for not getting rid of dogs when niece is allergic?

[dogsdander]

My husband and I don't have to work that many hours and when we do they're from home so it puts us in a good position to help our siblings and watch their kids. My husband has 1 sister with 2 children. I have a brother, with 2 children. A sister with 3 children. I also have a younger half brother with 1 child. My husband and I also have a son. So 9 kids all together between the ages 4-12. They’re usually not here all at the same time, but they all do come over often. Sort of a mix and match depending on various schedules. They all seem to have a fun time (in their words we have the “fun house”) and our son loves to socialize with his cousins.

Almost half a year ago we got two dogs. All the kids were very excited and have enjoyed playing with them. Unfortunately we found out that my one niece (Gemma) is allergic to dogs. She’s never been around a dog much before so neither she nor her parents knew about the allergy. It is not just a mild allergy either. She doesn’t just get sniffles she actually started wheezing and had trouble breathing.

We have tried to do things to minimize allergens in our home. However it is very difficult because of our home is fully carpeted. Regular vacuuming did nothing. We got an air purifier and steam cleaned our carpets before she came over one time and kept the dogs outside for the day and it worked, but of course after a day the dog dander had gotten everywhere and we were back to square one. We decided this wasn’t a viable option to do on a regular basis because of the cost and the increased amount of wear and tear. It also leaves the majority of our house unusable while we waited for the carpet to dry.

My brother and sil (Gemma’s parents) have taken her to the doctor to try different medications to help with her allergies. The problem is Gemma already takes medication for a different medical issue and it interferes with a lot of allergy medicines. They’ve tried some other things suggested by her doctor, but nothing really helps.

My brother has asked that we get rid of our dogs because Gemma had a fit the other day. She’s upset that she hasn’t been able to come over to the “fun house” and play with her cousins all these months while they still come over all the time. My brother thinks that we are causing her to feel left out by not getting rid of the dogs.

I understand how unfair it must feel for Gemma, but neither me or my husband or son want to get rid of our dogs. They’re part of the family now. We have become very attached to them. Especially our son. He would cry his eyes out if they had to be given up.

It’s not like we can stop watching the other kids to make Gemma feel less excluded either. Our siblings don’t have it as easy as us and they need the help sometimes.

Oh wow that’s awful. Thankfully my sisters allergies are not that bad it’s manageable with an anti histamine.

I think people are being silly pretending this has an obvious answer. If the OP lived in a normal house and saw her niece every few months the decision would be obvious. But she's fashioned a 'fun house' (her words) where family members are over all the time and where missing out on that would be a big deal for any of them.

Going by her posts I expect she'll keep the dogs, but I don't envy her position.

I think some people are missing teh fact that OP isn't arranging or planning fun dates at her house. It seems more her house has an open door policy and lots of fun things and the kids come and go as they (and their parents) wish. That is a really easy way to host and to enjoy having family around and completely different from planning events at other people's houses or at outdoor places or other activity spaces. Those things require planning, often money, and a time commitment. Having kids over to your own house who are familiar visitors means you just go about your day while the kids play and you really aren't needing to put out time, money, energy, or additional resources.

So while I am not saying the dogs should be rehomed - many people seem to be suggesting that the Ops brother could arrange to have a similar scenario happen in other locations but that isn't the case. You can't replicate that OP has happening in her home and the nieces and nephews coming are getting something that no one including Gemma's parents can create for her. Yes, that is the reality and touch shit for Gemma but just call it what it is. She is excluded due to her disability. Just like if Gemma was in a wheelchair and the house wasn't wheelchair accessible so she stayed home while all the other kids had fun. It is social exclusion due to a disability. And yes, not uncommon for people with disabilities to experience that exclusion.

What an incredibly sad situation.

The fact is, your pets are more important to you than your niece. I'm really not judging you for it, but there's no point in pretending that isn't isn't the case, because your brother and niece will clearly see it for what it is.

And I completely agree with @Midlifemusings

Yeah, so my brother would never ask me to rehome my pets. I’d consider the request itself indicative of a shitty relationship.

it’s a shame for the niece, but it’s no one fault. Her father can arrange for her to see her aunt and cousin either at his house, or somewhere else where dogs aren’t present.

Even outside of the commitment she made to the dogs, I imagine her child and husband’s feelings coming into it also, as no one wants to get rid of the dogs. It’s hardly shocking that someone would value the feelings of those that actually live in the home, over someone that visits.

This is quite extreme. I know few people who are as close to their nieces and nephews as their own children. My DP has a perfectly fine relationship with his sibling and is found of his DN's, sees them every few weeks, but it is nowhere near that deep. The idea that anything less than "as important as their own" equals an awful relationship is a bit much.

I doubt that anyone is pretending anything. For some of us the answer is obvious.

many people seem to be suggesting that the Ops brother could arrange to have a similar scenario happen in other locations but that isn't the case. You can't replicate that OP has happening in her home and the nieces and nephews coming are getting something that no one including Gemma's parents can create for her

there is no reason why Gemma’s dad could not make the commitment to create this for her in her own home. It might take a financial commitment, but people have suggested it’s ok for OP to change her flooring (expensive), build a playhouse (expensive) get dogs groomed more often (expensive and it’s not good to wash dogs too often). The other siblings could also step up re hosting kids.

instead, he wants the OP, who is already incredibly generous, to change her and her family’s lives. He needs to do everything in his power for his kid, not expect his sister to rearrange her life.

Exactly this!!

All the vegans put your hand up???

And we all bow to your infinite wisdom. Apparenly it still eludes the OP.

Meeting their niece outside of the house at a park or somewhere nice is not "treating a child like they are not cared for" you are being irrational. There is never an excuse to treat an animal like disposable garbage, and if you did you wouldn't be a good role model for children anyway.

I would raise your standards as to what constitutes wisdom, because this really doesn’t qualify. ‘No’ to this request doesn’t require any great insight or thought, with or without ‘fuck off’ as an addendum.

Why? Not a vegan but a vegetarian that eats eggs laid by my own chickens. However, you clearly you don’t need to be vegan in order to bond with pets, anymore than bonding with some people means you have to bond with all of them. Unless you’re being deliberately obtuse, it’s quite evident.

That’s okay. In my culture, it’s normal to consider ALL children of the family.

I hardly think the intention is to go out of their way to replicate the ‘fun house’ in a park on a regular basis. Time with family means more to kids than you realise.

Because you would be sending a message to your DC and to Gemma and others that animals are expendable and can be thrown out when not convenient

I imagine at least some of the family eat meat or at least animal products.

Anyway, having a pet at all is exploitative.

That isn't the issue though, I am sure if the OP's own son had allergies, the dogs would have been rehomed. But this isn't her own child.

This thread is amazing somehow veganism has been shoe horned in 🤣 stop giving us a bad name ffs

And I’m sure we’re all very happy for you.

Thank you, it means so much to me

As a child, I carried my cat with me into a bomb shelter. I can assure you the bonds children can form with animals are also more important than you realize.

Excellent. That’s Wednesday’s ‘be kind’ quota filled then.

Honestly, this thread is a perfect example of how batshit MN is. You’ve got half the posters telling OP to rehome her pets so that she can continue providing, FOR FREE, what Gemma’s parents evidently can’t be arsed to do. Because Gemma is A CHILD and that takes precedence over absolutely all else.

Except for some reason that logic doesn’t apply to Gemma’s own parents, who apparently have no obligations in this scenario whatsoever.

I dread to think what half of you are like in real life.

You miss the point completely