To boycott MIL’s Sunday Dinners

[Cantbebotheredanymore]

It’s a story as old as time, DIL and MIL don’t get along. But I’m tired, and so so over this shit.

Ive been with DH for 10 years. MIL was super hostile in the beginning (you’re taking my eldest son away waaaaah) and we had a semi frosty relationship for a few years but the past 5 years we’ve had a decent relationship. Not going for coffees and spa days etc, but can speak cordially when left alone together and have a mutual love of certain hobbies.

Then I got pregnant :)

Tbf, she was brilliant during my pregnancy which had some challenges. Very respectful and caring.

Then I gave birth… and the insecure, passive-aggressive witch arrived.

Since giving birth last year, MIL has been insufferable. She’s had FOUR kids, lest I forget, and she oversteps in every possible area of DC life.

There is far too much to list but tldr, every Sunday her adult children and grandchild are summoned for Sunday dinner.

She isn’t like this everytime, but maybe once a month she’ll be “on one”. Making sly digs at me, suggesting my child isn’t clean/fed/happy. Eg…

“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

“ what?!? You don’t give DC a bath EVERY night?! Ive raised FOUR kids and in my day….”

“oooow you want nanny don’t you /grabs child from my arms/ come to nannnnnnyyy”

And so on. Obviously I have raised this with DH and to his credit he does acknowledge some of her neurotic behaviour (but chalks it up to love/enthusiasm) “she doesn’t mean any harm” we’ve argued about it at times, and he’s pulled her up on some of the less subtle things.

But for the most part, it’s very underhand. I don’t believe she is vindictive in nature but she is deeply insecure and wants to use my child to validate her worth and experience, and put me down to make herself feel like mum of the year.

Shes been through a lot but quite frankly I don’t give a fuck about her feelings anymore. I’m sick of coming home on a Sunday feeling angry and not able to vent. Today was really awful, she made about 5/6 jibes at me, and while most of them I shrug off because they’re actually ridiculous, the ones suggesting DC isn’t being looked after properly are starting to irk me. I do snap back occasionally but I don’t like her getting the satisfaction of knowing I’m bothered.

So, I want to stop going all together. AIBU?

(And if not, should I tell DH the real reason or just make an excuse as to why I can no longer go? He is in a difficult situation, and I don’t want him stressed about us not getting on. But DH can take DC on his own.

I’d much rather sign up for a pottery class on a Sunday and “sadly not be able to go anymore”, rather than say your mum’s acting like a passive-aggressive pos and she can shove her roast up her...)

Refuse to go every Sunday.
i had a similar situation. I got the courage in the end to say to DH ‘she winds me up, I think it’s best to maintain a good relationship by stepping back’
I know generally feign boredom when my MIL starts. I yawn, and say ‘hmmm, that’s nice’ or ‘OK, everyone does things their own way’ and then check my phone or nails or stifle another yawn. I’d also laugh at some of the batshit (infuriating) things as though she was joking.
You have to refuse to rise, or find it funny.
a couple of times she overstepped the mark and I would pick up dd and say ‘right. That’s it. We’re done here’.
next time MiL interjects with some slow acting poison, cut in with ‘well yes of course, you have raised FOUR children’ followed by tinkly laugh.

Personally I think this is a bit like a first world problem in terms of love and relationships and motherhood. Your kid is not just yours. He is also the child of your father. In fact, your child is a stand-alone person. And his father's mother loves him to bits.

She has clearly tried hard to toe the line and not upset you. She has calmed down and you have had some kind of even keel of interaction. Now there is a third party - a child. Yes, you gave birth to the child. He is 'yours'. But honestly, a child is always a child of the family. I don't see eye to eye with my MIL but I am very respectful of her relationship to my child. Basically, without her, my child wouldn't be here. So I respect that.

Your MIL doesn't sound bad. Sunday lunch all bought and cooked and served and washed up afterwards? What a dream. And she just wants to be close to her grandchild. I kind of agree with her as well about the bathing. (sorry)) ... I think you should appreciate what you have in her. She doesn't live with you. She only means to offer helpful advice. I think you are not seeing what you have in her. I feel you should back down, be more gentle, listen to what she has to say.

I know this may not be a popular view, but it's what I think you should do.

Listen to her, respect her, care about her. She wants to do the same for you and your child, by the sound of it. But she will tell you some things you might not want to hear. It is totally up to you, but the nighttime ritual of bath and bed is very soothing. She has a point.

Refuse to go. As another said, I wouldn’t be giving her the satisfaction of a grandchild either; especially if she’s likely to give the same jibes without you present. She sounds ridiculous - I’d put it down to insecurity too, but it is toxic if it’s at a cost to you (and your child).

I wouldn't be going again and I also wouldn't be letting DC go. Why would you want your child to be around someone that is trying to undermine you? Who knows what she'll say to DC if you're not there.

