Argument situation with husband

[IHateArguments]

I'm so ashamed of being upset about this that I've made a new u/n!

Lately my husband has been quite irritable and short fused. Flying off the handle about quite minor things, shouting and just generally losing his temper and saying quite mean things. Only with me (never with the kids) or about things or people.

I'm anti-confrontational to epic and annoying levels. I don't mind non-emotive confrontation, but I hate people being angry and upset. So I've found myself avoiding telling him things which I know will set him off.

I had a change of work plans for today due to the funeral bank holiday and I knew when I found out (Friday) that we'd have to rearrange childcare plans, because I'd be later home than I'd expected. And I caught myself that I was actually afraid to tell him, because I knew he'd fly off the handle.

I did tell him, but not as soon as I should have (Saturday afternoon). He completely flew off the handle and shouted at me for about an hour, swearing at me, saying stuff like he can't rely on me to sort out anything, I don't give a shit about anyone, I'm only interested in getting on at work.

I felt really - if I say not safe, I mean emotionally not safe in the situation, not that I actually felt threatened. Later I called a friend and had a bit of a cry, because some of the things he said hurt a bit. He obviously realised this, because he got angry with me over that.

Later he said sorry (but it was my fault) and he didn't mean those things, he just lost his temper. I still don't think it's okay and I wouldn't just say "yes, it's all fine", so he's now angry because I obviously don't give a damn about making things right.

It's not a LTB situation, or anything like that! But I can't just forget it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being unreasonable - holding a grudge and I should just drop it. But I don't like someone shouting and swearing in my face and saying unkind things, only to say "I didn't mean it" later. If you don't mean it, don't say it!

BTW, the childcare issue was solved. My youngest had a playdate and school agreed that the others could stay at after school club till 6.30.

@IHateArguments you need to listen to your children. They are telling you how they feel etc. Your Not so dear H, has done this.

When you spoke to him about this, he didn’t beg for forgiveness, he didn’t arrange some kind of counselling for himself or actually leave your home to give you space. Instead, he has gaslight you, blamed you and minimised anything you have told him (DARVO). There may be a reason for this sudden change in behaviour (doubt it), but you need to protect your DC from the emotional harm (abuse) that they are being subjected to, by listening to their father shout, name call, put down etc their mother.

I would speak to the school immediately and ask that you be able to collect them earlier this week. Speak to WA/school etc and tell them what your children are saying.

How is everything @IHateArguments ?

Hope you and the DC are doing okay OP x

Hope you’re ok OP 🙏🏻

It's all been okay, thanks. Sorry I've been quiet! It's just been busy and full-on, but nothing bad has been happening. We're settling down and I'm trying to make good, solid plans for moving forward. Xx

If you had a friend tell you that her dh was shouting at her for a full hour regularly what would you tell her to do? Spending your life walking on eggshells tiptoeing around to avoid arguments is no way to live. When he is calm I would tell him that if he shouts at you once more like that you will be ending the marriage & one of you will be leaving. In the meantime do everything to get your ducks in a row, get copies of all financial stuff, payslips, bank & pension statements, make sure you have a bank account of your own with money in it, have your own & ds birth certificates, passports, your driving licence & car documents in a safe place just in case you have to leave in a hurry. If an argument escalates don't be afraid to call the police.

Sorry not rtft, well done on leaving.

Good to hear OP xx

Thanks for the update @IHateArguments , glad to hear you and the kids are OK.