To boycott MIL’s Sunday Dinners

[Cantbebotheredanymore]

It’s a story as old as time, DIL and MIL don’t get along. But I’m tired, and so so over this shit.

Ive been with DH for 10 years. MIL was super hostile in the beginning (you’re taking my eldest son away waaaaah) and we had a semi frosty relationship for a few years but the past 5 years we’ve had a decent relationship. Not going for coffees and spa days etc, but can speak cordially when left alone together and have a mutual love of certain hobbies.

Then I got pregnant :)

Tbf, she was brilliant during my pregnancy which had some challenges. Very respectful and caring.

Then I gave birth… and the insecure, passive-aggressive witch arrived.

Since giving birth last year, MIL has been insufferable. She’s had FOUR kids, lest I forget, and she oversteps in every possible area of DC life.

There is far too much to list but tldr, every Sunday her adult children and grandchild are summoned for Sunday dinner.

She isn’t like this everytime, but maybe once a month she’ll be “on one”. Making sly digs at me, suggesting my child isn’t clean/fed/happy. Eg…

“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

“ what?!? You don’t give DC a bath EVERY night?! Ive raised FOUR kids and in my day….”

“oooow you want nanny don’t you /grabs child from my arms/ come to nannnnnnyyy”

And so on. Obviously I have raised this with DH and to his credit he does acknowledge some of her neurotic behaviour (but chalks it up to love/enthusiasm) “she doesn’t mean any harm” we’ve argued about it at times, and he’s pulled her up on some of the less subtle things.

But for the most part, it’s very underhand. I don’t believe she is vindictive in nature but she is deeply insecure and wants to use my child to validate her worth and experience, and put me down to make herself feel like mum of the year.

Shes been through a lot but quite frankly I don’t give a fuck about her feelings anymore. I’m sick of coming home on a Sunday feeling angry and not able to vent. Today was really awful, she made about 5/6 jibes at me, and while most of them I shrug off because they’re actually ridiculous, the ones suggesting DC isn’t being looked after properly are starting to irk me. I do snap back occasionally but I don’t like her getting the satisfaction of knowing I’m bothered.

So, I want to stop going all together. AIBU?

(And if not, should I tell DH the real reason or just make an excuse as to why I can no longer go? He is in a difficult situation, and I don’t want him stressed about us not getting on. But DH can take DC on his own.

I’d much rather sign up for a pottery class on a Sunday and “sadly not be able to go anymore”, rather than say your mum’s acting like a passive-aggressive pos and she can shove her roast up her...)

[Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday]

I wouldn’t commit to ANYTHING every Sunday. Just be less available, miss a few, get it down to 1/2 times a month max

[UWhatNow]

Wow I’m normally a MIL supporter on these threads but I’m afraid I’d have pressed the nuclear button way before now. She’s being openly rude and disrespectful and your DH is enabling it. I would no longer visit and I’d not want my DC being exposed to that passive aggressive shit either. She knows what she’s doing…

[weevil5]

She sounds annoying. Go once a month. You don't need to confront her as to why - she'll know she annoys you (and she'll spend lots of time moaning about your non attendance to the other siblings.) But I would avoid a big showdown- more wasted effort / heartache.

[Dacadactyl]

@Cantbebotheredanymore

Jibes similar to those above. Perhaps that’s normal chit chat for some and I’m being over sensitive, but I personally don’t appreciate her comments about DC and her behaviour.

More examples:

“You’ve not been looking at schools yet?” /pulls disgusted face/ (DC has just turned one btw lol)

“Awww look at DC’s /cute feature/ she gets that from Daddy NOT mummy… “

“Uhhhh poor baby you’re having to have formula now because mummy’s supply dried up…”

”I breastfed all FOUR of my children” 👀

I’m sorry, but it’s exhausting and annoying.

