My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To boycott MIL’s Sunday Dinners

183 replies

Cantbebotheredanymore · 11/09/2022 19:56

It’s a story as old as time, DIL and MIL don’t get along. But I’m tired, and so so over this shit.

Ive been with DH for 10 years. MIL was super hostile in the beginning (you’re taking my eldest son away waaaaah) and we had a semi frosty relationship for a few years but the past 5 years we’ve had a decent relationship. Not going for coffees and spa days etc, but can speak cordially when left alone together and have a mutual love of certain hobbies.

Then I got pregnant :)

Tbf, she was brilliant during my pregnancy which had some challenges. Very respectful and caring.

Then I gave birth… and the insecure, passive-aggressive witch arrived.

Since giving birth last year, MIL has been insufferable. She’s had FOUR kids, lest I forget, and she oversteps in every possible area of DC life.

There is far too much to list but tldr, every Sunday her adult children and grandchild are summoned for Sunday dinner.

She isn’t like this everytime, but maybe once a month she’ll be “on one”. Making sly digs at me, suggesting my child isn’t clean/fed/happy. Eg…

“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

“ what?!? You don’t give DC a bath EVERY night?! Ive raised FOUR kids and in my day….”

“oooow you want nanny don’t you /grabs child from my arms/ come to nannnnnnyyy”

And so on. Obviously I have raised this with DH and to his credit he does acknowledge some of her neurotic behaviour (but chalks it up to love/enthusiasm) “she doesn’t mean any harm” we’ve argued about it at times, and he’s pulled her up on some of the less subtle things.

But for the most part, it’s very underhand. I don’t believe she is vindictive in nature but she is deeply insecure and wants to use my child to validate her worth and experience, and put me down to make herself feel like mum of the year.

Shes been through a lot but quite frankly I don’t give a fuck about her feelings anymore. I’m sick of coming home on a Sunday feeling angry and not able to vent. Today was really awful, she made about 5/6 jibes at me, and while most of them I shrug off because they’re actually ridiculous, the ones suggesting DC isn’t being looked after properly are starting to irk me. I do snap back occasionally but I don’t like her getting the satisfaction of knowing I’m bothered.

So, I want to stop going all together. AIBU?

(And if not, should I tell DH the real reason or just make an excuse as to why I can no longer go? He is in a difficult situation, and I don’t want him stressed about us not getting on. But DH can take DC on his own.

I’d much rather sign up for a pottery class on a Sunday and “sadly not be able to go anymore”, rather than say your mum’s acting like a passive-aggressive pos and she can shove her roast up her...)

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

942 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
9%
You are NOT being unreasonable
91%
EmmaH2022 · 11/09/2022 20:00

I think you should bow out, use the time to do something you want to do.

Trudij123 · 11/09/2022 20:01

I don’t blame you!! Maybe see about going less often rather than stop completely?

or thank her for all the wisdom and thank her for the offer of childcare so you can do something you’re good at and leave her to it for a few hours off a week 😉

Hymnulop · 11/09/2022 20:01

She doesn't sound that bad in fairness, I'd probably just suck it up. But I'll never understand people who have a roast every Sunday, we do loads on Sundays- theme parks, farms, walks, parks, swimming etc etc so I'd would definitely hamper our plans if we ever had to go for a certain meal at a certain time every week. Maybe suggest to dh you can all go once a month? Every single week is stifling.

Thehop · 11/09/2022 20:04

God quit her, definitely

YellowHpok · 11/09/2022 20:06

I'd tell your husband exactly why, and request that you spent Sundays from now on as your nuclear family doing what you want. Maybe 1 in 4 going to see nanny at a push.

Start the boundaries now or it will be harder to enforce as the DC get older.

If your husband doesn't like it then he can go on his own. Don't give her the satisfaction of the grandchildren.

Dacadactyl · 11/09/2022 20:08

What jibes did she make? I think you're being unreasonable personally and making things hard for your husband. You seem oversensitive if those 3 comments of hers are anything to go by.

forrestgreen · 11/09/2022 20:09

'Dh, I've reached my limit of putting up with your mums sarcastic comments to me. This week eg x and y. I know you were in the room and didn't support me.
I'll give you and her one more chance, so please speak to her beforehand to get her to stop. If she carries on, I'll pick my dc up and leave. It'll be up to you as to whether you're in the car when we leave. Then we won't go the next week as I don't trust what she'll say about me to my child. I'll try again the week after etc'

Holly60 · 11/09/2022 20:09

Could you just have a chat with her? Explain that her comments make you feel rubbish.

The fact that she isn't like it all the time makes me think perhaps it's a reaction to something going on in her life - maybe you could start by asking her if SHE is ok- might give you an in to be able to express that she is being unkind to you.

Are you ok MIL?

Yes why?

Just that I wondered if something had happened because you keep making negative comments to me.

Or if she says no she's not ok, she might appreciate that you've asked.


