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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

643 replies

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 15:20

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

OP posts:
kimchifox · 12/09/2022 16:04

Gemma doesn't come to the house but you arrange a regular meet up with the cousins at a local park / go for a pizza / meet in one of your siblings' / DHs siblings' houses from time to time. It's the only compromise imo - it's probably cheaper than a full deep clean of the house & carpets every time she comes round - and what are the dogs meant to do in the winter?! Freeze outside all day?

HTH1 · 12/09/2022 16:04

How did your brother phrase it?

I’m assuming he said something like “Hey @dogsdander, we would really like you to keep providing free childcare for us so we don’t need to bother making other arrangements (or paying) for our own kids. I know your dogs are part of your family who live with you and your son loves them but you should re-home them to facilitate my demands for freebies and I will guilt trip you as much as needed to achieve that. Thanks again, CF brother. P.S. can you also start paying my other bills and I’ll send you details of your decor I don’t like and want you to change”.

Laiste · 12/09/2022 16:05

I would not get rid of my pets to accommodate an allergy in someone who doesn't live in the house.

I think, while the niece is young enough to be hurt by this, the answer is to organise contact between the cousins out of your house more often than is happening now.

The whole family must be on board with this - and cut back on the amount of times cousins are dropped en mass over at yours.

Play centre/ball parks are good places for everyone to get together, for eg. Adults can have a coffee and kids can play.

KTKismet · 12/09/2022 16:05

People who adopt a stance like this amaze me by how entitled you sound because you don't like dogs!

To say pet owners like your brother should "consider the impacts on their human relationships"... They did, for their nuclear family. Beyond that no consideration is required.

It's your job to teach your children how to behave around dogs; I despair at people who pass on their irrational fears through fear-mongering to their children, so that they are hysterical around pets. 🙄 The more people I meet, the more I like my dogs comes to mind!

OP - you are not being unreasonable, it's sad that she's allergic but you're doing your brother a favour and shouldn't be expected to get rid of a member of the family. If he wants the free childcare to continue then let him pay for the new flooring and couches... Or just pay for childcare!!

AnotherForumUser · 12/09/2022 16:06

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2022 15:52

You do a lot for your siblings, nieces and nephews. On paper you would think they'd be grateful, but it's very common for gratitude to morph into entitlement. This is why your brother no longer feels gratitude for all the past times you have cared for Gemma, but does feel entitlement to future times when you would again care for Gemma.

I would refuse to re-home my dogs. They are sentient creatures with whom you have formed a mutual bond. It would not only be cruel to the dogs, it would be cruel to you, DH and DC. It was extremely unfair (and entitled!) of your brother to ask this of you.

It sucks for Gemma. But it's not your fault she's allergic to dogs, and it's not your responsibility to provide her with a dog-free place to visit. (Not - visit, not live.) Her parents will need to get their fingers out and provide 'fun' for her instead of endlessly delegating this to you.

Well said.
I'm sure you and your wider family can organise dog free events so your niece can be included but do not get rid of your dogs causing pain to your own family and children just so your entitled brother can continue getting free childcare. He can stick his hand in his pocket and pay for professional childcare.

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 16:06

@Imissmoominmama Logistically that would probably be very difficult due to size and location.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 12/09/2022 16:11

no i wouldnt give up my dogs

Georgeskitchen · 12/09/2022 16:12

Hell no you can't get rid of a family member!! It seems to me that you do an awful lot of free child care. 9 kids? You gotta be joking!!
Perhaps it's time you scaled back a little on ALL of this freebie child care you are providing and spend more quality time with just your DC and your dogs x

MichelleScarn · 12/09/2022 16:14

TiddleyWink · 12/09/2022 16:00

This is highly likely to happen. The OP’s son is an only child and the value of close cousin relationships is far greater to him than it is to them. I wonder how the OP would feel in that situation? Everyone is assuming that the siblings are just desperate for few childcare but there’s nothing to say they don’t all just love their kids having a great time together. Given the choice between moving that to a different house/having outings instead or watching one child be excluded and devastated I know which I would choose.

Sounds lovely and vindictive @TiddleyWink are you advocating that Gemma's dad would then not allow ops son to go to their house to spend time with the cousins there?

DaisyWaldron · 12/09/2022 16:16

Basically, you've got a choice of who you have in your house - your brother and his kids or your dogs. The situation as it stands isn't anyone's fault, and there's no perfect solution. Your neice's allergy will have an impact on your family whatever happens. You would be very unreasonable to expect to keep the dogs and have everything else stay the same - the family dynamics and relationships are bound to change, and your relationship with your brother might not recover. But you would probably also hugely resent giving up your dogs.