Just seen your update. Fair enough, some of those are a bit eyebrow raising. HOWEVER, I'd just say to her that you don't like some of the stuff she says and dial the contact back a bit. I wouldn't cut her off totally.

[motherofthelittlescreamingone]

@Dacadactyl

Yes it is pretty toxic tbh. Let me guess, you're a granny with a big mouth?

These kinds of comments are belittling to the OP and it'a a loaded situation where the OP isn't "allowed" socially in front of the rest of the family to say "actually, that's just not true. Now kindly shut up" but MIL is allowed to say whatever she likes and everyone has to be kind to her. Toxic.

[BeyondMyWits]

"She isn’t like this everytime, but maybe once a month she’ll be “on one”."

Once a month... wonder what happens with we women once a month?

[Irridescantshimmmer]

MIL is behaving as if she is jelous of you.

I do not blame you if you boycott the Sundays dinners, your kids should not be listening to her codswallop either, its not healthy.

[Dacadactyl]

@motherofthelittlescreamingone

@Dacadactyl

Yes it is pretty toxic tbh. Let me guess, you're a granny with a big mouth?

These kinds of comments are belittling to the OP and it'a a loaded situation where the OP isn't "allowed" socially in front of the rest of the family to say "actually, that's just not true. Now kindly shut up" but MIL is allowed to say whatever she likes and everyone has to be kind to her. Toxic.

And you're a touchy DIL are you?

FWIW, I'm a 37 year old mum and DIL myself.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

This is EVERY Sunday?

YA only BU for allowing this situation to arise in the first place. Patterns and precedents can be difficult to break once established, but her infuriating passive aggression has given you ample reason. Simply stop going. Weekends are precious and Sundays are a day for trips out to the coast/countryside/town or whatever. No need to be breaking up that valuable family time to fulfil some sense of misguided obligation.

Really, MiLs who do this are not very bright. It isn't a battle they can possibly win as it just puts the DiL's back up, and only ends in distance being created between them. However, in choosing to indulge in this sort of behaviour, she's also chosen the outcome. I'm not sure how people live long enough to become grandparents and still don't understand that actions bring consequences.

Drop the rope, and let your husband pick it up.

[HeddaGarbled]

Yes, agree with many previous posters: cut down but don’t eliminate.

[Wishihadanalgorithm]

Just stop going. No one can make you. What about seeing your own family on a Sunday, OP? What about doing something nice just with your own nuclear family?

I would stop going and tell DH why. I’d be keeping DC with you as well. MIL sounds vile. Why would you put up with this nonsense? Why should you keep the peace for MIL’s benefit? She sounds jealous and bitchy. Do not reward awful behaviour.

[Octomore]

@Hymnulop

She doesn't sound that bad in fairness, I'd probably just suck it up. But I'll never understand people who have a roast every Sunday, we do loads on Sundays- theme parks, farms, walks, parks, swimming etc etc so I'd would definitely hamper our plans if we ever had to go for a certain meal at a certain time every week. Maybe suggest to dh you can all go once a month? Every single week is stifling.

I'm with you on this. 1 in 7 days essentially wasted because you can't fit a decent day out around a roast dinner.

OP - definitely bow out, life is too short. Find an activity to use those days for instead.

[CuteCillian]

Awww look at DC’s /cute feature/ she gets that from Daddy NOT mummy…

I would prefer this to my MIL's "Well, looks like there is no (insert DH surname) in your genes" Wtf! So I conceived with someone other than DH did I?

I would reduce your lunches to every other visit and, when she makes a nasty jibe, always say loudly " I find that quite a hurtful/rude comment MIL". I found it wasn't long until my DC began to say " Grandma you are being a bit rude to Mummy" , and she soon stopped.

[Isaidnoalready]

I had a mil who would say you love nanny's cooking don't you! I said no-one cooks a chicken nugget like you lol honestly 😂 her face the following time she cooked a roast dinner he refused to eat any of it

I told her husband she needed to stop trying to compete with me im his mum she will lose out every time she sort of took it on board but I was the type to not take crap off her

[Shoxfordian]

Nothing wrong with an imaginary class to get you out of it but reframe this and recognise it as a pathetic attempt as a power grab or attention thing- dismiss it.

