for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

So what do you suggest they do? Take the dogs out the back and shoot them? For ONE child? And destroy 2 dogs, OP's childrens' hearts and OP and her partner?

If they won't rehome the dogs (which they should have done when they were cute just arrived allergic bombshells) then they need to stop being the fun house.

You might be right, that that will be the only solution here. Problem is, the other kids will hate her and resent her for it, and ostracise her. It will ruin her relationships with the other kids/possibly adults. It's not fair. I know. It's not her fault. Gemma has done nothing wrong. But that's the way it'll probably go.

However, having a quieter home with routine without all the unpredictability would be better for the dogs too. Dogs need routine and calm, and get stressed by what sounds like a very unpredictable and unstable and noisy home. So it would be better for the dogs to do away with it.

Op - I’m still harking on about this.

Do you like having young nieces and nephews over every night of the week for a few hours and sometimes on the weekend too.

providing snacks and sometimes dinner
Dealing with post school tiredness and rattyiness
Ensuring that all safe

Every night of the week? Don’t you just sometimes want it to be you and your boy, listening to how his day went and a quiet house?

Gemma had better get used to not going into lots of people's houses or is everyone expected to get rid of their pets so she can come round? Im afraid there a sometimes things in life that limit what we can and cannot do, this is one of them 🤷‍♀️

Except no one has told her to fuck off.

Unfortunately she has an allergy, which means she is one some level restricted on what she can do and where she can go. Shit happens, that’s life. OP can make reasonable adjustments, but fucking the family pets off to the shelter is not a reasonable adjustment.

@Doingprettywellthanks You are getting awfully weird about it, but like I said many many times already we enjoy it. Believe it or not we are able to have quiet time alone with our son during the week after they leave. We also don't have them over during the weekends.

Its such an important life lesson as a kid. I think you can usually tell which adults were not used to having to adjust in situations like this and its just cringe 😬 my friend is lovely but she's very much "but why can't you change your plans for me" because as a kid she just never had to work around others

Adjusting around spoilt brats? Nope. Making reasonable adjustments due to significant health needs? Yep.

Wow i seriously thought this must be a joke. Your brother is being absolutely beyond ridiculous. Entitlement overload. And how fucking selfish, unreasonable and heartless to ask you to get rid of your dogs!!

Actually Gemma wasn’t ‘there first’, because Gemma doesn’t even fucking live there. I imagine most people don’t make decisions in regards to their home to best accommodate those that don’t live there, over those that do.

I suppose by your standards every pub or shop that allows dogs in is ableist, every dog park and everyone that walks their dog in public areas. Hell, anyone that HAS a dog, because what happens if someone with an allergy wants to visit? I’m curious, is it ableism if someone has a guide dog, or does it cancel out?

Cat among the pigeons. I’m disabled & have a service dog. I’m now rather concerned about taking the dog out, with regards all these comments of dogs being just dogs or mutts ! Should I be worried when getting on a bus, train or even a lift. If the person next to me is allergic to my dog, would they then feel entitled to sue me because he’s just a dog!!! He goes to work with me & by law he is entitled to, so what then? I’m fortunate that it is my company, so to date I’ve never had a problem with colleagues etc., So I’m fucked if some of these people on here ever apply, as according to some he is ‘just a dog.’ Unfortunately have even had to part from a very dear partner because of ‘just a dog’.

Reasonable adjustment is not rehoming the dogs. Reasonable adjustment is meeting up somewhere else.

It is most definitely spoilt brat behavior to try and dictate what pets other people are allowed in their own homes, so as to best accommodate you.

👏👏👏

And its reasonable to adjust the method of how they meet up and when the family meet up because obvs its not reasonable at all to rehome pets when there are other very simple options

Not at all, I've been on mumsnet for years and dog threads are always weird and bring out some of the extremists 😂 as you can see most of us are, well, more levelled shall we say

Plus, well look at the thread, some of the comments are absolute gold so think some are just being a bit mischievous if you get me 😉

Thank you for the reassurance, came out in a cold sweat for a moment 😱

If someone has severe allergies in the workplace then there are two people with disabilities who need accommodating and it is up to HR and Occ Health to find a workable solution. You wouldn't be asked to not bring your dog and the person with allergies wouldn't be asked to work in an environment that harmed their health and wellbeing due to your dog being present. Typically they find one of the two people a different worksite / location so that both can continue to work.

When I get on a plane, I let them know at the counter that I can't be seated near an animal. I take medication and bring puffers in case my breathing is affected. So far, it hasn't been an issue. On trains and buses, if need, be I can get off if I need extra medical help or need to be away from the allergen.

The bottom line is, no one is obliged to make alterations to their home or living arrangements to accommodate someone who doesn't live there.

The situation is unfortunate for Gemma and perhaps can be alleviated by doing more things outside the house and making an extra effort to involve her in these, but if she can't go inside the house while the dogs are present, then she can't. Clearly as she's 8 it's up to her parents to explain this in an age-appropriate way and to manage her expectations

So rather than the brother stepping up and making his home the “fun house”, you see the choices are either banning all the kids or getting rid of the dogs?

madness.

the brother needs to take positive steps to enable his child to see her cousins. And the best way is for him to make his home the gathering point. It might take time, effort and money - but it will be worth it.

Oh please don’t worry!

Your dog is a vital part of your life, and I’m sure it is a life changer for you, as well as a dearly loved companion.

my friend has a guide dog, and he has been given back his freedom and confidence

It's really difficult.
Tbh I do feel for Gemma , it must be very upsetting for her to no longer come to your house and be with her cousins when up to now it's been a big part of her life.
I would definitely make a lot of effort to spend time with her and her cousins at other places. Your brother should be instigating this too.
In these circumstances I would also try and make throughly clean and put the dogs in a different room for just one day every couple of months or so to allow her to still visit.
But I wouldn't rehome the dogs.
There's no perfect solution.
I think honest and emphatic conservations are needed.

YANBU
I don't even like dogs particularly, and I say to keep it.

If you did get rid of the dog, then at some point it's going to become a bone of contention between family members. Either between you and your brother, or your son/possibly the other cousins and Gemma. The kids will believe that it's "Gemma's fault" that the dog had to leave, and resentment will set in. (It's obviously not Gemma's fault that she has the allergy, but children won't necessarily see it that way; all they'll do is equate Gemma/her allergy = dog leaving = Gemma's "fault").

On a practical note, there are products you can apply to the dogs' coats that reduce the allergens. This may have been mentioned before but I can't skim 25 pages of comments right now: Petalcleanse and Allerpet.
Both available online. They have some impressive reviews on amazon and don't have to be applied everyday.

I realise this may not be enough but possibly worth a try.
And keep your dogs.

No, people arent telling her to fuck off

They are saying meet ups now need to take a different turn and be at another location and the parents of the child should step up more to make that their home or another viable location instead of demanding others get rid of beloved pets from their homes

Im allergic to fish but havent told my husband or kid they not allowed it in the house
There are just rules about how we do things when they want fish - i cook first to avoid cross contamination
He cleans everything
If he wants that as takeaway, i get something else
Even guests wait for my food to be done if he cooks on the BBQ and there is fish involved - there is no straight up ban or in op case ' rehome your dog'