To boycott MIL’s Sunday Dinners

[Cantbebotheredanymore]

It’s a story as old as time, DIL and MIL don’t get along. But I’m tired, and so so over this shit.

Ive been with DH for 10 years. MIL was super hostile in the beginning (you’re taking my eldest son away waaaaah) and we had a semi frosty relationship for a few years but the past 5 years we’ve had a decent relationship. Not going for coffees and spa days etc, but can speak cordially when left alone together and have a mutual love of certain hobbies.

Then I got pregnant :)

Tbf, she was brilliant during my pregnancy which had some challenges. Very respectful and caring.

Then I gave birth… and the insecure, passive-aggressive witch arrived.

Since giving birth last year, MIL has been insufferable. She’s had FOUR kids, lest I forget, and she oversteps in every possible area of DC life.

There is far too much to list but tldr, every Sunday her adult children and grandchild are summoned for Sunday dinner.

She isn’t like this everytime, but maybe once a month she’ll be “on one”. Making sly digs at me, suggesting my child isn’t clean/fed/happy. Eg…

“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

“ what?!? You don’t give DC a bath EVERY night?! Ive raised FOUR kids and in my day….”

“oooow you want nanny don’t you /grabs child from my arms/ come to nannnnnnyyy”

And so on. Obviously I have raised this with DH and to his credit he does acknowledge some of her neurotic behaviour (but chalks it up to love/enthusiasm) “she doesn’t mean any harm” we’ve argued about it at times, and he’s pulled her up on some of the less subtle things.

But for the most part, it’s very underhand. I don’t believe she is vindictive in nature but she is deeply insecure and wants to use my child to validate her worth and experience, and put me down to make herself feel like mum of the year.

Shes been through a lot but quite frankly I don’t give a fuck about her feelings anymore. I’m sick of coming home on a Sunday feeling angry and not able to vent. Today was really awful, she made about 5/6 jibes at me, and while most of them I shrug off because they’re actually ridiculous, the ones suggesting DC isn’t being looked after properly are starting to irk me. I do snap back occasionally but I don’t like her getting the satisfaction of knowing I’m bothered.

So, I want to stop going all together. AIBU?

(And if not, should I tell DH the real reason or just make an excuse as to why I can no longer go? He is in a difficult situation, and I don’t want him stressed about us not getting on. But DH can take DC on his own.

I’d much rather sign up for a pottery class on a Sunday and “sadly not be able to go anymore”, rather than say your mum’s acting like a passive-aggressive pos and she can shove her roast up her...)

On the basis of OPs first post, I believe the OP is making it hard for herself AND her husband because in my opinion, she is totally oversensitive. There's nothing wrong with any of the comments made in her first post imo. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if my MIL said any of those things to me.

It reads to me that OP is insecure about her parenting, because I couldn't give a flying fig what anyone thinks about the way I parent. If my MIL did make comments I thought were not OK (like a couple of them in OPs update), I would challenge MIL on them. That's all that needs to be done here, I would mention to MIL how the comments make me feel. There doesn't need to be a drama round it.

1. Dont go this week and take a break.
2. Speak to her directly and tell her you are taking a break because every now and then she seems to have nothing but negative things to say about you such as xxxx and give her examples. Tell her you appreciate her but you will not put up with these.
3. When you go again if she starts up get up and leave. Don't make a scene, just quietly tell her 'that is not called for'.
4. Make sure DH is on side first or it wont work.

Why are you worried about stressing your husband out, he doesn't mind chucking you under the bus by not standing up to his mother.

It's the old mumsnet you have a DH problem.

Her inane comments wouldn't bother me, but having my precious Sundays hijacked would.

I'd tell DH from now on I'd be dining at MIL's every 6-8 weeks at most. If he continued to go every week there'd be a problem.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I would be doing things with DH and DC on Sunday. Arrange some things, enjoy your family together, going weekly is ridiculous.

I agree that the MiL's comments are so silly and childish that I'd personally as soon laugh at them as take gratuitous offence. This would doubtless be the opposite effect to the one intended, and might be an effective way of shutting this nonsense down.

If I couldn't be fussed about this, I WOULD be pissed off over the expectation that I cede over to MiL the rights as to how I spent my time every single weekend. That shit would stop precisely now. An occasional visit, perhaps on other occasions DH and DC going without me, but most of all Sundays would become a day to spend important family time together. This is in no way an unreasonable expectation.

In OP's situation, I would choose my battles and pick that one.

Two options.

1. You also your husband to discuss it with her but recognise she probably won't change.

1. He takes the child and you have a lovely rest/go for a walk/knit/visit an art gallery etc. And have a wonderful couple of hours every Sunday

Try having the sarky responses ready. e.g.:

“You’ve not been looking at schools yet?” /pulls disgusted face/ (DC has just turned one btw lol)

"I suppose it's such a long time since you dealt with school that you've forgotten how school admissions work. There's no point looking now because we can't apply till the year before DC goes, and schools can change an awful lot in three years."

“Awww look at DC’s /cute feature/ she gets that from Daddy NOT mummy… “

"You've obviously not met my sister, DC is the spitting image of her, cute feature and all".

“Uhhhh poor baby you’re having to have formula now because mummy’s supply dried up…”

(Answer that blinds her with science about the nutritional benefits of formula)

“oooooh you LOVE nanny’s food, not that food mummy gives you”

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, DC has been having tummy upsets on Sunday afternoons lately, I've brought her own food for her, she absolutely loves it".

