Shall I just send him in without a nappy ?

[ohidontknownow]

We've been potty training for a while.

I've followed some books which get you to try bare bottomed for a few days and then move on to wearing leggings etc. We have tried this a few times now. Once for almost a week. Then waited a few weeks and tried again for a weekend.

The result is always the same.. he doesn't want to go in the potty or toilet and holds his pee until he bursts.

Then Monday comes around and I need to send him to nursery and I put a nappy back on him because he needs to go to nursery and I feel like he's not ready to be sent with no nappy because he hasn't progressed.

I think it's confusing for him, sometimes he has a nappy, other times he doesn't. Shall I just ditch them ? He will learn eventually that way.

He knows how to say he needs to go, tells me he needs to go- before he goes. It's just that last final bit of actually going that he is struggling with.

I know people will say he's not ready etc. But I think he just needs to learn. He's between 2 and a half and 3 years old now. I don't want to wait another six months and have the same issues. Maybe he just needs to push through and the fact that we keep going back to nappies is the problem.

Any advice appreciated, thanks.

See I look at it completely the other way round. We ween children at 6 months, we aren’t ramming a spoon down a child’s mouth but enforcing the message that they are of an age where solids are introduced. If they don’t eat one day fine but I won’t remove food until months later when “ready”.
Of course there are more stubborn kids who object to change but a lot of the time I think “not ready” is code for “parent can’t be bothered because it’s urine and poo related”. Also if your child attends a school nursery they very much need to have mastered the toilet by 3.

Just because you want him to learn, doesn't mean he's able to learn. That's not how toddlers work. You've got plenty of time still. I'd personally leave it until Christmas, and try again during that Christmas-New Year break.

One of mine was like this, what I did was put a nappy in the potty so they were weeing into a nappy it just wasn't on them. It made a big difference.

Then I admit the next bit was bribery as child wanted a toy and I said I couldn't afford it as I was buying nappies but when I didn't need to spend money on nappies I would definitely buy it and never needed nappies again. I'm sure that is frowned on but it was true.

I have never understood the pressure to have children trained earlier and earlier.

Its not earlier and earlier though, 2.5 is a completely normal age to TT. In fact children are getting TT later and later, in the past, no one thought "so long as it happens before starting school" it's fine.

Wait til he’s ready is my advice. My son is now five and has ASD. He started school last September and was still in pull-ups. Around January he began using the potty at home, this carried on a while at weekends and evening to the point I messaged the TA and said I think he’s ready to use toilet at school, she said pack him spares in case and she ensured he knew where to go etc at school. He’s not had a single accident at school. A couple of weeks later he began pooing on the potty because before he waited til he had a pull-up on at bedtime. He also managed to learn how to wipe successfully within about a week so we always have a very clean boy and no dirty marks in underwear. He’s very confident now but before when we tried he just wasn’t ready to grasp it. Nursery or school will support you when your child is fully ready but I think if your child isn’t ready it will just cause a lot more upset for them excess washing for you as well

Mine wasn't ready at that age. We waited until he'd just turned 3 and he cracked it in two days with no trouble at all.

Id say 100% not ready

I know it can be frustrating.
Our dc was the same.
Then one day he saw a boy having a sneaky wee in the park ! From then on he was dry day amd night. ! We had tried all sorts. He went from nappy to loo , didnt want to use potty at all.
Dd showed intrest in potty.ds no way .

Boys tend to.mature later. It will happen all.of a sudden .

Stick him back in a nappy (or sounds like you use pull ups anyway), try again in a fortnight without a big fuss.

My eldest was a disaster. Gave up as had family staying and it was miserable weather and couldn't face taking him out of layers of clothing every two minutes.

The Monday they left (he was over three by now and it was panicking) I sat him on the potty and he pretty much got it immediately from there on in.

Honestly it can suddenly click in a really short time frame.

Give you both a break and then just try it. If there's no progress at all put it back another fortnight.

I had friends that persisted at 18 months and were delighted to make such early progress but their accidents carried on way longer.

It's not a race and they are all different. My daughter was totally dry by her second birthday but she's a very different child

My son went to school nursery in pull-ups aged 3, he was the only one. I'd been trying allllll summer holiday, every trick in the book. He didn't "get it" until 3.5, he just wasn't interested and he'd get so stressed and upset at being pushed. Nursery were fine with it. By reception he was same as everyone else and used the toilets fine.

If you tried for a few days and there was no improvement then try again in a few months.

I was going to say the same. This happened with my son and I left it a few months and tried again, he was dry day and night within a week the second time as he was that little bit older and ready

It's easy to say "when they're ready it'll be easy", but it's sort of bullshit. Ready by what definition? Physically able to hold their bladder and understand their body's signals is only part of it. Even being cognitively able to understand that they wee in the potty now is not the whole picture. If he is distressed by the idea of using a potty rather than a nappy, which is after all how he's always done it before, then that's really valid. It's frightening to have the goalposts moved on such a basic part of one's life, especially when suddenly there's shame and dirt involved, so maybe this is your time to take a pause. Talk about potty training, look at books, give him lots of affirmation and positive attention etc etc, but don't try again yet. Just work on helping him feel confident with the idea of it.

