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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

643 replies

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 15:20

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

OP posts:
tresleches · 12/09/2022 16:42

I had very bad dog allergies and asthma during adolescence and in my 20s. Sometimes now too. There were several times that though short of an asthma attack, I was still so wheezy that my reliever stopped working, which is technically a "go to A & E" situation. Looking back, I took too many risks just to attend family events where people tended to underestimate the seriousness of asthma because they didn't want to keep the dogs away - it's great you're not doing this.

On the basis of this, I guess my advice is either stick to socialising in an easily de-dogged location like the kitchen (not fun I know - but baking, board games on the table etc?) and keep the windows open, or outdoor things if a garden (if a big garden, brother could invest in a play house-type thing that dogs never enter :) ).

Blondewithredlips · 12/09/2022 16:43

Please don't get rid of your beloved dogs. It is their home. So many lockdown dogs ending up in shelters and being put down. If you do get rid of your dogs the relationship with your brother will be broken forever as you will never fully forgive him.

theemmadilemma · 12/09/2022 16:43

That completely sucks for poor Gemma. But you didn't get the dogs knowing it would exclude her. Your dogs are part of your nuclear family and there's nothing more to be said there. They go no where.

Sadly if Gemma is that alergic, she's going to face a lot of this type of disappointment in her life. Her parents would be better helping her deal with that disappointment rather than trying to have everyone adjust for her, because it wont happen in day to day life.

Crazycrazylady · 12/09/2022 16:43

I'd explain to your brother that your son would be devastated to part with his pets and you could never ask it of him
I would make a real effort to do things outside the home with Gemma though to maintain the relationship, It is crap on her though but her parents need to accept that there are going to be houses that she wont be able to visit including friends houses because of dogs, Where do you draw the line, Asking her school friends to get rid of their pets?, asking her teacher to get rid in case she has dog hair on her? neighbours in case some hair blows into your garden which it will?

Asking people she will come in regular contact with to get rid of their pets simply isn't a sustainable or realistic solution, if i was her Mom, I'd keep investigating remedies etc. because Dogs are absolutely everywhere and unfortunately the world wont change to suit her needs.
Regardless, Assuming she comes over to op's ever other week, The op would be getting rid of her pet to facilitate some one being in the house twice a month, its simply not worth the quid pro quo.

Orion27 · 12/09/2022 16:43

We love our nieces and nephew but no way would we ever get rid of our dog! It’s non of them to ask you to do that.

It must be hard for her but there are plenty of things you and her parents can arrange to do outside of your house to include her.

You don’t need to buy a robot hover either but we do love ours! It does keep on top of the floors really well and also saves us so much time!

osmanthusfragrans · 12/09/2022 16:45

I read the "fit" Gemma had as being an emotional one (a tantrum), not an actual medical fit...

I'd also suggest backing off from hosting so often or at least try to arrange other playdates outside your house. I wouldn't rehome (or debone) my dogs, though.

MyneighbourisTotoro · 12/09/2022 16:46

You definitely can’t get rid of the dogs and it’s absolutely ridiculous that they even suggested it to you, are you able to do fun things with Gemma outside of the house? Or in a different home? Unfortunately as much as you may love your niece and don’t want her to be excluded this is there issue to sort and I say that as someone who has several severe allergies!

Etinoxaurus · 12/09/2022 16:46

From the other side...
My adored grandmother got an untrained and untrainable monster dog when dd was a toddler. I was livid and heartbroken and right to be wary- it later bit a child and had to be pts
However I had the nouse to recognise the dog was company for my g'mother 24 hours a day and I had no right to make demands when we'd only be there for the occasional few hours. We used to visit, with me carrying toddler dd then take granny out. Sadly she died a few months later, but I'm SO glad I kept visiting and didn't demand she got rid of the dog.
It's sad for dniece, and worse for her parents who've lost free childcare Hmm

There are several solutions which don't include you giving up your dogs.

ConnectQ · 12/09/2022 16:46

You’ve made your home a central point for the children across your extended family. Now one child is excluded from that. You either have to get rid of the dogs or stop having the other children around ( explain to the parents the reason). Continuing as you are will inevitably cause a massive family ruck, which will last and last.

You can’t really facilitate the exclusion of one member of a family from an established, valued and happy regular family occasion, without expecting repercussions. There are enough threads on here from adults experiencing pain from much less notable exclusions than this one. Its really quite cruel and I’m really quite appalled by the ‘yeah, she’ll have to suck it up’ attitude.

Chikapu · 12/09/2022 16:47

Had a fit like a tantrum, crying and complaining 'it's not fair', not a medical fit.

WarmChocolateFudgeCake · 12/09/2022 16:47

Personally I'd rather see my niece than keep a dog that stops her coming over. If you aren't willing to get rid of the dog maybe you could go to their house to look after them (making sure your clothes are fresh on and not full of dog hairs)?

FourTeaFallOut · 12/09/2022 16:48

Ah, well, that's different. I though she had a literal medical fit. As you were ....

