Argument situation with husband

[IHateArguments]

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

So you can't leave your children with their own father and it's not a LTB situation.
It doesn't really matter how it's come to that, this man is not a good dad or husband, or person.

What if they were in your kind of relationship as either the perpetrator or victim of emotional abuse?

Your life could be so much better not walking on eggshells.

I discovered my ExH was having an affair and confronted him… he didn’t shout in my face for an hour! We had heated exchanges briefly but at no point did I feel unsafe, OP. I can’t say much nice about the guy but it still was never that bad. This isn’t ok.

Don't just suggest it, OP. Demand it! Tell him you will file for divorce if he doesn't agree, and tell him you mean it.

I'd take the kids and go to your parents (or even a motel) for a few days. Leave him a note summarising what you've said here. Tell him in it you are on edge from his abusive behaviour, and he either agrees to urgent couples therapy, or you will file for a divorce, that you mean this and there is absolutely no going back from this if he doesn't change.

If you're not ready to leave him, and he won't have counselling, then you need strategies to get through it.

Can you leave when he starts getting angry? The room, or the house completely? Tell him you will not engage in conversation while he's shouting and walk away.

Can you text/email him things that'll set him off instead of face to face?

No one should have to live like this. No one deserves to be shouted and screamed at. Please remember that.

He needs to know this is absolutely not ok. While I may not be planning to LTB yet, I would if this continued once I'd made it crystal clear that I would not be left feeling worried about going back to my own home.

Next time I would say "I will NOT be spoken to like that. You have an anger problem and you need to sort it out" and see what happened next. It would tell me everything. And I'll be honest, the fact he's having a go at you for confiding your sadness in a friend means I wouldn't be getting my hopes up. He cares what others think of him, but not what you think apparently.

Thanks everyone, for taking the time to reply. Sorry I've been quiet - morning chaos.

I got to work and just started crying again. It was really embarrassing and I don't know why I'm being so feeble, I just feel really upset. My manager was lovely about it and said she could see something was clearly upsetting me yesterday and I've taken the rest of the morning to get my head together a bit (although I work in the centre and it is too far to go home so I'm just having a walk and a coffee!).

I don't really know what to do because I don't feel like it can continue like it is, but I don't feel strong enough to do anything. I feel like saying I need a break and going away for a couple of weeks might help, but I would want to take the kids and that makes it more complicated. My parents don't live in the UK and obviously taking kids abroad (and out of school) raises a whole bunch of issues. I have two friends who would definitely be happy for us to stay, but I think it is a bit much if it is for longer than a day or so (which it would be). I could see if I could find an air b'n'b or something, it might be the best option. In terms of work, I do at least have stacks of annual leave and TOIL to take, which would probably be necessary. It's a question of when/if the powers that be would allow me to take it, as we have a block on AL during September.

Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud here really. I just want some space to think and relax a bit, that's as far as I can get at the moment really.

I think your idea of getting some space is a really good one, OP.

Imagine that you can't think clearly at home, as there is way too much tension.

Some time away might give you the peace and clarity to think about the next steps.

You sound completely ground down by him and no one should have to live like that.

Go away for a bit, find some strength and tell him that you have had enough and won't be putting up with his crap any more.

Good luck, OP - you can - and must - do it, for your own sake and for your children's!

I agree you need some space from him. I don’t suppose he would agree to a temporary separation and for him to move out ?

Since you would be the one caring for the children it makes sense for him to leave. But I’m guessing that you would be scared to even raise the subject and he’d probably refuse anyway 🙁

Air bnb sounds god. Maybe see if there's a roomzzz or aparthotel near you, might be cheaper.

What you're feeling is normal and natural. Take some time away to build your strength and decide your next move.

@FlissyPaps · Yesterday 18:51
'I’m sorry but this is a LTB situation.
OP this is emotional abuse.'

Yes it is . I fully agree

*good

You sound like a you have an amazing and caring manager OP. Please never feel embarrassed to cry at work. You are a human being, that has been horrendously mistreated. This doesn’t make you feeble either. Your manager has a duty of care towards you so if you feel like you can talk to her in confidence about what you’re going through then please do.

You need this time right now to process your thoughts about this. Being in the open air, out walking is great to do just that. To think.

For your own safety and mental health and for the safety and well-being of your children this absolutely cannot continue. You may not feel strong enough to do anything about it, but you’re making the first step. Which is acceptance. You’ve accepted this is wrong.

It may seem really frightening and alien to you to think about not being with this man. But, I promise you, you and your children deserve better. It will be hard. It will be scary. You’ll feel sad, lonely, confused but you have little people who depend on you. They are depending on you to get yourself and them away from this abusive man and toxic environment. You won’t feel like it, but you need to be strong. For them.

Please contact WomensAid or Refuge .org. They will be able to give you the best advice. It doesn’t mean you have to pack up and leave in the middle of the night. It doesn’t mean you have to go and live in a hostel. You just need someone to talk to. Someone who will understand and go through all your options.