[wizzywig]

If she's so keen, let her babysit loads

[Cantbebotheredanymore]

@Wishihadanalgorithm

Just stop going. No one can make you. What about seeing your own family on a Sunday, OP? What about doing something nice just with your own nuclear family?

I would stop going and tell DH why. I’d be keeping DC with you as well. MIL sounds vile. Why would you put up with this nonsense? Why should you keep the peace for MIL’s benefit? She sounds jealous and bitchy. Do not reward awful behaviour.

Honestly, I have had weeks where I didn’t go because I just CBA. And DH will always say how much I was missed by everyone.

More context as to why I kept going, I don’t have a big family and so the family dinner thing is a really nice concept to me. I also really get on with his siblings, and enjoy their company. But they are all immune to her jibes, because it’s a different dynamic I guess as they are her kids, and don’t have grandchildren for her to “adopt” as her own.

If MIL was rude every time, it would be more of a clear cut boycott. But some weeks she’s actually nice to me, and then others like today she’s coming for my neck relentlessly.

I forget how awful she can be at times. You just never know which version you’re going to get with her.

[CandyLeBonBon]

I had a MIL like this. It's difficult to convey the insidiousness of it because it's never overt hostility- it's usually saccharine coated shit.

I'm afraid my exH was not in my corner so at least you have that. I'm afraid I got to the stage where I didn't care about offending her and was quite happy to stand my ground OP. It's a tough one.

Would dh be taking the dc without you?

[Goldbar]

I get on quite well with my MIL (who, unlike how yours sounds, is quite nice) but I think our relationship would falter if we had to see each other every weekend.

Space is key... and will probably improve her behaviour on the occasions when you do see her. Let your DH take your DC by himself.

[Cantbebotheredanymore]

Thank you for all the suggestions btw, I’m for sure not going next week. DH will take DC without me, and I’ll just say I need a break/time for myself.

[PinkButtercups]

@Dacadactyl

What jibes did she make? I think you're being unreasonable personally and making things hard for your husband. You seem oversensitive if those 3 comments of hers are anything to go by.

She's making it hard? Or the witch of a MIL?

[C8H10N4O2]

More context as to why I kept going, I don’t have a big family and so the family dinner thing is a really nice concept to me. I also really get on with his siblings, and enjoy their company. But they are all immune to her jibes, because it’s a different dynamic I guess as they are her kids, and don’t have grandchildren for her to “adopt” as her own.


When do you see your own, smaller family? Because every single Sunday as a MiL sacrifice isn't reasonable.

I don't buy that the siblings don't notice, its just easier for them to pretend its "jokey" and look the other way. Do none of them take their own partners?

Drop it to once a month, your DH is free to tell them why but if he can't then that is a separate problem altogether.

[billy1966]

Every sunday?

You are out of your mind.

Onceva month. End of.

You need to start doing things yourselves as a family.

It sounds like you like your husbands siblings, which is great, so start a pizza or curry night at yours.

Her behaviour is unacceptable.
So start cutting back on how often you have to endure it.

Perhaps if she sees a lot less of you, she'll find it easier to keep her tongue to herself.

If your husband raises it, you tell him that it is time you do things as a family together.

Once a month is enough if you irritate her so much.

[Cynderella]

I'd put up with it - family is what family is - but I'd compromise and just having the odd Sunday where I stay home. Then maybe every three or four weeks. I'd try to go at least once a fortnight.

[Agadoodoododont]

You had me at her first comment
“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

Totally, 100% unacceptable.
Im a granny and no way would I ever say anything remotely like that, she should never undermine you. I feel angry just thinking about it.

Id be telling her where to stick her Sunday roast :)