubt yourself - you think you are playing a part, you are second guessing yourself, somewhat in denial.

There's a hell of a difference where there is a once off argument than this. This is sustained,persistent and has become your normal.

The fact you aren't comfortable addressing it with him,means it is too much. It's abusive.

Personally I'd never tolerate being screamed at. It is an be absolutely awful environment for children - i grew up in it, so you know, it terrifies me. He will eventually start screaming at your kids for minor infractions and you'll all be on eggshells.

I know you don't want to LTB but it creates life long issues for your children to be in that environment.

Op shouting at you, swearing at you and blaming things on you that you have no control over for an hour is way beyond normal couples arguing. I personally feel that's emotionally abusive. Then getting angry because you haven't swallowed your feelings and hurt from HIS actions and choices fast enough is bullying and manipulative. I'd sit him down and be really straight with him and say how it makes you feel and it needs to change or you won't be able to remain in the relationship and while you understandhe might be stressed, it's HIS responsibility to manage that stress and his behaviour accordingly. You're his wife and equal not his verbal punchbag when he's had a bag day or things don't go his way. I'd say to him that you feel afraid to bring things up because of his reactions. And he may not shout at your kids directly but it is just as harmful for them to grow up seeing one parent berating the other for an hour or on the regular and putting them down or speaking to them disrespectfully. I'd make arrangements to leave so you have the option if you decided to use it but this is on him not on you. The fact you're blaming yourself for his behaviour shows that you've got too used to hearing it. You would be well within your rights to walk away here and I'd be getting my ducks in a row. If you are financially dependent on him, from what you've said here you would qualify for support from womens aid. His behaviour is abusive unacceptable and it starts and ends with him.

I know you were looking for more constructive advice but… That’s not normal. In any way.

Having arguments is normal. Going through times when you don’t like each other as much is pretty normal. But the behaviour you are describing is a million miles from normal or healthy and no one should have to put up with this.

You poor woman .
hope you can talk to him , if not I suggest telling him if he shouts again very soon after you will be going away for a week or two and you could talk on the phone if he wants . Start planning where you d stay , have a bag packed with passport , vaccinations etc . Do tackle this or it will get worse , been there , too late .
All the best
hugs x

I think it's probably a combination of things that have led to him getting this.. anger problem. Including (but not principally) the pandemic and lockdowns situation.

I'm not financially dependent on him. I don't feel physically at risk. I just feel... on edge. I don't sleep well, I'm eating, I'm relieved to be at work because no one's going to yell at me.

I hate that he's suspicious of me. For example (and it sounds really petty) he accused me of knowing well in advance about the change of schedule. I work in a sector where we are coming up to one of the busiest times of the year! We always have schedule changes in these weeks! And this one came about for replanning related to the Queen's funeral next week. Unless he thinks I have Powers, I don't see how I could have known about that in advance...

If it were just me I could do this... and I probably would, just to have some space. But I wouldn't want to leave him alone with the kids if he's really angry, because what if he starts blowing up at them instead? And realistically, if I inform him that I'm leaving and I don't want to talk to him for X amount of time, he probably would be upset and angry.

Thanks everyone, for the advice, and for listening.

Emotionally not safe isn’t this hugely different thing to physically not safe. You’re not safe. Your children are not safe. Sending you light and courage to navigate this.

@IHateArguments you know it's not a good sign when you're afraid that your husband could hurt your children out of anger towards you. Please follow the women's aid link from further upthread, this does not sound like a safe time at all.

The only way it’s not abusive situation if he does this with work colleagues and his parents/siblings/other relatives and friends. Does he behave the same way with his boss?

If not it really is a LTB situation.

This thread is painful to read. How much worse for OP to live the reality. This is not what marriage or partnership should be.

He is using you as a verbal punching bag. If he can be nice to the children, he can be nice to you. I'm sorry he is putting you through this. I agree he sounds stressed but that's not an excuse. You were scared to talk to your own husband!
Maybe not LTB forever, but he does need a wake up call. He is abusing his wife and it is not ok, and it is not her job to lay down and take it. He MUST change.

And I am also a little bit to blame because I have let it get like this.

It has got like this because his abusive behaviour is escalating.

You are not to blame at all - or possibly only because you haven't nipped this in the bud sooner. I'm not criticising you for that, many people do struggle to realise that what they're going through is abuse.

Oh OP, it is LTB- worthy as everyone else has said.

Its abuse. You must take steps.

So good to see your update saying you’re not financially dependent on him, that puts you in a much stronger position to make some much needed changes.

Oh god, he sounds nasty. But ultimately OP, if you’re happy being treated like this, then go for it. It doesn’t personally impact me if you want to stay with this hot headed angry man. At least no other woman has to deal with his wrath whilst he’s screaming at you I suppose, the rest of us are fine. Like I said, it’s your life and your safety and if you’re happy staying with him, go for it.

I'm also worrying about something that happened today and I'm probably being stupid.

I was feeling stupidly emotional all day and my eyes kept filling up at odd moments. I don't think anyone noticed except this one time when I was talking through something with my manager and all of a sudden I got a lump in my throat and couldn't finish what I was saying. She asked me what was wrong and I said nothing was, and she said, "well, that's clearly not true because you're almost crying." And then she said, "it's not someone being horrible to you or anything like that, is it?" For clarity, she used to be a teacher and has a tendency to talk to others occasionally like they are about 10! I said no, and I kind of assumed she meant someone in the workplace. But now it's now come into my mind that maybe she meant something else entirely, now I'm worrying that she might say or do something which would make things worse. I'm definitely being irrational.

Yeah, I know. It's definitely a better position to be in than the alternative. And I do have friends who I can - and do - talk to and some of them know a little about this situation.

Hi OP

Me and my husband have schedule changes, we both work away sometimes, its an absolute bloody nightmare trying to juggle it all and sometimes we unfairly get annoyed at each other.

The most that we say is along he lines of 'really, is there no way you can rearrange, that's shit timing as I was meant to be out, what are you / we going to do about childcare etc or a minor 'bloody hell why does it always happen when x' type thing. No shouting, no swearing, no blame. Sometimes we argue (if we both have something essential that we can't change) but there are no raised voices or swearing at someone or anger.

Being shouted at is not ok
Being sworn at is not ok
Bring scared to tell your husband that your work have changed your hours is not ok
No apology is not ok

None of this is even slightly acceptable. Imagine someone shouting at your kids like this. Would you tell them it didnt matter because he didnt mean it? He is an adult in control of his own actions so he means what he says.

I can tell how much this has ground you down because you're saying things like 'I'm so annoying in an argument because I dont want to continue to argue when he is being like that'...that's completely normal, no woman wants to keep interacting with someone who is being aggressive to you.

He is aggressive and abusive. You wouldn't put up with it from a stranger and it's worse from someone who is meant to care from you. You need to leave before your kids have learnt that this is what a relationship is meant to be like