I think the best option is probably for everyone involved to accept that it's a shitty situation and to do some honest communication as a family to work out how you can still spend time together and be a part of each other's lives. Maybe that means other siblings (especially your brother) getting more involved in hosting. Maybe it means you doing more stuff outside your house, or restricting your dogs to certain areas of the house at all times and deep cleaning and sending the dogs to kennels or to say with a friend when your neice visits. Or maybe it does mean your brother drifting away from his siblings and spending more time with in-laws, or you rehoming your dogs after a period of consideration.

I don't think there is a right answer, but the reasonable one probably relies on the honesty and empathy of everyone involved.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 12/09/2022 16:17

Gemma's parents are hugely entitled to ask that.

However, could you find a way to do things so Gemma can feel involved once in a while?

GettingOrganisedNow · 12/09/2022 16:19

Yeah, I'd be keeping the dogs and scaling back the childcare a bit, to be honest, at least for anyone who's acting that entitled. You don't owe them free childcare just because you're related.

I've seen situations like this a few times, where it starts out "Oh, we're a lovely close family and the kids adore spending time together and you have to help out family", and it has ended badly every time. Gradually one person ends up doing most of the childcare, and the others start to expect it, and then the childcarer is expected to organise their life around it, and it just gradually spirals down. Just be careful that you're not starting to resent it, especially if they're making demands like "get rid of your dogs".

ChimChimeny · 12/09/2022 16:19

who bring animals to live in their homes don’t stop and consider the impacts on their human relationships

But OP didn't know (or anyone else) that gemma had an allergy until they already had the dogs by which point it was too late

bringbackveronicamars · 12/09/2022 16:21

"You want us to get rid of our pets, our beloved family pets, pets that we and our son absolutely adore, so we can provide free childcare for you? Really?"

And wait for their answer. It will be telling.

bellac11 · 12/09/2022 16:24

So she has never had any friends at all with dogs?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 12/09/2022 16:25

OP Try Petal Cleanse on your dogs, it worked for us, our DC is allergic.

PlanetNormal · 12/09/2022 16:27

YANBU. I’m allergic to cats, but I would never dream of suggesting that anyone else should get rid of their pets to accommodate my allergies. As suggested above, could one strictly dog-free room be the answer? You would need to deep clean the room and everything in it, of course, but it might work.

TolkiensFallow · 12/09/2022 16:28

Obviously don’t get rid of the dogs.

Getofftheladder · 12/09/2022 16:28

They are crazy to ask you get rid of the dog. Very entitled behaviour.

The only solution is that they start hosting more, or you all meet out and about and dog stays at home.

Glittertwins · 12/09/2022 16:32

The dad sorts out his own child's entertainment. She wasn't deliberately excluded, sadly it's just one of those things and asking you to get rid just because he wants her to come over is just ridiculous.
Is he willing to pay for you all to go out somewhere else instead? Bet he isn't, he like a the freebies.

LimeCheesecake · 12/09/2022 16:38

Oh dear, it sounds like your extended family have got so used to you providing childcare they now feel they have a right to it.

say no.

however look at the wider relationships - do the other siblings ever host when they have spare time to give you a break? If they can’t fit everyone in at once, do they ever repay the favour and sit for your son so you and dh get some time alone? Do they help each other out - or has the wider family decided because it’s the easiest for you to help, it’s only you who should do this?

what if the problem was you got a new job that meant you weren’t about as much, or had health issues that meant you struggled with a house full?

if your brother really cared about the realtionships not the free childcare, he’d be offering to host.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2022 16:39

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 15:53

@MrsWooster we've looked into the floors, but it costs a lot.

Maybe Gemma's parents can pay with the money you save them?

Pixiedust1234 · 12/09/2022 16:40

dogsdander · 12/09/2022 15:53

@MrsWooster we've looked into the floors, but it costs a lot.

I might have missed your response to my question.

How often do you send to the Groomers/bathe the dogs? It is known to help reduce allergies in people.

User47484739478474 · 12/09/2022 16:40

Keep your dogs.

my youngest Dd is allergic to cats so much so they've made her wheezy before, sometimes it's just runny eyes. Sometimes antihistamines work, sometimes not. we've never owned a cat but my mother and grandmother do, I wouldn't expect them to get rid of them. We just have to meet outside or elsewhere. Even them coming over is risky if they are carrying allergens on their clothes. But like I said they love their cats and I wouldn't expect them to part with them.

in your case, your children come first and they'd be heartbroken if your dog was deboned so please don't. All your siblings and in laws are lucky to have you having their children so often!

you could go round there to see her or plan outside activities.

FourTeaFallOut · 12/09/2022 16:41

He just watched his daughter have a fit the other day. That must have been really frightening. The whole situation is a bit sad, isn't it? I'd just cut him a bit of slack to let the dust settle before you parade the family about on aibu and listen to strangers tell your brother to fuck off and for you to get rid of your niece.

I'm sure he'll have a pause to think about how unreasonable his request is when the adrenaline has reduced and thinks of a better way forward.