I’d find a quiet area, if the weather is nice where you are find a park bench and give them a call. Or go back into work, ask your manager if you can have a small office/meeting room for an hour and call them from there. If you don’t want to call, send an email or use their online chat function.

www.womensaid.org.uk
refuge.org.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAjw1ICZBhAzEiwAFfvFhAvahl3zt6cfrOfFuUJNa3auhYQQu3SzRZrQFHkXfZh0pC-oTlLUphoC_m0QAvD_BwE

Honestly OP,

I really think you need advice from Women's aid.

You are contemplating leaving your home and taking your children from their home because of the abuse.

You need to admit that you are terrified of his anger.

You need to seek legal advice.

I think he should be told to leave because of HIs emotional abuse.

Can you quickly and quietly lay your hands on all financial paperwork to have it safely photographed and emailed to yourselves? Payslips, pensions deeds, bank accounts, passports etc.

Please call Womens aid for a chat.

Imagine what your home would feel like without him. Do you picture it feeling calm and relaxed? My husband can very occasionally be short tempered but would never insult me so I thought it was sort of ok as it was very very infrequent and he had a crazy stressful and tiring job. Now I'm older I realize I should never have allowed it.

It one thing when the kids are young but what happens when they are older? Teens can be pretty annoying? You husband is choosing to target you. He can control his temper with everyone else but doesn't want to with you.

Also imagine as you get older. What happens if either of you get health problems and what happens when you retire? Will you still be on edge?

Splitting up is a massive deal and must be extremely stressful and difficult but you need to think ahead.

I'm annoying as hell in arguments because I just go quiet or say I don't want to continue the discussion while he's so angry

Seriously?

You're not 'annoying as hell' - you're rightfully scared of your emotionally abusive husband! Nobody would be sharing their thoughts and feelings in that situation.

I haven't read the full thread but please wake up, OP. This isn't OK.

Well done for making plans to get some space/thinking time - I think your friends would be only too pleased to help for as long as it takes, and it sounds like you could ask your manager about taking leave even if it isn’t generally available. You’re not used to asking for help but people really do mean it if they offer, so allow yourself to accept - I am the same.

you’re not feeble you’re just emotionally exhausted and frightened…but you are doing the right thing even though it feels huge and scary.

life will be so much easier without him in it I promise, it won’t be easy at first but one day you’ll feel free and content and happy…look forward to that xxx

You keep saying that you “only” feel emotionally unsafe - physical violence is a low bar OP. The fact that you have to think and think before telling him ordinary things reeks of emotional/verbal abuse. I guess the other thing is, If he brushes it off when in a good mood, blows up in a bad mood and you don’t think he will go to therapy, what choice do you have but to leave?

Why don't you take a few weeks off work, get an air bnb local ish to you do the dc can go to school, be a bit of a holiday and an adventure for them

I booked an air b'n'b from Friday evening for 2 weeks. It's luckily just 5 mins walk from my friend (the one I spoke to the other day), who has kindly agreed to help with childcare for a couple of days. I really can't get off work on Tuesday and Wednesday last week, but I'm going to take a fortnight leave following that. I spoke to my manager this afternoon (not in much detail, but enough).

I feel awful. I just feel absolutely sick, and I'm so anxious and tensed up that I've got stomach cramps from it and I keep (sorry) having to run to the loo. But my head feels like it's full of cotton wool, like I can't think straight. And everything feels really scary and dangerous and kind of not real. He's going to be so upset and angry and I don't know how I'm going to say it.

What exactly are you scared will happen? What is frightening you?

I don't even know! I'm worried my DC are going to be devastated and traumatised and that they'll hate me. I'm scared he's going to flip out and yell at me again. I'm worried he'll refuse to let me take the kids. I just feel like everything in the world suddenly got black and scary and I don't know if I can even act normal when I get home any more.

It is natural to be scared.

I think you should be fairly confident your kids won't hate you, kids rarely hate even the most awful parents, so you should be fine there.

Just breathe, you don't have to do anything this second, when the panic rises take a deep breath.

I do feel really panicky! My heart is racing and my stomach is churning.

It's ridiculous! As you say, I don't have to do anything this second.

It isn't ridiculous

It is physiologically normal (unfortunately).

The fact that it is so scary is what tells you you’re doing the right thing - if he behaved reasonably then you wouldn’t be this scared. Well done!!

Personally I’d leave it until the very last minute to tell him, having got your stuff organised well in advance, have a friend with you or nearby. You might also want to ask the local police to put “a marker” on your address which will mean they give you priority if he does flip out, and let school know what is going on, including why - they will have seen it all before - so they can support the kids.

cotton-wool head is to be expected, just take one small step at a time and if you don’t want to talk to him or be in the house then don’t; you are on your way to happier times, well done xxx