To boycott MIL’s Sunday Dinners

[Cantbebotheredanymore]

It’s a story as old as time, DIL and MIL don’t get along. But I’m tired, and so so over this shit.

Ive been with DH for 10 years. MIL was super hostile in the beginning (you’re taking my eldest son away waaaaah) and we had a semi frosty relationship for a few years but the past 5 years we’ve had a decent relationship. Not going for coffees and spa days etc, but can speak cordially when left alone together and have a mutual love of certain hobbies.

Then I got pregnant :)

Tbf, she was brilliant during my pregnancy which had some challenges. Very respectful and caring.

Then I gave birth… and the insecure, passive-aggressive witch arrived.

Since giving birth last year, MIL has been insufferable. She’s had FOUR kids, lest I forget, and she oversteps in every possible area of DC life.

There is far too much to list but tldr, every Sunday her adult children and grandchild are summoned for Sunday dinner.

She isn’t like this everytime, but maybe once a month she’ll be “on one”. Making sly digs at me, suggesting my child isn’t clean/fed/happy. Eg…

“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

“ what?!? You don’t give DC a bath EVERY night?! Ive raised FOUR kids and in my day….”

“oooow you want nanny don’t you /grabs child from my arms/ come to nannnnnnyyy”

And so on. Obviously I have raised this with DH and to his credit he does acknowledge some of her neurotic behaviour (but chalks it up to love/enthusiasm) “she doesn’t mean any harm” we’ve argued about it at times, and he’s pulled her up on some of the less subtle things.

But for the most part, it’s very underhand. I don’t believe she is vindictive in nature but she is deeply insecure and wants to use my child to validate her worth and experience, and put me down to make herself feel like mum of the year.

Shes been through a lot but quite frankly I don’t give a fuck about her feelings anymore. I’m sick of coming home on a Sunday feeling angry and not able to vent. Today was really awful, she made about 5/6 jibes at me, and while most of them I shrug off because they’re actually ridiculous, the ones suggesting DC isn’t being looked after properly are starting to irk me. I do snap back occasionally but I don’t like her getting the satisfaction of knowing I’m bothered.

So, I want to stop going all together. AIBU?

(And if not, should I tell DH the real reason or just make an excuse as to why I can no longer go? He is in a difficult situation, and I don’t want him stressed about us not getting on. But DH can take DC on his own.

I’d much rather sign up for a pottery class on a Sunday and “sadly not be able to go anymore”, rather than say your mum’s acting like a passive-aggressive pos and she can shove her roast up her...)

Always remember - you don’t get to be an unpleasant person AND somebody people want to be around.

You have to choose.

She has chosen, for the most part, to be unpleasant to you.

You, on the flip side, are more than within your rights to not want to spend time with her as a result.

Spell it out like this to your DH.

She has caused this. Not you.

She has the means to make you want to spend time with her - but she has decided that being unpleasant and passive-aggressively unkind is more important.

And agree - every week is madness, even if it were a fun thing to do. As your child gets older and life gets busier, it will become untenable.

don’t go! Don’t send the children either that’s probably what she wants!

@Marvellousmadness my dad was the best and I miss him terribly although he did come out with some corkers sometimes! 😂

I'm with you. My "D" M was just like that with my kids. And it was even worse for me because I lived far away, so when we did see her it was for an entire week. On many occasions I packed our bags and got a cab to the airport, and got the next plane out of town. Do make that decision - fade out of her life, don't go to the dinners. Good luck !

I wouldn't let a routine grow of you being left alone every Sunday. You'll miss out on family time with your DC. Just cut down the number of times you all go and sometimes. DH can go alone with DC.

My MIL is the exact same as this. All began really when DD1 was born. I decided to play her at her own game, she was showing us a dress she was wearing to an upcoming wedding and was very proud of herself that she had purchased from Shein. I said "oh ya my 12 year old niece shops there all the time". I would NEVER normally make comments like this but she constantly makes sly digs around my parenting, spending, household etc. I did eventually just confront her, I no longer spend much time with them at all as it was causing me such stress it was affecting my health! I leave it to DH and sure enough they haven't seen DD in a number of weeks!

Why should the husband & child go without Op though?

She then misses weekend time with them which might be important to her.

Sometimes when you marry/become a parent you can't carry on as before.

I mean why go somewhere where there's even a chance of someone being deliberately rude?

Idk why family members are held to such a low standard.

"Oh they don't mean anything/it's just the way they are".

