for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

So your brother wants you to prioritise his child over your family? No, not happening.

he needs to step and be proactive and change his life set-up and put his kids needs first, not expect everyone else to do it for him.

so meet-ups happen at his house and are dog free. Simple. His kid isn’t throwing tantrums and OP isn’t forced to get rid of beloved pets (which could really affect her, her husband and her son). But of course, that will take time, effort and commitment on the brother’s part. If he cares about his kid, he will do everything he can for her, not sit back and expect everyone else to make unreasonable sacrifices.

we have a similar situation, with a family member stating her allergies to dogs mean she can’t come to the house. Funnily enough, she is perfectly fine when it suits her to stay over! The dogs are not going anywhere. We are perfectly happy to meet elsewhere.

I feel sorry for your niece but your DB is wanting you to priority his daughter's happiness over your son's. You would have to make your own child unhappy to benefit your niece. No parent should do that. It would be a no from me. It sounds like you are a wonderful family member and I bet your brother really misses you taking his kid...

The dogs stay in their home - you can't have siblings dictating whether or not you have pet companions whilst providing free childcare to their children. The dogs are part of your family now and need to stay as such. Is the garden big enough for a summer house/garden room, somewhere Gemma could meet with her cousins away from the dogs? If not, meet elsewhere sometimes, the odd activity outside but Gemma, and her parents will have to learn compromise, not getting your own way all the time, and learning to live with allergies - not easy but they will get there in the end!

I am one of three siblings. My youngest sibling has a dog and my other sibling has a child with a severe allergy. The dog goes to the in laws and house gets 'de-dogged/cleaned' when child with allergy stays. Everyone happy.

@The1andonly11 as I said in my first post that is not something we can do regularly.

Cats, chickens, fish, our pets always have come before others outside of our house

If m 12 yr old had to give up her cat cos a cousin was allergic, you can bet she wont want anything to do with that cousin again. Id have been the same as a kid. The relationship would already be ruined after such demands

Pets are part of the family. No way would i be rehoming my pets to please someone who dont even live with us
Its up to Gemma parents to sort out ways to get around the allergy, NOT expect others to drastically change their life or rehome family members

So, what are you going to do?

It is totally your decision whether you have pets in your house. Yes it is sad for your niece but that isn’t your fault. You shouldn’t have to change your lifestyle or life choices because of the needs of someone who doesn’t live in your family home.

You obviously love your niece but you have been asked to do something quite horrible. I’m afraid you will need to go to her house and bring your fun with you. Has the child worn a decent mask?
I hope it works out without you making a massive sacrifice.

YABU - humans come first

Honestly, these comments and the people behind them are ridiculous. Yes, dogs are wonderful creatures, yes her son will be upset if they go, but maybe explain to him that the health of a child should come first, ALWAYS! And then maybe he will grow up into a decent person, instead of all these idiots who would be so casually cruel to a child.

The brother isn’t asking for ‘free childcare’ he’s asking for his daughter to be allowed back into the family social circle she has always known. They’ve clearly managed fine with childcare for months, but his daughter is obviously struggling with being discarded like she has.

OP, you have built a strong relationship and routine up with this child and made your home a safe, happy place for her to be with her family, and then you have ripped it out from under her feet, making it perfectly clear to her that you would rather have your dogs in your life over her. Dress it up how you will - the message is clear - she is less important to your family than those dogs are.

As someone else rightly pointed out, your “furbabies’ will happily settle into a new home and love their new family just as much as they love you. Your niece will probably remember and feel the rejection for life.

But you have made your decision so just get on with it Instead of seeking reassurance from strangers that you have done the right thing (you haven't) knowing fine well that you will always find the daft dog zealot’s to back you up.

Lets hope all these said zealots really are just ‘mothers’ to dogs and not kids. In which case, you’re on the wrong forum, (MUM’s) why don’t hop over to a puppy page so you can argue about raw food diets 🙄

Even ended it with ‘why are you on MUMSnet then’. Classic. As if plenty of mothers haven’t advised against rehoming the dogs 😂😂😂😂

I don’t have dogs, but thankfully I grew up knowing that animals aren’t disposable, and that their well-being is more important than someone else’s ability to visit your house a couple of times a week. OP has her own child to consider, one that actually lives there. She has an actual obligation to consider his happiness, whereas she has no duty to the niece.

My parents could have delivered as many pious lectures as they liked, wouldn’t have changed my feelings on having my beloved pets forcibly rehomed in order to accommodate a cousin that doesn’t even live there, and I can guarantee they wouldn’t have made me act in a welcoming manner towards the cause of it.

Not that she needs people to agree with her, but plenty will consider her to be doing the right thing in keeping the dogs. I doubt that your approval is required.

Oh do behave, its not ops child thats allergic otherwise obvs the dogs would have to go, the relationship can still be maintained, a balance can be found that keeps everyone happy, most importantly ops family unit, calm the fook down 🤣

I wouldn’t get rid of the dogs !
This is a really unfortunate situation and I think you’ve been extremely accommodating .