Does she make snidey comments to others? What is their take on it?

allboysmum3 · 11/09/2022 20:10

I would say to DH that you want to start doing a few other things on a Sunday and perhaps chest alternating visiting her house. Do every other Sunday or once a month. Can you not start organising to see other family and then you can let her down. If you go weekly; she will expect it and it then becomes very difficult to say no.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 11/09/2022 20:11

I’m looking forward to having grown up children who I can invite for Sunday dinner, but even once a month sounds a lot to me - maybe every 6 weeks 😂

pilates · 11/09/2022 20:12

I would not be going every Sunday for a start. Once a month may be more tolerable? Can’t you start making plans to do other things on a Sunday?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/09/2022 20:12

My MiL got worse over time, her treatment of me increasingly more & more hostile. I stopped going to visit with DH & kids & enjoyed some peace & quiet. (I dared to marry her baby boy, obviously wasn't good enough for him - think Mrs Brown's Boys).

If you are not there you don't have to listen to the jibes & sarcasm, or alternatively be ignored when DH is not in the room.

I would say although it's annoying she is at least paying some attention to your children. Mine got very little from their grandmother, although she played Nan of the Year to the outside world.

underneaththeash · 11/09/2022 20:12

Just go less often. Once a month? She’ll then appreciate you more.

Kanaloa · 11/09/2022 20:14

Hymnulop · 11/09/2022 20:01

She doesn't sound that bad in fairness, I'd probably just suck it up. But I'll never understand people who have a roast every Sunday, we do loads on Sundays- theme parks, farms, walks, parks, swimming etc etc so I'd would definitely hamper our plans if we ever had to go for a certain meal at a certain time every week. Maybe suggest to dh you can all go once a month? Every single week is stifling.

She does sound ‘that bad’ to me. If my mil said things like ‘you like nanny’s food not that food mummy gives you’ and implied I didn’t keep my child clean and cared for I wouldn’t like her. And I’d be questioning why her superior parenting led her son to be parent to a child who isn’t properly cared for.

LimeCheesecake · 11/09/2022 20:16

Book other things on Sundays? Like arrange to host a friend and their family for Sunday lunch in 2 weeks time, be invited over to your family. Arrange to go away for a weekend or two. Visit friends on a Saturday night in another town who’ll offer for you to stay over (and it would be harder pressed to be back for your mil). If someone else is suggesting a meet up, suggest a Sunday, put it in the calendar. Just not be free.

break the habit. Once a month should be more than enough.

Wibbly1008 · 11/09/2022 20:17

You have to stop going and stop DC going too . Don’t put your child in a toxic situation where his Nan is going to start saying nasty things about their mother in front of them. If DH can’t see this is damaging for his child and stick up for you, he can go on his own.

elizaregina · 11/09/2022 20:17

Definitely boycott them.

Say why
start to do other things on the Sunday as pp said Sundays are for days out!

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 11/09/2022 20:18

Very liberating to stop visiting ils ime!!
Yanbu to stop going.

NorthStarRising · 11/09/2022 20:18

DH takes his son to visit granny, you get a breathing space to be you.

It sounds as if having children was her Lifetime Achievement and so she’s reliving it as Matriarch and Grandmother. Which she can do with one less acolyte at her altar. Along with the snide comments. She can tell her son how to raise his child, or is that solely the wife’s responsibility in her eyes.
I went back to work and had a house husband when my first was months old, and again with the second. My MIL just couldn’t wrap her head around it.
Sometimes distance is key to maintaining a civil relationship.

Cantbebotheredanymore · 11/09/2022 20:19

Dacadactyl · 11/09/2022 20:08

What jibes did she make? I think you're being unreasonable personally and making things hard for your husband. You seem oversensitive if those 3 comments of hers are anything to go by.

Jibes similar to those above. Perhaps that’s normal chit chat for some and I’m being over sensitive, but I personally don’t appreciate her comments about DC and her behaviour.

More examples:

“You’ve not been looking at schools yet?” /pulls disgusted face/ (DC has just turned one btw lol)

“Awww look at DC’s /cute feature/ she gets that from Daddy NOT mummy… “

“Uhhhh poor baby you’re having to have formula now because mummy’s supply dried up…”

”I breastfed all FOUR of my children” 👀

I’m sorry, but it’s exhausting and annoying.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 11/09/2022 20:19

Send DH and dc while you do your class. Sounds like a win win

Dacadactyl · 11/09/2022 20:20

Wibbly1008 · 11/09/2022 20:17

You have to stop going and stop DC going too . Don’t put your child in a toxic situation where his Nan is going to start saying nasty things about their mother in front of them. If DH can’t see this is damaging for his child and stick up for you, he can go on his own.

Lol at some people on here!

Someone saying "you prefer nanny's food don't you" is not saying toxic, nasty things about the OP!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/09/2022 20:21

There's no way I could cope with that, even with my own parents. Once a month or every 6 weeks.

Bebabelouba · 11/09/2022 20:21

Bow out. Don't make a big deal, just start to do some of your own thing. Life's too short to be miserable every Sunday.
Things will surely change as dc do, I'm amazed you've managed to go with the every Sunday this far.

romdowa · 11/09/2022 20:22

If anyone suggested I was neglecting my child then I'd just up and leave and take my child with me. I'd say nothing either. She'd soon learn to keep her mouth zipped.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.