Mine was exactly like yours the first time we tried. She understood perfectly that wee went in the potty, and when she needed to go, she just really didn't want to (and why should she), so forcing her to keep trying was really traumatic - like yours she would just hold it in huge discomfort until she absolutely couldn't any more. She'd scream with pain rather than have a wee. It was awful and nursery advised us to stop, although we would have done anyway.

Do stop and try later. We waited another 6 months or so. Even then it wasn't entirely plain sailing - a lot of wee accidents at first - but she was cognitively in a much better position to try weeing in the potty, and it absolutely didn't feel like we were traumatising her which it had the first time round. She was confident and communicative. She had a star chart but after about 10 days she told us firmly that she didn't need it. She's been totally dry ever since.

Good luck! And solidarity x

I would advise you don't send him into nursery without a nappy. I work in a nursery and unless a child is actually ready to be potty trained it is really hard work for the staff. I think you have confused him with trying too hard. He wasn't ready at the start and I would now put him back in nappies and try again in a couple of months. Still offer the opportunity to sit on the potty or toilet at nappy change but don't force it and don't leave the nappy off. Take all pressure off for the time being.

The way I see it, either you're prepared to endlessly clean up accidents with a smile on your face and a gentle "never mind, maybe next time", or you postpone it and try again later. If you're getting stressed by the accidents and nursery staff are also likely to be stressed by the accidents, then you're probably going to communicate that stress to your DS which is not going to be a good thing.

I also think he really hates it when he has accidents. Especially poo accidents, but even just when he pees himself and then I need to clean him up.

It's like a tragedy for him with the poo, because it gets messy. I almost feel like that's why he is reluctant. He had accidents early on and the cleaning him up process shocked him. Especially one time when he was just two. He had been consistently going in the corner to do poo poo and he kept touching his nappy so I just took it off and poo went everywhere. He was so upset about it.

Also when he pees himself he gets so upset and hates it. So he basically only lets go to pee or poo if he forgets OR if he can't hold it at all anymore. It's really sad. He just needs to connect that if you do it in the potty, there's no mess. Recently we had a couple of weeks of a break from trying and one night he randomly came to me and said he wanted to do a poo poo in the potty. So I took his nappy off and he just did the hovering thing for an hour and a half. I know he's not ready, but he's really close I think. He talks about it all the time. I'll give him a break now, but he does compute it, he just hasn't made the connection.

How do you respond when he has accidents?

I suspect nappies and wipes will be the next thing to shoot up in price, and then all the "wait until they are 3.5/readiness" stuff will fly out of the window.

It sounds like you are not looking for advice but confirmation of your own opinion. The resounding response has been that he is not ready, and what you describe about him holding his wee in and pacing, etc. sounds distressing for him. Everyone I know that pushed it had an extended potty training, whereas those that simply waited until the child showed signs of readiness (beyond recognizing the urge) were done in a matter of days. He’s going to do it in his own time regardless, so you’re just making it more painful for him and you by insisting that now is the time.

I feel so sorry for this little boy :( I know you mean well OP, and you probably feel hideously pressured but I echo what other posters are saying, please relax and let him get there in his own time. He probably needs a longer break than a month as well otherwise the whole thing is going to become really traumatic.

I move him onto the potty and explain that's where we do pee pee. I then give him big cuddles and tell him he's doing really well and I am proud of him for trying and that it takes time to learn something new.

Not really.. i said I would give a break didn't I. I also sent him in with nappy today. I am all ears.

In fact if anyone asks me and berates me about it, I will tell them to F OFF. ( as in family ). I will tell them to get lost. Do they want him to get a UTI ? He's not ready and it's not because I'm lazy, he's just not quite there yet. People love to blame parents for being lazy about this. I have been anything but lazy. It's just not time yet.

People love to blame 'lazy' parents for lots of things, OP - this is just the start of it!

Do what is right for your DS and for your family and tell everyone else (including wider family) to get lost with their opinions on matters which don't concern them.

It's not going to matter in the long run whether your DS trains by 3 or at 3.5 - it's far more important for his development that he is happy and not stressed and that he has a happy, non-stressed parent.

Good for you! Your child, your rules and you know your child best, they don’t. It’s not a competition!

I didn't mean 2.5. That is obviously normal and what I was advised by a health visitor. I meant in general it is now discussed much earlier. A friend tried to train her 16 month old and I've seem parents holding a 9 month old over a potty. Just let them be little and they'll train when it's the right time for them.