1. I think I’d plan more activities out of the house with the niece .
2. visit your brother’s home more often instead of niece coming to you .
3. regular grooming and bathing of the dogs will help reduce the amount of dander .
4. look into hard flooring options for the areas where the dogs are allowed . we have a dog and have Amtico through the whole of the ground floor ( carpet on stairs and upstairs) but Karndean is less expensive £
5. throws over all sofas and chairs which get washed ( I’ve got lots of cheap fleeces from Asda and Tesco ) before niece comes to visit because changing all seating for leather is a very expensive option.

Look at it this way.. our late queen do you think she’d have got rid of her corgis because she had a niece that was allergic? She’d say ‘oh dear what a pity she can’t visit but I look forward to seeing her soon where there aren’t any dogs.? (and your brother can pay towards it, she is primarily his responsibility). He is treating you like a doormat.
It’s been well researched and proved that children that do not have close access to dogs have a compromised immune system and suffer more from allergies. We have been living closely with them since the beginning of time and share our microbiome that gives us a hardy resistance to many pathogens. For the health of your children alone you should not even consider getting rid of them and for so many other reasons too numerous to mention.
you are obviously the salt of the earth generous and loving to a fault which is why you also love your dogs and other peoples children, don’t let his narrower spirit diminish you. Bless you. Stand firm and kind, like the queen.

Hell would freeze over before I got rid of my dogs over this and your DB is completely unreasonable for asking.

If the dogs go back into a shelter, what does the future look like for them? Lots of shelters are inundated right now. They’ll probably have some psychological issues as a result of being given up again, and there’s no guarantee they’ll be rehomed (or rehomed together despite the fact they’re now bonded). They may very well end up being put down, or have to spend their majority of their lives in a cage.

THAT is cruel.

Your brother is being really selfish and unreasonable in asking you to get rid of the dogs and I hope you never do that. Because you would be sending a message to your DC and to Gemma and others that animals are expendable and can be thrown out when not convenient. Dogs and cats are part of the family, as much as babies are. When you take them on, it is for life, til their last day when you see them cross the Rainbow Bridge. They are not like a toaster or microwave, or out of date PC console. They are living things with feelings and loyalty. I feel for your niece, but your brother is way, way out of line asking you to get rid of members of your family that you made a lifelong commitment to. You can see niece at her house or the park.

Wow I can’t believe how rude some replies are 😩 I’m very close to my family too and spend a lot of time with my nieces and I see them as my own children. I could never let any of them feel left out as I know when they’re older it is something that will affect them whether you care or not that’s another issue. My sister is allergic to my cat so I comb him twice a day and he NEVER goes in two rooms of the house so my sister has a space to go. We also have wood flooring as cat hair can get everywhere especially the longer haired ones like my cat. He is part of the family but so is a niece.

Cat hair travels through the ventilation system in a house. For someone with more severe allegies / asthma, there is no such thing as safe rooms in a house just because the cat doesn't go in them. That might work for a mild allergy but unless the rooms had separate ventilation systems - they are not safe rooms. I had major reactions to a cat in a completely different apartment in my building - it was an old building and while I had checked to ensure there hadn't been animals in the apartment I was moving into. It soon became clear that the apartments had enough shared ventilation that whenever the heat came on, I would have an allergic reaction due to a cat in another apartment.

I also once moved into an apartment (after checking to be sure there wasn't shared ventilation) and they told me it hadn't had animals. Turns out it had but since there had been a tenant in between who didn't have animals and it had been 'cleaned', they thought they could say it was clean. Thankfully there was another unit that opened soon after and I was able to move into that one.

When allergies trigger severe reaction and asthma attacks, you can't trust a safe room or any other mitigating effort, they just don't work. As an adult, I can control my coming and goings now, but as a child you can't do that. Recently there was a major milestone family event being hosted at a family member's house who has a dog. I chose to medicate and attend for about ten minutes to say hello and best wishes and deal with the allergies but that was because I knew I could leave right away again and have full autonomy and control over my life. Also as an adult I know my own body and how it reacts and when I need to get out.

I’d be polite if I was asked to make alternative arrangements, like going to their house or meeting at the park. Anyone who thinks that ‘can you rehome your pets?’ is a reasonable request to make is getting rudeness back. The fact that I’m capable of formulating a diplomatic response does not mean I would be inclined to extend one. They would indeed have to do with an Anglo Saxon shorthand.

What about the humans and other children that would be devastated about getting rid of the dogs? Don't they matter?

Nonsense. The niece will have many other ways to stay connected if her parents exert themselves.

OP is not obliged to cater to these entitled demands. Dog allergies are inconvenient but it's extremely rare that they are life-threatening.

Im quite surprised too! Yes care for animals is important but to treat a child like they are not cared for? These people must really have awful relationships with their siblings if they can’t see their children as important as their own. My sister and I are two different people but I would do anything for her children.

Your brother is being really selfish and unreasonable in asking you to get rid of the dogs and I hope you never do that. Because you would be sending a message to your DC and to Gemma and others that animals are expendable and can be thrown out when not convenient

Most humans are meat eaters and effectively believe that. They just make exceptions for a few lucky animals like cats and dogs. And even then, inconvenient pets often don't last long.