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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just send him in without a nappy ?

208 replies

ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:13

We've been potty training for a while.

I've followed some books which get you to try bare bottomed for a few days and then move on to wearing leggings etc. We have tried this a few times now. Once for almost a week. Then waited a few weeks and tried again for a weekend.

The result is always the same.. he doesn't want to go in the potty or toilet and holds his pee until he bursts.

Then Monday comes around and I need to send him to nursery and I put a nappy back on him because he needs to go to nursery and I feel like he's not ready to be sent with no nappy because he hasn't progressed.

I think it's confusing for him, sometimes he has a nappy, other times he doesn't. Shall I just ditch them ? He will learn eventually that way.

He knows how to say he needs to go, tells me he needs to go- before he goes. It's just that last final bit of actually going that he is struggling with.

I know people will say he's not ready etc. But I think he just needs to learn. He's between 2 and a half and 3 years old now. I don't want to wait another six months and have the same issues. Maybe he just needs to push through and the fact that we keep going back to nappies is the problem.

Any advice appreciated, thanks.

OP posts:
Whinge · 12/09/2022 07:28

Another one saying he's just not ready. Forcing him is just going to lead to an upset and confused child, with a negative association to the toilet / potty and more problems further down the line.

Take a step back and wait another few months. When they're ready it takes a few days at most, it shouldn't be a stressful experience.

Glenthebattleostrich · 12/09/2022 07:29

If you want staff to hate you go ahead!

Boys are often slower to train for some reason. Take a step back, go back to letting him see you and dad use the loo, when he gets home do bare bum time and build it up. Let him use an ipad or something while he's sitting on the potty (make a positive association) and give him a sticker for his chart for trying and 2 if he manages a wee on one.

But please don't send him to nursery without a nappy. As a former childminder, I am currently saving to replace carpets which have been destroyed by smalls weeing on them. And there is the hygiene issue of weeing / pooing in play spaces for the other children.

ChagSameachDoreen · 12/09/2022 07:30

Why are you forcing him into potty training before he's ready? It can cause issues.

keeprunning55 · 12/09/2022 07:32

My ds wasn’t ready then i waited until a day or two after being 3 and he was dry within days. Just wait a little while longer.

Original poster
ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:33

I think there are three approaches to potty training.. one that takes ages- the one we are doing, because perhaps he's not ' ready '. Then there's waiting until he is a bit older, when he might get it quicker. Then there is waiting until hes a bit older and having to go through all this anyway, because this will be how he learns for some reason. There is no guarantee that in six months it will be different. I know children where it wasn't different and still took months to potty train and they were not confident when they were at school and this is not good for their self esteem. That's what I'm worried about. It could take ages anyway and he the same, even if we wait. I guess I don't know.

What makes me think we should wait is the UTI issue.
Will send him in with a nappy and try again in a month.

OP posts:
keeprunningupthathill · 12/09/2022 07:36

ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:33

I think there are three approaches to potty training.. one that takes ages- the one we are doing, because perhaps he's not ' ready '. Then there's waiting until he is a bit older, when he might get it quicker. Then there is waiting until hes a bit older and having to go through all this anyway, because this will be how he learns for some reason. There is no guarantee that in six months it will be different. I know children where it wasn't different and still took months to potty train and they were not confident when they were at school and this is not good for their self esteem. That's what I'm worried about. It could take ages anyway and he the same, even if we wait. I guess I don't know.

What makes me think we should wait is the UTI issue.
Will send him in with a nappy and try again in a month.

I've only just potty trained my ds, he is 3 and nine months. I tried a few times but exactly the same issues you have, it's like he couldn't work out how to 'let go' on the potty. When he did get it he got it straight away, he's not wet himself at all and been in pants two months now. He will get there, but you need to pause for now and try again in a few months. DD was just turned 2 so it felt late but they are all different.

Beees · 12/09/2022 07:38

That's what I'm worried about. It could take ages anyway and he the same, even if we wait. I guess I don't know.

You're catasrophising a little here. Chances are in 2 or 3 months time he will potty train with absolutely no issues at all and everything will be much less stressful. I don't get the logic that because he might struggle in future you keep putting him in such a stressful situation now? Confused

Original poster
ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:41

It's annoying because relatives always ask and when I explain, they just say I need to keep going. No one ever says stop. I always say stop and feel like they think I am lazy and giving up. I've stop and started a few times now and decided he isn't ready and they always turn their noses up a bit because they all potty trained by two years old. We don't have toilet issues from being trained younger.

OP posts:
Rooiboss · 12/09/2022 07:41

Rather than asking him ‘do you need the potty?’ Which they tend to just say no to, until they have an accident, say ‘let mummy know when you need to do a wee/poo so we can put you on the potty/toilet’ and back off from constantly pestering them to use the toilet/potty. One or two accidents are normal, never get cross at them having an accident. Get those huggie training pants that don’t absorb the wee so quickly to make them
concious of going to the toilet, then it’s not as much of a backward step putting the nappies on.

BabyDreamers · 12/09/2022 07:42

Yabu. Book annual leave for a week and you try it for the week and if he gets on fine then send him in without a nappy. If he keeps weeing himself you know he still needs a nappy.

Original poster
ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:42

Beees · 12/09/2022 07:38

That's what I'm worried about. It could take ages anyway and he the same, even if we wait. I guess I don't know.

You're catasrophising a little here. Chances are in 2 or 3 months time he will potty train with absolutely no issues at all and everything will be much less stressful. I don't get the logic that because he might struggle in future you keep putting him in such a stressful situation now? Confused

It might just be how he learns it and is something that needs to be pushed through, either now or later. I won't know.

