To boycott MIL’s Sunday Dinners

[Cantbebotheredanymore]

It’s a story as old as time, DIL and MIL don’t get along. But I’m tired, and so so over this shit.

Ive been with DH for 10 years. MIL was super hostile in the beginning (you’re taking my eldest son away waaaaah) and we had a semi frosty relationship for a few years but the past 5 years we’ve had a decent relationship. Not going for coffees and spa days etc, but can speak cordially when left alone together and have a mutual love of certain hobbies.

Then I got pregnant :)

Tbf, she was brilliant during my pregnancy which had some challenges. Very respectful and caring.

Then I gave birth… and the insecure, passive-aggressive witch arrived.

Since giving birth last year, MIL has been insufferable. She’s had FOUR kids, lest I forget, and she oversteps in every possible area of DC life.

There is far too much to list but tldr, every Sunday her adult children and grandchild are summoned for Sunday dinner.

She isn’t like this everytime, but maybe once a month she’ll be “on one”. Making sly digs at me, suggesting my child isn’t clean/fed/happy. Eg…

“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

“ what?!? You don’t give DC a bath EVERY night?! Ive raised FOUR kids and in my day….”

“oooow you want nanny don’t you /grabs child from my arms/ come to nannnnnnyyy”

And so on. Obviously I have raised this with DH and to his credit he does acknowledge some of her neurotic behaviour (but chalks it up to love/enthusiasm) “she doesn’t mean any harm” we’ve argued about it at times, and he’s pulled her up on some of the less subtle things.

But for the most part, it’s very underhand. I don’t believe she is vindictive in nature but she is deeply insecure and wants to use my child to validate her worth and experience, and put me down to make herself feel like mum of the year.

Shes been through a lot but quite frankly I don’t give a fuck about her feelings anymore. I’m sick of coming home on a Sunday feeling angry and not able to vent. Today was really awful, she made about 5/6 jibes at me, and while most of them I shrug off because they’re actually ridiculous, the ones suggesting DC isn’t being looked after properly are starting to irk me. I do snap back occasionally but I don’t like her getting the satisfaction of knowing I’m bothered.

So, I want to stop going all together. AIBU?

(And if not, should I tell DH the real reason or just make an excuse as to why I can no longer go? He is in a difficult situation, and I don’t want him stressed about us not getting on. But DH can take DC on his own.

I’d much rather sign up for a pottery class on a Sunday and “sadly not be able to go anymore”, rather than say your mum’s acting like a passive-aggressive pos and she can shove her roast up her...)

Send the husband with the child and chill out with glass of wine on sofa and a big Chinese

I would stop going every week and just go once a month.

we used to visit in-laws every Sunday but it started off maybe 4 of us and then siblings and kids all started going too and ended up a noisy rabble, we stepped back… or I stepped back and dh is a lazy bugger when it comes to visiting family that he agreed. Weekends when we weren’t working are precious and I would rather spend it with my own little family than sit in a noisy house.

Every Sunday!

As your child gets older, and probably you have more children, all of you going to MIL's every Sunday is not going to be tenable.

It will be cutting massively into your family time, the children will have other things to do and if DH is going by himself, you will be wondering why he isn't with the family he actually lives with, pulling his weight.

Start organizing stuff for ALL OF YOU on a Sunday so DH is missing them too.

“Uhhhh poor baby you’re having to have formula now because mummy’s supply dried up…”

Even this comment? It's genuinely nasty and designed to make OP feel shit.

Which she absolutely shouldn't.

Go less my DD is now 9 and she puts MIL in her place herself 🤣🤣. She will say why are you saying that about my mum or trying to compare my mum without me saying anything.MIL doesn't say anything anymore.. I do actually like MIL but she had 3 sons so I think part of it was jealously. Your DC will realise try not to worry and let it go over your head.

Move far enough away that you can only do 6 monthly visits.

I’d be changing the arrangement to once every fortnight (and you only attend once a month). Dh can then tell her you are having your own family time every other Sunday.

The milk supply comment is one that I spoke to DH about and he had a word with her about. Just felt quite nasty, I’m all for benefit of the doubt, but that was a really shady comment, although she feigned innocence.

And a lot of the comments she makes are directly to my child, “oooh mummy put you in this outfit again” etc and so it’s comforting to see some posters say that their children are aware/wise to these attempts now that they’re older!

I think you're being waaaaay over sensitive, but I also think going every week is doing you no favours.

Bow out. Let DH take baby once a month, you all go once a month, and then have two other weekends at home. Or just say no and DH can go on his own every few weeks.

I think you have to put up with the comments, but once a week!? No way.