I usually think MIL’s get an unfair deal on MN, but if this is as you say, YANBU. I honestly think I’d have burst into tears by now in front of her out if pure frustration and upset. She’s being unpleasant and cruel. I wonder what she’d say if her GC (in say 11 years time), told her she was being picked on/talked about in such a cruel way at a new school. She’s bullying you. I am sorry.

For your sanity you need to mix it up a bit. So some Sundays you all go, dome your dh send child go and some none of you go, just do your own thing.

As an aside: baby led weaning - don't do that at other people's houses. No one wants the mess all over their floors (unless they own a lab or similar greedy dog to hoover as the child goes).

I'm astonished at some responses saying she's not that bad! There are some real snide comments even if it only happens every so often.

I think you have two choices. 1. You call her out every time "Wow MIL, are you OK? Because its sounds like you think I'm an inadequate parent". Or 2. Change up your Sundays and go less often.

Sounds to me like she's been getting away with this behaviour largely unchallenged so it might be a shock if you do pull her up every time.

This.

Oh get over youself

TBH I wouldn’t want to be getting into the habit of doing the same thing EVERY week anyway.

Does your DH really want to go every Sunday?

Also unless DH is going to start calling her out on it then you need to be careful with letting DH take DC without you especially as they get older. If she says stuff like that in front of you, imagine what she would say when you aren't there.

You and your child need to be much, much less available on a Sunday.
Let DH go if he wants to.

Your husband needs to have your back a little more. No need for a disagreement, but when the digs come, he should be saying stuff like: "Dacadactyl makes fantastic dinner", just gentle refutes that let her know her behaviour has been noted.

You also need to train your MIL: When she tries to make you look like a shit mum, the next week you don't attend and neither does the baby. She is lucky to have a DIL who is happy to help her son maintain their close relationship. You have provided her only grandchild. You do not have to take her digs, as you have the upper hand.

I'd have fun winding her up for a while and then stop going. Say things to her like:

'mm lovely roasts, I do love aunt Bessie's, so quick and so good' - insist that they taste like aunt Bessie's when she says they are home made. Insist that the baby loves aunt Bessie's too

'i do love a good bisto gravy, quicker than doing your own and thicker' - again insist that hers tastes like bisto, same that the baby loves bisto

Ask if it's chicken or turkey then say you can't tell because it's a bit burnt even if it's not - same thing for beef/lamb

Just wind her up back. Point out that she was able to wash 4 kids every day because she didn't work (assuming that you do otherwise that doesn't work) or say that she had to clean her kids every day as washing machines back then weren't as good so clothes weren't as clean.

I find my FIL rude, controlling, a terrible bore and completely insufferable. I haven’t told anyone this, as there is no benefit to others knowing.

I no longer go to the house, but I spend time taking my MIL out to nice places to catch up (and give her a break from him) and I will go to family events where there are plenty of other people to dilute the FIL experience.

Maybe you could try this, but with your MIL?

Every Sunday??? Eff that for a game of soldiers. I wouldn’t give up half of my precious weekend seeing my in laws. Definitely don’t go but tell your DH you’d like him to go less too, so you can do stuff at home together. Would he agree to that?

Wow every week...fuck that...weekends are family time as in you dh and dc.... just no ..

She sounds like a complete cow!! But you need to stop being so passive and find a way to tell her she’s being a cow. Maybe say something like “times have changed since you had a baby” and just keep repeating it every single time she’s rude.
You should also tell dh that he needs to back you up every time.

I like the sound of your BIL for sticking up for you.

I'd be tempted to go as often as you wish UNTIL the next time she is on at you. I'd then say straight to her in a perfectly civil voice, "MIL you can either stop making subtle digs at me or I'm going to leave." And if she huffs, or makes one more slight, I'd scoop up my kid and leave. No shouting, no drama, just go because honestly it's going to take the shock of it to snap her out of it.

How she reacts after THAT sets the scene for how often you visit after that.

Limit Sunday lunches to one per month. Once your child is school age you'll be hitting up kid's parties every other Sunday anyway, so best to disabuse your MIL of thinking she is entitled to your presence every Sunday now!

I must try this 😂😂 Aunt Bessie’s for the win!

Why in the fuck would you all go every Sunday? That's just ridiculous.

Totally!

As she is a wine snob, if she brings out a bottle, look at it and go 'oh yes I saw this in the aldi middle aisles, was like £5, great bargain there mil'.

Or just spill it, whatever you fancy. If you spill it, preferably on something white. 😂

Just don't go any longer, if your dh wants to he can continue to go and take dc with him. But in your shoes I'd simply stop going.

Have your SILs ever had partners?

I couldn't be with someone who was expected to go to theor mum's every Sunday-& did so!