She expects you every Sunday? No no no. That’s too much. Yes definitely opt out.

Or indeed option 3. Don't go and visit every single Sunday

If the OP tells MIL she is upset, MIL will be pleased and probably won't hide that fact. My MIL was the same. DH thought it was funny, until I put my foot down and he had a word with her and told her that her comments were unacceptable. This was after DD became old enough to say "that's not very nice. Nanna," and "people like different things, Nanna" when she criticised my choice of wine with my dinner in a restaurant. But anyway, I convinced DH she WBU and he now sticks up for me, and understands. We don't see them very often.

Any chance any of the other siblings will have children soon? That'll help. Otherwise just sit at the opposite end of the table and let your dh and dc deal with her!

@C8H10N4O2 My BIL had a partner but recently split up, she did come to a few dinners, and was also on the receiving end of suspicious comments, but unfortunately she didn’t last long. My SILs are single, so I’m the only partner there.

I think everyone knows what she’s like, and sometimes they stick up for me but mostly they just roll their eyes or ignore it, as it is often very subtle.

Eg MIL isn’t a fan of baby led weaning and insists on spoonfeeding her DELICIOUS food to DC. Today I said, you can just give her the spoon as she can feed herself. She ignored me and kept aeroplaning food into her mouth. BIL said “are you not listening, she said DC can use a spoon” so she huffed and gave DC the spoon (which she through straight on the floor lol much to her delight)

She can dick off. Quite a few people on here have got the measure of her. When your DC are older she'll be undermining you in other ways. This isn't a grit your teeth and get through it situation. Seeing her grandkids is a privilege and respect is earned.
It doesn't sound like she's done anything at all to earn your respect, such as being polite and gracious towards you. In fact, quite the opposite.
Her reiterations of "I raised FOUR children" reminds me of that Victoria Wood quote about how the captain of the school netball team is still going on about the fact she was captain of the school netball team when she's in her thirties because that was the pinnacle of her life's achievements. Obv that's a paraphrase.

If you make a big deal out of this it'll add fuel to her fire. Your instinct is right be less available, have a hobby that keeps you elsewhere, or just need a bit of time to yourself some weekends - whatever excuse works. If you're husband presses you, don't lie but I'd not make a huge thing out of this woman's occasional silly annoying comments.

Sounds like she has her good side but can just be a total pain in the bum. If you see her a bit less she'll presumably irk you less but ultimately it's a relationship that you'll need to have for some time to come so finding a way to handle it (in your case by not subjecting yourself to the weekly roast) is probably the sensible, real-world way to handle it.

I think what I would do is write her a note tomorrow and say that you counted up the number of jibes she made at you today. I would list them all. I would say I have tried really hard to have a good relationship with you but when you talk to me like that it just makes me not want to be anywhere near you. I would say, I don't think you would put up with this from anyone else. Then I'd say bearing that in mind, I'm happy for my husband and child to come to see you but I'm going to bow out at this point unless it's a big special occasion.

My MIL used to be just like this. My DC's are both primary school age now and she's calmed down a lot.

It did lots of damage to our relationship. She saw (& still does to some extent) far less of the children than she would have, if she hadn't decided to spend her grandchildren's early days/ years jabbing at their mother!

It's such bizarre behaviour because ultimately it comes from wanting to be with the GC as much as possible, but obviously no wants to spend their time with a person who behaves this way. It just drove a massive wedge between us.

I used to sit at MIL's house full of anxiety and hoping that DD wouldn't cry, because I knew if she did MIL would snatch her off me in an effort to prove she could settle her better than I could. She wouldn't give her back when I asked either.

I would back right off OP. No one is entitled to your time if they can't even be nice to you.

Every Sunday is too much! Your DH has got his own family now so boundaries need to be put in. Yeah fuck her off completely.

@AssignedSlytherinAtBirth when she criticised my choice of wine with my dinner in a restaurant.

THIS!! My MIL is also a wine snob.

Whenever I used to bring over a bottle of wine for her she would pull a face and said on multiple occasions “uhhh I guess I could use it for cooking with”

I don’t bring wine anymore :)

Bow out and tell your DH you're not prepared to put up with the BS any longer.

You’re an adult - you don’t have to go! YABU calling her a witch and neurotic. It’s bad enough when a man uses those insults, but from another woman?
stay home next week and have a quiet day at home whilst DH takes the baby.

I'd stop going altogether and DC wouldn't be going either, no way would I let a walking thundering bitch talk saccharine laced shit about me to my child. And if anyone asks 'it just doesn't suit anymore". DH can still go. Let him do the joined up thinking to work out there's only so much offensive shit a woman can take from a nasty MiL.

And it's abundantly clear who the nasty MiLs are on this thread.

I can see what she says being said up and down the country all the time . I think you are being overly sensitive . Tbh though weekly visits are too much . Monthly at Best but even that's too much .
I think just be honest , send OH on his own but say you have another interest / hobby / too busy with baby etc etc

I don’t think she sounds that bad, but obviously not me suffering it. Sundays are family time, so I’d start some traditions of your own, which means you all go only once per month

Hi honestly now you are a family of 3 I think it's time to say you can't go every week. As child gets older you will have other things on. Can't imagine going to the in-laws for lunch every Sunday even if they were the loveliest people going. I like a roast dinner on a Sunday but just with my DH and sons.