Totally understand!! My MIL was similar on Boxing Day last year and then lied to DP when i told him how upset i was about it (he rang her and she lied) making my feelings completely invalid!

I've learned to let it go, I'll never win when it comes to DPs mum, like the other day she was totally out of order with me, and i just played it down!!

Bow out and do something for yourself OP

Never a good idea to get into such a rigid routine. She needs to appreciate it when you go as a family.

Every Sunday?! Wtf? Why? Don’t you have stuff you want to do? I’d go every 6 weeks or so, she’s taking up half your weekend every single week, that’s not right.

Every time she makes a nasty comment, call her out on it and tell (don’t ask) her to bloody well stop. If she carries on, pick up your child and leave. If your Dh won’t tell her once and for all, you need to. I don’t think you’re being over sensitive, this is constant and insidious. Wait til your child can understand and hears all these nasty comments. I wouldn’t let him go with just your Dh if your Dh isn’t bollocking her arse for her shitty behaviour.

When everything is harmonious Sunday dinners in granny’s are an absolute joy and a wonderful experience for everyone especially grandchildren. However, I know of maybe one or two families where this is the case but I know of far more families where granny is trying to create this and it just ends up causing stress because the family dynamic doesn’t allow for a weekly meet up.

i would go once a fortnight/ month and shrug off her nonsense

This is great advice

I would stop taking the DCs over on a Sunday and let DH go himself if he wants to. He can explain to his mum.

That's some nasty comments she makes and so unnecessary

I had this with my dreadful MIL. Please put in boundaries now or else it will get worse. Mine used to say stuff like this. Along with “don’t we make beautiful babies” to my DH. Refer to my DC as “her baby”, make plans for my baby etc.

Nip it in the bud asap. You have your own family now, this is your time to raise your family. Make plans on a Sunday that do not involve MIL.

F that every Sunday…
Let him go on his own and tell the darling MIL she cant see your child if she continues with these back handed digs at you!

Please tell me this is not every week ?????
Don't allow your H to accept her badmouthing you when you stop going.
You have to point out that his mother is saying this in front of your child, who will soon start to pick up on her snipes.
It stops from today.
You are a grown woman, you choose where you go & who you spend time with, this is not a contest, she is not better than you & you will not allow it. Your H needs to see you in "Bodecea mode".
He needs to tell her that it stops or you & your baby will stop attending these meals
She can bitch about you, but not in front of your child.

EVERY Sunday? Noooo

100% Agree!
I wouldnt go back and neither would my Dc

I’d be more pissed off that this is every Sunday! Maybe go one Sunday per month, occasional visits in between. That’s enough. You need time for yourselves as a family!

There are 52 weekends per year and every single one of them is precious family and friend time. There’s no way I’d let one set of grandparents steal a whole 50% of that time. I love my in-laws but your DH has his own family now and he shouldn’t be expected to join every Sunday just because his siblings do.

Honestly, I don’t know why I went along with this set up for so long without questioning it. There are things I have missed out on so that we can do his Sunday family ritual. Well, enough is enough.

Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them all. And I agree I need to stand my ground more.

Don't let your DH take your DC when s/he is old enough to understand. Your MIL will be saying all sorts of toxic things that you won't be able to defend.

Fill your calendar with lots of family events, see friends, be ill from time to time.

I don't understand the idea of a Sunday family roast, I haven't had one since childhood but I would imagine two or three times a year, including Christmas, is plenty. Sundays are for going out, hill climbing, sailing etc here. Sunday lunch is generally sandwiches and a flask of tea.

Behaviour like that isn't serious enough to justify cutting off her relationship with her grandchild entirely. The chippy comments are annoying at worst, and the obligation to spend every Sunday at her place for lunch can easily be severed without depriving a child of a relationship with a grandparent who might love them.

Of course, OP has the right to decide with whom she spends her time, but the relationship can easily be facilitated between MiL and DH. She is, after all, his Mum, and there's nothing wrong with her taking a step back. I did this with my MiL, and for a while it worked. Then DC picked up on the tension, could see fine well that there was no love lost between us, and started acting up every time they had contact. I've no idea why, as I've always spoken positively about her to him and never said a bad word about her. But DC is very sharp.

I much preferred staying in the background, being civil when she came to our home but not visiting them myself. But if knew if I wanted my child to have a relationship with his only grandparents (my side are dead) I had to start showing my approval by visiting with them every few times. I don't enjoy it, but DC has a right to know the paternal side of his family, and this is about him, not me.

Going NC at the drop of a hat can cause more problems than it prevents. It needs a great deal of thought (recognizing that in some situations its unpreventable for a child's own protection). But don't want DC to grow up in the knowledge that Mummy wouldn't let him see Grandma. That just isn't fair on him.