Well peersonally I don't want to be around deliberately rude fuckers!

The best way is for your DH to take responsibility and speak to her privately to say HE is not happy with how his wife is being spoken to and HE won't be bringing his family if it continues. Then it shows solidarity.

I would let your DH go with the DC, take some time out

Or start making plans for other things, let DH now and make sure you let Mil that you are unavailable.

I have a mil who is often kind but we had a difficult journey, I feel I need to be distant to protect myself. It's a hard relationship as mothers and daughters often clash

Some MIL act like this because they know their child will continue to see them with the grandchild regardless of how they treat their spouse . Its a handy way to keep the dil/sil away as they know they will have enough eventually. Every week is too much but I suspect your DH would rather go with your child alone that simply say once a month is plenty and you all go then. That seems to be what has occurred? If you have not wanted to go in the past your DH simply goes without you? Mil will know that. Don't assume she doesn't know what she is doing. You should agree how to move forward with DH but I don't think you being alone on Sundays while your DH and DC go is going to work. Reducing the amount of time you go is better imo.

I'd be spending Sundays differently with my DC from now on.

A suggestion - cook your own Sunday roast/dinner. Have it ready for the same time that MiL would normally expect you to arrive.
Stay home and eat it.
Then, send your DH to visit his mother. It'll be a much shorter visit as they will have eaten as will your DH.
Keep doing this. Break the cycle of having to go visit. I wouldn't be too happy about letting your DC go to visit granny every time either. You don't want them in the years to come, hearing negative things about you being said.

I'm also not surprised that the other siblings to your DH show up without a partner. You could say to your DH "This is your weekly ritual. No one else brings a partner to the meal. I've decided to take a step back and when your siblings start bringing their significant other to Sunday dinner, I'll reconsider going. Until then, the DC and I will be here, doing our own thing of a Sunday" and see how that floats.

While some might say that her comments are not that bad, in isolation, but week after week after week of them, it's like death by 1000 cuts.

Wishing you the strength to find a solution that works for you.

You go EVERY WEEK?!! Cut it down to once a month, and you do things as a family the other days, he doesn't take the baby without you, he can go but not the baby. She knows what she is doing, and she knows what to do if she wants to see you. And stop boohooing about poor DH, he should speak to her and deal with it, does he just sit there and allow this? You shouldn't have to tell him afterwards you are upset, he should be picking her up on this.

Yes, stop going. Send her a text and list all the jabs she made yesterday. Let her see herself in black and white. Then say, because of your consistent pattern of insults, l won't be visiting you anymore. You don't deserve to be abused like that.

I think that's normal granny behaviour.

I think you are reading way more into this and you are definitely the unresonable

She's just being a bit irritating to you because you dont like her

The breastfeeding comment alone would’ve made me want to go LC. That is nasty and toxic in itself, and the other comments are bad too, I don’t understand the PPs that are minimalising them.

But even if she was the nicest MIL in the world, Sunday lunch every week is too much. Start doing days out with your DC instead, just the 3 of you.

It is NOT normal granny behaviour to be continually putting down the GC’s mother. How can it be normal to for example make jibes about her milk drying up. Jeez your standards are low. Don’t listen to any nonsense like this OP.

Rude. I wouldn't go and I wouldn't send my kids either.

I can't really understand why posters suggest sending husband & child off.

Why should Op miss time with them?

Why should the rude one get to see her GC?

Exactly @diddl. And why should the MIL get to inflict her bile on her GC behind OPs back?

They need to be a united front, less Sundays dinners for a start and when they do go, refuse to put up with any of her bullshit. I would be telling DH if she starts then we all leave. Everytime.

I'd go further than that, OP. You're still being too weak. I'd bar MIL from even seeing for DC, until she apologised to me and changed. Why should she have a right to see your child when she is so rude and nasty to it's mother? I would not allow my husband to take DC there, either. She wouldn't be seeing her grandchild again until she apologised and stopped. Also, imagine what would happen later if she wasn't stopped and she made horrible comments in front of DC about you? This can cause them great confusion and distress.

Remove her privilege of seeing her grandchild until she apologises and changes her attitude, go NC for you and DC. Ban you husband from taking DC there.

If you send your DH and DC then she has won!

Keep the baby away

Lol, are you THE granny by any chance?

You must stay with the children - otherwise she’s basically using that time in your absence to re educate them into her toxic way of thinking. Your DH should be speaking for you, but if he doesn’t, you should.