Argument situation with husband

[IHateArguments]

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

I'm worried he'll refuse to let me take the kids.

How can he 'refuse' if you take them and go while he's at work? He won't know until he comes back to an empty house.

Is he usually very hands on and involved with the kids? An equal parent?

Do you think you will be able to contact WomensAid OP? You don’t have to speak on the phone if you feel uncomfortable. You can email and use the live chat function.

You don’t have to break this news to him face to face. You can wait until you are safe at the hotel with the kids then phone/text him.

Your anxieties and physical symptoms from the fear and worrying tells us everything we need to know about his possible reactions.

Make sure you and your children are safe.

I am sorry you are having these issues, I was that soldier - yes there were MH issues but that is not an excuse.

I cried at work also - eventually after I got some support I figured out it was because work was my safe place to unload. I did end up LTB and years later I am so grateful that my children are not witness to their mum being spoken to with sure vile and emotionally abusive manner.

Please access support for yourself.

With all due respect op

Why are you MINIMISING

awful man

Couldn't you tell him in a note? After you've gone. So he has time to digest it, and is not able to blow up in your face when you're trying to tell him. A sort of..

I'm so unhappy and can't continue to live like this, with you thinking it's ok to shout at me, there really is no good reason to do that. In fact your behaviour has now reduced me to a state of fear and makes me not want to be at home as all this anger directed at me is affecting my ability to even think straight, let alone feel that our home is a safe haven for us all. So I've gone away with the dcs for a couple of weeks to try to get some space to think what to do. Maybe the time will also give you a chance to think about what I'm telling you, and to decide what you'd like to do about it.

Perhaps a crisis like this is needed, so he realises that if he carries on he may lose you. He is supposed to love you. And you don't treat people you love like this.

I will try to contact Women's Aid, if not today then tomorrow. I'm okay with calling, actually, but it's good they have the chat option also. I just want to do it when I can give my proper attention, not when I'm supposed to be working!

I hate hate HATE the physical symptoms of anxiety. They make you more anxious! My stomach is gurgling and I keep having to go to the loo. And my heart keeps racing and I come over all sweaty. It makes you MORE anxious!

Just leaving and saying nothing feels like I'm being really unfair. But I'm not sure what a conversation would achieve OTOH! He's hardly going to say, oh yes, a good idea, off you go.

So sorry Op

It is awful

Been there

No man should be allowed to do this to you

Ever !!!!

How would you feel if your daughter were in a relationship like this? Would you view it as abusive then? If he starts treating the children like this it's ok?

OP,
If you go, I would advise contacting the police to tell them that you have left the family home with your children because of domestic abuse.

If he threatens to contact them and report you missing etc, you will be able to say "go ahead I have already informed them that I have left the family home due to domestic abuse".

Perhaps this will be a wake up call for him.

I am no passive flower and am well able to argue my corner, but I would find the screaming in your face for an hour very threatening and violent.
I too would be rendered silent with fear.

This is what he wants. You silent and taking his abuse.

Where were your children when this went on?

Because if they are in the house when this is going on, then your children absolutely are abused children.

There are no words to convey the stress they will be internalising hearing you being abused.

It will 100% remain with them for ever.
Their stress levels will be elevated, putting them on the road for life long anxiety.

That is what men like him do to their children.

Their is no escaping the damage.

Please contact any family you have and tell the truth.

I feel so sorry for you.
You poor woman.
Unfortunately your children really need you to be strong for them.

Can you leave before he arrives home friday?

Even though telling him after the fact feels unfair it does rather illustrate the point that you no longer feel able to have a decent conversation with him, without fear of his wrath.

It is unfair on you that you've been subject to this.

It is unfair on your dcs that their father is making their home a place of anger, tension and fear.

It is unfair to your entire family life and marriage to keep ignoring this.

For your physical symptoms of anxiety, try this as soon as they start and after a couple of slow long breaths in and out:

1. Name out loud (or under your breath if you're not alone) 5 things you can see.
2. Name four things you can hear.
3. Name 3 things you can touch
4. Name 2 things you can smell
5. Name 1 thing you can taste

This should help you to regulate your breathing and calm you down. It also gives your brain something else to do as an alternative and a break from spiralling down into terror and panic.

Because if they are in the house when this is going on, then your children absolutely are abused children.There are no words to convey the stress they will be internalising hearing you being abused.It will 100% remain with them for ever.Their stress levels will be elevated, putting them on the road for life long anxiety.That is what men like him do to their children.Their is no escaping the damage.

And I'll add: men like this really, really don't like it when their kids grow up, see them for what they are and start answering back. It escalates and they become even more furious with the wifebot if she doesn't side with him in abusing their children.

