To boycott MIL’s Sunday Dinners

[Cantbebotheredanymore]

It’s a story as old as time, DIL and MIL don’t get along. But I’m tired, and so so over this shit.

Ive been with DH for 10 years. MIL was super hostile in the beginning (you’re taking my eldest son away waaaaah) and we had a semi frosty relationship for a few years but the past 5 years we’ve had a decent relationship. Not going for coffees and spa days etc, but can speak cordially when left alone together and have a mutual love of certain hobbies.

Then I got pregnant :)

Tbf, she was brilliant during my pregnancy which had some challenges. Very respectful and caring.

Then I gave birth… and the insecure, passive-aggressive witch arrived.

Since giving birth last year, MIL has been insufferable. She’s had FOUR kids, lest I forget, and she oversteps in every possible area of DC life.

There is far too much to list but tldr, every Sunday her adult children and grandchild are summoned for Sunday dinner.

She isn’t like this everytime, but maybe once a month she’ll be “on one”. Making sly digs at me, suggesting my child isn’t clean/fed/happy. Eg…

“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

“ what?!? You don’t give DC a bath EVERY night?! Ive raised FOUR kids and in my day….”

“oooow you want nanny don’t you /grabs child from my arms/ come to nannnnnnyyy”

And so on. Obviously I have raised this with DH and to his credit he does acknowledge some of her neurotic behaviour (but chalks it up to love/enthusiasm) “she doesn’t mean any harm” we’ve argued about it at times, and he’s pulled her up on some of the less subtle things.

But for the most part, it’s very underhand. I don’t believe she is vindictive in nature but she is deeply insecure and wants to use my child to validate her worth and experience, and put me down to make herself feel like mum of the year.

Shes been through a lot but quite frankly I don’t give a fuck about her feelings anymore. I’m sick of coming home on a Sunday feeling angry and not able to vent. Today was really awful, she made about 5/6 jibes at me, and while most of them I shrug off because they’re actually ridiculous, the ones suggesting DC isn’t being looked after properly are starting to irk me. I do snap back occasionally but I don’t like her getting the satisfaction of knowing I’m bothered.

So, I want to stop going all together. AIBU?

(And if not, should I tell DH the real reason or just make an excuse as to why I can no longer go? He is in a difficult situation, and I don’t want him stressed about us not getting on. But DH can take DC on his own.

I’d much rather sign up for a pottery class on a Sunday and “sadly not be able to go anymore”, rather than say your mum’s acting like a passive-aggressive pos and she can shove her roast up her...)

I’d do this too because then she knows exactly what the problem is and has the chance to change. This would be better for you because you would enjoy the family dinners if she wasn’t such a bitch and you’d get to see the rest of the family.

You do have to do something now because as your DC gets older it’ll be even more difficult to handle.

If you do see her, she’ll no doubt become more subtle with her digs so that she can claim she didn’t do anything wrong. If she’s like someone I know she’ll be flabbergasted and crying at how mean you are and you can’t subject your child to that crap. So I’d do as above and then tell her that in order to avoid confrontation in the future you will simply avoid her if she starts her antics. But no discussions because she’ll have you tied in knots before you know it.

Once a month is the most I will go over to the IL's

Tell your husband this and if he doesn't like it he can go on his own

Soon she may start giving sweets, biscuits, chocolate, as a "little treat", "a little secret", "don't tell Mummy".
You need to get DH on board fast

I’d call it out on the spot, but I’m ok with a big family ding dong.

If you’ve got something to say MIL, I suggest you say it to me DC isn’t old enough to offer an opinion <cue, hard stare>

This is good!
Every Sunday is bonkers anyway. Your weekends should be yours.
Unless you've posted about this before someone else has the exact same problem!
I could not tolerate someone constantly suggesting I don't look after my child properly. She's out of order.

What would happen if you questioned every comment?

'Why are you saying that my baby doesn't like the food at home?'

'Why are you talking about my boobs at the dining table'

'Why do you think it matters if the baby is wearing the same outfit as they did a week ago'

'Why do you think we should be looking at schools when we can't apply for 3 years'

I think your husband needs to step up and say some of this for you. Eg when she makes a comment about the babys outfit he says he dressed them. Or schools, then he explains. Schools and clothes are surely just as much his responsibility

I was going to suggest you make the same comments back to her but youd have to do it through the baby like she does and actually I wouldn't want to put my child in the middle of that.

And I'm not sure if just not going is a great solution either...she is likely to still so it behind your back and I'm not sure it will be a good thing for your child to notice when they are older

@Cantbebotheredanymore bloody rude is what she is. Start having other plans regularly - aim to ensure it once a month tops?

It's not unreasonable not to want to spend time with someone who doesn't make you feel good, end of. Obligations exist and can be a pain but they don't extend to being made to feel inadequate.

You have a number of options:

1. Continue as you are
2. Tell her the impact her words are having and set some boundaries i.e. don't comment on how I raise my child.
3. Stop going to Sunday dinner

This was very much the case with my mum and her MIL. My brother and I would visit her with my dad, but my mum stopped coming. As we grew up, we saw what my mum saw but she never wanted to refuse us seeing our nan.

if you enjoy going if mil wasn’t a shit to you. Why not train her.

She was horrible to you today so you won’t go next week.
if she is nice to you the week after you will go the following week but if she is nasty miss a couple of weeks
Then start missing the odd Sunday any way for other stuff and go when you feel like it rather than when she requests it
If then she is still horrible to you start to leave it 3 weeks between visits then 4 weeks till she gets the message.

Every week is a huge commitment.