I will leave it a month and see how it goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:43

BabyDreamers · 12/09/2022 07:42

Yabu. Book annual leave for a week and you try it for the week and if he gets on fine then send him in without a nappy. If he keeps weeing himself you know he still needs a nappy.

I've done that already haha. Didn't get it.

OP posts:
Illputitonmytodolist · 12/09/2022 07:43

He is clearly not ready. Do not push it. I made a lot of attempts with DS. Every few months. But he was simply not ready. At exactly 3 years old we tried again, he had 1 single accident and then never again. Something clicked and potty training went super smooth.

Original poster
ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:45

Illputitonmytodolist · 12/09/2022 07:43

He is clearly not ready. Do not push it. I made a lot of attempts with DS. Every few months. But he was simply not ready. At exactly 3 years old we tried again, he had 1 single accident and then never again. Something clicked and potty training went super smooth.

It may have helped that you tried before though.

He already knew what was expected on some level.

OP posts:
sleighbellsjiggling · 12/09/2022 07:45

I echo not ready. DS was 3.5 and I had tried loads of times. Eventually he got it himself and rarely has an accident now. I waited until the school holidays when he could just wear pants or nothing for a few days which was far easier.

He'll get there.

Beees · 12/09/2022 07:46

It might just be how he learns it and is something that needs to be pushed through, either now or later. I won't know.

I will leave it a month and see how it goes.

The trouble is he's making the association that learning to potty train means he holds his wee to the extent he's uncomfortable, stressed and possibly gets a uti. That's not what you want him to be learning.

Leave it a few months not just 1 week and let him have the chance to forget all the stress. He won't be in nappies forever and right now all you're doing with the contestant stopping and starting, even though you're not meaning to, is making the whole thing so much harder.

Whinge · 12/09/2022 07:46

It might just be how he learns it and is something that needs to be pushed through, either now or later. I won't know.

No child needs to be pushed through toilet training. When they're ready it takes a few days and isn't stressful. Why would you force your child to go through a stressful experience every month just to try and please your family? Confused

CJsGoldfish · 12/09/2022 07:48

It's annoying because relatives always ask and when I explain, they just say I need to keep going
My mum was a bit like this. Apparently I was 'trained' by 2. Of course, it took ages and being 'punished' for wetting the floor was the norm. (standing on the towel on the puddle)

I have 4 children and it was genuinely a breeze. Each were out of nappies at different ages ranging from 2 - 3yrs 9 months and my mum later acknowledged that 'my way' was so much better. I simply waited until they were ready.
Don't be discouraged by others, especially those who probably toilet 'timed' rather than trained. When they are ready, it's not hard, I promise

JubileeTissues · 12/09/2022 07:48

You're meant to do it in the holidays. Wait until Easter. He's clearly not ready so why go through it all again in a month?

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/09/2022 07:49

If he’s not ready he’s not ready. By all means keep trying if you want to, it’s your parental decision. But, after working in nursery with toddlers and kinder age for many years and being a parent myself it is sooooooooooo much easier to toilet train when the child is ready.

Toilet training b4 a child is ready causes so many issues with stress, anxiety, about going to the potty/toilet that it just makes toilet training take so much longer with accidents such as wetting or pooing in pants happening even when child is older.

What I’ve seen works from other parents, nursery workers and my own experience as a parent:

Look for signs of readiness.

Discuss with dc and listen to them. Are you ready to try to do wee on the potty?

Read picture books with characters that go to the potty or toilet training.

Make it fun! And be patient.

Rewards for doing wee on the potty.

In addition to the above: I bought 2 potties, 1 for her toys to sit on the potty with her or to play with in her room and 1 potty for her to sit on.

Children learn and make sense of the world through pretend play or role play. So, use that.

The reward system I used was a fun lucky dip where she got one surprise, small toy (like a toy car) for a wee and two for a poo.

She was 3 and she said she was ready and it went very smoothly and easily.

Over the years, every time I’ve seen/looked after a child who is being toilet trained on their parents schedule rather then on the child’s readiness, (and we are toilet training them during their nursery hours), it never goes smoothly. The child refuses to go to the toilet, becomes upset, has frequent accidents or holds on.

I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear.

Illputitonmytodolist · 12/09/2022 07:49

ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:45

It may have helped that you tried before though.

He already knew what was expected on some level.

Show quote history

DS was going to nursery as well. I alsways tried during weekends or long weekends. Honestly if they have accident every single time during a weekend while you are watching like an hawk, they are are simply not ready to go to the daycare without a nappy! This would be only embarassing for him and disruptive for the daycare.

mummyh2016 · 12/09/2022 07:50

He's not ready. I tried DD at 2yr10 months and she didn't get it. Tried again 6 weeks later and it clicked. Just because he doesn't get it now doesn't mean he won't get it in a few weeks.

Original poster
ohidontknownow · 12/09/2022 07:52

I actually forgot to add a crucial point.. the time we took several days off to train, by the last two days he actually stopped holding his pee and just wet himself. So that was progress. Then I had to send him back to nursery and that progress was for nothing, because when I then tried again about a month later, he started holding the pee again.

OP posts:
BloodyCamping · 12/09/2022 07:55

stop The madness and let him be. He’s only little and clearly not ready if it’s not happening quickly

Whinge · 12/09/2022 07:56

the time we took several days off to train, by the last two days he actually stopped holding his pee and just wet himself. So that was progress.

Progress Hmm

This all sounds so stressful. He's a little boy who is confused and anxious about going to the toilet. Why are you forcing him to relive that anxiety and stress every month rather than waiting until he's ready?