You are doing so well OP and being so strong even though you don't feel it. It is coming to a head and that must be scary but it has to happen. I like the idea of a note, maybe say on there, I will be available to meet to talk on x date if you feel you can talk calmly. Maybe make this meeting at your friends house with her upstairs or something.
It may be that he needs a wake up and you might be able to get through it but it is going to need all the ownership to come from him and the willingness to actually change.
If that is not how he reacts then you calmly explain that you do not want to live with him any more.
Anger destroys love , it really does. The PP above who talked about how he can't behave like this with anyone else shows how bad if is.
You are doing so well

OP
In a normal marriage, people have arguments and sometimes they lose their crap and act really poorly. But this is (or should be!) an occasional thing just simply because we're all human and sometimes we screw up.

But, when it's frequent and one partner starts modifying their behaviour in order to avoid causing another outburst, then there's a very real problem. This isn't normal. For him to call you names and go on for a whole HOUR over something so minor is just awful and completely unnecessary. And then to give a non apology by blaming you is gaslighting.

You're not imagining this. Please don't minimise it.

He can’t refuse to let you take the children if you do it while he’s out. Which I wholeheartedly recommend you do.

You can tell him once you’re gone that you’ve gone.

Quite frankly, fuck him and how he feels. Abusive cunt.

Agree with pp, tell him once you're gone and you're already in your airbnb. DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE.

I'd advise taking your birth certs and passports with you, driving licence, bank cards and online banking details, and anything you need for the kids' school, so you don't have to return to the house until you're ready with a plan in place.

Once you are settled in to your airbnb, text him and let him know the kids are safe, and you're taking some time out. Don't get into lengthy text exchanges with him. Let him know you're safe and then turn off your phone (or mute his number) and have a nice evening with the kids.

Be careful, OP. Abusers tend to escalate abuse when they suspect they might have lost control over their victims. If he knows or suspects you're leaving, it could be a dangerous time for you. I agree that a chat with women's aid is a great idea, and do whatever they advise in relation to informing the police etc.

And OP, these are for you You're going to get through this.

I had to do stuff with the kids when I got home and then I just said I wanted to rest because I'm not feeling 100% (it isn't a lie!). So we haven't had much chance for conversation.

I still feel really jittery, in fact, it's worse now I'm home. I don't think the kids clocked anything. But I'm worried I'm going to really give sth away. I don't think it's exactly like panic attacks, but I keep feeling like my chest is really tight and my heart is thumping really really fast and coming out in a cold sweat!

Tomorrow I'll start thinking about practical stuff and I think then I'll probably be a bit better because I'll have something to focus on.

@IHateArguments

You are minimising it (I say that not in a nasty way), because he’s conditioned you too feel that’s you and not him, that is the issue.

He may well have been a lovely husband pre-pandemic, but he certainly isn’t a lovely one now. Nor is he a good father.

You really need to speak to WA. Also, there is little point discussing anything with him, as he’l twist it to make it likes it’s all you.

This is in no way normal. Also, your DC WILL pick up on this behaviour, they’ll hear it, they’ll sense your fear/walking on eggshells, they know you are not happy or relaxed. Take them with you, don’t tell him (just leave a note) and contact the police.

It is never advised to get joint counselling with an abuser (and yes he is), but you will benefit from individual therapy. It will help you unpick the brain fog.

More angry outbursts... I just can't stand it. Honestly, I just feel so overwhelmed. I just want a break from it all! It wasn't even really that big a deal this time, and at least it was quiet and won't have woken DC, but my stomach's in knots and my heart's pounding. I'm being so pathetic.

You're not pathetic. You're in a highly stressful and frightening situation.

I'm worried that I'm getting in such a state that I'm going to completely lose my mind and won't be fit to look after my children.

I'm not really eating... I'm barely sleeping. I keep crying! FFS, I just need to get it together!

Would you consider contacting your GP in the morning and asking for some medication? I had depression 10 years ago that was predominantly work related and whilst I knew I needed to make some big decisions, I was so ground down that it seemed impossible. Anti-depressant/anxiety medication won’t fix things with your relationship but if you find the right one, they can help you think more clearly. It also helped with some of the physical symptoms - not sleeping, not eating, racing heart etc.

Download voice recorder app to your phone. Hit record and place somewhere discrete before next outburst. When you listen back in a few months time, you'll know you did the right thing in getting away from him.

Hi op, sorry you are going through a rough time, and I'm glad you have booked somewhere safe to go, thats amazing! My friends ex was a lovely calm man who basically changed overnight. He went from being a great husband and father to constantly shouting, screaming, picking fights, breaking things, insulting my friend and bullying her, and the reason he did that was because he was having an affair. He made home life as unbearable as possible to justify his sleeping around. Your husband's personality change might not be for the same reason, but whatever caused it, know you aren't to blame.

I worry a bit about going on meds because isn't it likely that they make you feel a bit worse before starting to feel better? I'm also worried that it would look like I can't cope...

Today I need to get going with things and maybe that will make it easier. I've been up most of the night one DC had a nightmare and I've got a really upset stomach. I woke husband up because I had to keep going back and forwards to the loo and he got annoyed. I understand that it's annoying if someone keeps waking you like that but I really wasn't doing it on purpose. Anyway, he got angry again.