Yanbu but I would talk to dh about it because even if you aren't there I'd be concerned about comments she's making infront of your child that are undermining you. I think dh needs to step up a little and back you up as his wife and mother of his child. I'd recognise that it's awkward and the last thing you want is to put him in the middle but you're conscious of the effect its going to have on dc especially as they get older and can pick up on things. Can you agree that the next time she is offensive you'll put a boundary in place?

Send your DC with DH every Sunday whilst you stay home and have some me time;Chuck yourself a nice pizza in the oven,pour a cheeky glass of wine/gin,feet up with a tv show/movie of your choice and chill;you'll get two maybe three hours to yourself?

I like the idea of counting up but as others have said -- sending the child to hear negative comments about his mother isn't a great idea (and I retract my earlier suggestion to send DH on his own with the child.)

I would count up the jibes and write them down, and tell her for every one, that's another week you'll skip dinner at her house. "So far, that's 10 weeks we won't be attending your Sunday roast...do you want to try for 15 or can we have a civil afternoon in the second week of November?"

She needs consequences. Losing access to the grandchild for months on end might motivate her to shut the fuck up.

Sign you and your dc up for a class on Sundays so you're busy.

Every Bloody Sunday....? Not a chance!!!

Definitely deprive her of your DCs company if she's going to be so poisonous - after all, if she gets them without you being around, she's going to consider she's well up on the deal.

I'm always in favour of telling people exactly why you are upset with them, and what changes you expect to see for normal relations to be resumed. Drawing a line in the sand and insisting they don't step over it is the only thing I've ever found works with people like your MIL.

My MIL was hugely critical of me. She would phone my now exH and lust all my faults. It was an untenable situation as I'm mentioned.

My exH dh took our dc to his mother's and they heard her slagging me off to his gf. They refused to ever go again.

ExH now no longer talks to his dc (lots of other stuff in between that's led to that, but that was a massive starting point).

Kids know. I tried to ensure they had a good relationship but it takes all parties to make that happen. She was more interested in slaying me than being a loving grandma.

You are under no obligation to facilitate a good relationship if the other parties are going to undermine you.

God yes stop going for lunch. Seriously why have you been going there every week anyway? It’s way too much. Even once a month is a lot unless it’s a special occasion or birthday. If your DH kicks up a fuss start taking him to your parents every week.

Also stop hanging out with people who constantly say negative things to you or about you. It doesn’t matter who they are. Itll do your self esteem, confidence, mood and self worth no good at all. In short it’s unhealthy so stop doing it.

Every Sunday is too much. It cuts into your ability to build your own family culture and do activities you LIKE with your children. Also, putting MIL's family roast first every Sunday, communicates that MIL's priorities are more important than mum's, whether or not MIL puts you down at these get-togethers. Once every month or two is MORE than enough.

Just. Stop. Going.

Your DH can explain why (if he has the backbone to support you). But you do need to explain to her, calmly, how all of her little jibes get to you. By text, by email or face to face; whatever suits you best.

She’s a rude cow, but unfortunately she’s also your MIL. And will always be your children’s grandmother.

Not to most grandmothers!!

It's actually extraordinary how much better you feel after removing yourself from a relationship like this.

I had a very close friend for around 10 years, until roughly the beginning of this one, when she began to cross all sorts of lines: telling me I fed my dogs wrongly (I'd run a mixed species rescue with my late husband, for 30+ years by this time and done a LOT of research into feeding for different situations/conditions!); that although I was grieving my husband and fairly seriously unwell, SHE'd been in a much worse situation but she "just got on with it"; putting down every idea I had and basically displaying all the empathy and insight of a Sherman Tank.

For months I came home from meet-ups with her feeling tearful, angry and invalidated. Then she gaslighted me big time about something, until I truly believed I had become clinically paranoid. It was only when my support worker (as I mentioned, I'm not well) reminded me that when the event she denied ever happened did happen I'd reached out to my support worker, and shown her the related message and my support worker even had it noted in my file, that I went no contact and blocked her on everything.

Within a few weeks I recognised that I was so much less stressed, less tired physically and much more upbeat about life, and realised how badly her negativity and passive aggressive behaviour had affected me.

This isn't meant to be a monologue about my own life (though perhaps it's become one !) it's meant to warn you that the constant put downs and nastiness from your MIL will - it sounds like it's happening currently - make you feel more and more antagonistic towards her at a cost to your own health and relationship with your DH, and - though you sound as though you've got oodles more control over your self image than I did - possibly less and less confident in yourself.

I'm not suggesting you go 100% no contact or anything so drastic, but I think you have to go into self-preservation mode, explain as calmly as you can to your DH exactly how you feel and that though he may be right that "she doesn't mean any harm", nonetheless that's exactly what she's causing.

Tell him clearly that the most you're prepared to offer going forward is a once a month Sunday dinner visit. (Or less, if that's what you want.) Whether you want to ask him to spend the other Sundays with you or to take DC to visit with him or for him to go alone is of course your choice, but I don't think you'd be out of order to ask him to explain to his DM exactly why the situation's changed.

Good luck!!

As my late lovely dad used to say 'why offer your face to be kicked?' Withdraw as there isn't any peace or enjoyment in it for you anymore. If asked why you don't go anymore, then that's what you say as a reason for withdrawing.

No no no no

Go to the roast
But set the bitch straight EVERY SINGLE TIME she makes a dig.

And at the end of the dinner You will let her know you will be coming once a month from now on.
and if she makes ANY more digs that the next dinner will be your and your child's LAST time stopping by until Christmas

Step up op!

@TheEggChair "TheEggChair · Today 03:17

As my late lovely dad used to say 'why offer your face to be kicked?'"

I fucking love that quote.
Your dad must have been the best