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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take DD away over my 50th birthday.

202 replies

jumpingbean1810 · 11/09/2022 19:12

It's my 50th next Feb half term. I planned to celebrate in uk with friends and family and then go away with DD (14) for remainder of week. I'm a single parent and she's my only child. Ex (married with 2 more children) wants to take them all skiing for the week. I've said I'm happy to cancel going away (nothing booked yet) but DD has said she really wants to be home on my actual bday (monday). I've suggested they therefore go for 5 days instead of 7 days so she can do both and isn't torn between my bday and skiing. He says he doesn't want to lose 2 days of skiing.

I don't want DD to feel torn so if he digs heels in should I encourage her to go skiing and accept she won't be there for 50th, or should I say, you go on your holiday and we'll go on ours and she can ski with you another time? (Which will cause explosion).

OP posts:
AFS1 · 11/09/2022 19:38

I suspect it would be pretty difficult to book a 5-day ski-ing holiday. Most packages are 7 days. Could he go at Easter or New Year instead?

W0tnow · 11/09/2022 19:38

I say you dig in your heels and he loses 2 days. It’s a reasonable compromise.

sonjadog · 11/09/2022 19:39

I don’t think asking them to cut off two days of their holiday is fair. So the option is either she goes with them or stays with you. I would do which of them she prefers.

tillytown · 11/09/2022 19:39

Why can't she stay for your birthday and then travel by herself to go skiing? Her dad can pick her up from the airport

PatriciaHolm · 11/09/2022 19:41

Assuming it's half term, then its prime skiing time and not something easily moved or shortened - I'd encourage her to go, and celebrate as soon as she comes back.

DDivaStar · 11/09/2022 19:41

tillytown · 11/09/2022 19:39

Why can't she stay for your birthday and then travel by herself to go skiing? Her dad can pick her up from the airport

This

Yika · 11/09/2022 19:42

I think she should definitely be there for your birthday. So either:

  • She joins then two days into their holiday
  • they all go two days later
  • she doesn’t go skiing with them on this occasion ( which I don’t think should be that big a deal considering you have a milestone birthday
Original poster
jumpingbean1810 · 11/09/2022 19:42

tillytown · 11/09/2022 19:39

Why can't she stay for your birthday and then travel by herself to go skiing? Her dad can pick her up from the airport

She's only just turned 14 and would be terrified trying to catch a flight alone, going through passport control etc. Most airlines no longer offer minor services.

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 11/09/2022 19:43

tillytown · 11/09/2022 19:39

Why can't she stay for your birthday and then travel by herself to go skiing? Her dad can pick her up from the airport

Because most airports are hours of driving away from the ski resorts.

Original poster
jumpingbean1810 · 11/09/2022 19:44

sonjadog · 11/09/2022 19:39

I don’t think asking them to cut off two days of their holiday is fair. So the option is either she goes with them or stays with you. I would do which of them she prefers.

I don't want to ask her to choose, I think it puts unfair pressure on her as she wants to do both.

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 11/09/2022 19:44

I can’t see why a 14yr old would be interested in a 50th birthday party tbh

Magnanimouse · 11/09/2022 19:45

Miss two days of school and fly out the day after your birthday. I'm a headteacher and shouldn't be saying that ...

MissAmbrosia · 11/09/2022 19:46

I would encourage her to go and celebrate before or after. It seems likes it's half term and he's not doing it to be spiteful.

Original poster
jumpingbean1810 · 11/09/2022 19:47

AFS1 · 11/09/2022 19:38

I suspect it would be pretty difficult to book a 5-day ski-ing holiday. Most packages are 7 days. Could he go at Easter or New Year instead?

I did suggest that but they're staying with relatives who apparently can't do Xmas or easter, but does mean they're not restricted by package deals.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 11/09/2022 19:48

She doesn't need to be with you on your actual birthday to be able celebrate your 50th surely.

I'd encourage her to go skiing and then celebrate like mad when she gets back.

As much as you won't have consciously done it, I wonder if she has picked up on the fact that you'd rather she wasn't away. Poor thing is probably just feeling really guilty.

I'd make it really clear that you have no problem celebrating as soon as she gets back. You are the adult and it's just a day- celebrations can be shifted.

Testina · 11/09/2022 19:48

A one week ski trip at half term is very likely to be booked through a company like Crystal where you might have a 3 hour bus to resort that runs on Saturday only. It’s not always possible to “just fly home early”.

It’s just a date - I’d tell her that it’s sweet she wanted to be with you, but no. You’ll see her when she’s back. She’s 14 - I don’t doubt she’s had many parties of her own at the weekend instead of her actual birthday. She’s being silly.

zoeFromCity · 11/09/2022 19:48

You and your birthday celebration are important, but there is no need to do it on that exact day when it divides your DD's holiday week.

Birthday is a family occasion, which means the family can adjust it as needed. Maybe throw a party on Thursday the week before?

Yupsuuuure · 11/09/2022 19:49

Whose contact time does it fall over? There's no reason why the skiing is more important than a 50th birthday as you said you want to go away with her - you're only 50 once.

I think id be guided by who she's actually supposed to be having contact with over that time.

Testina · 11/09/2022 19:50

Cross posted with your comment that it’s not a package… but my point still stands. It’s silly to get het up about a date.

Saynotothefishtank · 11/09/2022 19:51

Your DD wants to spend your 50th with you. At age 14 it should be up to her.

Depending on where they are going I suggest either

  1. she flies out by herself two days later than the rest of the group and they pick her uo at the local airport, or
  2. she skips the ski trip.
sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/09/2022 19:51

I would encourage her to go skiing. Book something great for the 2 of you a different date and say you won't be celebrating on the actual day because you have work or other friends cant make it.

Dillydollydingdong · 11/09/2022 19:52

Let dd make the decision. Explain to her that although it would be nice to have her with you on the Day, you can do something special with friends/family and celebrate with her when she gets back.

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/09/2022 19:54

You'll be 50 not 5. You don't have to celebrate with her on the actual day. Let her go skiing and plan something to celebrate with her when she's back. Maybe even look at going away for a weekend with her.

Whataretheodds · 11/09/2022 19:54

tillytown · 11/09/2022 19:39

Why can't she stay for your birthday and then travel by herself to go skiing? Her dad can pick her up from the airport

This

KosherDill · 11/09/2022 19:54

I don't think she necessarily needs to be with you on the day. I'd send her on the ski trip with a celebration beforehand so she needn't feel torn or guilty. Tell her you've booked a solo self-indulgent spa day for your 50th, or something like that, and are really looking forward to it.

Her emotional well-being is more important than an arbitrary "milestone day."

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