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 16:48

@Pixiedust1234 we usually bathe them around once every two weeks.

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/09/2022 16:49

theemmadilemma · 12/09/2022 16:43

That completely sucks for poor Gemma. But you didn't get the dogs knowing it would exclude her. Your dogs are part of your nuclear family and there's nothing more to be said there. They go no where.

Sadly if Gemma is that alergic, she's going to face a lot of this type of disappointment in her life. Her parents would be better helping her deal with that disappointment rather than trying to have everyone adjust for her, because it wont happen in day to day life.

Absolutely this. Gemma is going to find that there are things she can't do - class trips to a farm, play dates to someone else's house who has a dog etc. - and much as your brother might want to, he can't remove all dogs from everywhere where she might go so she never misses out.

Anyone who asked me to get rid of my animals would be given short shrift! It seems to have been lost on your brother that it's apparently not OK for his daughter to be upset about not being able to go to your house, but it is OK for your son to have his beloved pets taken away? Hmm

Brokendaughter · 12/09/2022 16:50

I don't like dogs but I don't think you should have to get rid of yours.

If it were your own child who lived in the same house as the dogs, obviously that would be different, but it's your home, she doesn't live there & you shouldn't have to get rid of your pets because it doesn't suit someone else.

You might want to make sure you visit that nieces family from time to time so you still have contact with her, but she is the one who has to live with her allergy & you can't keep your house dog free enough for it to be a safe place for her to visit more than once in a rare while.
You can still make sure she knows you love her & see her at family occasions without them being in your house.

Children need to learn that the whole world won't rearrange itself to suit them & that we can't always have what we want.

It doesn't do them any favours for them to grow up expecting everyone else will always accommodate them doing everything they want.
It won't happen when they are an adult.

Pineappleslush · 12/09/2022 16:51

I think the only option is to get rid of the carpets? maybe ask everyone to chip in and do the labour in the family? Laminate doesn't have to be that expensive and it is a better option with dogs anyway? Only in the areas your niece would be in, I have 7 nieces and nephews and 2 children so I have a similar set up to you in terms of kids coming and going all the time and I love my nieces and nephews, I love my dogs and I don't love my carpets! (I know money is a consideration but never more important than my nieces and nephews - not for this reason1).

I had asthma/allergies as a child and I grew out of it hopefully your niece will toi in time.

ConnectQ · 12/09/2022 16:52

I think people are missing the relationship side of things. The niece will end up being the one the other cousins aren’t close to, if they are regularly meeting up and she isn’t. Young children are very attuned to this sort of thing. It’s not about the niece being provided with alternative ‘fun’ or ‘entertainment’ . It’s about being a part of the same family experiences and so building those relationships based on those shared times together.

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 16:52

@MyneighbourisTotoro sometimes, but definitely not nearly as often.

OP posts:
BunsyGirl · 12/09/2022 16:52

If her allergy is as severe as mine there is nothing that you can do to your house that will resolve the problem. It’s a really difficult situation. I have been that child. Ultimately I ended up in hospital after an asthma attack and after that I wasn’t able to visit the homes of relatives with dogs. It does make you feel excluded and it’s hard for a child to understand.

diddl · 12/09/2022 16:53

WarmChocolateFudgeCake · 12/09/2022 16:47

Personally I'd rather see my niece than keep a dog that stops her coming over. If you aren't willing to get rid of the dog maybe you could go to their house to look after them (making sure your clothes are fresh on and not full of dog hairs)?

Surely Op can still see her niece?

Just not give unlimited free childcare at her house any more!

Why should she give free childcare out of her own house?

tara66 · 12/09/2022 16:54

Have you tried taking dogs to pet groomers or giving them a good bath before child visits?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2022 16:54

ConnectQ · 12/09/2022 16:52

I think people are missing the relationship side of things. The niece will end up being the one the other cousins aren’t close to, if they are regularly meeting up and she isn’t. Young children are very attuned to this sort of thing. It’s not about the niece being provided with alternative ‘fun’ or ‘entertainment’ . It’s about being a part of the same family experiences and so building those relationships based on those shared times together.

Surely the answer to that is that her parents regularly host the cousins to maintain the relationships?

Floralnomad · 12/09/2022 16:54

I’ve not read the whole thread but YANBU to keep the dogs . Have you tried the Petal cleanse wipes for the dogs .

diddl · 12/09/2022 16:55

ConnectQ · 12/09/2022 16:52

I think people are missing the relationship side of things. The niece will end up being the one the other cousins aren’t close to, if they are regularly meeting up and she isn’t. Young children are very attuned to this sort of thing. It’s not about the niece being provided with alternative ‘fun’ or ‘entertainment’ . It’s about being a part of the same family experiences and so building those relationships based on those shared times together.

But then surely it's up to her parents to organise meet ups with her cousins?

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 16:55

@tara66 yes we did try bathing them right before she came to visit.

OP posts: